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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Could you forgive this?

230 replies

Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 02:20

This is one thing amongst many issues, but it stands out to me.

Could you forgive your partner if in a rage he woke you up by standing over you in the night whilst you slept and poured water over you? I forgave him because he was sorry but I am regretting it now.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 20:53

@Essexmummy88

The police just turned up saying they had been alerted about my thread...
That can't have been due to anyone on MN reporting or MN handing over any details - so I can only assume your husband is fucking with your head and called them?! Otherwise there's no way of them being able to identify you.

Regardless if the police are there then get them to take you and your children to your dads place at a minimum. He will keep you safe and talk you out of staying with this arsehole.

raymondanddebra · 01/11/2021 20:54

F

Littlepaws18 · 01/11/2021 20:55

You need to tell them everything, ask to be escorted with your children out of the home get them to take you to the police station. Then in a safe space tell them everything. They will contact your dad then he can take you all home. He can't hold your life hostage anymore. This is day one of your new independent life.

Make sure you tell the police everything and press charges on whatever you can. This will hold you in good stead at family court, shows you are protecting your children. So so many women say everything but don't press charges- it's the absolute worst you can do!

I am a victim of emotional and physical violence- that was 6 years ago, and now I'm living my best life! Your life isn't over and he can no longer control it. X

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 20:57

No, it genuinely was due to the thread. They said someone had reported it to them. Said they will remove him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 20:58

Seriously I was also shocked at how they had somehow located me but they had, she had it on her phone in front of me.

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 01/11/2021 20:58

@Essexmummy88

No, it genuinely was due to the thread. They said someone had reported it to them. Said they will remove him.
How could have they linked the thread to your name and address though? Do you have friends or family who know your mumsnet username?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 21:00

Make sure you tell the police everything and press charges on whatever you can. This will hold you in good stead at family court, shows you are protecting your children. So so many women say everything but don't press charges- it's the absolute worst you can do!

Just for clarity as I think many people aren't aware, the law has changed to ensure this isn't the responsibility of the victim anymore. Individuals don't 'press charges' and in fact the police can thankfully progress cases if they have evidence domestic abuse has occurred without the victim having to 'press charges' as it was such a flawed system that saw victims understandably too terrified to do so and abusers getting away with it.

So OP tell the police the whole truth and they can take it from there - don't worry about having to make a decision about whether or not to press charges as it isn't in your hands, it's in those of the authorities.

Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 21:00

I really havent a clue how but they did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Essexmummy88 · 01/11/2021 21:02

Someone on here has obviously reported it, and whoever you are I am thankful, he is leaving, but please come forward so it doesnt look like i am lying.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 21:04

It must have been someone you know IRL who knows your username OP as there isn't information connecting your account to your postal address that anyone could share and MN don't share information like this with the police within hours of a thread. Or ever I don't think.

So I think if it's happened the way you say then someone you know knew this is your username, recognised you on here and reported it.

There's literally no other way for it to have happened.

DuchessOfDisaster · 01/11/2021 21:05

@Noshowlomo

As in someone contacted the police worried about your safety?
How would they know where to ask the police to go to as everything is, or should be, anonymous on here?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 21:06

The main thing is that the police are aware now. So please, please make the most of this chance. Get him out, get your dad to take emergency leave and come and get you. Do whatever it takes to get safe and get away from this man. It's not too late to report your tooth, the coercive control etc - tell them everything.

DuchessOfDisaster · 01/11/2021 21:07

Isn't the OP's father a police officer? Is that how they were alerted maybe?

greyinganddecaying · 01/11/2021 21:08

There's enough detail in your posts for someone you know to recognise you. And I'm so glad they did.
Now make sure you tell the police everything. Get support/advice from your dad. Hopefully they'll press charges & you'll be free of him.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 01/11/2021 21:09

Hi all

We reported concerns which is something we do when we are concerned about someone's safety.

OP, we can only hope that we helped in this situation and you get the support you need.

Lots of love,
MNHQ Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/11/2021 21:11

@LilyMumsnet

Hi all

We reported concerns which is something we do when we are concerned about someone's safety.

OP, we can only hope that we helped in this situation and you get the support you need.

Lots of love,
MNHQ Flowers

Oh wow! Wasn't aware this is something you do. Hopefully it's helped OP to be safe and her dad can take care of her and the kids now Thanks
LazySundayPlease · 01/11/2021 21:11

OP I'm so pleased the police are there. Tell them and your dad everything.

Thanks
RandomMess · 01/11/2021 21:14

Please ring national domestic helpline and get a non-molestation order and occupation order sorted.

The police cannot hold him forever but you have time to sort these things out. The helpline will help you through everything you need to do.

Put in a UC as a single parent. Call your parents and sister and get real life support.

Are you able to use your DD phone or have you got yours back?

nellly · 01/11/2021 21:14

Good luck op, this is your chance, grab it with both hands and don't look back Thanks

Noshowlomo · 01/11/2021 21:21

Well done @mnhq
OP.. how’s your chance

Littlepaws18 · 01/11/2021 21:28

I'm so happy for you! But as I mentioned in my last post it's so important that you do follow through with your statements to the police. I am telling you this from recent experience. My ex was incredibly violent and luckily I had a friend in the police who told me exactly what would happen once I reported him. And even though my case didn't end up in court it all added up to help my case in family court. It isn't the case that the police make the decision to prosecute, if you aren't willing to then they massive take that into account and unless there is sound evidence they are unlikely to pursue it.

Though that's a worry for another day. Contact your family, seek their guidance and support and take this time to get your family safe! Xx thinking of you xx

Libelula21 · 01/11/2021 22:10

Take this support and opportunity you’ve been offered and grab your freedom.

Quite surprised by mumsnet intervening but if he’d found your thread you were in real danger. Good on MN, and the police!

Obecalp · 01/11/2021 22:17

Refuges are awful places, I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I resent having to have moved schools, I resented having to live in one room with my family when I used to have my own room, there wasn't enough room for all our clothes and toys, the bathroom and kitchen were shared.

It was genuinely a miserable time and as a child you do sometimes think, oh I wish mum hadn't left because I miss my home and my space. Children can be selfish and I definitely was. Most of the abuse my mum went through, I wasn't witness to, so I didn't really care about why we had to move to a refuge, I just wanted to be in my room playing video games and going to school with my friends.

That's the short-term. It will be hard on all of you. But, in the long-term it did work out - new home, new school, new friends, mum happier.

timeisnotaline · 01/11/2021 22:51

Please please op grab this chance with both hands. I’ve never ever seen mumsnet do this before and that should tell you how serious your situation is. You said you aren’t being attacked- you are, every single day you live with him you are being attacked in different ways. Would love to hear you are ok.

MrsKeats · 01/11/2021 22:51

No. Behaviour of a psychopath.

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