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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS driven my husband and DD to leave

175 replies

donutqueen11 · 31/10/2021 22:31

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 22:46

What are you asking. How difficult is your son.

I was a step dad for years to someone with ASD. It's bloody hard and not everyone can cope with it. There is a high divorce / separation rate with people with ASD children.

How does your daughter feel too as it has probably had a massive impact on her too.

That's not to say he should leave you handling it all by yourself.

Smartiepants79 · 31/10/2021 22:53

There most be some serious issues with your son and his sister in order for it to come to this.
Is he abusive towards her? Violent?
A life with just you and him is not really a long term solutions is it. What happens at school? What help is he getting?
What behaviours are causing the problems and what is being done to help him manage them?
You and DH are both basically giving up on one child for the sake of the other child.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 31/10/2021 22:55

Is your son his biological son or is he the stepdad? What behaviours have driven them to leave?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 22:57

How old is your daughter?

Why’s he left with her? Something particular must have happened.

If they’ve gone there’s no reason for you to move. Surely maintaining contact with your daughter is very important even if it’s safer for her to live with her father.

lunar1 · 31/10/2021 22:58

Is your husband your sons dad?

Platax · 31/10/2021 23:26

What help do you have? Does your son have an EHCP, and has there been a full care assessment by Social Services?

Original poster
donutqueen11 · 31/10/2021 23:29

Husband is sons biological dad. He absolutely adores school and is appreciated for who he is so no issues at school at all. Academically he is flying and he has a fab group of friends - the teachers love him - he thrives on routine and is a credit to the school. He is so polite and well mannered - it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 31/10/2021 23:32

It sounds like a very traumatic night for everyone.

Whatever happened to force your DD to want leave you and her home?

Summerfun54321 · 31/10/2021 23:33

It sounds like your husband needs lessons in parenting and empathy. Why is he mocking his own son?

meltingappointment · 31/10/2021 23:36

I'm sorry but if your husband has walked out and left your son (and you) that on him. There is literally not a single part of this that is your sons fault. He hasn't driven you to leave, has he? That's because of how you are with him. The fault is fully your husbands for not understanding his child and taking the easy option.

AtlasPine · 31/10/2021 23:36

How old is his sister? Is she partaking in the mocking of her brother?

Namenic · 31/10/2021 23:39

It might be for the best to live separately while this stage is going on. Hope you can maintain contact with your DH and DD.

londonmummy1966 · 31/10/2021 23:40

So he's great at school and not at home. Forget about your DS for the moment and look at what home life has been like for DD. What has made it so bad for her that she feels the need to leave? Is your DH basically leaving because to support her because home is too awful for her to stay?

Bagelsandbrie · 31/10/2021 23:44

Your husband is mocking your son? Is that right? That not fair on your Ds at all, no wonder he is upset.

You don’t have to stay with your dh. How old is your dd?

MMmomDD · 31/10/2021 23:45

It sounds like there is more to the story. It seems unlikely that your H is so oblivious and uninformed about his own son’s condition.
It isn’t clear why your daughter isn’t able to be nice to get ND brother.

But it comes quite strongly that you feel like it’s you&your son agains the world. And I don’t think it’s fair to favour one of your children over the other so obviously.
It is also possible that your H and you disagree (or have done in the past) about how to care for your son and how to deal with his issues. And it possibly lead to the current situation.
Where they think more can be done to manage his behaviour. While you seem to be quite defensive ofer it.
ASD aside - 13yos can be quite rude and disrespectful. And given that he is able to control his behaviour at school - it is likely that he is able to control it to a greater extent at home. And I don’t think you are acting in your family’s best interests by not at least trying to find a better way for you all to live together.

RavingAnnie · 31/10/2021 23:57

So your husband mocks his son, doesn't understand him and his interests, and has now rejected him. Your husband sounds like a peach.

FortunesFave · 31/10/2021 23:59

@MMmomDD

It sounds like there is more to the story. It seems unlikely that your H is so oblivious and uninformed about his own son’s condition. It isn’t clear why your daughter isn’t able to be nice to get ND brother.

But it comes quite strongly that you feel like it’s you&your son agains the world. And I don’t think it’s fair to favour one of your children over the other so obviously.
It is also possible that your H and you disagree (or have done in the past) about how to care for your son and how to deal with his issues. And it possibly lead to the current situation.
Where they think more can be done to manage his behaviour. While you seem to be quite defensive ofer it.
ASD aside - 13yos can be quite rude and disrespectful. And given that he is able to control his behaviour at school - it is likely that he is able to control it to a greater extent at home. And I don’t think you are acting in your family’s best interests by not at least trying to find a better way for you all to live together.

It's not given that just because he can control his behaviour at school then he can at home.

Children with ASD "mask" and the effort of controlling themselves all day at school is enormous and it slips when they get home.

negomi90 · 01/11/2021 00:05

Is your husband just being a dick?
Or are there valid concerns regarding your dd which he is trying to address. Has he taken her for valid reasons to protect her?
Are there issues around your sons ASD which are stopping DD being able to do the things she should be able do? Does the house revolve around DS such as the everything needs to be done in specific ways to support him which your DD just has to fit around and prevents her needs being met? Is he violent/abusive to her?
Is your love for your son and your rightful protectiveness of him and his autism, making it hard for you to see his impact on your daughter?
If your husband's being a knob - then you need a divorce and custody agreements regarding both of your children. He needs to spend time with his son, and more importantly you need time with your daughter.

If he has valid points then you need to use this as a wakeup call and work together for both of your children. And that may mean getting extra help and support.
Some children with ASD can be fine at school and bottle it up and be violent at home.

GrumpyPanda · 01/11/2021 00:06

Your poor daughter.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/11/2021 00:10

It's really common for ASD dc to be extremely compliant at school through fear and then vent in their safe space at home. It's common for ASD to answer the question they're asked without needing to frilly it up with social niceties.
And why wouldn't he react to someone mocking something he's very interested in? How would DH react if you mocked his job? Or his hobbies?

saraclara · 01/11/2021 00:12

ASD aside - 13yos can be quite rude and disrespectful. And given that he is able to control his behaviour at school - it is likely that he is able to control it to a greater extent at home.

That's really not how it works, sadly. Even neurotypical kids tend to be able to control their behaviour better at school, than in their 'safe place', and kids with ASD find it so exhausting to mask at school, that they have nothing left for home.

saraclara · 01/11/2021 00:15

Why do your family blame you for how he is, OP? Is this a cultural thing? Or do they think you 'pander to him' (or probably more correctly, know how to manage him positively)

When members of the family aren't on the same page re managing ASD behaviour, it can all go so badly wrong. It's very sad for everyone.

Werehamster · 01/11/2021 00:15

I think it's hard for us to give advice because we don't know the full extent of the situation. You say he is verbally abusive to your husband, but why did your daughter leave? Of course, you must make allowances for his ASD, but he can't be abusive towards his family.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you all.

MMmomDD · 01/11/2021 00:23

Kids of course can behave differently at school and at home. And kids with ASD more so.
However - it does seem that OP puts her son needs way above her family. There are four people in that family. And there is another child who OP seems to not consider as important as her son.

If managing her son ‘positively’ doesn’t really work - and lead to the home being unbearable for his father and his sister - there must be other strategies that need to be considered.

altmember · 01/11/2021 00:30

Why does everyone except your auntie blame you for his behaviour? Why are there no issues when it's just you and him?
How old is your DD?

It sounds like there must be vastly different parenting styles at play here - and you and your husband don't agree on them? Perhaps a lack of rules/discipline at home, or inconsistencies in them between parents?