DS driven my husband and DD to leave

[donutqueen11]

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

Glad you have both DC back home with you OP, & hope you have a peaceful evening.

Your dh probably does have autism by the sounds of it. But regardless of whether he does or he doesn’t you and your son don’t deserve to have to tip toe around him. You are entitled to leave and have a happier life. If he’s that bothered by noise / mess etc it sounds like a horrible atmosphere for everyone where no one is really happy.

basically training your teenage (ie heading towards adulthood) girl that she needs to mop up men’s emotions. He needs to be the adult. I worry about her.

And being home again is basically training her that she needs to put up with playing second fiddle to her male sibling. Everyone focused on the boy and his father, nobody seems to care what she is dealing with.

He has lots of friends and says at school he can be himself and doesn't get constantly moaned at for being himself

This makes me so incredibly sad for you son. Please don't let your DH continue to treat him like this 😢

It just sounds like an incredibly difficult situation that cannot continue like this.

I'm unsure what to say. It sounds like your husband cannot cope with things snd is possibly ASD too.

No matter what. What do you want?

Would it be easier for you to separate, would your son be more relaxed without husband there, could you have daughter 50/50

It just seems like everyone is suffering in their own way.

My ASD step son and his brother did not want to go and stay at his dads. The amount of stress and trouble it caused when he had to go there. F me it was a nightmare and he would walk around severely depressed until he got his way. As soon as he hit his way he was fine, so it was behavior not actual depression.

The dad passively has undiagnosed Aspergers.

This is not a sustainable situation. Especially for your daughter too.

@donutqueen11

I am 99% certain DH is on the spectrum but he will not discuss it because he says he coped perfectly well in life until he had children and it is the children that create the problems now, not him.

DD is home and she felt that as her dad was so wound up she needed to go with him which was a lovely thing to do.

Reading your post, I wouldn't be surprised. I assume your husband was either clueless about children or had them thinking he could shut himself away when needed and leave a lot of the noise, mess and entertainment requirements for you to sort out.

Your husband should be parenting your daughter, not the other way around.

DD is home and she felt that as her dad was so wound up she needed to go with him which was a lovely thing to do.

You should be very concerned that she's copying you and thinking like this. She wasn't born to care to men (her dad and brother) - her needs matter too.

@BananaPB

DD is home and she felt that as her dad was so wound up she needed to go with him which was a lovely thing to do.

You should be very concerned that she's copying you and thinking like this. She wasn't born to care to men (her dad and brother) - her needs matter too.

Let's not make this about men. She's a child and she shouldn't have to think of anyone apart from herself at her age.

Young boys can also feel the need to look after their mother or family.

Let's not make this about men. She's a child and she shouldn't have to think of anyone apart from herself at her age. Young boys can also feel the need to look after their mother or family.

I think in fairness to PP they were pointing out the very specific issue of how damaging it can be to a young girl's adult relationships if she grows up in an environment where the moods of males are prioritised above her wellbeing or stability. It's not a men are baddies thing, it's a very real and relatively common thing.

It can lead to a lifetime of codependent behaviour, toxic relationships and even abusive ones. It's a very valid potential issue for people to flag.

It is sad that the women in this family (OP and Dd) give up their happiness so they can appease the men (DH and db). Having ASD does not mean you get to rule the roost. OP needs to stand up to both of them. Enough is enough.

Noise and mess OP! All parents get that indeed.
Does your DH work from home? Can you get him a garden office or something like this?
Can he have a retreat in your room where he can chill? After he has given you a hand with cooking/ feeding, clubs, homework and laundry, of course.

He now sounds like your DH is over reacting. But you mentioned your son is so rude to him. That is not good. Neither that your husband does get annoyed or tell them off for doing crafts. At least they are destroying the house.
As parents, we all get too much of it now and then, and a break is good, but he should have not left you like this and dump it all on you either.
I think your husband needs to start addressing the issues, as he is the grown up. So find a room or space that crafts are allowed. You can get plastic covers easy to clean, easy to clean floors, even desks that close on themselves, so you can leave it all there and it will not bother anyone.
He needs to find himself a way to chill in the house, his silent space. You all need to respect that space and time, especially if it is his work space.
Your DH could try to help with crafts and singing, joining in, at least sometimes. And praise them. Most teenagers spend ages on computers!
You need to back your husband on if your son is ever rude to him. He needs to be told each time and apologise.

Also you say your son thrives on structure, so try to get to a firm structure at home to, like from such to such hour homework, then snack, then crafts, then dinner. Then reading and listening to music on headphones, watching tv together, but quietly. Your DH can have his chill time then. Bath or showers, bed.

Or have you tried all this with no success?

@MangoIce

It is sad that the women in this family (OP and Dd) give up their happiness so they can appease the men (DH and db). Having ASD does not mean you get to rule the roost. OP needs to stand up to both of them. Enough is enough.

. . . You clearly have no clue & if you do have a clue, you have no understanding.

*Let's not make this about men. She's a child and she shouldn't have to think of anyone apart from herself at her age.

Young boys can also feel the need to look after their mother or family.*

I didn't mean to imply a "men are evil" message but think the dd shouldn't be worrying about her dad as if she were a carer. Mum seems to spend a lot of time considering the feelings and reactions of her son and husband - the post describes what her son and h think and there's very little about how she sees things. Is the son too messy or does he make a mess then clear things up ? Etc

People with disabled siblings can be forgotten because the parents have to focus on their disabled child. Even on this thread there were comments about how the dd should be kinder to her brother even though there's no clues how they get along.

@BananaPB

The husband is a different matter. The son could just as well be a girl snd she still would be protective over her. It is her child, there are probably all kinds of feelings swirling around her mind about him.

I've seen it first hand with my ex. My ex threw more into 'fixing' her son, I've suffered, her other son has suffered.

She worries about him, she thought her other son was fine. He's not fine, he was neglected.

ASD children whether male or female require more attention and to make this (not you) into a male or female divide is abhorrent.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@BananaPB

The husband is a different matter. The son could just as well be a girl snd she still would be protective over her. It is her child, there are probably all kinds of feelings swirling around her mind about him.

I've seen it first hand with my ex. My ex threw more into 'fixing' her son, I've suffered, her other son has suffered.

She worries about him, she thought her other son was fine. He's not fine, he was neglected.

ASD children whether male or female require more attention and to make this (not you) into a male or female divide is abhorrent.[/quote]
I think you're misunderstanding. Because her sibling happens to be male, there are two males in the household who seem to be taking emotional priority over two females. That means that the messaging to a girl in that house, which she'll carry forward into her adult relationships, could be that male needs take priority over female needs. The current situation would be the same if her sibling was a girl, but the repercussions for her future when it comes to male / female relationship dynamics wouldn't be the same.

I completely get that, but there are people here fixating on this being yet another female(s) appeasing men.

This is not the issue AT all. Makes no difference of the genders. The OP just needs to protect both her children somehow and the husbands needs should also come into this, he is a human being and has needs and feelings to.

The household to me seems fraught with stress and the adults need to figure out how to navigate this do every child's needs are met and their own needs are met too.

If the older child had been a boy and had gone with dad because he was worried about him then I'd be saying the same thing. It is sad that the older child feels some responsibility over dad's feelings. The child and dad have basically switched roles.

I'm not saying that children shouldn't be mindful about how their behaviour affects others but if Dad is in a bad state then it's not the child's job to sit through this and calm him down. The child has enough on her plate to worry about.

@BananaPB

I'm not arguing with you. I get what you are saying. I'm just infuriated with other peoples attitude and agenda.

They are using this to push their own narrative.

It's a difficult situation an I hope the Op can sort this out. It's not easy as it sounds like the husband can't cope and may be on the spectrum too. I've seen the same thing. My ex's husband was on the spectrum by the sound of it. So dealing with an autistic son and husband is not easy.

Personally I think this situation calls for drastic measures and to protect the son and daughter a separation is the only thing. I don't think the son, the husband and the daughter can navigate this. Somebody is going to be sacrificed along the way and it's going to be the son and the daughter.

This is not the issue AT all. Makes no difference of the genders

It does make a difference when it comes to the long term impact on OP's DD though. That's all people are saying as it's just another potential consequence for OP to consider in all this.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sorry but that is not what some are saying.

Of course it has an impact, it would have an impact where the other sibling was a girl or boy.

I fully believe that my ex's son has been stealing for 10 years because of the impact his ASD brother had had on him amongst other issues he has.

@FoxgloveSummers

I know you see it as nice that your daughter left with your husband to help him, but this is basically training your teenage (ie heading towards adulthood) girl that she needs to mop up men’s emotions. He needs to be the adult. I worry about her.

Good point. She's a teenager, she shouldn't feel she needs to support her parent.

It does sound like DH is Autistic, I've had the same said to me about my H, but unless he's prepared to get support to manage his Autism it doesn't matter if he is, because nothing is going to change, and whether he's Autistic or a lazy parent taking his moods out on everyone doesn't change how much his behaviour hurts you and your DC.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Sorry but that is not what some are saying.

Of course it has an impact, it would have an impact where the other sibling was a girl or boy.

I fully believe that my ex's son has been stealing for 10 years because of the impact his ASD brother had had on him amongst other issues he has.[/quote]
Yes it would have an impact whether the sibling was a girl or a boy, but the potential impact specifically on the daughters future relationships will be different because that sibling is a boy vs if they were a girl. I'm not being deliberately obtuse, I just don't see why you seem resistant to acknowledge that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Please explain. Facts, evidence. As far as I can see you are basing it on nothing. The impact might be DIFFERENT but does that actually matter, it's still impact that effects the child in a negative way. What I am getting from you that the impact is greater and carries more weight because the she is female.

@donutqueen11

OMG. I have been at work all day so only just managed to catch up this.

DD is 15 and has issues of her own due to exam anxiety in year 10 after lockdown.

I don't think my son masks at school he thrives on routine and where school is so regimented it suits him down to the ground. He has lots of friends and says at school he can be himself and doesn't get constantly moaned at for being himself. He has loved school since his first day in reception.

DD is now back home but DH is still at his brothers. DH can't cope with mess and noise - he needs peace and quiet at all times which he gets at his brothers - I don't think our house is over noisy but with two teenagers it can be busy. Neither of them are into devices so they don't spend all night in their rooms.

Family therapy is not an option as DH will not even consider it.

I understand that family life whether you have an autistic child or not is hectic and busy and juggling work/life/home balance. He thinks other families live in a perfect world where everyone gets on.

Both DS and DH are very stubborn so neither will make an effort with the other. DH says he is the adult so he should be treated as the adult by my son and DS says hubby needs to be less stressed with him and not nag him all the time (nagging usually because he is singing, or crafting something in the dining room and making a mess!!)

It does increasingly sound like a DH problem.

I'd be worried DD seems to be acting as an emotional crutch for her Dad this isn't fair on any child and - she clearly has her own problems so doesn't need additional pressure.

DH says he is the adult so he should be treated as the adult by my son and DS says hubby needs to be less stressed with him and not nag him all the time

I'd say DH is the adult and needs to act like it whatever else is going on.

If DH does come back any way to seperate DS and DH more - shed/loft/garage different rooms - because having someone nag constantly is stressful so won't be improving anything.

Longer term - I'd suggest thing what it is you want and what's best for the children and how to get there.

I get DS behavior maybe challenging and stressful and he may possibly need more support but I'm not so sure he's the one to blame here. No parent gets 100% quiet - though teens are better than small children - which make me wonder how your DH coped when they were smaller really and wonder what's changed there.