DS driven my husband and DD to leave

[donutqueen11]

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

@BingoLingFucker You have no empathy for the other child.

Autism isn't a free pass to be abusive, and if that's what you're teaching your child, it's not good parenting. Autistic people are people and can learn!

@Siepie

Your DD though - has she no empathy? Does she follow her father's lead? Is she older or younger than your DS. I can see that she might prefer a quieter life, if she is NT, but still - it's very sad if she's abandoning her brother too.

Girls do not need to be empathetic to their abusers.

It doesn’t matter whether her brother’s behaviour is his ‘fault’ or not. Girls (and boys) should not be taught that they have to continue living with someone who is abusing them.

Well said.

From the additional formation given above, it sounds as if DD is fairly troubled. She is every bit as deserving of empathy as her brother and may find a home life where she is constantly screamed at and swore at is too stressful for her.

OP sounds as if she is well aware of this, hence her saying that it is DS who has driven (which is a very strong statement, implying no wrong doing on their part) them away.

The whole situation sounds very fraught

His life at school seems to have changed a lot, from being bullied a while ago to having “a fab group of friends”, so maybe this is a positive sign for the future?

Also if DD does have an eating disorder, that's a life threatening condition and should be top priority over autism.

The OP hasn't been back to qualify much of the information requested, including whether or not the DD is also the subject of her brother's rudeness and aggression - so we don't KNOW if she's being "abused" by her brother or not.

OP perhaps you could write a bit more about your DD - you are very gushing and fulsome in your praise of your son, but nothing about your DD.

Very sad reading this. It sounds like your husband is frustrated at your parenting skills and just snapped.

@Innocenta I absolutely do.
Splitting up may be the best thing for the family - it was for mine.

Of course autism isn’t a free pass to be abusive, but there needs to be some acceptance that much of the behaviour isn’t deliberate, and strategies put in place to counter them and to teach the autistic child/teen to manage their behaviour - in this case it sounds like after school times are a crisis point for him. I understand this as my son was the same. Understanding that doesn’t mean I have no empathy for the daughter.

In my family part of those strategies were to ensure siblings knew how to treat each other, and what to do when things were getting too much. Ideally it needs both parents to take an active role to achieve this, sadly this isn’t always the case.
The op didn’t actually say what was going on, or what was being done to help the situation. It is very often mothers who have to step up to care and advocate for autistic children, and it’s overwhelmingly mothers who take the flack when things don’t run smoothly.

An AS, though mostly frowned on, reveals that the DD also has significant MH problems, including anxiety and bullying. So too does the DH, mostly depression.

The situation sounds horrendous for all concerned, but it does feel like for the OP, while recognising that the others have issues, the DS's needs seem to come first. She also seems to have an idealised view of what she wants her DCs to be, while her DH wants to let them be who they are, which is a source of tension.

Putting her other posts into the context of this one, it actually sounds like it's the best for everyone that there is this space, at least for a while. OP can focus on the DS, who is going through a particularly bad time with what she describes as epic meltdowns from which he can't be calmed, and the DD can have some space, time and quiet.

I have to say I wouldn't normally AS an OP and didn't think to do so until someone recognised OP's name. But there is so little context here that I think it helps to pull some info together from other posts.

We don't really know anything especially as we only get one side of the story.

Husbands are replaceable, children are not.
Husbands and daughters, she's gone as well.

it sounds like your DH doesnt actually love your son so as the daughter had to go as well do we interpret that as OP doesn't love her daughter?

He doesn’t get to get it if his responsibilities as a father.
Perhaps he sees taking his daughter away from the situation as part of his responsibilities as a father to her. Perhaps he should take her home and tell her to get on with it and support her brother, her happiness doesn't count.

I don't think the dad should leave, it's his son too, but I can completely understand why he did.

Perhaps he left because he also has a daughter who is having to deal with all this.

I’m surprised so many are focussing on the son rather than the daughter. Yes, he has a disability and yes he needs to be cared for properly and allowances made. But not by his sister who has now been removed from what we can only assume was a toxic situation for her. His disability does not trump her right to a safe, nurturing environment to grow up in.

And I say all this as the parent of a disabled child. I know how many sacrifices need to be made. It’s part of the reason I’m now far more comfortable with only having had one child.

I’m quite shocked at the disgusting attitudes towards autism, and the ignorance around how it can present. I’m quite shocked at the attitudes towards the other innocent child, and the suggestion that she should just accept being abused because…. Autism.

There is a difference between understanding and acceptance, and while one might have understanding of certain behaviours that does not necessarily mean they need to be accepted or that they are acceptable.

Whether people want to admit it or not this 13 year old is going to grow into an adult and is going to have to cope in the outside world one day. And lashing out and becoming violent and abusive isn’t going to be tolerated by the general masses.

Something needs to be put in place in order that this behaviour can be addressed.

The OP isn’t going to be around forever, and the daughter isn’t likely going to want to have to take responsibility for her abuser simply because he has autism.

Unless a child’s difficulties are so severe that they will never be capable of living an independent life, and following the parents’ passing will have to move to a residential facility, it is the parent’s job to ensure that that child is equipped to live as part of a mainstream society one day. And that includes having to address issues such as violence.

In 20 years time the wife of this now child could be writing on here about how her husband is lashing out at the kids, or at her, and I guarantee you no-one will be saying “he’s autistic, people just don’t get it,” they’ll be saying “he’s abusive, you need to run for the hills and keep your children safe by getting them away from this horrible abusive man.”

But if the problem is addressed now it shouldn’t come to that.

Children don’t stay children forever. They are the adults of the future.

Nowhere have I said that the dd should put up with abuse, nowhere.
And nowhere has the op stated what’s going on.
At the moment the dd is not with her brother, it may be that this is the best solution.

In 20 years time the wife of this now child could be writing on here about how her husband is lashing out at the kids, or at her, and I guarantee you no-one will be saying “he’s autistic, people just don’t get it,” they’ll be saying “he’s abusive, you need to run for the hills and keep your children safe by getting them away from this horrible abusive man.”

There are regular posts in relationships that say just that.
Not saying they’re definitely wrong.

Just saying that at the age the op’s son is the focus needs to be on helping the son to learn, making adjustments for him to cope, and helping the dd to cope.
There seems to be an assumption right now that he’s abusive and needs to be punished, when the reality is that he’s autistic and needs help, as does the dd.

OMG. I have been at work all day so only just managed to catch up this.

DD is 15 and has issues of her own due to exam anxiety in year 10 after lockdown.

I don't think my son masks at school he thrives on routine and where school is so regimented it suits him down to the ground. He has lots of friends and says at school he can be himself and doesn't get constantly moaned at for being himself. He has loved school since his first day in reception.

DD is now back home but DH is still at his brothers. DH can't cope with mess and noise - he needs peace and quiet at all times which he gets at his brothers - I don't think our house is over noisy but with two teenagers it can be busy. Neither of them are into devices so they don't spend all night in their rooms.

Family therapy is not an option as DH will not even consider it.

I understand that family life whether you have an autistic child or not is hectic and busy and juggling work/life/home balance. He thinks other families live in a perfect world where everyone gets on.

Both DS and DH are very stubborn so neither will make an effort with the other. DH says he is the adult so he should be treated as the adult by my son and DS says hubby needs to be less stressed with him and not nag him all the time (nagging usually because he is singing, or crafting something in the dining room and making a mess!!)

@MushMonster

Your son is verbally abusive to your husband? And you mention mocking, and not understanding quirks. You need to get him to understand that he cannot treat his father like this, neither his sister. I doubt the father is mocking him? Is this what happens? If he is well behaved in school, surely he can manage to be better than this at home. It sems to have fallen on you to get him to see this, which is going to be tough. Is he rude to his sister? Are there any issues between them? If the problem is only with his father, hopefully they can try to rebuild, but you need to back up your DH when your son is being rude to him.

I don't think you have any understanding of autism, @MushMonster. A major social communication difficulty means that you cannot just get the person concerned to understand how he should treat other people - their brain simply doesn't work that way. As people have pointed out, it is also absolutely classic for children with ASD to be able to keep it together at school but not at home which is their safe space: after a day's horrendous stress at school coping with difficulty in understanding what is going on, difficulty in making yourself understood, finding the sensory issues overwhelming, the child can't simply carry on the same way once he gets to a safe space at home. There really is no alternative to adults ensuring that they are fully informed about their child's autism and developing appropriate strategies on that basis.

1. do you think you do let your son get away with too much due to his autism? i.e. do you just expect your daughter to put up with it?

2. have you spoken to her since she came back about how she feels?

3. sounds like maybe your husband is also on the spectrum? it's he and your son who need to go to therapy, absolutely ridiculous that he's leaving instead

Has it ever been raised that your DH could have ASD?

@donutqueen11

It sounds like the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.It sounds an awful lot as though your DH is also on the spectrum too.

Unfortunately I've seen more than one person in my social being blamed by a partner for the child's autism and they've simply checked out of parenting their child because having a child with additional needs isn't what they've signed up for.

I strongly suspect that blaming you for the so called perceived problems he thinks your having is to avoid the uncomfortable truth that he's a shitty parent who isn't supporting his disabled son and also that he clearly has issues himself.

Out of interest are the poster who posted a thread that your DH had banned people from wearing black socks because they left black fluff on the cream carpet and your autistic son would wear them purposely to wind his dad up?

OP, could it be that your DH is also on the spectrum? There are hints of it in his inability to cope with mess and noise, and his lack of empathy with your son. ASD is very often hereditary.

I am 99% certain DH is on the spectrum but he will not discuss it because he says he coped perfectly well in life until he had children and it is the children that create the problems now, not him.

DD is home and she felt that as her dad was so wound up she needed to go with him which was a lovely thing to do.

OP if you are the same poster as the one with the black socks, then O remember the thread where most people suggested that your DH also had ASD. This doesn't mean that he can't go and stay somewhere else, but it does mean that the house is b perhaps not as bad as it sounds. It also means that whilst he is trying to help your DD, he might not be best placed to do that. Either way, sorry you are going through that. I can imagine that it must be incredibly hard

Yeah, it sounds as if your husband is the issue here. It's unreasonable to expect a house with two teenagers to be a tranquil haven of showhomeness. It's all very well for him to say 'well, I was never like that', but his DC aren't him and we live in different times - better ones, where we've mostly got rid of the 'children should be seen and not heard' ethos.

If he won't address his issues, I don't think this is going to end well - but do please keep standing up for your son.

Your DD sounds like she has a sensible and compassionate head on her shoulders. The three of you will make a solid, functioning happy family unit if it comes to that.

Thé OP posted this on another thread

marriage gone sour after 15 years www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4381345-marriage-gone-sour-after-15-years

In all honesty donutqueen11 both you and your children deserve so much better than your DH.He isn't really a partner to you or a parent to your children;he actually seems to make you all miserable.

It sounds as though it would be better if he moved out although and let you and your kids live your own lives in your own home without his crap.

I grew up as the child of a man with blatant undiagnosed ASD who made it abundantly clear he didn't want to be a father and saw myself and my brothers as nuisances who ruined his life.He hates the fact my brother was born with ASD.Growing up in that house with him as a father was miserable.Walking on eggshells wasn't fun nor was the controlling behaviour.

I know you see it as nice that your daughter left with your husband to help him, but this is basically training your teenage (ie heading towards adulthood) girl that she needs to mop up men’s emotions. He needs to be the adult. I worry about her.

DH can't cope with mess and noise - he needs peace and quiet at all times

Could he have ASD too, given that there is a large genetic component in this?