DS driven my husband and DD to leave

[donutqueen11]

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

As a mum of one son with ASD and one Aspie (also an Aspie myself, it’s a fun house lol) I can appreciate how difficult it is to cope with behavioural issues. However - if DH is so incapable of dealing with DS’s behaviour/quirks/whatever you want to call it, you and your son are better off without him. ASD can put massive amounts of strain on a relationship, but your son and his needs come first. Husbands are replaceable, children are not. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s how my brain works.

I really feel for you OP. You sound really alone and isolated. You clearly love you son and are doing your best for him

@ddl1 no dont agree at all. Not all obsessions are about things like pokemon. It's ok to not want to honour someone obsession if it means changing the way you wear your clothes, or which chair you have to sit in or when you are allowed to be in or out of the house (just 3 examples from my own experience).

it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

Your husband is the abusive one. Mocking someone for reason of disability is abhorrent.

@BoredAndUnfulfilled

What about the daughter. Is she secondary. We have no idea how everything impacts her. I was a grown man raising an ASD step son. I tell you, that has had a massive impact on me.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@ddl1 no dont agree at all. Not all obsessions are about things like pokemon. It's ok to not want to honour someone obsession if it means changing the way you wear your clothes, or which chair you have to sit in or when you are allowed to be in or out of the house (just 3 examples from my own experience).[/quote]
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Yes. Ex son, you couldn't turn right at the end of the road when he was younger.

@GraceandFrankie

I’ve read some of OP’s other posts. It sounds like a very complicated family. DD is in year 11, and OP suspects her DH has undiagnosed autism himself, as well as depression.

There really isn’t enough information here for us all to judge and comment either way.

I agree there's not enough information here to comment.

A Y11 child will be under exam stress - which can't be helping this situation.

I also wouldn't be thinking about moving your DS if he's doing well at school.

Hopefully everything will calm down and you can talk to your DH about the way forward.

@CorrBlimeyGG

it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

Your husband is the abusive one. Mocking someone for reason of disability is abhorrent.

It doesnt say the dad mocks....

It doesn't say very much to be honest and limited details are being given.

It baffles me how some people can get a general outline and create their own negative narrative, lambasting random strangers who you know jack all about

It would be interesting to hear more of his behaviour at home. My DD18 had just been diagnosed with ADHD, not yet started medication and no one other than those of us who live with her would have any idea of how terrifying she can be in meltdown. My DH who likely has Asperger's is actually scared of her and her is 6'7". I have often likened it to bring in an abusive relationship that you cannot walk away from. I have also been in great for the safety of her siblings on many occasions. All the school experience is that she is talkative, disruptive and day dreams. They completely missed the ASC despite me asking for assessment several times a and as a result she scraped through her GCSEs and A levels.
I don't think he is right to leave but I really understand the wish to do so. I have wanted to walk away many times.

@CorrBlimeyGG

Jesus. He's abusive now. The OP said sorr of mocks. We don't even now what that means. He could be joking or teasing for all we** know. The OP is very vague and seems very protective, seems. Understandably too.

@BoredZelda

Could it not be possible that the husband is actually prioritising his daughter and getting her out of a difficult environment, rather than the automatic assumption that because he’s a man he’s running away from his responsibilities?

I agree. A selfish guy would have left without DD.

Exactly @BoredZelda but that doesn't play in to the automatic 'omg he's male, so evvvill' Mum always does best whatever they do trope. Last time I said that on a thread l was berated for breaking 'girl code'

@BoredZelda

It's nice to find reasonable women on here, there are plenty but so many take that well known George Orwell quote.

Penis Bad
Vagina Good

I have been bashed and bashed and bashed for thoughts, purely because I am a man and shouldn't post on Mumsnet.

@1MillionDollars

No, the daughter should absolutely not be secondary. I simply meant that a father should be understanding of his son’s autism, triggers/needs etc. I appreciate that my comment may seem off to people, and for that I apologise. Being on the spectrum myself, I can have quite rigid thinking and I don’t always catch myself in time.

I agree. I think that some posters have an axe to grind, too, and that any hint of discord in a marriage causes them to start shouting about abuse and encouraging the OP to leave. Now, I don’t know if that’s because they have experience of an abusive relationship, or they are just bitter and want everyone to break up, even if the Dh has committed a terrible sin such as wanting to see his dm or go8ng on a night out with his mates…

It is seriously hard being the sibling and it doesn't sound like the daughter is being considered here - in fact alot of posters are being extremely critical of a child who has no say in her situation and likely doesn't get the attention that she needs because her brother always needs the spotlight. That's not her brothers fault and it's not intentional but being a child who needs love and attention doesn't stop just because your sibling has a disability. It just means that you don't get what you need and are expected to put up with that and it's not fair, it's really shit actually and while the OP probably will miss her daughter this might be the best thing for her daughter. Both children need to be considered - the OP hasn't come back to confirm whether or not her son is abusive to her daughter, or even say how old her daughter is, nobody here knows the extent to which both children are being affected and sometimes staying together is not the best thing to do. Both children need to be considered, it might be that the daughter needs some respite and she would benefit from living 50/50 with either parent.

@BoredAndUnfulfilled

No worries. It is an incredible difficult situation raising a child with ASD. All different with different needs.

I don't think the dad should leave, it's his son too, but I can completely understand why he did.

We have no idea what his future plans are. Either the dad can't cope with dealing with him or the mum has wrapped a protective shield around him and excluded the dad or something else entirely.

Unless you've raised a child with disabilities you have no idea how it effects your mental health and some are able to deal with it better than others.

I did and I came to see the situation as normal, but it was far from and it was another factor in my separation. He wasn't my son though and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I wanted to concentrate on my kids only now. Not one with ASD or one with emotional problems who steals constantly. Above my remit and I put in 10+ years.

@1MillionDollars

I agree, it’s incredibly difficult raising a child with ASD. It’s not an easy thing to live with either, I’m only just getting to grips with my own Aspie issues, and I’m 38 lol. Being a parent can be challenging at the best of times, but throw a neurological condition into the mix and those challenges are magnified.

@donutqueen11
I’m sorry that you’re going through this difficult time. I can only suggest a lot of honest and open conversations with your DH and your children, and possibly a family therapist via CAMHS or similar to try and find a workable way through this.

OP I've read back through some of your posts and it seems you are crying out for help for what has become a very dysfunctional family.

You have a DH who is obsessively miserly to the penny and a fun sponge.

You have a 15 year old DD who is struggling with severe anxiety and stress over a class and exams. She's been chronically unwell and run down for awhile and possibly with a eating disorder.

You have a 13 year old DS with ASD who is bullied at school. At home he screams and curses everyone making their lives miserable but has no consequences.

There's you trying to peace keep between everyone as most of the time they're at each other. Add to that, you're deeply unhappy in your marriage.

So Yes! you have a lot on you plate. Way too much.

I don't think a message board, or NLP coach is going to solve these problems.

The first thing would to get yourself and your DC into individual therapy asap. You can ask your DH to go but if he won't, he won't.
Whether you stay with him or not, these thing still need to be worked out.

Get your DD to the GP asap. Full workup. She may have anemia or something that is dragging her health down.
There is treatment for anxiety with CBT and medication can be super effective to treat it.

Eventually some family therapy and behaviour coaching would be helpful to learn about problem solving, communication good behaviours, boundaries, etc.

ASD aside - 13yos can be quite rude and disrespectful. And given that he is able to control his behaviour at school - it is likely that he is able to control it to a greater extent at home. And I don’t think you are acting in your family’s best interests by not at least trying to find a better way for you all to live together.

@MMmomDD
How easily you write "ASD aside" as if the situation can be fixed by pretending it isn't a major factor.
You are wrong about DS functioning well at school meaning that he "ought" to be able to do so at home.
It's quite the reverse with many ASD kids. They can mask at school, but back at home, where they feel safe enough to express themselves, exhausted from keeping up a front all day, , they can no longer sustain the mask.

And well done for criticising & blaming the mother for not finding a way for the family to live harmoniously together. No words for the father, who it seems from OP's update sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions., & is the parent who chose to split the household?

How is that OP's responsibility, & not his?

Your daughter has severe anxiety OP which is probably caused by your son’s violent outbursts because of your insistance on putting him through a mainstream school. It’s in her best interest right now to live apart from him - you need to remember you have 2 children not just one.

Your DD though - has she no empathy? Does she follow her father's lead? Is she older or younger than your DS. I can see that she might prefer a quieter life, if she is NT, but still - it's very sad if she's abandoning her brother too.

Girls do not need to be empathetic to their abusers.

It doesn’t matter whether her brother’s behaviour is his ‘fault’ or not. Girls (and boys) should not be taught that they have to continue living with someone who is abusing them.

I lost this thread and in looking for it I got confused on your other similar thread op, in that you were going to leave with just you and your son, and leave your daughter with her dad? Why would that have been OK, but them leaving isn't?

@Siepie

Your DD though - has she no empathy? Does she follow her father's lead? Is she older or younger than your DS. I can see that she might prefer a quieter life, if she is NT, but still - it's very sad if she's abandoning her brother too.

Girls do not need to be empathetic to their abusers.

It doesn’t matter whether her brother’s behaviour is his ‘fault’ or not. Girls (and boys) should not be taught that they have to continue living with someone who is abusing them.

Amen to this. Wish more people would realise this.

@Innocenta he is autistic. This is a disability.
I am well experienced in living with autistic children who mask in school and lose control once at home. I am also autistic.

I can assure you that once a child is at the stage of losing control it is comparable to an asthma attack. At that point it’s too late.
Like asthma it can be controlled (strategies put in place to learn to spot early signs that not all is well) and managed. It’s likely that he needs extra support in school and more strategies put in place once home in order to help.
The autistic boy in this situation has two parents, but it sounds like the family has divided in this. Don’t get me wrong, this could be the best thing for the family, but from the little the OP has said it doesn’t sound like both parents are taking the brunt of parenting an autistic child.

As families you owe it to each other to try to work together to make things ok, whether that means staying together or splitting.

I’m quite shocked at the disgusting attitudes towards autism, and the ignorance around how it can present.

I did find it interesting when reading a couple of posts that the son is always mentioned but not the daughter. The financial stuff was interesting but I think I read it differently to some others. Possibly because I am awful with money myself there was a frivolous side to the op I recognise in myself. I got the impression the dh does what he does simply because its the only way to live within their means. The daughter is so obviously struggling and needs massive help. The op and her dh are obviously opposites, he's pessimistic she's optimistic. She thinks he has no ambition for the dc, he thinks she is pushing them too hard academically