DS driven my husband and DD to leave

[donutqueen11]

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

Just to add I have a DD who is beyond patient and understanding with her older DS.

If OP comes back to the thread, this will just be a major drip feed about how the DD is actually being treated horribly and DS is being coddled by the mom who refuses to enforce any boundaries. Hence why the whole family thinks she's responsible. Story as old as time.

Can I suggest that your DD reads A Kind of Spark by Ellie McNicholl? This would give her a starting point to understanding your DS's needs- it talks about masking (keep control of the ASD comforting behaviours, showing a more "socially acceptable" face in public) and the need to drop the mask at home as it is completely exhausting. It is a YA book, but I read it over the summer and found it very helpful. Possibly DH should read it too.
I think you need help as a family to work together to understand each other. Can your DS's paediatrician or local ASD support service help? I don't know what the final straw was, but I think your DH needs to be able to understand and support his son more and (depending on the issue) you all need ways to support your DS in understanding his own emotions and to have some self-regulation techniques in place. These are not quick fixes, it's a long term thing.

But she does need protecting from him. He's actually much better now than he was thank goodness.

[quote picklemewalnuts]@Ebony69

"is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions."

This implies H 'sort of mocks or doesn't understand'[/quote]
No it doesn't, it implies DH and anyone who sort of mocks. Two separate groups.

There's not enough here to say anything other than it must be tough. We're not in any position to fully understand what's happening other than 'DH' is a man therefor in Mumnset land must be a shit. We do know that whatever has happened is enough that DD has also left (no idea of her age).

Perhaps DH sees it as a matter taking DD to a place of safety, away from the problems. We don't know how old she is do we in Mumsnet land believe that as DS has ASD DD just needs to 'suck it up'.

@donutqueen11

Husband is sons biological dad. He absolutely adores school and is appreciated for who he is so no issues at school at all. Academically he is flying and he has a fab group of friends - the teachers love him - he thrives on routine and is a credit to the school. He is so polite and well mannered - it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

Is he verbally abusive to his sister?

@GoingForAWalk said exactly what I came to say.
This thread has rapidly turned to DD bashing and that she's bullying her brother.
Not sure that was ever said.
Living in a household where everything revolves around one member - even for valid reasons - is extremely tough.
I don't think that showing your son that you deal with a problem by moving and isolating yourselves is the best way forward.
You and your DH need to talk properly and you need to hear his side as well as put yours.
Even with ASD kids there is a balance between supporting and allowing them to rule the roost, it's just much, much harder to define but that is what you need to work out between you.
What behaviour is an understandable part of his condition and what crosses a line. Sounds like your DH needs to better understand one side and you perhaps the other

It is very difficult to be the sibling of a child with learning difficulties. You never once mention how hard it is for your poor Daughter. Maybe she feels ignored/neglected/unloved. She didn't ask for this life and needs supporting. Maybe this is the only way your Husband feel, when was the his he can look after his Daughter. Have you actually spoken to your DD about how her life is affected, when was the last time you spent quality 1:1 time with her ? As a parent i am sure you feel pulled in so many directions and maybe you need to ask for expert help for your Son.

He is so polite and well mannered - it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

Fucking hell, I'd be verbally abusive to anyone who mocked me for my disability too -the fact that it is his own father doing it is appalling.

@MangoIce

True. My ex's son turned to stealing of his ASD brother and basically the entire family. My kids pocket money, his dads kids and partner. I feel for him but it was also hard to live with at the same time. After years of this and other emotional problems it takes a toll.

@SantaIsComingToTown

I feel for you. Ex threw so much energy into her autistic son, I think her other son was sidelined unintentionally. Days out were always spoiled because of something and it was worse when he was younger. Covid has been an absolute nightmare. Yes he suffered but everybody else suffered more. I couldn't cope and his needs were put above everyone else.

Until people have raised someone with ASD they have no idea.

I watched 'There She Goes' the other day and people should watch it to see how stressful things can be before judging.

I know a woman who has put son into full time care after 10 years. It was too hard and it was effecting the daughter, but I imagine the damage has already been done.

I don't think we're getting full story from OP. How could we be. A father and daughter don't just walk out for no reason.

I feel for the OP to, but I can understand and see the other side of the story.

@DietrichandDiMaggio

He is so polite and well mannered - it is just at home he is so rude and verbally abusive to H and anyone who sort of mocks or doesn't understand his quirks or obsessions.

Fucking hell, I'd be verbally abusive to anyone who mocked me for my disability too -the fact that it is his own father doing it is appalling.

. . . She never actually said the dad mocked him. She needs to explain more.

She could see it as mocking. I would makes jokes and tease my ASD step son, just like I would my own kids. It was good for him to learn sarcasm and teasing so he could identify it snd he did start to learn I was joking. But he didn't get it or have a sense of humour sometimes.

If he didn't like what he heard or was told to do something he didn't want to do. The situation would become unbearable, sometimes for days and weeks.

Impossible to say without more information. But no one should be mocked.

Wow, I feel so sorry for DD. It's blatantly obvious that OP is invested in her son at the expense of her daughter, and yet in this thread people are suggesting it's DD's fault she's neglected, and trying to assign the poor girl homework.

There is clearly more to this. Are you joined up in your approach to your DS? Do you use his ASD as an excuse for all his behaviour? Kids with ASD can be dreadful during teenage years too.

If things are so bad at home get a PBS type team in to work with you as a family.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

I'd fight for your son and your daughter and tell your husband to clear off.

Is your son verbally abusive purely because he is mocked, or is he randomly like this due to Asd???!

Sadly OP has already said that DD would choose to go with her dad which sort of implies that life at home for her isn't very good. Perhaps staying with GP's is a good idea if she's finding it tough at home.

It’s difficult to tell what’s happening as we need more information.
Ds seems to be masking at school (perfect behaviour there) then letting go at home, which is normal for autistic children.
There may be ways school can help - work on transitions between lessons/end of the day so his stress levels can be kept lower.
It’s also possible that there are things you can do after school to transition from school day to home evening, and perhaps a routine of sensory activities to help him wind down after a school day, which could make things easier. Having a timetabled, regular routine may help him as well.
Mocking was always a huge trigger for my son, and always led to outbursts (verbal abuse, which was not deliberate, it was a sign that he’d lost control, and shouldn’t be punished any more than an asthma attack or a seizure).
It’s not clear whether your H or dd are part of the mocking, but it does sound like you are parenting your son alone, and that H has opted out, which is unfair on all of you. I also suspect (but I may be projecting due to my experiences with exH and my children) that your H isn’t stepping up to the challenges that an autistic child presents.
Having an autistic sibling is difficult, so maybe some time out for your dd will be good for her.
I do think your H is letting you and your son down though by walking out. Ideally you should be working together to make things calmer and to arrange respite for your dd and each other.
I’m sorry it’s come to this 💐

Having worked for so many years with ASD children and seen how the other siblings can be reared with the ASD child always in the spotlight, and the siblings needs very much secondary, I am full of admiration for your DH for taking DD out of this apparently volatile situation. The term "special needs" has always sat awkwardly with me for that reason.

Additional needs is understandable - special? No.

And I speak as a mum of additional needs children.

I do think your H is letting you and your son down though by walking out.

From the small amount of information that we're all projecting on. It may be he's the only one looking out for DD.

@BingoLingFucker

It’s difficult to tell what’s happening as we need more information. Ds seems to be masking at school (perfect behaviour there) then letting go at home, which is normal for autistic children. There may be ways school can help - work on transitions between lessons/end of the day so his stress levels can be kept lower. It’s also possible that there are things you can do after school to transition from school day to home evening, and perhaps a routine of sensory activities to help him wind down after a school day, which could make things easier. Having a timetabled, regular routine may help him as well. Mocking was always a huge trigger for my son, and always led to outbursts (verbal abuse, which was not deliberate, it was a sign that he’d lost control, and shouldn’t be punished any more than an asthma attack or a seizure). It’s not clear whether your H or dd are part of the mocking, but it does sound like you are parenting your son alone, and that H has opted out, which is unfair on all of you. I also suspect (but I may be projecting due to my experiences with exH and my children) that your H isn’t stepping up to the challenges that an autistic child presents. Having an autistic sibling is difficult, so maybe some time out for your dd will be good for her. I do think your H is letting you and your son down though by walking out. Ideally you should be working together to make things calmer and to arrange respite for your dd and each other. I’m sorry it’s come to this 💐

. . . Massive assumptions from the little info given.

I feel so sorry for your daughter. It's time to put her first and give your son boundaries. He cannot be allowed to ruin your family.

How would dd describe her situation and how old is she?

I think the OP is struggling and not much more info is coming. Her pod sounded like she was distressed and I don't think she is going to want to see the other side of the coin.

I hope she can talk to husband and they can both listen to each other's needs and the daughters needs and feelings.

It is a very tough situation.

He absolutely adores school and is appreciated for who he is so no issues at school at all. Academically he is flying and he has a fab group of friends - the teachers love him - he thrives on routine and is a credit to the school. He is so polite and well mannered

Sounds like his life is going really well. On the other hand your DD has moved out of her home and her family has split up. In contrast, her life must be really stressful and upsetting.

Does she have a great time at school, a great group of friends, appreciated for who she is and is she flying academically?

I think the urgent thing here is to get your DD help.

Christ. The projection and assumption on this thread. We don’t have anywhere near enough information to hang the man yet. And some are trying to do it anyway.

@1MillionDollars

What are you asking. How difficult is your son.

I was a step dad for years to someone with ASD. It's bloody hard and not everyone can cope with it. There is a high divorce / separation rate with people with ASD children.

How does your daughter feel too as it has probably had a massive impact on her too.

That's not to say he should leave you handling it all by yourself.

Fuck that! Sorry but the DH is the ds dad. He doesn’t get to get it if his responsibilities as a father. And then lame the mother because it’s not what he thinks it should be.

Do you really think it’s not hard for the OP too? 😡😡😡