DS driven my husband and DD to leave

[donutqueen11]

Tonight my Husband has taken our DD and moved to his brothers house. My 13 yr old ASD son has driven them to leave. No one in the family likes my son apart from my auntie and one cousin. They all gang up on me and blame me for the way he is. I feel like just taking him and leaving and starting afresh where no one knows us. Because no one else can cope with him I have always done everything alone and actually there are no issues when it is just me and him. I just hope my DD will come too but think she will choose her dad and GP's!! I am distraught it has come to this but actually don't see any other way. ;0(

Never said it wasn't.

It's not just him that has left. The daughter has too, so this situation is clearly not a good one.

Yes he's great at school, that's not the problem.

There is much much more going on here and all people are seeing is.....

The dad ran away.

@Namenic

It might be for the best to live separately while this stage is going on. Hope you can maintain contact with your DH and DD.

You see I want to say I disagree with that. Why would the father gets an out of jail card and get to chose which child he is looking after? Can you imagine how traumatic it is for both the ds and the dd? You are doing A and B, behaving in a certain way so I will love you and support you. You behave in a different way (even though you have a disability) so I’m going to have nothing to do with you….

On the other side, his attitude towards his ds is so crap that it’s extremely damaging and I wouldn’t leave my ds with him either tbh.

@TravelLost

We don't even know how long he's gone, if he's coming back, if he is making arrangements for son. If he is taking his daughter out of a stressful volatile situation.

We know nothing and everyone is making massive assumptions.

@1MillionDollars you have no idea of the dynamic there, nor the ages for the children

The dd might well appreciate some calm which is fair enough. But if she has been told repeatidly by her dad that her brother is at fault , that her mum is at fault for indulging him etc… she isn’t going to think ‘oh poor him. I can see he has his own struggles and I’ll give some leeway’ is she?

That’s how you pit one sibling against the other and of course she will choose to leave with her dad.

So I wouldn’t actually jump to the conclusion that the ds must be absolutely awful and that’s why the dd is leaving.
With a child that is settled at a school, happy, with friends, not an issue with just mum? The issue is squarely with dad.

[quote TravelLost]@1MillionDollars you have no idea of the dynamic there, nor the ages for the children

The dd might well appreciate some calm which is fair enough. But if she has been told repeatidly by her dad that her brother is at fault , that her mum is at fault for indulging him etc… she isn’t going to think ‘oh poor him. I can see he has his own struggles and I’ll give some leeway’ is she?

That’s how you pit one sibling against the other and of course she will choose to leave with her dad.

So I wouldn’t actually jump to the conclusion that the ds must be absolutely awful and that’s why the dd is leaving.
With a child that is settled at a school, happy, with friends, not an issue with just mum? The issue is squarely with dad.[/quote]
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You have ABSOLUTELY no idea. You are making MASSIVE assumptions and blaming the dad. I think this situation is far more complicated.

The OP has literally given so little information and you come up with all that.

@TravelLost

Have you lived in a house with an ASD child. Do you know what it's like?

How old is your DD? You say at home your DS is not well behaved like at school. Has your DH had to remove her from the home setting for her protection? You don't really seem to have mentioned how her home life is in this scenario other than how lovely it is when you are on your own with DS.

God, some people on here really love to invent their own details and lay into the OP based on very limited information, don’t they. You get the impression they get a kick out of making already struggling people feel worse.

@SparrowNest

God, some people on here really love to invent their own details and lay into the OP based on very limited information, don’t they. You get the impression they get a kick out of making already struggling people feel worse.

. . . It's mad isn't it.

OP with all due respect there has to be more than this to the story. I think there must have been some extreme behviour going on in the family if your husband and daughter have moved out. I feel for you all but in order to see what the problem is I think you must be more open to what is really going on here. I appreciate you want to love and protect your son and I am guessing so does dad so things have to be very bad indeed for a man to consider splitting up his family for this.No one would do that lightly, No blame attatched to anyone here but clearly as a whole family unit you all need to be heard and stratergies put into place to help you all. I hope you can access some outside help and get your family back on track.

Sorry @donutqueen11 I’m hidding this thread now as I feel I will only make things worse/derail the thread when you actually need support instead.

Just really :(:( to see comments how its best to separate two siblings because one of them has ASD and living with them is automatically hell.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

I'm wondering if the OP has any respite.

My ex was pretty good in finding and getting all the support she could. DLA, which she had to fight tooth and nail for, schooling, mobility. Paid carer.

A lot of people are too tired and overwhelmed to do the paper work as it's a nightmare, but when raising a child with disabilities everyone has to be considered.

Might be on iplayer.

m.imdb.com/title/tt8594496/

@DietrichandDiMaggio fair enough, no one likes to be mocked. Would you also lash out at someone who doesn't share your obsessions, or doesnt understand them though though? Is that ok too. The need for control can be very strong with asd sometimes but other people in a family should not always be expected to conform.

How old is your dd? Is her brother verbally abusive or threatening to her; or did your dh just take her because he wants to maintain a relationship with her but not with her brother? There is an assumption on this thread that the dd chose to leave, but especially if she is much younger than her brother, it may have been entirely her father's decision.

Who is mocking your ds? I would have assumed that it was other children at school; but you say that he doesn't have problems there. If it's your dh, or other family members, then they shouldn't!

What is your son's verbal abuse? Is it name-calling, or actual threatening? Has he ever been physically abusive?

Would family counselling be available?

I don't have enough information to give advice; but his ASD is NOT your fault; ASD is a largely genetic condition.

Fuck that! Sorry but the DH is the ds dad.
He doesn’t get to get it if his responsibilities as a father. And then lame the mother because it’s not what he thinks it should be

We have no idea about what’s actually happened. Could it not be possible that the husband is actually prioritising his daughter and getting her out of a difficult environment, rather than the automatic assumption that because he’s a man he’s running away from his responsibilities?

sort of mocks

That is what the OP said. That has massive room for interpretation.

Sadly I don't think op is returning. We're all arguing amongst ourselves.

Your DD though - has she no empathy? Does she follow her father's lead? Is she older or younger than your DS. I can see that she might prefer a quieter life, if she is NT, but still - it's very sad if she's abandoning her brother too.

Yeah, young girls just have to put up with it and have empathy 🙄

Being the sibling of a disabled child is all consuming and your life is not your own, you are the bottom of the pile, the last on anyone’s priority list and as a child yourself, it is really hard to maintain empathy, especially as you reach your teens and see how the family dynamics work in other houses. If you add being at the sharp end of physical or emotional outbursts, that’s not something a sibling should have to put up with. She isn’t abandoning her brother, he isn’t her responsibility. She is putting herself first and it’s probably the first time anyone has ever done that.

The fault here lies with the parents who haven’t managed their relationships in the face of a really difficult situation.

Could it not be possible that the husband is actually prioritising his daughter and getting her out of a difficult environment, rather than the automatic assumption that because he’s a man he’s running away from his responsibilities?

I agree. A selfish guy would have left without DD.

Would you also lash out at someone who doesn't share your obsessions, or doesnt understand them though though? Is that ok too. The need for control can be very strong with asd sometimes but other people in a family should not always be expected to conform.

I wouldn't lash out; but I would try to avoid them as much as possible. I am not autistic, and don't have those sorts of obsessions, but I do have dyspraxia, and find it devastatingly hurtful if people, especially people who know me, blame or mock me for not being able to do things that would be simple for many other people. That actually hurts me far more than many things that would be considered as verbal abuse.

other people in a family should not always be expected to conform

They shouldn't be expected to share the obsessions; but they (especially the adults in the family) should be expected to tolerate them without mockery, just as they should be expected to tolerate someone's blindness or deafness without mockery. It does depend a bit whether the mocker is his sister, who might be excused to some extent on the grounds of age, or his father.

It is not an excuse for your son being abusive; but it's a good reason for his being upset.

I’ve read some of OP’s other posts. It sounds like a very complicated family. DD is in year 11, and OP suspects her DH has undiagnosed autism himself, as well as depression.

There really isn’t enough information here for us all to judge and comment either way.

We have hardly any information - it is useless to speculate.

Only a parent would not take one of their dcs and move into a family member’s house for no good reason .

Your DD though - has she no empathy? Does she follow her father's lead? Is she older or younger than your DS. I can see that she might prefer a quieter life, if she is NT, but still - it's very sad if she's abandoning her brother too.

She may be a small child, with little choice in the matter. I am surprised by the number of people on the thread who seem to assume that she was an equal partner in her father's decision. Even if she's an older teenager, they are not equals, and she may feel very subject to her father's decisions. And for all we know, she could be a 5-year-old.

@BingoLingFucker

It’s difficult to tell what’s happening as we need more information. Ds seems to be masking at school (perfect behaviour there) then letting go at home, which is normal for autistic children. There may be ways school can help - work on transitions between lessons/end of the day so his stress levels can be kept lower. It’s also possible that there are things you can do after school to transition from school day to home evening, and perhaps a routine of sensory activities to help him wind down after a school day, which could make things easier. Having a timetabled, regular routine may help him as well. Mocking was always a huge trigger for my son, and always led to outbursts (verbal abuse, which was not deliberate, it was a sign that he’d lost control, and shouldn’t be punished any more than an asthma attack or a seizure). It’s not clear whether your H or dd are part of the mocking, but it does sound like you are parenting your son alone, and that H has opted out, which is unfair on all of you. I also suspect (but I may be projecting due to my experiences with exH and my children) that your H isn’t stepping up to the challenges that an autistic child presents. Having an autistic sibling is difficult, so maybe some time out for your dd will be good for her. I do think your H is letting you and your son down though by walking out. Ideally you should be working together to make things calmer and to arrange respite for your dd and each other. I’m sorry it’s come to this 💐

I can't believe you're making excuses for actual verbal abuse, tbh. That is not equivalent to an asthma attack, and it does the child a massive disservice to pretend that it is! When they behave that way as a fully grown, thirty-year-old man, no one is going to think 'oh, poor thing, can't help it, just like a seizure...' - they're going to (rightly) think that verbal abuse is not on, and that the individual should have been learning strategies to avoid it. Obviously it's different with a very young child (e.g. under six, seven or so), but I don't get the impression that's what you're referring to, since you're comparing your situation to OP's - and her DS is thirteen!