Bizarre in laws - dh death

[YOR76]

I have never posted on Mumsnet before but I find myself in a bizarre situation and I wonder if I can ask for your opinion/advice?

My husband died of cancer 6 weeks ago, we are young (late 30’s/early 40’s) with 3 children. We have always had a good relationship with my in laws, never any issues in the past, my dh did most of the communicating with them but I also exchanged messages with them about the kids etc.

Since my husband was diagnosed 14 months ago, they have been rubbish at contact, really rubbish. We have barely seen them even though they only live 20 minutes away, weeks would go by where they didn’t contact my dh and any contact with us always fell after golf, childcare for their other grandkids, shopping - we seemed to be at the bottom of the priority pile at a time when we really needed the support. And on the odd occasion they did contact, they weren’t interested in knowing how my dh was and instead asking stupid questions. They saw us 3 times in a year and one one occasion his dad didn’t even get out of the car and just waited at the bottom of the driveway!

Cut to the few weeks before dh died when we were told it was terminal, they still barely spoke to dh, they gave us the occasional ‘if you need us call us’ comment but to be frank, I had too much going on with caring for my dh and the children to go chasing after them. When dh became very ill I suggested they come and see him more often or call by and sit with him so I could have a few hours break, one particular day they told me they couldn’t as they were ‘busy’, when I rang them to say that he’d become quite bad it turns out they were playing golf/at the hairdressers instead of coming to visit their dying son! And his dad was most put out that he had to leave the golf course and made it known as if we should be thankful. The following week they even went away on holiday for a few days, knowing he would die that week - unbelievable.

However, on their return they announced they would be coming to the house every day and despite me asking them to contact first (we had district nurses in around the clock, we were up all night, I was doing all of dh’s care and by this point he was sedated with a syringe driver) they turned up unannounced and stayed for ages. They demanded I call them if he were to die (I politely said I wouldn’t be doing this because I would ensure the nurse was notified first, and then the children to see him and say their goodbyes and plus, it wasn’t as if he were going anywhere), and told me they would continue to come over every day, despite me telling them that this is not what either of us wanted.

At this stage I had nurses in most of the day meaning I got very little time alone with dh and I just wanted chance to sit with him and slowly say goodbye, we had both agreed that we wanted to be at home together in our bedroom when he died without lots of people there. I voiced this to the in laws but they said they didn’t care, they would be coming and basically told me I had no choice in the matter - in my own home.

On the day of dh’s death, they turned up after messaging me to tell me (not ask me) they would be coming and staying for an hour, which caused me real anxiety because I just knew dh was in his last few hours. Of course they stayed for far longer and despite me politely asking them to leave because our wishes had been to be alone, they refused and dh died while they were there. We didn’t get our goodbye we wished for, they recognised this with the nurse but said they didn’t care, they started to phone relatives only minutes after dh had died and invited his sister round even though I hadn’t yet told our children, and when I told them to stop and to allow me some time, they got really rude with me saying they had a ‘right’ to.

Ever since they’ve barely contacted me, not seen the children, been to visit the grave down the road from our house yet not bothered to call in to see me/kids and the final straw is that I was given an old school report of my dh’s during a memorial evening for him which they snuck off the table and are now refusing to give me back saying it belongs to them, despite it being presented to me in front of over 100 people. They have lied saying it had their name on it (there were no names on it) and seem astounded that I’d even want it or would want to keep it for our children.

There have been many more issues in the last few weeks but these are the main ones, they seem to have turned into patronising and controlling bullies and for the sake of maintaining any relationship with them for the sake of my dh and children, I am having to tolerate it. It seems to be my major source of upset right now when all I want to do is quietly grieve for the loss of my husband and my children’s daddy.

AIBU in finding his behaviour terrible? We are all experiencing a big loss but surely this is a time to look out for each other?

Most of the behaviour is driven by dh’s dad, he seems really jealous of me, he doesn’t seem to like that he has no involvement in the situation and everything has to be about what suits them and what is convenient for them.

I feel so so angry and upset that they are behaving like this, they took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable and bullied me, taking away those precious last moments with my dh. My dh’s illness was so much more than those last few weeks but they saw none of that and just wanted to cherry pick the times that suited them, they gave us no support at all and I just don’t feel they deserved to have any involvement in those last few days, especially when they waited until dh was sedated and couldn’t voice his wishes or protect me anymore…

I am very sorry for your unimaginable loss.

To those advocating that to lose a child is the worst thing ever, I'd counter that to lose your husband at such a young age and be left a single parent to young children is more than an equal match to that (and I have lost a DD).

I can't help but feel that in some ways your end of life team have let you down, part of their role is to ensure that the wishes of the dying person are adhered to at the end, to prevent this sort of family breakdown from occurring in the aftermath. I have worked in such a team and we were trained to recognise those relatives who turn up at the end and try to take over. Quite often they are the articulate, out of town professionals who are used to being in control. The plan that you and DH made together was ignored and any control you had over the situation was stripped away from you both. I can well understand how angry you must feel.
That they then started to text others before your children had been informed is utterly terrible and just shows how narcissistic they are.
Do you feel able to contact the team involved to talk it over with them? They should have access to counsellors and possibly CBT that would help you to make a plan to move forward.

OP, this isn’t your responsibility.

You don’t need to drastically ‘go non contact’, but you can transfer responsibility for maintaining the relationship to them.

Obviously I'm very saddened for you and am sorry for your loss.

I would, if I were you, think about how you would be if you fast forward 25/30 years and it was your child with the illness who was now married and their spouse and family. Would you want to give them space ? Feel you are intruding on their precious time ? Feel as you birthed him you have the absolute right to be right in the middle of things ? Would you feel pushed out ? Would you be conflicted because you love them so much but don't want to encroach ?

It's a very complex thing, being a parent of an adult who is dying, very very complex and I dare say they have been very confused as to what their place is in all of this .

So sorry to hear what you have been going through. It does sound like maybe they struggled to accept what was happening until it was very clear that your DH was indeed dying. That is however no excuse for their intrusion when against the wishes of both you and DH. Maybe best to create some breathing space now, change locks if they have a key, screen calls before answering. As for the school report could you ask the person that gave it to you to write a letter for your children with memories of their dad at school. May be even more personal and meaningful than the school report. If they (ILs) ask for time alone with the children I think i would be very hesitant as they may try and createa narrative where you kept them away from their son.
Glad you are getting support from WAY and counselling, have you looked at Winston’s wish for the children? It is going to be a difficult time obviously but you sound like a fabulous wife and mum and best wishes for you.

What Fallingstar21 has suggested is a good idea but do not send such a letter. Shred it after you've written it. I personally found doing such a cathartic and cleansing exercise.

I could understand them wanting to be there at the end if they had wanted to see him a lot more previously, knowing the situation. But to see him only three times in all that time - wow. How did that make dh feel!

I understand what people are saying about the parents struggling to accept the situation, but the OP and her children didn’t have the choice to opt out, and, to be brutal, the ILs made it quite clear during the illness that their lives could carry on as normal without their son.

For now, the OP needs to prioritise herself and her children.

@corblimeygov

Obviously I'm very saddened for you and am sorry for your loss.

I would, if I were you, think about how you would be if you fast forward 25/30 years and it was your child with the illness who was now married and their spouse and family. Would you want to give them space ? Feel you are intruding on their precious time ? Feel as you birthed him you have the absolute right to be right in the middle of things ? Would you feel pushed out ? Would you be conflicted because you love them so much but don't want to encroach ?

It's a very complex thing, being a parent of an adult who is dying, very very complex and I dare say they have been very confused as to what their place is in all of this .

Corblimeygov, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Which highlights why it is so important that the dying person makes their wishes clear to their family and to the team of people involved in their care. OP's DH did this and was completely ignored. The kindest and most loving thing we can do is to respect people's last wishes, however hard that is.

Condolences, OP.

What you are describing is very similar to how my DM behaved when my DF was dying. Sadly, this wasn't because she was grief-stricken at his loss, it was a combination of denial and her narcissism.

It was inexcusable, and I cannot forgive her but, for various reasons, I am not prepared to go NC. However, in your case, I would be NC with the in-laws without a second thought.

I am really surprised that some people are honestly suggesting that the parents had a “right” to be there and visit as they want. Actually, they don’t have any rights. None at all. The only person who gets to decide who is with them and caring for them at any time in their illness and most especially in the final days and hours is the patient. His parents ran utterly roughshod over the plans their the son- the dying person- made. They completely ignored his wishes. Without thought, without consideration, and made OP feel pushed out. That is completely, utterly, and totally without excuse- their grief might explain it (possibly) but it categorically does not excuse it. And it certainly doesn’t mean OP needs to be kind to them, they have not demonstrated an iota of kindness to OP, her husband or her children. They have taken away from OP the last moments and her plan. They watched her doing the end of life care, chatted about their holiday and did not lift a finger- I think that is grotesque. The best they deserve is indifference.

OP, I would just take a step back. No need for completely cutting them out or a falling out. Just don’t contact them, let them contact you- if they want a relationship with their grandchildren they will. You won’t have cut off the relationship, if they don’t make an effort then they have done that all by themselves. And if they don’t want to support their grandchildren and DIL following the death of their son, then your DC are better off without them.

Don’t waste energy tying yourself in knots to facilitate their demands or wishes. Only agree to those things that you think are fair and appropriate, only see them when it suits you and any awful behaviour should result in you leaving/them being asked to leave. You do not need to tolerate rudeness, bullying or any more selfish behaviour. Draw your boundaries, stick to them and conserve your energy and headspace for the things you have to do and the things and people that matter.

My ex family were bastards when my mum, dad and sibling died Op, I honestly dont know why people behave this way.

You owe them nothing and you have every right to prioritise your children and yourself

They handled it very very badly but I think the poster who said they probably didn't believe he was dying got it right.

While you have every right to be angry and feel very let down, try to focus on the whole relationship and feel grateful you had that with your husband. Keep feeling grateful, it really helps.

Huge sympathy for you and your children.
Your PILs have lost their son and grief makes people act in irrational ways.

His parents were behaving extremely poorly in the months (and I daresay too years) leading up to his passing. Seemingly everything and everyone else but their son and his family were being prioritised by his parents and they made their son's death all about them. Why did they take their son's school report at his memorial service, it was really for no other reason than spite.

Gosh they sound awful, I’m sorry you had to go through this … however as previous posters have said, he was their son so I don’t think you really had a right to ask them to leave during his last hours.

Love to you op and sorry for your and your children's loss. I'd go low contact and wait for time to pass. Later on you may be able to speak to MIL about it. But you shouldn't put up with any overstepping - you've had to put up with so much.

Shocking behaviour from them. I'd be glad they havent contacted you as I wouldn't want to see their faces ever again. If they do come crawling back demanding to see the kids, tell them to fuck right off. They have no right to be in your or your children's lives so do yourself a favour and go NC.

This is so awful that in your position, I would never see them again, nor would I allow them access to the children. Their lack of care and contact while he was dying is UNFORGIVABLE and should be treated as such.

So sorry OP for your loss, and what you have had to endure with this on top.

he was their son so I don’t think you really had a right to ask them to leave during his last hours.

I don’t think this came from the OP, I think it was what the son wanted.

Given that they opted out of supporting the family during the period when they required practical and emotional support, I do think they abdicated some rights at the end.

@JaniieJones

'I read this post and I was thinking it sounded like two parents dealing horrendously badly with an impossible situation for them. Huge denial and avoidance followed by terrified panic and inappropriate behaviour as a result of that panic, fear and heartbreak.'

'It doesn’t make it better for you. No. You’ve been treated very poorly and you and your husband didn’t get your goodbye, and I am very sorry for your loss.'

Yes I can see this too. The denial and carrying on as normal then panic at the end. I too would expect to be with my dc at the end and not to have to ask to visit as if on a visitors rota. So what if nurses etc were calling, immediate family members can keep a practical distance until nursing jobs have been carried out.

That doesn't take away from the fact that their behaviour compounded your grief op, but if you have all had previous good relationships I'd try and at some point in the future meet up with them when you feel strong enough. Sounds like there's a lot of projection going on all round tbh.

Very true.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss .Its so sad when a young person dies .Your In laws have behaved very badly indeed.However Grief is a terrible thing and often brings out the worst in people.I think they were in denial the first few months .At the end they have to accept the inevitable .Your DH was their Son too ,and although you had made plans to be together on you own at the end ,it rarely works out quite like that sadly.The trouble of course with going NC is that you lose touch with his family and their memories .Maybe just go LC for now and as the dust settles maybe make contact again .Time is a healer as they say

Living in denial was not a luxury available to the OP.

That wasn’t a direct reply to dottiedoodah. I agree that going completely NC would be more difficult in the long term.

I can't imagine any sane parent behaving in this way. I am so sorry that they robbed you of your chance to let DH die in the way he had requested - this is the thing that stood out the most in your OP.

It is so unbelievably cruel and selfish to impose what you want at such a crucial time.

Grief does bring out the worst in people but my experience is it's kinda there in the first place if you think about it, just exemplified after.

It also defies all logic to not feel eternal gratitude to the one person who made those last few months bearable. Imagine if he hadn't had you? If you were my DIL, I'd spend the rest of my days telling you how valued you are.

@merrymouse

Living in denial was not a luxury available to the OP.

You’re right. It wasn’t. But no one is saying it was ok to react the way the mans parents did. They’re just giving food for thought as time goes by.