I have never posted on Mumsnet before but I find myself in a bizarre situation and I wonder if I can ask for your opinion/advice?
My husband died of cancer 6 weeks ago, we are young (late 30’s/early 40’s) with 3 children. We have always had a good relationship with my in laws, never any issues in the past, my dh did most of the communicating with them but I also exchanged messages with them about the kids etc.
Since my husband was diagnosed 14 months ago, they have been rubbish at contact, really rubbish. We have barely seen them even though they only live 20 minutes away, weeks would go by where they didn’t contact my dh and any contact with us always fell after golf, childcare for their other grandkids, shopping - we seemed to be at the bottom of the priority pile at a time when we really needed the support. And on the odd occasion they did contact, they weren’t interested in knowing how my dh was and instead asking stupid questions. They saw us 3 times in a year and one one occasion his dad didn’t even get out of the car and just waited at the bottom of the driveway!
Cut to the few weeks before dh died when we were told it was terminal, they still barely spoke to dh, they gave us the occasional ‘if you need us call us’ comment but to be frank, I had too much going on with caring for my dh and the children to go chasing after them. When dh became very ill I suggested they come and see him more often or call by and sit with him so I could have a few hours break, one particular day they told me they couldn’t as they were ‘busy’, when I rang them to say that he’d become quite bad it turns out they were playing golf/at the hairdressers instead of coming to visit their dying son! And his dad was most put out that he had to leave the golf course and made it known as if we should be thankful. The following week they even went away on holiday for a few days, knowing he would die that week - unbelievable.
However, on their return they announced they would be coming to the house every day and despite me asking them to contact first (we had district nurses in around the clock, we were up all night, I was doing all of dh’s care and by this point he was sedated with a syringe driver) they turned up unannounced and stayed for ages. They demanded I call them if he were to die (I politely said I wouldn’t be doing this because I would ensure the nurse was notified first, and then the children to see him and say their goodbyes and plus, it wasn’t as if he were going anywhere), and told me they would continue to come over every day, despite me telling them that this is not what either of us wanted.
At this stage I had nurses in most of the day meaning I got very little time alone with dh and I just wanted chance to sit with him and slowly say goodbye, we had both agreed that we wanted to be at home together in our bedroom when he died without lots of people there. I voiced this to the in laws but they said they didn’t care, they would be coming and basically told me I had no choice in the matter - in my own home.
On the day of dh’s death, they turned up after messaging me to tell me (not ask me) they would be coming and staying for an hour, which caused me real anxiety because I just knew dh was in his last few hours. Of course they stayed for far longer and despite me politely asking them to leave because our wishes had been to be alone, they refused and dh died while they were there. We didn’t get our goodbye we wished for, they recognised this with the nurse but said they didn’t care, they started to phone relatives only minutes after dh had died and invited his sister round even though I hadn’t yet told our children, and when I told them to stop and to allow me some time, they got really rude with me saying they had a ‘right’ to.
Ever since they’ve barely contacted me, not seen the children, been to visit the grave down the road from our house yet not bothered to call in to see me/kids and the final straw is that I was given an old school report of my dh’s during a memorial evening for him which they snuck off the table and are now refusing to give me back saying it belongs to them, despite it being presented to me in front of over 100 people. They have lied saying it had their name on it (there were no names on it) and seem astounded that I’d even want it or would want to keep it for our children.
There have been many more issues in the last few weeks but these are the main ones, they seem to have turned into patronising and controlling bullies and for the sake of maintaining any relationship with them for the sake of my dh and children, I am having to tolerate it. It seems to be my major source of upset right now when all I want to do is quietly grieve for the loss of my husband and my children’s daddy.
AIBU in finding his behaviour terrible? We are all experiencing a big loss but surely this is a time to look out for each other?
Most of the behaviour is driven by dh’s dad, he seems really jealous of me, he doesn’t seem to like that he has no involvement in the situation and everything has to be about what suits them and what is convenient for them.
I feel so so angry and upset that they are behaving like this, they took advantage of me when I was at my most vulnerable and bullied me, taking away those precious last moments with my dh. My dh’s illness was so much more than those last few weeks but they saw none of that and just wanted to cherry pick the times that suited them, they gave us no support at all and I just don’t feel they deserved to have any involvement in those last few days, especially when they waited until dh was sedated and couldn’t voice his wishes or protect me anymore…