Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 19/11/2021 07:39

I know it's petty m, but I'd be sorely tempted to message your db back and explain that your NM will likely be around over Xmas, so with that in mind and his response to your January visit, maybe your DB and SIL need to find somewhere else to spend Xmas and you'll meet up with them for a walk and to exchange gifts at some point over Xmas'

Mix56 · 19/11/2021 07:42

I'm not surprised that you're hurting.
I assume Gellar isn't on the family Whatsapp ?
Ive been thinking about this, it depends if the time gas come to tell them the truth.
I think I would reply,
You are entitled to choose your friends. You don't "choose" your family.
I understand in spite of the appalling pain & upheaval G has caused me & Dds you are actively pursuing your friendship with G
You will however need to find alternative accom over X period, as a blatant & public lack of support from people I believed loyal family has irredeemably hurt me.

Newestname002 · 19/11/2021 08:24

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Geller is still peddling the ‘I don’t know why she wants a divorce, woe is me’ line, by the way. Had that from a couple of people this week.

This IS the Geller who's been married twice before IIRC? Surely he - and his flying monkeys - should be looking at who the common denominator is in his many failed relationships? Surely the answer lies there.

Also, as other PPs have suggested, I would remind your manipulative SIL and not so "D"B of the earlier position they've taken, ie:

Best to not meet up or stay with us with a new partner until it's serious and established.

That works both ways. Why do they think they can stay with you and not vice versa? I would certainly not have such hypocrites cluttering up my home.

You take care of yourself and your girls, OP. Nobody else matters. 🌹

Wildheartsease · 19/11/2021 09:01

Sorry this week's family contact has been such a de-railer Polly!

You deserve much better.

You are very kind (naive) to consider having sIL/DB to stay since they refused you AND because they seem to be Geller's Trojan horse!

You really can remind 'friends ' and family that Geller does know exactly why this and his two previous marriages ended... and that no-one should have to live with what you endured from him.

If you do decide to let them stay - arrange the G visit for the day they leave so you can avoid any involvement at all.

OneMorePieceofCheese · 19/11/2021 09:37

I have just watched Maid on Netflix - definitely worth a watch (by your family!) to realise exactly what coercive / financial / emotional abuse is.

goody2shooz · 19/11/2021 11:03

@Wildheartsease has it just right -‘ remind ‘friends’ and family that Geller DOES know exactly why this and his previous marriages failed….and that no one should have to live with what you endured with him’. I’d also add that you’re disappointed that no familial loyalty has been extended to you. And definitely rescind that invite to your b and sil. What a shower 🤬

Maxiedog123 · 19/11/2021 11:11

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. I’ve barely slept. Feel like I’ve taken a massive step backwards.

Just how far does this level of backstabbing go? The dollies tell me Geller is buying Christmas presents for my parents. WTF?

I’m going for a run to think. Half a bottle of red last night didn’t work, so might as well try some exercise! Work was hectic yesterday so I didn’t have a chance to absorb all your brilliant advice. I will come up with a plan of action.

My natural instinct is to withdraw and close down. From the lot of them. I am incredibly hurt.

I replied to a couple of other messages on the WhatsApp so as not to seem like a petulant child - so far I have ignored the Geller meet up request. Cool, calm and collected until I decide what to do.

The point about WhatsApp politics was well made, thank you - doing this in plain sight is about making it seem like I’m the one out of step or the crazy one.

Geller is still peddling the ‘I don’t know why she wants a divorce, woe is me’ line, by the way. Had that from a couple of people this week.

With family like this, who needs enemies eh?

I think id say" probably similar reasons to wives 1 And 2" if anyone asks.
DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/11/2021 12:19

Geller is still peddling the ‘I don’t know why she wants a divorce, woe is me’ line, by the way. Had that from a couple of people this week.

My response would be: ‘This is his third divorce. He really should have figured it out by now.’

Also, I think you can now assume that everything that you say or do with DB and SIL will be reported back to Geller.

I like other posters’ responses to SIL’s message. I’d text something along the lines of ‘I took DB’s message to mean that you wouldn’t be staying with me’. You may also want to say ‘I’ve now made other plans, sorry’.

If you don’t want to wriggle out of it and are happy to have them stay with you, well, firstly, you are a better woman than I am. And secondly, I’d text back and say (if you have made plans for their visit) ‘We are going X at lunchtime on Saturday and Z on Sunday. The dollies and I will make our own plans/do our own thing/won’t be joining you when you meet Geller.’

Stay strong, Polly!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2021 13:40

Although it would probably be an exercise in futility, I think I'd want to say "I am your sister/daughter. Why don't you have my back in this? Why is it that you believe him over me? Just why?".

As it is all you can do is 'pull back' both physically and emotionally.

pointythings · 19/11/2021 13:56

This may well end in you going LC with your immediate family for some time, for your own mental health.

And you know what? That's fine. They don't deserve you in their lives. You've already shown how you can soar without Geller weighing you down. Your business is thriving and set to get even better. You will have your professional accreditation. You have people in your life who do have your back and you will make more good friends as you start living your life to the full.

When the shit hits the fan, you really do find out who your true friends are. They often aren't the ones you were expecting in that role. The rest are no great loss - though it probably doesn't feel like that. Keep doing the good work with your therapist and keep growing. These people who are letting you down are just miserable weeds, holding you back.

MzHz · 19/11/2021 14:01

Oh the betrayal is cuts to the bone, I would actually interpret DB text to say that they weren’t staying with you, but happy to meet up so for them to let YOU know whenever they’re free to do something.

Without Geller. Clearly.

They have to learn that you’re not going to let them side with him and just roll over

Actions have consequences.

I’m so sorry Polly, I’ve had equivalent betrayal and it hurts like nothing else. Your head is reeling because it feels like a conspiracy and you don’t know who to trust.

Hold your dollies close, hold yourself tight too and try to detach from db/sil and your parents (my heart broke for you in in your op)

It might be really crap atm, but keep faith in yourself and you WILL pull through this

comfortablyfrumpy · 19/11/2021 14:12

No further advice to add, there are some great suggestions upstream ^^.

But I do think the LC approach might be best for you for now. They've shown themselves to be untrustworthy and disloyal. I'd assume anything they know is going back to Gellar.

Just disengage. You and the Dollies will have a better time without them.

I did like the suggestion of "I don't know, maybe ask wives 1 and 2? " Brilliant ! Grin

Polly have a lovely weekend, forget the idiots you happen to be related to, and just have some good time with the dollies x

TheTeaCosyofDoom · 19/11/2021 14:41

I don't often get cross about stuff I read on MN, but this business with your brother and his wife has made me absolutely livid on your behalf. I'm not surprised that you're hurt, the rotten hurtful disloyal bastards.

Even if you manage to keep things on an even keel until Christmas, I do wonder to myself if you will be able to stay cool calm and collected when these shitbags are actually in your house, especially if they have made plans to spend time with Geller. I think this visit of theirs has the potential to ruin your Christmas, so I am going to join in with those who are advising to cancel it. But I wouldn't give as a reason your brother's apparent reluctance to meet up with LNM (lovely new man). It is non of their fucking business whether or not LNM will be around at Christmas. From now on they get no information whatsoever about LNM or his movements, or what the two of you intend to do together in the future. Suffice it to say something along the lines of 'I'm afraid that due to unforeseen circumstances I will no longer be able to host you as expected.' Let them pick the bones out of that.

If you cancel the visit you can please yourself completely what you and the dollies do on those days, and the stress of what might be said and done when they meet up with Geller will be greatly reduced.

Good move to answer non-contentious questions/statements and ignore demands for arrangements with Geller. Why are you saying that you can no longer host us? Is your new man going to be there? Ignore. Would the dollies like x for Christmas? Thumbs up sign. We are staying at x b&b if you can't host us. Ignore. Even though we are no longer staying with you, you can still have a drink with us and Geller. Ignore. From someone who learned far too late in life the power of staying silent, I send love and best wishes to you and the dollies. As far as your family is concerned: may the fleas of a thousand camels infest etc etc.

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 19/11/2021 16:24

Geller is still peddling the ‘I don’t know why she wants a divorce, woe is me’ line, by the way. Had that from a couple of people this week.

Just remind people he hasn't really mastered being a decent husband yet...he's tried and failed 3 times so far.

And if there is a petulant child in any of this...it really is NOT you.
Wine

StuckInPollyannaMode · 19/11/2021 19:42

I have replied. I didn’t want them to think I was just to roll over and accept it. I also wanted to have a second line of defence in case they came back with a load of crap.

I am not going to remove their invitation for Christmas. It would hurt my father beyond anything and the children too. Everyone else doesn’t accept my view on what has happened and that is their choice. However, what they have done and the way they have acted does mean that going forward my boundaries are firmly in place, they don’t get invited to things, included in news, nor are they considered loyal. I will take many many blows but if you are not loyal - you’re out. They may be able to mend things over time but I’m going very low contact for the next year to protect myself and the girls. If that means I have to reduce what I tell my parents too, so be it.

Actions have consequences, even if I’m not going to spell them out.

I sent (on the family WhatsApp- oh, and no, Geller isn’t on there)

The best time for you to see Geller is after you leave, if you were to see him before heading onto your friends for New Year. That way it keeps everything separate and doesn't confuse the girls.

I got back ‘okie dokes’ and a response to an earlier question about dietary requirements.

So, maybe the subject is now closed. Until I see my parents next weekend

But you know what? A year ago I wouldn’t have said anything. I’d have just taken it and silently nursed my wound and it would have festered. I have been polite and non-confrontational and said my piece - and I have some wording prepared for if they pull any shit, for which I thank you all xxx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/11/2021 19:45

Well done on sticking up for yourself.

You have come so far Thanks

Welshgal85 · 19/11/2021 20:03

Well done Polly! So sorry they are being like this, I agree loyalty is everything. Keep your boundaries in place, look after yourself and your dollies Wine

Tombero · 19/11/2021 20:10

Long time lurker, marvellous response Polly Flowers

Monstertrucks · 19/11/2021 21:47

As usual you rise above and shine through!
Well done.

It's such a shame your family cant see what us strangers on the internet can see.
We are all behind you Polly stand tall xx

pointythings · 19/11/2021 22:08

Perfect approach, Polly and I am applauding your boundaries. I also admire the way you always choose to be the bigger person in the face of hordes of metaphorical weasels.

Opal8 · 19/11/2021 22:09

Op;
What about your hurt?
Why does your father's, your mother's, your brothers hurt trump yours?
I am like you - I can take my fair share of shit - but disloyalty?
Nope.
It's been a revelation to me to begin treating people the way they treat me.
And you know what?
They really don't like it! 😊

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2021 22:43

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

You are a perfect example of "When they go low, you go high" and I salute you!

Justilou1 · 19/11/2021 22:51

Smart thinking 99! (You’re probably far too young for that reference!)

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2021 22:56

@Justilou1

Right on, "86".

Some of us aren't too young!

SpringCrocus · 19/11/2021 22:59

Well, I applaud you for going high. But I would have cancelled their visit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread