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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 18/11/2021 14:25

Cancel their visit.

RobertsRadio · 18/11/2021 14:43

Do you think they are trying to get a rise out of you or are just genuinely a bit dim and without any awareness of what you've been through, or maybe just don't care or want to know? Only you can guess as we don't know them. Whatever the reason I would play it cool and let them know that they can see Gellar whenever they like, just to let you know when and you and the Dollies will make your own arrangements.

I would be wary of sharing any information with them about your relationship(s) and the divorce. They may not be sharing anything with Gellar, but I wouldn't be giving them the benefit of the doubt.

REignbow · 18/11/2021 14:50

I think your brother and his wife have shown you who they are and that the apple doesn’t fall far from the cart (obviously your brother was the golden child with your mother). Like those not so dear friends of yours (the one’s you visited), Geller is recruiting his minions to put you in your place. He wasn’t bothered by Xmas last year (and if I remember correctly made it miserable re: decorations and a church visit) but now he’s organising family walks Angry.

I would ignore the message, because they have done it to get a rise out of you (like a PP the message was sent via a family WhatsApp group).

Also, if you are unable to cancel then I would NEVER invite them again nor try to instigate any meet ups. It is sad for your dollies and your DN’s, but you need positive balanced people in your life. Not people that will drip poison into their ears.

RandomMess · 18/11/2021 14:55

My mind just boggles tbh.

I am truly 😳

When you do respond I would include "so are you inviting his girlfriend along too?"

REignbow · 18/11/2021 15:01

#not cart but tree!

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 18/11/2021 15:51

And if they do plan to meet up with him, suggest they take a pen and ask them to remind him he has some paperwork to sign.

villamariavintrapp · 18/11/2021 16:38

Just caught up. Think I'd reply 'oh no, think there's been some crossed wires-brother told me he doesn't want to meet up or stay as I'm in a new relationship and he doesn't feel comfortable with that until we're more established. Assume he's arranged something else now.'

LadyDanburysHat · 18/11/2021 16:40

Wow Polly, I'm so sorry that you have such a shitty family. Firstly your brothers message is fucking rude. And then SIL and hers. I agree that Cavagirl has a good response to this. If indeed it is too late to cancel them. I certainly wouldn't want them in my house for 3 days.

GinIronic · 18/11/2021 16:44

Cancel the visit. The treacherous bastards can stay with Geller.

ShowMeTheSugar · 18/11/2021 17:00

I'm so confused, do they expect you to go on this walk? Wtaf. In a one on one conversation I think it's worth letting them know about the police, the intimidation, harassing your friends for advice when you left etc.

For your brother I might respond "No worries, we can always meet up another time. Does that mean you'd also prefer not to stay over Christmas? That would be a shame but I'll understand".

For SIL, as there is an audience I might say "No firm plans as yet, when you do set a time let me know and I can plan something fun with the dollies then instead." Then pivot away entirely "I was thinking of making xyz/planning a day here etc".

SpringCrocus · 18/11/2021 17:18

Bloody hell, Just cancel them. You know that they are now HIS flying monkeys.

And yes, say something to the Dollies about your "new friend" to pre empt Gellers spite.

Seriously Polly, don't be guilted into having them to stay with you. They've picked their side. And it isn't you , sadly

Mix56 · 18/11/2021 17:32

Gobsmacked. Obviously cava's response is best, the alternative would be
"Are you fucking kidding me"

Just what the actual fuck ?

imonlyhooman · 18/11/2021 17:48

I'm fuming on your behalf. I would reply to the family whatsapp and suggest the best time for them to see Geller is after they leave yours, then they can see him and carry on home. I'd try and say something along the lines of that way it keeps everything separate and doesn't confuse the dollies.

ItWasAgathaAllAlong · 18/11/2021 19:23

Oh Polly.

No, no and no. I've no experience in these things, but do you think you might need to spell out to your DB and SIL how bad it's really been? They are clearly thinking it's all a 'storm in a tea cup', and sadly your DB seems to be taking after your mum in terms of how he thinks about your part in this.

Please, follow some of the excellent advice on here. Either dis-invite them (and don't feel guilty about it - they clearly don't feel guilty about the situation they're potentially putting you in) or make it clear that if they do stay and meet up with Geller, it's without you and the Dollies. No room for discussion.

I'm so sorry it's like this, Polly. You've come so far, and you've got so much stronger. You are right, they are wrong. Whatever you do, don't agree to anything (including them staying) just to 'be polite' or to 'avoid drama'. They're the ones being impolite, and the ones causing the drama. Their circus, their monkeys.

And no, the Dollies aren't 'missing out' if they don't see your DB and SIL. They won't remember, and it won't damage them. You are protecting them by protecting yourself. Not for the same reasons, but my DSs haven't seen their grandparents or uncles on my DH's side of the family for over 10 years because of the way we were treated. It hasn't damaged my DSs one bit. In fact, the older they get, the more they understand why we had to do what we did. The Dollies will too, given time and maturity.

So now, maybe you can have a quiet week after Christmas instead, and enjoy packing for your skiing trip! Smile And your DB and SIL can find somewhere else to stay and see Geller on their own!

Sandunesandseashells · 18/11/2021 19:50

Wow, delurking to say that it must surely work both ways; if you can’t meet up or stay with them, they cannot possibly meet up or stay with you. To do so would be hypocritical.
If they argued that your new partner would not be at yours, drop in a “Oh, did I not mention he is invited?” just for their reaction Grin.

comfortablyfrumpy · 18/11/2021 20:06

@villamariavintrapp

Just caught up. Think I'd reply 'oh no, think there's been some crossed wires-brother told me he doesn't want to meet up or stay as I'm in a new relationship and he doesn't feel comfortable with that until we're more established. Assume he's arranged something else now.'
Polly I am absoutely incandescent on your behalf.

Lots of great responses on here, but I like this one best. Smacks it right back at them.

Honestly they are the pits. Absolutely the pits.

harriethoyle · 18/11/2021 20:29

@villamariavintrapp

Just caught up. Think I'd reply 'oh no, think there's been some crossed wires-brother told me he doesn't want to meet up or stay as I'm in a new relationship and he doesn't feel comfortable with that until we're more established. Assume he's arranged something else now.'
This is absolutely PERFECT. Please send this. Your brother's an arse. No wonder he gets on with Geller.
RandomMess · 18/11/2021 20:35

I think it's an ace response too, I'd tag on the end - not sure if DB still wants to see Gellar as he has a new woman on the go?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 18/11/2021 20:38

Easy for me to say from miles away but I'd be typing nuclear launch codes into the family chat by now about the "real Geller" as it seems (like you said) he'd have to go full Hannibal Lector on you for them to see him in a bad light. With this and the previous sarky comments from the couple you stayed with on a previous thread I can't help but applaud the way you've conducted yourself.

Isthisit22 · 18/11/2021 20:39

Don't have your brother stay with you. He's just as toxic as your parents

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 18/11/2021 21:00

Your SIL has very deliberately baited you with your family as audience. What an absolute peach. She is trying to put you into what she perceives your place to be. And your brother was too, although not so publicly. Either way they're bloody rude and you've just escaped one twit who's been doing that. Don't concede to their ridiculous plans. Asking them to explain what exactly they mean is a good idea. And delve into their answers with a similar curiosity. It's always good fun to parrot back to them the ridiculous things they say and ask, do you really mean to say xy&z? In the most incredulous tone you can muster.

Mummapenguin20 · 18/11/2021 22:24

Cancel there trip to yours, tell them in no uncertain terms its you or geller

BudrosBudrosGalli · 19/11/2021 01:39

Cancel the cheque errr I mean your brother's visit. It works both ways.

Justilou1 · 19/11/2021 07:06

Honestly think they’re both baiting. Fuckers!!!
Don’t respond. Don’t explain. Let them ask… on repeat. The more they ask, the more likely it is that they will show themselves up to be crazy for doing so. I absolutely agree that they have clearly marked their card as toxic saboteurs. Don’t be surprised if they have been leaking info to Geller all along. (About work, home life, etc.) Assume anything you have said to them (and probably your DM, as she will have blabbed too) will have been passed on to Geller as these two are fucking jealous and don’t want the status quo changed. The worst thing @StuckInPollyannaMode can do to them is succeed and live happily ever after. Already winning.
Don’t answer any calls from them. Don’t respond to any messages about this topic, but remain calm and in control. From now on, be a closed book.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 19/11/2021 07:26

I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. I’ve barely slept. Feel like I’ve taken a massive step backwards.

Just how far does this level of backstabbing go? The dollies tell me Geller is buying Christmas presents for my parents. WTF?

I’m going for a run to think. Half a bottle of red last night didn’t work, so might as well try some exercise! Work was hectic yesterday so I didn’t have a chance to absorb all your brilliant advice. I will come up with a plan of action.

My natural instinct is to withdraw and close down. From the lot of them. I am incredibly hurt.

I replied to a couple of other messages on the WhatsApp so as not to seem like a petulant child - so far I have ignored the Geller meet up request. Cool, calm and collected until I decide what to do.

The point about WhatsApp politics was well made, thank you - doing this in plain sight is about making it seem like I’m the one out of step or the crazy one.

Geller is still peddling the ‘I don’t know why she wants a divorce, woe is me’ line, by the way. Had that from a couple of people this week.

With family like this, who needs enemies eh?

OP posts: