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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/11/2021 14:06

Hate to be Debbie Downer, but would the car come with 'strings'? I'm thinking of being 'on-call' to ferry them around whenever they wanted to go into town or that you'd be running constant errands for them? That could be a real disadvantage if they expected you to drop everything multiple times a week to drive umpteen miles just to run them into town or to drop off bread and eggs.

Or again, having to hear "Well, we lent you our car for 6 months so you should ".

Mix56 · 12/11/2021 19:57

U
I agree there is a risk of your mother using the loan of a car as a way of manipulation, but if you have no orher choice, so be it
Could you ask your father if it will be free of consequences ? He knows what you mean.

timeisnotaline · 13/11/2021 00:12

I think you’d just have to resist the post car lend manipulation.
Parents: can you drop us 45 mins away tonight?
Polly: no, I can’t manage that tonight with work sorry. A bit more notice please!
Parents: but we lent you our car!
Polly: I really thought that was a lend to help me out since dad couldn’t drive it anyway, not signing up for indentured servitude! If I ever can’t drive my car and you need one, I’ll lend it to you ok?

RandomMess · 13/11/2021 01:33

Polly's parents live hours away.

Mix56 · 13/11/2021 11:29

The flip side doesn't have to be potentially becoming a taxi service, They may say she has to pay for the MOT, (repairs) or Tax, or new tyres etc.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2021 14:04

@RandomMess

Polly's parents live hours away.
Distance never stops a CF.
RandomMess · 13/11/2021 16:52

Oh yeah there will be payback just not in the ways suggested earlier.

Polly could you and you partner agree to get a car each through the business? Instead of competing with the Range Rover you could take the ethical green route and smile as you pass comment on how environmentally awful his car is for the environment and you've moved on from needing a status symbol as you have nothing to make up for in the bedroom department.

Fake it til you make it over the car jealousy!

Hope your weekend is amazing I ended up watching much of the Lords Mayor Show happy memories of when my eldest used to be I. It.

ChristmasPlanning · 13/11/2021 21:15

He's so useless!

Borrow the car, one less thing to think about.

Have a wonderful time in London

StuckInPollyannaMode · 14/11/2021 08:01

I have said yes to the car and have offered to pay half of the annual service (it’s under 3 years old so all covered really, just Labour) and six months car tax.

I’m going to sell my pile of rubbish and just stash the cash and see if the market drops. The accountant won’t let us buy cars through the business for various reasons - also my partner doesn’t want to do it and we are always equal so that’s that one out.

London has been absolutely wonderful and I’m utterly exhausted 😁 walked the legs off ourselves yesterday and I treated myself to a bauble from Liberty’s as a memento

Last night he met a friend of mine, after Les Mis, which was utterly incredible. I’ve woken up to a message from her which says new chap is absolutely lovely, she thoroughly approves and that comparing him to Geller is like comparing a lump of inert and extremely boring chalk to a very tasty cheese 🤣

It’s been a super weekend.

Oh - and the house at auction - went for way over guide price and way over my budget. Which is good as I couldn’t have afforded it, so now I can let it go.

Hope everyone else is having good weekends. @RandomMess did you make it up to town?

OP posts:
pointythings · 14/11/2021 10:05

That's actually the best possible outcome on the house - it's over, no 'if only's possible because it was out of your hands completely. Fresh start on the house hunting.

And your professional life will take that leap, you have a lovely man in your life and all will be well on the car front.

Eventually Geller will sign those papers.

RandomMess · 14/11/2021 11:51

Yes town was good ate in a Lebanese erm by the market near South Bank and the Globe. Lovely to see my friend about to go out for lunch with another - friend number 8 since Wednesday evening - utterly bloody knackered

ShockGrinWine

StuckInPollyannaMode · 18/11/2021 13:10

Today's incandescent update is brought to you courtesy of my DB and SIL.

So, over the wonderful weekend in London, New Lovely Chap asked me to go skiing with him in the first week of the new year. Hurrah, new experience for Polly (was last on the slopes over 20 years ago, have long wanted to get back to it) and he is going anyway so was all very relaxed and be great if you can join me, fear not if you can't etc. I said a very gleeful yes.

Logistics all sorted and I'm going for 4 days so no need to disrupt the dollies and not too much for my first ski time etc.

My DB lives about an hour from where we are going.

I sent him a message saying I'm not sure if he's realised that I am seeing someone, but I am, and we are heading to near where he lives on 1st Jan and it would be great to see him if possible, but that I didn't want to put anyone or the kids in a difficult position so wouldn't stay with them. We are on the x time chunnel so would be in their region by y time.

I got back:

Best to not meet up or stay with us with a new partner until it's serious and established. And we are on the same crossing so we'll be watching.

FUCKING RUDE. Ok, whatever. But, charming.

Today, I get a message on the family whatsapp from my SIL.

Polly, do you have a schedule yet for the few days we are with you? We are organising a little walk / pint with Geller. When would be a good time? He has given some time slots from his side too, so hopefully we can make it work xx

I AM FUCKING RAGING.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 18/11/2021 13:18

Wow. So much for familial loyalty. . .

I think I'd sadly be unavailable - mainly to ensure I didn't say something I could never take back, or potentially glass somebody. . .

SpringCrocus · 18/11/2021 13:25

So are they staying with you, but expecting to meet up with Geller? Or expecting you to go and meet up with Geller with them? Or what? #confused
Either way, sounds incredibly disloyal and hurtful on their part.

Theunamedcat · 18/11/2021 13:31

Do they expect you to join them? Play happy families? Do they not believe you had a bad marriage?

StuckInPollyannaMode · 18/11/2021 13:31

They are staying with me for 3 days after Christmas. With my nieces.

I am unclear as to whether they expect to go off alone to see him, or are taking their children, or expecting to take mine too.

Hell will freeze over before I go on a jolly japes family walk.

It's the disloyalty which has upset me so very much. If he had knocked me around, would they be still be getting together for a pint? Because apart from the financial and emotional abuse, that is the only thing he didn't do. He did intimidate me, and the children, on several occasions.

They don't know about the time I went to the police.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/11/2021 13:34

Ask for clarification?

Say, what day are you thinking of meeting him so I can make alternative arrangements for that day?

StuckInPollyannaMode · 18/11/2021 13:35

You know what? If they had said look, Polly, it feels a bit weird to be in your neck of the woods and not at least say hi, would you mind if we nipped over for a quick coffee and to wish him all the best and draw a line under it...I'd probably have said yes, that sounds gracious and civilised, thank you for being thoughtful.

It's the doing it behind my back. How long have they been talking to him? What shit has he been feeding them?

The last time I saw them, in July, I ended up having a panic attack because of the argument with my brother about the divorce and the way Geller is being with me. I don't know whether they think I should have just put up with it or don't believe me. I've not talked to them about it much. They haven't asked.

It's clear I can't trust them at all. I thought we'd got past this. Clearly not.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 18/11/2021 13:40

I think I'd reply along the lines of
I'm sorry that you appear to have failed to notice that Gellar and I are now divorced. The only reason I still am in contact with for any reason is because of the dollies. I will not being seeing him for any other reason than to exchange the dollies for their contact time. You may do whatever you wish with him but anytime you spend with him will not involve me or the Dollies should it be during my contact time.

CallMeMabel · 18/11/2021 13:40

I wouldn't be putting them up for three days after that, they can go and stay with Geller if they're so bloody fond of him!

Cavagirl · 18/11/2021 13:54

Polly, do you have a schedule yet for the few days we are with you? We are organising a little walk / pint with Geller. When would be a good time? He has given some time slots from his side too, so hopefully we can make it work xx

Lurker but I'm a WhatsApp politics expert (or so I like to think). There's a reason this is written in family WhatsApp, whether conscious or not. It's too bait you into a response in front of an audience, as much as you must want to rage back WTAF all that will do will be to allow them to paint you as "emotional" or "not managing well, poor love".

If it was me, I'd -

  1. just not reply, pretend I'd forgotten/ not seen (to rub it in you can later reply to subsequent chat on other topics Wink)
  2. when chased, act very confused about what they were asking, make them spell it out
  3. if it turns out they just want to see him without you: MN head tilt, "oh gosh how funny you're still in touch with him well just let me know when you'll be out, I'm sure the dollies and I will find something else to do."
  4. if it turns out they're attempting to hatch some kind of horrendous family outing: MN head tilt, "oh how strange, why would you want to do that?" eventually "no I don't think that's really appropriate is it, given all he's put us through. Now what would you like with the turkey?" Do not expand on this. Not appropriate. No details. Do not JADE.

Wouldn't surprise at all if he's put them up to it.

Do. Not. Rise. To. It.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2021 13:55

Well, I guess you are safe to assume that Geller and your parents now know about the new chap. And what they hell do they mean by 'serious and established'? Since when has meeting a sibling's new 'friend' been such a serious fucking deal? They can't possibly be entertaining the notion that you would agree to a reconciliation, could they?

I cannot believe such a betrayal, I really can't. If 'when we are with you' means staying at yours, I'd rescind that invitation. And I wouldn't supply SiL with any information as to a 'schedule'. She's fishing for information as to when/if you're seeing new chap to pass on.

Sorry to say it, but I'd keep an eye/ear on the Dollies. Geller isn't going to keep this to himself and IMHO he'll want to impart it to them in a way that will be hurtful to you or try to make it 'their secret' ("Mum doesn't want you to know").

Cavagirl · 18/11/2021 13:55

to not too 🙄

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 18/11/2021 14:09

I cannot believe such a betrayal, I really can't. If 'when we are with you' means staying at yours, I'd rescind that invitation.

^ this.

If they're meeting up with Geller, maybe they should stay out of your way with him. Hmm

I would have a massive change of plan and take yourself and the dollies away for the period that your "D"B and SIL are around. If you're not there to offer free accommodation, they'll need to book into a hotel instead.

"Sorry B & SIL, late change of plans. We're going away so you need to sort out something else. Festive felicitations you double-crossing, back-stabbing bastards Polly"

pointythings · 18/11/2021 14:12

Oh Polly, clearly all the sanity, decency and humanity in the family came to you in one big lump, leaving the others a toxic mess.

I'd take Cavagirl's advice and not engage, and also Math's advice in terms of keeping an eye on the dollies. I wouldn't trust anyone in your family not to feed them the poison.

What a shitty bunch of people they are.