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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/02/2022 12:38

@sixpencenonethepoorer and whoever else wants it - here's my referral code. Gets you 65% off your first order and 30% off your first month.

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@Tomlettegregg welcome aboard! And thank you for the compliment.

I did, in fact, start to compose a divorce memoir on my run this morning. I"m going to call it Grace and Dignity. Grin Can't imagine it being a big hit, but maybe one day I'll write it.

Update for you. This morning, out of nowhere after breakfast, the DDs suddenly asked to meet Westley. DD2 said that he sounds like a nice chap, and DD1 said that he must be nice if I'm spending time with him. I spluttered a bit and said that I would ask him. DD1 shrugged and said, but Mummy, we know all your other friends, why can't we meet him?

Maybe we have been massively overthinking this and it really IS that simple? It's not like either of us have plans to move things along quickly. We both treasure our own family weekends with our own children. Maybe we just get rid of the mystery and they meet him briefly and job done, rather than make a mountain out of a molehill.

Oh, and talking of children. My DSD turned a significant age yesterday. The Dollies and I spoke to her in the evening and I have sent her some money.

Geller, as far as I know, only spoke to her for 5 minutes. The girls and I were on for at least 25.

Now, what happens to child maintenance for younger children once you're no longer legally responsible for your eldest? Does the rate go up - I seem to recall it does. Asking for a friend, obviously.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 09/02/2022 12:40

Yes the CM should go up if he’s not paying for another child.

And I’d pursue it.

billy1966 · 09/02/2022 13:39

OP,

Perhaps showing them a picture of Westly would satisfy them in the interim.

It is very natural for them to want to put a picture to the idea of him.

RobertsRadio · 09/02/2022 16:04

You should definitely pursue a higher rate of CM if he is no longer going to pay for his eldest.

Re.Wesley I think you need to see if he would be comfortable meeting your girls before committing to anything. You don't have to introduce them yet, you are allowed to have friends that they haven't met.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2022 20:45

It's a bit of a conundrum with the Westley thing. The girls may be ready to meet him, but is HE ready to meet them? And does it represent a specific level of 'relationship commitment' to him?

I guess if there was a way to do a 'doorstep' meeting where he met them briefly but then the two of you went out that might be easiest and less 'involved'. They'd be able to put a face to the name, but he wouldn't feel as if he was being asked to become 'involved' with the children (if he's not ready for that).

Mix56 · 09/02/2022 21:08

I agree, you are allowed to have friends, close friends, acquaintances... the Dd's havent met all your entourage.
Maybe you could say, (if he wants to get that involved & remember that the last time you pushed him a bit too far , he was like a horse in fire ?) that its a good friendship but you dont know if it will become a serious relationship yet & when you know then ic course they will meet him

Feministwoman · 09/02/2022 23:06

I'd be deeply suspicious that this desire to see him is driven by something either Geller or Not Friend had said.
You are allowed to say NO to the Dollies, you know! Just because they ask, doesn't mean you have to do it.
Tbh, I'd just say "maybe, sometime," and then shut down further discussion.

I suspect outsider influences, here

Justilou1 · 09/02/2022 23:55

I’m with @Feministwoman… I’d park it until after the divorce is well and truly finalized. Start with a photo and then MUUUUUUUCH later, maybe they could wave to him during a FaceTime call…. I think you have more power if Gellar introduces his Barbie first…. (You get to be the strong mum who picks up the pieces as usual…)

StuckInPollyannaMode · 10/02/2022 05:42

Well, hello insomnia my old friend, how lovely of you to join us…

Urgh.

I am going round in circles on this, so I have decided the best thing to do is do nothing.

I haven’t mentioned it to Westley - you’re right @Mix56 about the way he reacted last time (I’m not saying he was wrong to react like that!) and I’m not ready.

Something will happen, when it’s the right time. And now is not it. As various of you have said, just because the Dollies want it, doesn’t mean the Dollies get it!

I also want to stand firm. One thing at a time. Let’s get the house (if I have my way, we’ll be in 8 weeks!) and get settled. That’s far more of a priority for me.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 10/02/2022 08:41

Very Wise... There's no hurry. he may be perfectly happy as it is, Are You ready to get involved/be introduced to His kids ?
It's going to complicate your life, how would the DDs get on with step siblings ? its a whole other bag of worms, one that I imagine is not necessary at this stage.

Do they know Gellar has a Flooz ?

Moooning · 10/02/2022 10:05

I think watching and waiting until you are moved and settled is a good thing. Its natural to want to give your darling girls what they ask for, especially if it feels aligned with what you want in the future. Well done for keeping your logical head about you, it's more than I can manage a lot of the time these days!

Also, not that I want to be a party pooper, but should we be referring to Gellar's lady friend as a floozy? I think it feeds in to the age old mysogynist crap that fuels this man's world we still live in...and I would hate to think of Westley's ex for example referring to you like that.

Maybe thinking up a new (nice?!) nickname for her might be fun for a Thursday, what do other folks think?

BTW I realise how massively invested I am in all this, but so what Grin

Moooning · 10/02/2022 10:38

My suggestion is Mrs Robinson Wink

Mix56 · 10/02/2022 10:53

Yes, Probably a bit derogatory, but there a lots worse!

Mix56 · 10/02/2022 10:54

PW ( for Poor Woman !)

prettybird · 10/02/2022 12:11

Maybe let the Dollies see a picture of him, so that they have a mental image of him (or their imagination could run riot Wink) but gently explain that you and he are still taking it slowly because they are your biggest priority.

Don't make too big a deal of it though as otherwise when they do get to meet him, they'll assume that you're getting married Grin

ShowMeTheSugar · 10/02/2022 12:21

I like PW...because she'll need all the sympathy she can get once she realises what she's gotten herself into!

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/02/2022 17:11

I would agree that it might be best not to introduce Westley yet. My kids are much older than yours, but have still found it a bit difficult when Ex has introduced his latest girlfriend to them after not very long. They've said they'd rather wait until they knew it was long-term. (funnily enough none of his GFs seem to put up with him for long, wonder why...).

The Dollies have got lots to keep them distracted with house move etc so I'm sure they will be fine to wait.

Sounds like progress with the house. 8 weeks is good!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2022 17:34

I think you're right to just wait until the moment presents itself. And they usually do.

I agree with not needing to vilify Geller's new squeeze. She isn't the OW, she didn't break up the marriage. And as far as we know she's just an ordinary woman who has fallen for his line and haven't most of us been there at some time in our lives? I think "PW (poor woman) is perfectly adequate.

CliffsofMohair · 12/02/2022 09:04

How that man doesn’t signal his arrival into every room with a flashing red klaxon on his head I’ll never know

Tomeeornottomee · 12/02/2022 13:04

@StuckInPollyannaMode I just had to google what a bettys hamper is and. Wow. Just wow. I honestly feel like your mum has crossed a line and shown her true colours. 😞 but at least you know who you can and can’t trust x

Mix56 · 12/02/2022 15:21

There's a sale on! Pollys mother probably sent it after Xmas to catch a cheap deal... Its still such a slap in the face for you Polly..
I would say, I'm divorcing him, he is so awful, awful father & awful husband. & you send expensive gifts, Just about sums up our relationship.

Tomeeornottomee · 12/02/2022 21:48

It’s such a slap in the face, if I remember correctly she gave polly some sort of oven cleaner? I would be cutting her out of my life sharpish. She sounds toxic... much like most commercial oven cleaners!

Ikeabag · 13/02/2022 10:12

Hullo, delurking (kind of, I have commented briefly before under a different name/account!) to say I agree with Tom - big fan of your writing style Polly. Less so of the reason we've all been introduced to it, but I've been off MN for an age and wondered how you were the other day so thought I would come and find you again. A thought I had re the dollies asking: you know them best, but is it possible that they've just found a way to tell you they've accepted your new friend's existence? Possibly also that they want to (subconsciously) assert their... hmm, that's not quite how I mean it. They're used to being priority 1 with you, so maybe they presume that what's yours is also theirs? So it's less that they want to accept a big new figure in their lives, more that they have FOMO? Trying to think about how I felt as a wee one being introduced to girlfriends of my Dad's, I genuinely remember meeting one dippy redhead and thinking, what is he playing at? She's not at all right. I was... 6? My mum died when I was 4, for context. I'm not passing judgement on the adults in my life, either way - it was what it was and I was surrounded by people who loved me. I guess what I'm rooting around for is, perhaps they've worked through their initial blowout over his existence (and I do think they've had things said to them that have caused them alarm, but your handling of it has ultimately trumped the initial shock) and recalibrated, and this is just them broadcasting their new state of balance. I dunno. But I do read your posts and think I ought to take notes on your methods, you're doing a stellar job.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 14/02/2022 17:04

Your mum and her presents!
She is a master at the underhand-stab.

You would qualify for our families annual award (worst present most gracefully received).

Presents from you to her in future:
-obviously, she loves cleaning products. Perhaps you could make a point of noticing some small less than perfectly clean item/point in her home and buy a product especially for that? (The Swiss sell a lovely tool for cleaning out the overflow drains on sinks... a much overlooked piece of hygeine it seems.)

-donations to charities she has not yet learned to love? (One protecting spiders perhaps... or feckless foreigners... or children escaping parental abuse?)

StuckInPollyannaMode · 14/02/2022 18:20

Happy bloody Valentines Day folks.

Welcome to a pity party for one.

DD1 tested positive for Covid yesterday morning. I was negative. Westley has a big week coming up and then travel so dashed off to minimise the risk of infection. Which I totally get, but god, I didn’t half cry.

Then at lunchtime I started coughing. And feeling miserable.

This morning I tested positive. The only symptom I haven’t got is loss of appetite, I’ve eaten for England today.

Geller is keeping the girls, they’re melting down, I feel like shit and can’t catch my breath, Westley is being super supportive but for gods sake I just wanted ONE Valentine’s Day to look forward to and he’s got his presents cos I gave them to him yesterday and he hasn’t so much as sent me a card.

And this morning I tested positive and I’m just hot and coughing and poorly and tearful and do I tell him I am disappointed about no card? He’s never given me flowers. I was so hopeful. I’m 42 and I just wanted to be a bit appreciated.

I recognise I am not entirely rational right now. Thank god for the vaccines, because if I’m this bad with three, I’d be on the floor without.

It’s entirely irrational to hope that he’ll drop something off on my doorstep, right?

OP posts: