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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 01/02/2022 11:55

Well done Polly, I think that @RuthTopp's suggestion was on the nail, simple, matter of fact and letting them know they can ask questions if they have any, the comment about plenty of love was great too, reassuring them that they still come first in your affections. It's all children want isn't it, to feel secure in the love their parents have for them, makes them feel safe and grounded.

diddl · 01/02/2022 12:29

@RandomMess

To me "get it round your neck" reminds me of the bible and the phrase "to have a millstone around your neck" which is a BAD thing.
Yes I would have related it to that.

That something is a burden/worry.

Or that you can't "get your head around it"-maybe it's a variation of that?

OhFuckBloodyHell · 01/02/2022 22:29

Oh, Polly I'm glad they seem not too bothered. That 'friend' would not be getting a Christmas Card or being pissed on if they were on fire

@EngimaticDisappearance at the risk of outing myself to you Shock yes, East Midlands would be right, I think. And I'm. From the west country, never heard anyone down here say it, so wonder if it cam from your DM via Yorkshire??

OhFuckBloodyHell · 01/02/2022 22:30

Good lord, the typos Blush

If you close one eye and squint that post might make sense...

Justilou1 · 01/02/2022 23:15

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver - The “Don’t know him/her from a bar of soap” phrase is very common here in Australia. Might be a Southern Hemisphere thing!

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 02/02/2022 08:08

@Justilou1 - I use that phrase a lot. It’s alive and well in the Northern Hemisphere!

Well done @StuckInPollyannaMode. I’ve not posted much but follow you quietly… I’m going through similar but am probably a ‘few’ years older than you. You Go Girl.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 02/02/2022 08:30

@Justilou1 - I don't remember Australian friends using that expression, but I do remember my South African boss saying it!
@ByeByeMissAmericanPie - interesting. I'm the only English person I know who uses it, and I've been living abroad for so long I think I probably picked it up from people from the Southern Hemisphere!

frazzledasarock · 02/02/2022 09:19

Good job Polly.

My experience with (my own) kids is you don't lie to them, they tend to be very astute, and lying to kids tends to cause fractures in your relationship with them, as they feel they can't trust you.

You have nothing to worry about, or be upset over, you're in a healthy adult relationship, and frankly your 'friends' need to keep their beaks out.
any chance you can freeze these friends out and demote them to acquaintances?

I think your girls will benefit from seeing their mum happy and going on to model a healthy happy relationship, eventually.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 03/02/2022 06:18

DD1 has spent the last 24 hours having meltdowns. DD2 has been extremely emotional.

Both of them have been in my bed all night clinging onto me.

Looks like it didn’t go as well as I thought it did.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/02/2022 07:15

They will be ok.

Sure it's coming out but you are there with them supporting and loving. Give them time, they will be ok Thanks

Mix56 · 03/02/2022 07:17

It could be a whole amalgamations of other things too... When did they last see G ? Has he been talking about schools/OW/ ?
Dont start feeling any kind if guilt or regret, they will adapt, you will reassure them that they are your priority, Westley is a good friend, & grown ups also need support & friendship, everyone grows, everyone evolves...

Pashazade · 03/02/2022 08:09

Big hugs Polly, that's rough. But it's their way of processing big/new stuff that can seem really scary at that age. Hold your line remind them how much you love them. They're going to be fine, sadly it just means you're in for a rough few nights. Their landscape has shifted but once they realise this news isn't affecting their day to day existence I'm sure things will calm down.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 03/02/2022 08:25

I have no words of wisdom to add to those above, I'm afraid.
Being slightly Machiavellian, I might be inclined to tell them not to worry, Geller has also got a special lady friend now which is why you felt able to have a special male friend of your own. But I know you can't do that as it would be terribly unfair (on them, not Geller, for the sake of clarity).

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/02/2022 11:33

If it helps at all, my adult daughter had a meltdown on the day of our FDR - she said she'd been secretly hoping that we would get back together and realised that definitely wasn't going to happen (we'd been separated 3 years by then!) so I think it's bound to take a while to process everything and make sense of their new reality.

I do wonder if they've picked up something from Gellar too. Maybe they realise you've both moved on, so to speak. New house on the horizon, thinking about going up to "big" school... they know they have a lot of changes coming up so it's bound to be unsettling. But the've got you and you've got their backs and they will be OK.

RobertsRadio · 03/02/2022 12:08

I agree that this is about processing the information about you having a boyfriend, not getting back with Gellar and new house etc. They just need to let it all out and they know they can with you, you are their safe zone. Once they have got it all out and maybe asked you for more details, they will calm down and start to accept the changes and realise it's nothing to be afraid of, that Gellar is still their Dad and you are not going to be moving in a new man.

frazzledasarock · 03/02/2022 12:50

I'm not sure about your girls, but mine would be upset and discombobulated after contact with ex anyway. And then if more information had been piled on to them, in a less than sympathetic manner, they would have reacted similarly.

My eldest would certainly have had a melt down, she didn't want anyone taking her mummy away form her.

It settled down once I introduced DH to my girls, helped he's a big kid and loves jaffacakes as much as they do! They bonded over jaffacakes and my eldest's really heartfelt desire for a nice daddy, I've been with DH for eight years now and they love him and were delighted when I had my younger DC, my eldest declared it made DH her real dad now as her sibling was her blood too.

This too shall pass.

Mix56 · 03/02/2022 14:57

Oh, did this EX friend, tell the Dollies you were out with another man ? If so I would slash her tires give her both barrels

LookItsMeAgain · 03/02/2022 15:12

I'd be wondering if the 'friend' said something to the Dollies too and in a not-so-child-friendly way which completely knocked them for 6 when you also essentially confirmed that Mum and Dad are not getting back together again.

Sounds like someone has been trickling poison in their ears and when you said what you said (which wasn't the wrong thing to do, by the way) their idyllic worlds started to crumble to them.

It'll pass.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2022 17:59

I don't have enough bad words so say about this 'so called friend' who took it upon herself to share adult information with children. WTF is wrong with her, has she no judgement or common sense whatsoever? She'd definitely be on my EX-friend list now.

I think, just as you have had moments of meltdown in getting adjusted to things, so will they. And as you have, they will adjust in their own time. All you can do is cuddle and reassure them that they are your number one priority and that nothing will change that.

Are these meltdowns specifically about Westley or just 'life in general'? I ask because if they seem to be 'Westley-specific' I'd be wondering exactly what they were told and are not telling you. And I'd suspect whatever it was was put in a negative way. I'd listen carefully to see if what they're saying can be interpreted in any way as if they have been told "You will soon have a new daddy" or "Mummy has a new boyfriend and she loves him best". Not those exact words, of course, but even children pick up on 'inferences'.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/02/2022 07:28

I wonder if the meltdowns are due to it being near end of term and the tiredness of that and not to mention this is the longest time they have been in school in the last two years.

I would just keep answering their questions and letting them know that they are the most important people in your life, but as an adult you are allowed to other adult relationships and that does not change your relationship with them.

And if Geller says anything let him know in no uncertain terms that you will let them no about his 'friend'.

billy1966 · 04/02/2022 08:02

I too wonder how this awful woman framed what she said.

She sounds so awful.

I would be gently prying what EXACTLY was said.

It certainly wasn't her place and it was completely unnecessary.

It is the actions of a troublemaker.

She could VERY easily asked her kids not to say a word.

I wouldn't want her near me or my children.

She is poison.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2022 16:30

@billy1966

I too wonder how this awful woman framed what she said.

She sounds so awful.

I would be gently prying what EXACTLY was said.

It certainly wasn't her place and it was completely unnecessary.

It is the actions of a troublemaker.

She could VERY easily asked her kids not to say a word.

I wouldn't want her near me or my children.

She is poison.

Exactly!

Anything that her own children might have seen and then 'reported' to her should have been met with a shrug and "I don't know, probably just a friend. But it's none of our business". If the Dollies asked her anything this woman should have said "I don't know, dear, you'll need to ask your mummy". And if she saw something herself it's absolutely unbelievable that any rational-not-shit-stirring person would say anything to a child. She was either relishing telling them or she was probing with "I/DC saw your mummy with a man the other day, who is he?".

billy1966 · 04/02/2022 17:21

"Anything that her own children might have seen and then 'reported' to her should have been met with a shrug and "I don't know, probably just a friend. But it's none of our business". If the Dollies asked her anything this woman should have said "I don't know, dear, you'll need to ask your mummy". And if she saw something herself it's absolutely unbelievable that any rational-not-shit-stirring person would say anything to a child. She was either relishing telling them or she was probing with "I/DC saw your mummy with a man the other day, who is he?".

Exactly...right back at you @AcrossthePond55

She is a Class A bitch, but that has already been established.

I would want to know what she said and I would most certainly be telling mutual friends what a shit stirring cow she is.

Her actions were so unkind.

Normally I wouldn't dream of doing this, but someone prepared to hurt my children and cause them upset would get the nuclear option from me.

Doubleraspberry · 04/02/2022 17:54

Delurking to say how happy I am at all the good things that are happening for you, @StuckInPollyannaMode. I've followed your threads and been cheering you on from the sidelines.

Just wondering whether it might have been the ex-friend's child who did the telling, if they were with them? As the questions about kissing etc sound very much like what a child might say to another. (Obviously the child might be 25 in which case this theory is null and void.) The friends are obviously tossers regardless of course.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2022 18:22

@billy1966

I agree, I'd want to know exactly what she said too, and then I'd pack her off with a large flea in her ear.

But I expect Polly is taking the 'high road' and just leaving it be. She's most likely right. Someone like that would probably stir even more shit if Polly gave her 'what for'.