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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/01/2022 09:34

Justilou1 I can't think of a Dutch colloquial phrase that could be the source of 'got it round my neck' - sorry!

prettybird · 30/01/2022 09:54

"To get it in the neck" is a common Scottish expression Wink

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 30/01/2022 10:25

@prettybird

"To get it in the neck" is a common Scottish expression Wink
Not just Scottish!
Justilou1 · 30/01/2022 11:14

“Get it in the neck” is used here also too, but thanks! (Lots of Scottish history here!)

FantasticButtocks · 31/01/2022 10:00

The choice of school needs to be about what each individual child needs, what is in the best interest of that child. It is not about what would be most convenient for Geller!!

Dickhead indeed!

comfortablyfrumpy · 31/01/2022 12:18

@FantasticButtocks

The choice of school needs to be about what each individual child needs, what is in the best interest of that child. It is not about what would be most convenient for Geller!!

Dickhead indeed!

Totally agree.

Stick to your guns Polly!

OhFuckBloodyHell · 31/01/2022 23:32

I've only ever heard one person say 'got it round my neck' (I'm British) she was from the Midlands.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2022 05:34

Loving the language discussion! I’ve not heard that expression before.

I would value your advice once again, amigos.

Westley and I went out for lunch on Saturday. Sitting there having a natter when I suddenly realise I’m being stared at - by the daughter of very good friends. Yes, THOSE friends (yes, she has apologised and no, I’ve not been telling her anything ever since). So I smile and wave and have a massive panic that my two are also in the restaurant because the Dollies had said they were having lunch together at the weekend. They’re not, but I go over and say hi to my friends then they come back over and meet Westley and we all have a chat for five minutes then they go. And we have a lovely lunch and the day carries on.

The Dollies saw those friends on Sunday and something has clearly been said. And in quite some level of detail - I’m getting all sorts of questions about kissing and holding hands - I even asked Westley whether we had as I’m second guessing myself so much. And he said yes, we were holding hands and we did have a quick kiss (peck not full on snog!) and he put his arm round me at one point.

I’m turning myself in knots. Do I tell the Dollies? I hate lying to them. I said to Westley that even if they know about him it doesn’t mean they’re meeting him yet.

But do I just say yes, mummy is seeing someone and when the time is right and if I think it’s a good idea they can meet him?

Or do I do as my friend tried and failed to do, convince them that it was a work meeting?!

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 01/02/2022 05:55

Argh, how annoying! It just had to be those friends didn’t it?
I think honesty is probably the best policy - you hate lying to them anyway, and your friend failed at the other, so it seems the best option for your relationship with them. Give them an age-appropriate version and let them ask questions. It’ll be better for you to control the narrative rather than them getting some twisted version from Geller, but you’ll probably have to deal with questions from him after they inevitably say something at his. Remember you’ve not done anything wrong, and he’s already been spouting off about his new relationship while you’ve been discreet, so he has no moral high ground from which to try and berate you.

Flutterflybutterby · 01/02/2022 06:38

Just want to jump in here and say that every now and then I rediscover your threads, and spend a long time reading your updates! I love them! It's like reading a good book or speaking with a good friend. Please post updates forever Grin

2DogsOnMySofa · 01/02/2022 07:15

I agree with @Sunbird24 be up front and honest, you're seeing someone, you like him and enjoy spending time with him. You will introduce him to them when you think it's appropriate' I also think if you do this you control the narrative, so when Gellar comes along, spouting his take into the world, the Dollies already know and have had a sensible conversation with you and nothing comes as a surprise to them.

SortingItOut · 01/02/2022 07:22

I agree with honesty is the best policy in an age appropriate way

I'm not sure I'd say that they're not meeting him yet as that implies they will in the future and the Dollies won't know if thats 1 week, 1 month or 1 year.
Unless you can give a definite time don't say anything about meeting them otherwise they might keep bringing it up.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 07:36

Yes to the Dollies. Do they know about Gellars unfortunate new victim? If not I think it's to mention that you and Daddy are both dating which means going out for dinner and getting to know people better and having a kiss. Something along those lines.

They may be upset as it means very clearly you are not getting back together even if that isn't something they want they make feel conflicted over it.

Pashazade · 01/02/2022 07:53

Agree with everyone else. Tell them, be honest, no need for lots of details just you have a friend who you see sometimes when they're with Gellar. As Random says you may get a big response if they had been holding onto the idea of you and Gellar getting back together, just be gentle with them. Sadly, given you seem to live in a fairly small community this was always a possible occurrence, but get in there with your explanation and reassurances before Gellar gets to say anything!

Justilou1 · 01/02/2022 07:56

Yes… agree. You have met a lovely man, and if one day you think it’s appropriate they’ll meet him. Don’t get drawn into when or answering questions about it. Just say that it’s far too soon to be answering questions or thinking about things like that because you and the Dollies have more important things to focus on, like decorating their bedrooms, etc…

billy1966 · 01/02/2022 08:01

I would be seriously unimpressed with that person, she seriously is No friend.

Simply, low key honesty that you have a new friend and perhaps some time in the future you will meet.

Good time to mention Geller has a new friend too.

Flowers
RuthTopp · 01/02/2022 08:36

Rather than over inform , just say " I was out with a friend called Westley , and saw xxx at the same restaurant , is there anything you want to ask me about it ? "

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 01/02/2022 08:41

@OhFuckBloodyHell

I've only ever heard one person say 'got it round my neck' (I'm British) she was from the Midlands.
Gosh, a new linguistic clue, how interesting! @EngimaticDisappearance, has your family anything to do with the Midlands, perhaps? Another expression I think is unusual and possibly of South African origin is: "I don't know her/him from a bar of soap." Anyone else know this one?

Sorry for the digression @StuckInPollyannaMode. To your latest question, I agree with others that you should tell the Dollies about your new friendship directly, before Geller gets his distorting mitts on the story. I am also interested to know if they know about the new woman in his life, because that would surely affect their take on things?

StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2022 08:57

Thanks all! So after some more questions this morning I took a deep breath and I went along the lines of what @RuthTopp suggested.

They didn’t seem surprised and I got a couple of questions. I suspect what will happen now is they will cogitate and I’ll get more questions in a few days.

I feel so much better for them knowing. I just said he’s a friend called Westley, we’re having a lovely time getting to know each other. Then we all had a hug and I told them there’s plenty of love to go around, they’re my number ones and why don’t we play Outsmarted tonight and have carbonara.

Job done. I haven’t mentioned Geller dating, that’s not my place, but I’m sure as hell not going to lie to them if they ask.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2022 08:58

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver great username! And no, he hasn’t told them. Apparently not on the table to do so. I was hoping he would do so first then they would get all their angst out on him but was not to be.

OP posts:
EngimaticDisappearance · 01/02/2022 09:08

@OhFuckBloodyHell YY to being in the (East) Midlands, and now reasonably worried I know you in real life...

But "I have it round my neck" to mean getting things wrong/muddled is an expression from my parents - DF from the West country through and through, and DM from Essex via North Yorkshire (though interestingly she has Greek heritage so possibly an expression that got passed down).

My South African DH has never heard the expression.

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 09:16

TBF they would still bring all their angst to you!

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 01/02/2022 09:27

@EngimaticDisappearance - unfortunately, my Greek mother-in-law is very late, so I can't enquire further as to where she learned the expression "to get it round your neck", meaning to be confused. We distorted it in our family when my brother kindly taught her the expression: "Down your neck" (meaning "Cheers!") and it of course became "Round your neck".
Does your South African husband know anyone from a bar of soap?

RandomMess · 01/02/2022 10:00

To me "get it round your neck" reminds me of the bible and the phrase "to have a millstone around your neck" which is a BAD thing.

RuthTopp · 01/02/2022 11:28

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Glad to be of help. Putting it to them in that way gives them time to process it at their pace , and ask the questions when ready .

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