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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2022 17:56

You could turn the tables on him about schooling - "so you will have to reduce contact time if the go to the best school for their education?"

Does this mean scholarships and bursaries are out for your more able DD as well?

getsomehelp · 28/01/2022 20:22

I agree that you go for the best school possible, but, is it a good idea to separate them? doesn't that risk rivalry
& possible disaccord ?

Newestname002 · 28/01/2022 21:00

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Oh - and this will amuse you. My mother has sent me a thank you email for the thank you note that the Dollies and I wrote thanking her for the Christmas presents. She seems not to have picked up on the deeply underlying sarcasm and is delighted to have bought me something so useful and practical. I've a horrible feeling I've painted myself into a corner...

I wonder if she HAS picked up on it and has fired off a quiet salvo and is likely to ensure future gifts to you are in the same vein? 🌹

RandomMess · 28/01/2022 21:11

I think splitting them can be very beneficial who wants the constant comparison to their sibling that consistently achieves higher with less effort?

Gives them opportunity to make their own friends and life and have each other at home.

frazzledasarock · 29/01/2022 07:40

I’ve got twin sisters on our family. And on moving up to secondary school they both chose to go to different schools.

They are both very different with different interests and strengths and hated the constant comparison especially the sister with interests in a less conventional academic pathway. They’re both in their first year at university now and I think going to different secondary schools has helped them immensely, they both thrived.

I would go for whatever is best for the girls.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/01/2022 08:06

@frazzledasarock

I’ve got twin sisters on our family. And on moving up to secondary school they both chose to go to different schools.

They are both very different with different interests and strengths and hated the constant comparison especially the sister with interests in a less conventional academic pathway. They’re both in their first year at university now and I think going to different secondary schools has helped them immensely, they both thrived.

I would go for whatever is best for the girls.

This 100%.

You know your girls are individuals, and that you have to do what is best for them.

They are both capable, DD1 more so than DD2. It will be far better for DD2 self esteem to be in the top range of classes rather then struggling to be equal with DD1 in the grammar school.

You may even find that the girls develop much more independent and confidence by being at different schools because they are no longer seen as 'the twins' but as their own self.

Justilou1 · 29/01/2022 08:42

That’s codswallop. I have twins and one was kept back for six months. That reinforced the comparisons and made everything worse. High schools are big enough that the girls can be kept in separate classes and have their own lives and interests nurtured at the same school.

tribpot · 29/01/2022 09:07

heard allllll about his new lady (it’s so refreshing to be with someone sensible, apparently)

I honestly would just lean in to this breathtaking passive-aggression and just say things like 'oh I am so relieved for you - at long last the nightmare's over'. As if you really were his best mate and not the ex-wife he is throwing shade at.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 29/01/2022 09:47

Hello, @StuckInPollyannaMode, I've been lurking for a little bit and am glad to see that things are going so well for you now. I haven't had much to say, but wanted to comment about secondary schools, particularly:

"When I suggested we should put DD1 forward for the top grammar, which is about 15 miles away, he refused on the grounds that he won’t be able to work a full working day if he has to do the school run that far. Oh, and they should both go to the same school for that reason. So, says I, are you saying that even if one gets into grammar and the other doesn’t that they should give up the chance to go to grammar and go to the local comp instead?"

I assume the Dollies will at least be aged 11 when they go to secondary school. It occurs to me - will there still need to be a school run by car, or will they not be able to get to and from school using public transport or a school bus system? Forgive me, I've probably got it round my neck, as I've lived abroad for over 30 years now and have had nothing to do with English schools since I was at school in the Sixties, when I walked 20 minutes from home to the nearest station, took a train for 20 minutes, and then walked another 20 minutes to get to school (RC grammar, hence so far to travel) and did the same journey in reverse daily, so I have no idea whether it would even be possible for your girls from where you live. Just a thought, anyway.
I also agree that it might be good to separate the twins if it works out that way, particularly from the point of view of their being measured against each other. It may also depend on what they think about it?

RobertsRadio · 29/01/2022 10:08

@tribpot

heard allllll about his new lady (it’s so refreshing to be with someone sensible, apparently)

I honestly would just lean in to this breathtaking passive-aggression and just say things like 'oh I am so relieved for you - at long last the nightmare's over'. As if you really were his best mate and not the ex-wife he is throwing shade at.

I really like this idea, it will either completely go over his head or totally confuse him 😀.
Newestname002 · 29/01/2022 10:43

@StuckInPollyannaMode

He now appears to be my new best friend. I heard allllll about his new lady (it’s so refreshing to be with someone sensible, apparently) and he was positively jovial. Got a lot of stuff agreed date wise and in the holidays and so on, and things planned for the Dollies birthday.

Also what a shame he wasn't in a good enough mood, at this stage, to sign off on the financial agreement? 🌹

pointythings · 29/01/2022 12:41

jconnais completely off topic but I just love your name. Are you the same poster who used to be jaichangecentfoisdenom?

Saperlipopette · 29/01/2022 13:04

Foiled again, @pointythings - indeed, 'twas I, Jaichangecentfoisdenom and Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver. Do you have a French Connection, too?

pointythings · 29/01/2022 13:15

Saperlipopette no, I have a Dutch connection but I'm fluent in French and German too. You know us cloggies, we always have to know what people are saying about us.

Saperlipopette · 29/01/2022 13:23

I get that, @pointythings - I've never known someone who wasn't Dutch actually speak Dutch! It is so difficult to learn, especially for those of us who don't speak German, I think!
I may have to go away and pop up under another name, now!

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2022 13:56

I heard allllll about his new lady (it’s so refreshing to be with someone sensible, apparently) and he was positively jovial.

In other words, she's doing her own version of the 'new girlfriend dance' and agreeing with everything he says in order to keep him on the hook. And he's probably being 'Mr Rationally Agreeable' to her for the same reason. I think both are in for a HUGE awakening.

EngimaticDisappearance · 29/01/2022 18:28

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver

Hello, *@StuckInPollyannaMode*, I've been lurking for a little bit and am glad to see that things are going so well for you now. I haven't had much to say, but wanted to comment about secondary schools, particularly:

"When I suggested we should put DD1 forward for the top grammar, which is about 15 miles away, he refused on the grounds that he won’t be able to work a full working day if he has to do the school run that far. Oh, and they should both go to the same school for that reason. So, says I, are you saying that even if one gets into grammar and the other doesn’t that they should give up the chance to go to grammar and go to the local comp instead?"

I assume the Dollies will at least be aged 11 when they go to secondary school. It occurs to me - will there still need to be a school run by car, or will they not be able to get to and from school using public transport or a school bus system? Forgive me, I've probably got it round my neck, as I've lived abroad for over 30 years now and have had nothing to do with English schools since I was at school in the Sixties, when I walked 20 minutes from home to the nearest station, took a train for 20 minutes, and then walked another 20 minutes to get to school (RC grammar, hence so far to travel) and did the same journey in reverse daily, so I have no idea whether it would even be possible for your girls from where you live. Just a thought, anyway.
I also agree that it might be good to separate the twins if it works out that way, particularly from the point of view of their being measured against each other. It may also depend on what they think about it?

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver This is an odd message so apologies. The expression "got it around my neck" is one I have only only ever heard my family say, to the extent I tease them about making it up! I'm confident from the rest of your post that we're not related, but what part of the uk do you come from? I've been trying to find etymology of this expression for years and was convinced it wasn't a real expression and my parents had "got it round their necks"!
Saperlipopette · 29/01/2022 19:04

@EngimaticDisappearance - I picked it up some 30 years ago from my Greek mother-in-law, who is the only person I've ever heard use it. I thought she had learned it in her turn from a South African lady who taught my husband English when he was very young. My husband can't remember that, though, so I may well be wrong. I'm a Londoner myself, but have definitely never heard it used in England.

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 19:27

@RandomMess

I think splitting them can be very beneficial who wants the constant comparison to their sibling that consistently achieves higher with less effort?

Gives them opportunity to make their own friends and life and have each other at home.

This. If there is a big chasm in their ability, being together could be very tedious indeed....especially if she is a sensitive child.

My unbelievably high achieving year younger cousin attended the academic school I went to.

A more sensitive child that me might have taken personally the teachers suprise at our close association!🙄🤣

Delighted with your house news.Flowers

RandomMess · 29/01/2022 19:29

The secondary school teachers were shocked to find out our middle two are sisters. Fortunately it is the academic teachers pet following the older rebel. Look of confusion on most of the teacher faces was a sight to behold at parents evening.

RandomMess · 29/01/2022 19:33

Oh and then the youngest went to a different secondary school and not following after brain box was a significant factor. I spent my life at school being my older brothers sister and the prejudice that came with it, not fun.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 29/01/2022 19:45

@EngimaticDisappearance - sorry for any confusion, I had changed to Saperlipopette to answer someone else and forgot to change back.

pointythings · 29/01/2022 19:47

My two are two years apart, both extremely academic - but DD2 absolutely did suffer from the comparison because she was expected to be just like her sister. She wasn't - her academic strengths lay in different areas altogether.

RandomMess · 29/01/2022 20:18

I don't think I'll enlighten the 6th form the youngest goes to that she is related to my eldest. Again rebel at risk of being kicked out following hard working dedicated A student - fortunately they have different surnames 🤣

Justilou1 · 30/01/2022 04:22

@Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver & @EngimaticDisappearance, You have stirred up a long-running conundrum… I also use the phrase “got it round my neck”, and I have no idea where I picked it up from. I’m Australian. I was wondering if maybe I somehow absorbed this while living in Austria or the Netherlands, but my language skills were far from fluent. Perhaps my Dutch next door neighbours who were almost like grandparents when I was growing up here, maybe? It’s absolutely not a common-use phrase here in Aus, and I get called on it all the time.

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