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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
Lunde · 06/01/2022 10:25

Gosh your Mum and your brother are trying really hard to push you back in the box they've allocated to you - aren't they?

You need to reduce or cut contact with them. Grey rock. Refuse to tell them, or discuss anything about your personal or work life

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/01/2022 11:17

“Be reasonable” gives me SO MUCH RAGE

No I won’t make your life more comfortable or you feel better by doing something that isn’t right for me. What about ME and what I need or does it not matter so much because I am a woman and a mother? FUCK OFF you misogynistic twat back to our mother who apparently you’re a clone of.

Sorry

That was cathartic mind you!

I think we’ll need a few more hints about MNM before we can help with a nickname!

RandomMess · 06/01/2022 11:41

There version of "be reasonable" is roll over and be a downtrodden woman that sacrificed everything for her useless H to earn more and more and hide it all whilst counting the pennies.

The don't care about your or the Dollies welfare at all do they?

TBH I think it's time to tell Gellar you're going to court.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 06/01/2022 11:53

Absolute cheek of them! You would think that if they can't put your best interests to the forefront of their minds they would at least want to best for the dollies but apparently not O_o

BeenThereDoneThatBetterForIt · 06/01/2022 12:02

NC for this, just in case anyone here knows my other names IRL.

Oh Polly. We've had our share of dramas and my MIL's toxic behaviour was nearly was the cause of us breaking up when the DC were small because of her damaging physical and emotional abusive behaviours towards us and our DC. I won't say more than that, but it was awful. She is a bitter woman who has used her 'unfair life', as she puts it, as an excuse to behave exactly as she likes with no one (apart from us, eventually, when we were driven to it) ever standing up to her. Or, worse, feeling sorry for her because they didn't know the inside story.

But the upshot was we went very low contact from a point at which she physically chastised our youngest DC to the point I had to seek outside help to deal with DC's traumatic response to it. And that took a year to resolve. Luckily distance helped us, but it was strictly communication by phone or post from them on (and it had been a long time coming, just like your situation with your M and B (I can't call them DM or DB as they don't deserve to be anyone's Dear or Darling anythings after the way they've treated you Angry) has been a long time coming too.

10 years later, we know it was the right thing to do to put right the damage done to our DC, and also it ended up saving my DH's sanity, quite literally too. Our DCs have grown up for years now fully removed from the poison MIL brought to our lives when she stayed with us, or we stayed with her and FIL. We have never stayed in their house again if we visit, only a hotel, and visits are short if they are made at all (we don't invite). MIL has never been allowed to darken our door again unless she acknowledges the awful thing she did which was the event that drove us to being so decisive and drastic. But of course, she can't see she has done anything wrong, so that day hasn't come yet (and we know it won't).

It will be tough, Polly, especially when you've been so conditioned to put up and shut up through your life, but you must go low/no contact with your M and B for your sake, and the sake of the Dollies. They don't need that in their lives any more than you do. You will be emotionally blackmailed, as we are, but we've no regrets. With distance comes clarity of vision. Don't let them come to your safe space again. If you feel you must see them, stay in a hotel, stay one night, and leave. If they ask why, don't feel you have to explain. Most importantly, this is their loss, not yours.

Sending strength, Polly. Put yourself and the Dollies first, last and always when dealing with your toxic family because they most certainly won't. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it to have that control back in your life that your M took away.

Mix56 · 06/01/2022 12:33

Oh your sanctimonious cretin of a brother, Grey Rock him is the only way to 1, not let him get a rise out of you , &
2, really piss him off.
He has always been Golden Boy, your mother wouldn't be judgemental & controlling with him would she ... his a Boy !
Your relationship is not & has never been the same with your Mother as his. He can F back off to wherever he lives, & had better remember that he will need to participate in the care needed in the the not too distant future, of his Holy Mother
As for your settlement with G... Why would he encourage you to accept an unfair deal ?
I'd tell him FOTTFSOF.& obviously not invite them ever again

mbosnz · 06/01/2022 12:38

They do not spark joy. Kondo those cheeky fuckers right out of your life, it's all they're worth.

Or alternatively, given how they emulate weeds seeking to strangle the flowers in your life - spray and walk away. . .

RandomMess · 06/01/2022 12:45

When it comes to providing care whether time or money for your parents remember this.

You can do a lovely grey rock "if only I had fought for a better settlement then I would have time and/or money to help but I have neither"

BliainNua · 06/01/2022 12:46

Happy new year Polly!
Sorry you've had a shit start with DM and DB. Deep breaths, it's nearly over. Then go as LC as possible & enjoy your life. Here's to 2022 🥂

ImSoMagical · 06/01/2022 13:02

Wow with family like that?!? New year new start - you don't have to engage with them. Good luck!

billy1966 · 06/01/2022 13:38

Pulling back from your parents and your brother and working on your boundaries with your family would be time well spent.

Leave any future care to wonder boy as you received such a poor settlement and need to work to provide for your children.

Step way back.

I cannot imagine what such odious people add to your children's lives.

RobertsRadio · 06/01/2022 13:43

What a sanctimonious and bossy prig your brother sounds. To stay in your home, drinking your wine and eating your food all the while dictating how you should live your life, run your business and listing all your faults (according to him), is stupendously arrogant. He obviously feels he has the right and is completely entitled to tell you exactly how to live according to the word of God, i.e. him. His arrogance is breathtaking.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2022 14:43

Maybe he could be Mr Nice Man, still to be known as Mr NM. 'Nice' is an under-appreciated adjective, I think, if you consider how many virtues are encompassed when we refer to someone or something as 'nice' (not 'naice'). 'Nice' means comfortable, reliable, honest, and satisfying.

I think with your DM and DB, perhaps this has been the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. We all want to have a loving and good relationship with our family so we try and try again to forgive and overlook. We tell ourselves we can 'deal with their shit and ignore it'. But the time comes when we realize that We.Just.CAN'T put up with it anymore for the sake of our own well-being. When that happens there is nothing wrong with backing way, way off (LC) or even going completely NC.

Your decision to keep your life to yourself is absolutely the right one. No one deserves to know what our life 'is' if they aren't going to add to it in a positive way.

Here's to an emotional 'housecleaning' in 2022.

RobertsRadio · 06/01/2022 19:33

Regarding thinking of another name for Mr New Man, you could perhaps get some inspiration from the current thread asking for the best dog names you've ever heard or just pick something random that takes your fancy.

REignbow · 06/01/2022 20:36

The entitlement and arrogance of your brother is breath taking. How dare he, eat your food, drink your wine and stay in your home and then criticise everything that you do!

You know what @StuckInPollyannaMode your brother (I hate to say it) sounds very much like Geller

Going forward I wouldn’t invite them again, I wouldn’t visit him in fact it would be radio silence from now on. If he initiates contact, just grey rock him and keep any responses simple.

You are doing very well @StuckInPollyannaMode, don’t let these arseholes break down all the self confidence that you have built leaving him. Just think at how insecure they must be, because they cannot let you or the dollies blossom.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 07/01/2022 07:03

They leave today. We actually managed to have a pleasant day yesterday, and I got some sleep last night.

I’ve cancelled my plans for today. I’m going to clean the house, do some yoga, have coffee with a friend then hunker down and chill out. I’m all peopled out.

The dog name thread is hilarious! Thank you for suggesting it. It’s made me realise the perfect nickname for Mr New Man - Westley. Inspired by Westley in The Princess Bride, if any of you have seen it.

Now there’s a good shout for the perfect film to watch tonight! As you wish.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 07/01/2022 07:22

Woohoo they’re leaving soon.

I love the Princess Bride, it’s my happy place book, my best friend did a reading from it at my wedding. I wanted her to pick ‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die’ she refused, apparently it wasn’t appropriate for a wedding ceremony in her opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😆

Pashazade · 07/01/2022 08:10

frazzled I think that is my favourite line from a movie ever! Now Westley sounds interesting, the question is do you get to play with the dread pirate Roberts occasionally 😉😁. Glad you've made it through and they're leaving! Have a good day once they're gone.
Oh and randomly new film called Last Train to Christmas on Now/Sky has Cary Elwes in it. (Michael Sheen stars) I so did not realise it was him. It's a bittersweet film but actually quite enjoyed it.

HeyUpits2022 · 07/01/2022 17:48

@frazzledasarock I bought DH the Princess Bride for his birthday because he's forever quoting that line!

@StuckInPollyannaMode I hope you've managed to get some down time - you deserve it.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 07/01/2022 18:25

Without going off on too much of a tangent, Cary Elwes wrote a book (called "As You Wish") about the making of The Princess Bride, very good read.

CraftyYankee · 07/01/2022 19:17

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Without going off on too much of a tangent, Cary Elwes wrote a book (called "As You Wish") about the making of The Princess Bride, very good read.
Even better as an audio book, you hear clips from his interviews Rob Reiner, Billy Crystal and others.

Have fun storming the castle! 😁

pointythings · 07/01/2022 19:32

@frazzledasarock

Woohoo they’re leaving soon.

I love the Princess Bride, it’s my happy place book, my best friend did a reading from it at my wedding. I wanted her to pick ‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die’ she refused, apparently it wasn’t appropriate for a wedding ceremony in her opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ 😆

We love the Princess Bride too. I did a reading at my much loved cousin's wedding and started it off with the 'mawwiage' speech - cooked that up between me and my cousin, no-one but us and my kids knew it was coming.

Westley is perfect for your man.

Now work on zero to low contact with your toxic family. There's a whole world of people out there who will love you for you - you do not owe these blood relatives anything just because of an accident of birth. Make 2022 the year you build a new family for yourself.

I'm doing Dry January too - I do it every year to remember what a tricksy beast alcohol is. It killed my husband and my mother after all, so marking it with a month off feels right to me. We all have our reasons.

comfortablyfrumpy · 11/01/2022 09:02

How is it going, Polly?

Did anyone buy Gellar a pen for Christmas (so he can sign the blinking papers!).

What did DB think of the door mat? Grin

StuckInPollyannaMode · 16/01/2022 09:09

Good morning my lovelies

This update comes to you from London Town, on a whim I have popped up for the weekend to see a very dear friend. We’ve brunched and lunched and shopped and laughed and oh, it’s done me so much good.

Still can’t believe I’ve bought some leather leggings, but that was the wine. Dry January ain’t so dry 😂

Update in a nutshell - I haven’t spoken to my brother or my mother directly since they left. I have posted only twice on the family WhatsApp group, both times just putting a picture up rather than words.

After they went I spent the day cleaning and crying. Went to yoga and saw a friend for coffee, then went home and all of a sudden was just exhausted. Westley messaged and said he’d bring dinner over and why didn’t I go have a nap. Which I did, but then I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s like I was pinned there.

I didn’t get up again til the Sunday. Westley made me soup and brought me tea and I cried and cried and cried. A really good friend came over and I cried on her. It was ridiculous but I just couldn’t stop, nor could I get up.

I woke up on the Sunday and it was over, thank god. Went for a long walk and a pub roast and was back to normal.

I still feel utterly traumatised by the whole thing.

In exciting news, I have put an offer in on a house! This market is weird though. I had a very strong emotional reaction to the house, I can see the Dollies and I being very happy there. It’s a probate sale and was on for an asking price. I was the first to view and I offered at the end of the viewing - a full asking price offer.

That was last Monday, they haven’t received any other offers, the family wanted to let it run for the week and then make a decision. I spoke to the agent on Friday and they are expecting another offer in and will then go to full and final.

But part of me is like what the…? How rude. I did what you asked, I’ve offered asking, so surely you should take the offer? I know it’s a crazy market but seriously?? I’m a good buyer and I’m in rented so can move as quickly as they can.

Anyway. If I have to I will find some more. But I’m desperately hoping they won’t have another offer on Monday and will take mine. That house feels like it’s meant to be ours. But if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

Geller is doing a fine line in woe is me. I had a message the other day saying he feels like he is parenting in isolation.

Ahahahahaha. Welcome to my world, buster.

He has also requested a meeting with me ‘to discuss the girls, and other things.’ Fear not, my friends, due to his extremely busy work diary (he’s under soooo much pressure) he can only offer me a date in two weeks time, but he is happy to host.

It better not be the fucking agreement because I’ll go for the jugular. Still not signed.

My friends are all taking bets as to what it’s about and I am contemplating asking for an agenda. I’m going to his purely because it makes him so uncomfortable to have me in his house it’s a joy to watch.

It’s only because of this meeting I haven’t launched court action. Keeping my powder dry until I know what he wants.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 16/01/2022 09:10

They seemed to like the doormat 🤣

OP posts:
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