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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 30/12/2021 08:48

Hi @StuckInPollyannaMode i fell for my DH pretty much the first time he kissed me. (Actually swooned 😂) a few short weeks later I told him I loved him! I remember the look of shock on his face and thought I had blown it by being too premature. But no. He was just moving at a different pace to me. In a couple of months it will be out 29th anniversary of when we met... and he still teases me for falling in love at first sight...

CliffsofMohair · 30/12/2021 20:05

@RandomMess

No sign of his eldest daughter being invited or part of it? No surprise there!
She’s quite the non-entity in family life isn’t she. Doesn’t seem to feature at all.
StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/12/2021 18:47

I spoke to her in the run up to Christmas and again on Christmas Day.

He’s taking the Dollies to see her the day after tomorrow.

DB et al are now coming. I am EXHAUSTED. Sneaking off to Cornwall for a few days with Mr NM then back to the usual family shit show. Except, this time, it’ll be catered. I’m only cooking one meal. DB is cooking another, we’ve takeout one evening and I’m insisting everyone goes to the pub the night we arrive.

Honestly, couldn’t make this shit up.

May 2022 be happy and healthy for us all. Wishing you all a lovely New Years Eve.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 31/12/2021 19:38

Well I hope the trip to Cornwall fortifies you for your DB visiting! Happy New Year Polly, onwards and upwards.

pointythings · 31/12/2021 19:53

Have a lovely sneaky time off in Cornwall, Polly. 2022 is going to be better!

CliffsofMohair · 31/12/2021 21:27

Test positive Polly.

Monstertrucks · 31/12/2021 21:30

Happy new year dear Polly

RobertsRadio · 01/01/2022 01:21

Happy New Year Polly 🍾🎉.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 01/01/2022 10:14

Happy New Year 🥳 to you and the lovely dollies x

comfortablyfrumpy · 01/01/2022 11:07

Can you not have a dodgy LFT just before your DB is due to arrive?

Have a fantastic time in Cornwall.

Happy New Year Polly. Here's to a fabulous 2022 for you and your Dollies x

ChristmasPlanning · 01/01/2022 13:05

You're doing great with your boundaries Polly! Keep them up

Have a great time away with NM

prettybird · 01/01/2022 13:25

@comfortablyfrumpy

Can you not have a dodgy LFT just before your DB is due to arrive?

Have a fantastic time in Cornwall.

Happy New Year Polly. Here's to a fabulous 2022 for you and your Dollies x

I too was thinking of this Xmas Wink - but only as long as the Dollies are back with you Xmas Grin

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/01/2022 20:27

Feel free to stop off for a fortifying drink on the way home, assuming NM is driving obvs!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2022 15:23

I think I'd go with a D&V bug rather than covid. Then one can be miraculously cured the day they leave (rather than having to isolate for a longer period).

StuckInPollyannaMode · 06/01/2022 05:25

Happy new year, my darlings!

Cornwall was looooooovely - lots of walking and talking and laughing and eating and cuddling and big skies and crashing seas. Feel so much better for it.

Or, felt.

I am struggling. Mum is being very difficult and is pushing all my buttons, so I’m basically staying out of her way. I have stuck to my boundaries but have drunk waaaaaay too much as a distraction. They go home this morning, so at least that element will be easier.

I need wringing out - I’m going to go dry from 9th Jan to 9th Feb.

The big surprise has been my brother. It’s not going well. Just how not well is the surprise. And I don’t know why that is the case, because every single bloody time I hope and expect it will be better but it never is. I’m actually relieved that when I’d mentioned going out to see them I got the brush off because I honestly can’t see me ever going out there again.

On the first night we had a massive argument. Over mum and the way I live my life and apparently the way I present men and relationships to them. Which I’m a bit bemused by, given I was with Geller for 12 years!

So when I tried to argue back because I was getting fed up of being lectured whilst they sat in my house and drank my wine, I was accused of being bolshy and told that I need to toughen up.

It ended with me saying that as far as I was concerned they wouldn’t meet anyone or know anything about my life. And he said fine, that’s the way it should be. And that I should explore my relationship with mum and my need for validation with my therapist. I was like what the heck do you think we talk about? It’s 99% mum.

Yesterday the argument wasn’t even mentioned. Went on a lovely walk but then had a lecture on how I shouldn’t wait to expand the business, how I’m not running it right and what they’d do if they were me.

One more night to go. And then I’m closing the door and moving on and that’s it, they are not coming again. My friends are being brilliantly supportive as is Mr New Man (honestly, I have to find a new nickname for him, it’s been 4 months now), but I’m still the one awake and worrying in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
StuckInPollyannaMode · 06/01/2022 05:27

Oh, and they can’t believe I haven’t got the deal signed yet and what is the issue and why can’t I just be reasonable

FUCK OFFFFFFF

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 06/01/2022 06:47

Its very clear who your brother takes after, I'm glad you can see him for what he is and now you are stronger you can go as low/no contact as you want.
Plus why is he siding with Geller😡

Christmas always brings out the worst in families but it doesn't have to be like that, it sounds like limited contact at Christmas with your parents and no contact with your brother next Christmas is the right thing to do.

Going dry sounds a good plan and you'll feel do much better for it.

TheSandgroper · 06/01/2022 07:50

Hmm. A new name for New Man. I have just looked back at some of your posts. In Australia, we have such a thing as The Quiet Achiever. Someone who just gets on and things get done. Would this cover his qualities, do you think?

RandomMess · 06/01/2022 07:58

So you married and mother and brother and they are absolutely desperate to shove you back in the box of what they want you to be - appeasing trophy wife Angry

I really hope you step back massively from them, I don't see what you are the dollies get from these visits.

Thanks
billy1966 · 06/01/2022 08:04

Polly, HNY.

Who needs enemies with a sibling and mother like that.

Whatever anxiety is keeping you awake is not helped by having such people in your home.

Your brother's comfort level at speaking to you like that is extraordinary.

What a CF prick, in your home.

I really do think you should think discuss the dynamic in your family that makes him feel so comfortable speaking to you like that.

Most people would have cut the legs from under him for even attempting this.

As for your mother, he's been watching her awfulness his whole life.

You need to declutter your life of people like this.

You are never going to achieve the contentment that you so deserve whilst you remain so engaged with such ugly, damaging people.

Flowers
frazzledasarock · 06/01/2022 08:06

God Polly, i think I’d have told them to leave when they first started. You’ve been far more tolerant with your toxic family than I have been with mine.

I’m NC with my family for seven years now and can’t think why the hell I let my frankly horrible mother control me well into my thirties.

Let 2022 be the year you clear out the toxic people from your life. You don’t have to have them over at yours and feed and water them whilst they abuse you.
You don’t need their negativity in your life.
Go as LC as you can, you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

ChristmasPlanning · 06/01/2022 08:22

Your brother and mother do not have your best interests at heart.

The cheek of them telling you how to live your life!

Newestname002 · 06/01/2022 08:26

My word, your brother didn't fall far from the tree your mum grew did he? Plus interfering, arrogant and mansplaining! I can see why he gets in with Geller...

I really hope you can go very very low contact with all these emotional vampires from this year onwards. 🌹

Pashazade · 06/01/2022 08:34

Wow, so only a few more hours and you'll be free. Very LC is your best way forward for sure. Just keep swimming! Also to remind you that you have got this and you're doing it all in the way that works for you, a new you that obviously your family struggles to deal with, but we all like her! Grin

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 06/01/2022 09:53

@ChristmasPlanning

Your brother and mother do not have your best interests at heart.

The cheek of them telling you how to live your life!

This exactly! And in your own home, too!! CFs