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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 16/01/2022 11:29

Polly it sounds like you have the upper hand here Grin
Good luck with the house.
Westley sounds a keeper:)
Enjoy London, leather leggings an' all!

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2022 11:42

Good luck with the house!

Geller is so odd, why does he think you give a shit about anything he has to say?

You’re very patient, I’d have instructed my lawyer to go for the jugular and the pension and everything.
I’m so far from being a calm zen patient person though!

sixpencenonethepoorer · 16/01/2022 15:43

@StuckInPollyannaMode

Good morning my lovelies

This update comes to you from London Town, on a whim I have popped up for the weekend to see a very dear friend. We’ve brunched and lunched and shopped and laughed and oh, it’s done me so much good.

Still can’t believe I’ve bought some leather leggings, but that was the wine. Dry January ain’t so dry 😂

Update in a nutshell - I haven’t spoken to my brother or my mother directly since they left. I have posted only twice on the family WhatsApp group, both times just putting a picture up rather than words.

After they went I spent the day cleaning and crying. Went to yoga and saw a friend for coffee, then went home and all of a sudden was just exhausted. Westley messaged and said he’d bring dinner over and why didn’t I go have a nap. Which I did, but then I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s like I was pinned there.

I didn’t get up again til the Sunday. Westley made me soup and brought me tea and I cried and cried and cried. A really good friend came over and I cried on her. It was ridiculous but I just couldn’t stop, nor could I get up.

I woke up on the Sunday and it was over, thank god. Went for a long walk and a pub roast and was back to normal.

I still feel utterly traumatised by the whole thing.

In exciting news, I have put an offer in on a house! This market is weird though. I had a very strong emotional reaction to the house, I can see the Dollies and I being very happy there. It’s a probate sale and was on for an asking price. I was the first to view and I offered at the end of the viewing - a full asking price offer.

That was last Monday, they haven’t received any other offers, the family wanted to let it run for the week and then make a decision. I spoke to the agent on Friday and they are expecting another offer in and will then go to full and final.

But part of me is like what the…? How rude. I did what you asked, I’ve offered asking, so surely you should take the offer? I know it’s a crazy market but seriously?? I’m a good buyer and I’m in rented so can move as quickly as they can.

Anyway. If I have to I will find some more. But I’m desperately hoping they won’t have another offer on Monday and will take mine. That house feels like it’s meant to be ours. But if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

Geller is doing a fine line in woe is me. I had a message the other day saying he feels like he is parenting in isolation.

Ahahahahaha. Welcome to my world, buster.

He has also requested a meeting with me ‘to discuss the girls, and other things.’ Fear not, my friends, due to his extremely busy work diary (he’s under soooo much pressure) he can only offer me a date in two weeks time, but he is happy to host.

It better not be the fucking agreement because I’ll go for the jugular. Still not signed.

My friends are all taking bets as to what it’s about and I am contemplating asking for an agenda. I’m going to his purely because it makes him so uncomfortable to have me in his house it’s a joy to watch.

It’s only because of this meeting I haven’t launched court action. Keeping my powder dry until I know what he wants.

It's the 'to discuss the girls "and other things" which gets me. He hasn't told you what it is, so you can't prepare. He can though! It's classic controlling behaviour.

@StuckInPollyannaMode no one can tell you what to do (and nor should they), but you don't have to go of course.

In some ways it's helpful when they do this nonsense. Reminds you of all the reasons you wanted it to be over!
Thanks

HeyUpits2022 · 16/01/2022 15:49

Fingers crossed for the house! Hope you hear something soon.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 16/01/2022 15:52

@StuckInPollyannaMode

They seemed to like the doormat 🤣
They would.

I'd cancel on Geller with about an hour/2 notice - sorry, something has come up - can't make it - can you just email me with YOUR issues? or alternatively tell him to go through your solicitor it will cost him £££ so might be worth it

Who has the girls that night anyway? if things get "heated" him not you, as you are now a calm, rational adult YOU really don't want them to witness his behaviour 🤬

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/01/2022 16:49

I'll put money on the settlement being part of the 'and other things' just make sure you are steadfast as I'm sure he will try and put you on the wrong foot.

To be honest if its anything other than the girls or settlement he wants to discuss I would make a point that you won't be discussing anything with him until he signs the bloody paperwork!

RandomMess · 16/01/2022 17:09

Hmmmm absolutely ask for agenda.

"As you have clearly been thinking about things for some time and I can only meet for an hour then I need an agenda so we can ensure urgent matters are dealt with in the allotted time"

It would make him squirm and he would look an arse if he doesn't send anything.

Regarding your emotional reaction I'm not surprised; their behaviour was so so so awful. I think it has finally hit you how shit your upbringing was and how they set you up to marry a Gellar and even now they won't support you or the dollies just stick the knife in whenever possible whilst on the surface pretending to be wonderful to you.

The house thing I guess be prepared to walk away if they won't take it off the market and agree its deal.

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/01/2022 17:48

Oh Polly that sounds horrendous and yet very cathartic too. You do have some utterly fabulous real life friends though, I’m quite jealous of both them and Westley!

I would definitely ask for more details/an agenda from Geller, if not forthcoming then cancelling last minute sounds entirely reasonable.

Hope new house has a positive outcome Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2022 18:18

I think the dam had to 'burst' at some point, having those crying 'jags' is horrible when they're happening but I think we are usually the better for getting it all out.

A 'meeting', you say? I think you're wise to have it other than in your home so you can just walk out if need be, but wouldn't it be better to meet in a public place where he'd need to 'modulate' his voice and responses? Also, and I know it makes me sound paranoid, but don't put it above him to be recording you in his home and to try to 'bait' you into saying something 'unwise'.

REignbow · 16/01/2022 22:17

I’m pleased that you are having a lovely time in Ole London Town!

Listen, I think that you broke down after they left as l think that you then truly realised how awful and emotionally abusive your family are.

Your mother is a Narc, your father enables her behaviour and your brother is the golden child and full of self importance. They came to your home and spent the entirety trying to put you back into your box.

They may be family but they treat you with nothing short of contempt. I would, never. Ever. Invite or visit them again. Grey rock them and ignore!!

In regards to Geller, he has commanded your presence to discuss what exactly? Also, if it was that important, why has he penciled you in - in two weeks hmm

Personally, I Would not meet him. I would tell him, that whatever he needs to discuss should be via email or your solicitor. Also, I think he is a cheeky fucker. He has kept you waiting on your proposal for months and yet he expects to click his fingers and you will meet with him.

If you decide to meet, I would do this in a public place and he has to provide an agenda.

I think he may have heard about Westley (maybe from your ghastly brother) and wants to discuss that with you.

Justilou1 · 17/01/2022 06:22

Hi @StuckInPollyannaMode- I fell off the thread! (And the wagon over Christmas. Boy did it affect my waistline. Menopause is great, said nobody ever.) Meanwhile am all caught up. Absolutely horrified by your DB’s fuckwittery. You can give them “Team Geller” T-Shirts next Christmas, if you must acknowledge them at all. You are a hero for surviving that utter infection. I think the tears were a detox or purge. (Meanwhile, am livid on your behalf. Men and their unsolicited opinions…. gaaaaah!) Mr NM sounds like a fabulous tonic. What a balance after all that!!! As for Geller… Please record everything on your phone. Let him know that you intend to do so as the meeting starts, or he will have to wait until you have legal representation with you. He will try and entrap you. I have no doubt. Maybe take half a Valium on the way in. (Just joking) But please have your wits about you and let him do all the bloody talking. Don’t get drawn into any kind of emotional response at all. Just practice asking questions to deflect straight back to him… ie, “That’s interesting… What makes you think that?”, “Why do you believe that would be beneficial?” (He will undoubtedly give you answers about how it will benefit HIM, and you can use this later.) If he criticizes DD1 (I think I have the correct twin) as he is wont to do, ask similar questions. The school will back YOU up about her behaviour, etc and show a pattern of emotional abuse/neglect/unwillingness to connect on his part and you have got him nailed to the floor. 🤞

comfortablyfrumpy · 17/01/2022 08:41

I agree with all the suggestions for an agenda.

Anything he tries to discuss that isn't on the agenda, isn't discussed.

Justilou1 · 17/01/2022 10:12

Agree that he has ishooos about Westley, too. Sil and DB have created them. Fuckknuckles.

pointythings · 17/01/2022 10:42

I agree with having an agenda and I also think you need to set yourself some guidelines about what is and is not up for discussion.

So the signing of the settlement - absolutely to be discussed in a 'get on with it or I'll see you in court' sort of way. The Dollies - absolutely up for discussion, but you don't cave in on anything he wants that will let him off the parenting hook.

Westley - hard MYOB, you are an adult and you are allowed to have your own life.

Mix56 · 17/01/2022 16:43

He wants to talk, in two, fucking, weeks... this is such a wanky move, he has done it deliberately to get you jittery.
So I am with REignbow; I Would not meet him. I would tell him, that whatever he needs to discuss should be via email or your solicitor. Also, I think he is a cheeky fucker. He has kept you waiting on your proposal for months and yet he expects to click his fingers and you will meet with him.
I'd send an email saying anything important re dollies can be dealt with without delay by email. & Anything about his failure to sign agreement for 4 months can go via the solicitor, & you are envisioning rebooting the whole deal as clearly he is playing silly fuckers, & you no longer feel like playing.

goody2shooz · 17/01/2022 17:00

@Mix56 has nailed it. Absolutely this.
No more shit Geller!

Feministwoman · 17/01/2022 17:27

What Mix said (long time poster with a name change)

RobertsRadio · 17/01/2022 18:34

I'm another one guessing that he knows about Westley, either from your dear brother or the local gossip. I think you need to mentally prepare yourself for court as Gellar seems determined not to sign, presumably to punish you for having the temerity to leave him.

Glad you had fun in London and I'm sure you will rock those leggings.

Mix56 · 17/01/2022 19:03

Hasn't he got a floozy ?

Beancounter1 · 17/01/2022 21:49

Please, don't go to his house. For so many reasons, it puts you at a disadvantage. He wouldn't have suggested it if it didn't.

Why should he keep you waiting months, then "book you in" for two weeks' time whilst not telling you what it is all about? He is just playing with you like a cat with a mouse.
You are not a mouse any more.

Demand he emails you an outline or 'agenda', and that you meet in a public place. If he won't do this, just demand to know what he want to say, or tell him to go through the solicitors.
As said upthread, take into account who has the dollies for that night after the meeting - if you go ahead with a meeting.

I would be tempted to give him a deadline to sign the papers or you go to court - but you have to really, really mean it, because if he flouts your deadline and you don't go to court then it is another victory for him.
If you are not certain about court, don't mention signing the papers at all, ever. Keep total silence on that topic and let him get bored / anxious / annoyed.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/01/2022 22:05

Another vote for what Mix56 said.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 18/01/2022 06:33

Yup What Mix said.

daisyjgrey · 19/01/2022 12:29

He has also requested a meeting with me ‘to discuss the girls, and other things.’ Fear not, my friends, due to his extremely busy work diary (he’s under soooo much pressure) he can only offer me a date in two weeks time, but he is happy to host.

This is him STILL controlling you and the situation. Do not let him manipulate you any more.

Justilou1 · 19/01/2022 14:12

I’ve popped back after thinking about it to say “Please don’t go to his house - ever.” Others are ahead of me. I also think it’s odd that he has to urgently speak to you, but can only do so in two weeks. Twunt. Just book a court date.

pointythings · 19/01/2022 14:16

I'm with everyone who has said not to go to his house. He doesn't get to control the venue. Neutral ground or court should be his only options.