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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 27/12/2021 20:10

Actually, at least she is still continually disappointing. You wouldn't want to start getting hopes she could be anything other than depressingly consistant
You could take a photo & post it on fb , & publicly shame her!!!
Maybe give her sink plunger or loo de blocker next year.
She has introduced you to a fantastic new game...
Btw, how was the doormat received?

ChristmasPlanning · 27/12/2021 21:35

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Awesome.

'Yes, my present was great, thank you. As I was putting the highly toxic, corrosive and incredibly poisonous substance over the oven, I thought of you the whole time'.

'They do? Ah, well, it's good that you didn't add to it with pointless token presents for anybody'.

'It is? It's the one downside of being fit and slim, I suppose, needing to find smaller sizes in clothing. It's quite trying sometimes, I have to say' [dramatic sigh].

'I'll talk to my stylist at my next appointment. Oh, I can't make that date for a visit or any other date - that's when I'm at the salon. Yes, I've decided to go more regularly. Making a bit more of an effort to avoid you , as it were'.

@NeverDropYourMooncup nailed it Smile
Immunetypegoblin · 27/12/2021 21:43

I'm sorry your mum is crap OP.

I find it weirdly reassuring when crap people remain crap, tbh. It shows that this is just the way they are. It's when crap people start to act nicer that I get upset, because it shows they were capable of being nice all along and were choosing not to be so Sad

justtheonedc · 27/12/2021 23:53

Christ your mother is a piece of work. Please disengage, she brings nothing helpful to your life

frazzledasarock · 28/12/2021 00:36

Polly with regards NM’s reaction.

When I first got together with DH, apart from being a total basket case for a while as I was terrified of being tied to anyone ever again. Quite quickly on in the relationship I told him he felt like family to me. He said he didn’t feel that way about me. I was really hurt by that.

Seven years after that conversation, and we’ve talked about it since, I realise how huge an investment I was expecting from DH. We’d barely gotten together I came with two kids, a whole raft of hurt and pain I was working through, and the utter insanity of an ex and a divorce which was draaaaagggging.

That’s going to scare anyone.

I’d advise taking each day as it comes, if it’s meant to be it will work out. NM clearly wants to be with you he is demonstrating that each day by his actions.
Enjoy the now.

DH said he used to get freaked out how often I would say I loved him. And he found it odd I’d say it so frequently to my girls too. But now he does it even more than I do, as he’s realised how much he loves when our younger DC will stop mid play to tell him they love him.
I grew up never being told I was loved by my parents, and I’m determined that the people I love know I love them.

Don’t feel sad about loving. NM just needs to catch up with what he already knows he feels about you.

As for the oven pride, can you ask your mother to show you how to use it next time she visits 😆

Isthisit22 · 28/12/2021 07:41

You are lovely but do seem to rush within relationships. Of the 2 you've had this year you have been falling for both. Perhaps slow down a bit? I prefer to let the man say I love you first just so I know he means it and hasn't felt pressured.
Your mother is very hurtful. It's a wonder you've turned out so kind, strong and together. Possibly her constant undermining may be why you are craving love so early from these men? Please protect yourself from her as much as possible 💕

Justilou1 · 28/12/2021 08:53

Firstly - @NeverDropYourMooncup…. Elevated to instant Hero Status with the Toxic Corrosive Substance comment. Missed an opportunity to let her know that the oven would be sparklingly clean should she wish to come and shove her head in it.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - Seriously… Your mother… So much like mine. Happy to fly over with holy water and wooden stakes. I know she’s your family, but she’s not mine. (She died almost 5 yrs ago to the day and I still expect her to rise from the grave with a very long list of THINGS TO SAY.)
Therapy. THERAPY. (Can we get a group discount?)
Mr NM isn’t writing off your future. He’s being sensible. He’s not lovebombing you to trick you into thinking he’s something he’s not (like Shitforbrains) because he’s honest and hasn’t got anything to hide. He sees you in his future and he wants the relationship to evolve. Evolution is a fucking wonderful thing, Dahling! 🥰

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 09:31

With regards to NM he's just taking his time. He hasn't met loads if your friends or you his. Then there are families and finally your Dollies.

He makes plans with you, he is reliable and clearly sees you as relationship material. He also knows you are emotionally vulnerable and isn't taking advantage of it - hallelujah!

I adored my DH hook,line and sinker. Overlooked lots of issues and now I have to live with the reality that we aren't the best matched personality wise at all. How I wish I could go back and tell myself to slow the fuck down and not listen to the heady feeling of the honeymoon stage!

Changelingbutonlyforme · 28/12/2021 16:44

There was a thread earlier this week where posters were describing the worst presents they’d ever been given. I think oven cleaner from mother wind 😂. How petty of her. Regift it to her for her birthday.

pointythings · 28/12/2021 17:27

Everything sensible about Mr NM has already been said, I have nothing but agreement to add.

I second regifting the oven cleaner - your mum really is a toxic piece of work. Minimal contact from now on and she doesn't ever get to stay over again.

HeyupitsChristmas · 28/12/2021 18:34

My DM was here for Christmas...here are some of the snipes she shot my way.

"ooh I always give my oven a good clean before Christmas" [ODFOM]

"ooh...do we really want to open another bottle of wine?" [yes]

"ooh do you really need the coil and HRT? I managed to get through the Menopause without all that." [ODFOM]

"ooh I didn't realise you used your dishwasher quite so much" [yeah, and?]

I was straight outside for a fag the minute she'd gone.

RobertsRadio · 29/12/2021 00:13

I just wanted to add my voice to those telling you to not try and rush things with Mr NM and just enjoy what you have here and now. He is reliable, good company, you have nice days out, trips away and fantastic sex, all without the boring drudgery and having to wash his underwear, frankly, it's my idea of the perfect relationship.

He is right not to rush into making this heavy, you haven't known this man long, you are still going through the divorce process, still negotiating the way forward with Gellar and the dollies and most importantly you have two young DC. You need to take this slow for all your sakes.

Re your mother, I have no words. Glad you have booked more counselling sessions.

You are doing great, be kind to yourself.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 29/12/2021 00:15

@StuckInPollyannaMode I’m older than you, with older DC, but take things with NM S-L-O-W-LY.

I’ve realised that I want a sexy friend, a partner, and someone who has my back… not a stand in father. I’ve done the marriage thing, and don’t want a repeat. I’d like days out, nights in, a really good belly laugh, cooking together etc.
Im still going through my divorce, so a lot of sh*t to wade through, but mine is sticking with me…and his company is enough.

I think actions speak louder than words… so don’t be in too much of a hurry to get a verbal commitment out of them.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 29/12/2021 07:24

Honestly, you are brilliant. I hadn’t thought about it from his point of view. I do have a lot on my plate and it’s not just me, and he’s being responsible. I need to believe in his actions and not push it.

Plus, in my head, when I’m in not mummy mode because I don’t have the Dollies, I’m still 28 and all carefree Grin I’m very aware that he’s not Mr Perfect, that we don’t get to our age without baggage and that I don’t really know him yet. I’m not in love with him. Yet. Lust, certainly! I can also see there’s some ambiguity around the phrase falling for you.

Totally take on board what you’re all saying. I am already unpicking why I have this need for commitment with my therapist. I’m a work in progress.

In other news, the car has been packed since yesterday afternoon. It was a difficult day with the Dollies acting up - DD1 in particular totally overwhelmed- it got to 5pm and I asked Dad if I could possibly have a cheeky late afternoon gin. He made us both a double.

When we went and sat down for supper I realised there were no wine glasses on the table and my mother announced she had decided it was an alcohol free evening. Rather than take her on, I just said great, more calories for food! And proceeded to have seconds of everything. Given she has massive issues with me eating then this caused her more pain than anything 😄

I went to bed at 9, after the start of a conversation about how my generation don’t know we’ve got it made, it’s been so easy, not like in their day.

I’m leaving in 2 hours.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 29/12/2021 07:26

Hope you had a good Christmas with your girls, I did my Christmas dinner yesterday.

Its an interesting question you pose about NM.
In my experience women who come out of unloving relationships/marriages go one of 2 ways when they meet a new man, they either go heart first in and develop all sorts of feelings far too quickly or they go really slowly and don't really let anyone in.

You are the former, I am the latter - neither are great options but we have to work with what we have.

I think you need to be clearer on what your feelings actually are, this early they are likely to be lust. I also think you need to consider what oxytocin does to your brain and maybe stop yourself staying things you don't 100% meanin the cold light of day.
I can see why you feel hurt, its because you feel rejected.
I think if this was a woman telling us a man had told her the things you said we would be calling it lovebombing because its so early.

Do you know what you want from a relationship going forward?

I've been with my partner over 2 years and we've not said we love each other, we talk about liking each other a lot, that we make each other happy and he told me over Christmas he is very serious about me.
Both have been cheated on in previous marriage/relationship so we definitely hold back on our feelings.
My running joke is that my heart is made of stone😂
We have no plans to live together, we will hopefully LAT forever although he thinks we might live together when we retire (25+ years). We are not blending families or finances and it works for us.
My children are adults and live at home still, they get on well, his son is at primary school and although we've met a few times he doesn't know we're together and I have no part in his life and this suits me fine.

Just because society says couples must live together (and blend families) otherwise they're not committed/in love doesn't mean we have to conform. More and more couples are now Living Apart Together and it works

SortingItOut · 29/12/2021 07:28

@StuckInPollyannaMode Well done for surving at your parents, 2 hours will fly by and you'll be on your way home where you drink and eat whatever you want whenever you want.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 29/12/2021 07:34

Oh - to be clear - for several reasons, living together is not in my mind or on the table or, in fact, even possible.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 29/12/2021 08:05

Please leave your oven cleaner behind, by not mistake !
See if she mentions it, saves it for your next visit, or uses it whilst sniping how ungrateful/sloppy/incapable you are.
You can say, "never mind, you keep it I saw your oven was filthy😁"

RandomMess · 29/12/2021 08:30

No wonder you were floored by NM response.

I'm falling for you = in love with you and see us as a committed long term relationship.

Whereas you mean "I absolutely fancy the pants off you and adore having sex"

I'm sure he would have been more thrilled at that 2nd statement.

Absolutely well done on surviving your mother. Meet ups for a few hours half way from now on only. She is insufferable!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/12/2021 08:34

When we went and sat down for supper I realised there were no wine glasses on the table and my mother announced she had decided it was an alcohol free evening. Rather than take her on, I just said great, more calories for food! And proceeded to have seconds of everything. Given she has massive issues with me eating then this caused her more pain than anything

Polly, that is a bloody brilliant response! I’m so pleased for you!

pointythings · 29/12/2021 09:22

Genius response to your mum's PA lack of wine - you're getting so good at managing her!

RandomMess · 29/12/2021 09:40

TBH I think you have your own poisened non-dwarf

smartiecake · 29/12/2021 13:40

I hope you left the oven cleaner behind. I agree you have your own poisoned dwarf to deal with. I think next year maybe do something different, see them for a much shorter time and stay in a premier inn! Just one night. And maybe get your mum an oxfam goat as her gift! Wink
I'm sorry you have such a lot to deal with. I hope the therapy helps

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 14:21

@RandomMess

TBH I think you have your own poisened non-dwarf
Doesn't she just!

What a piece of work your mother is.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 14:52

If I were to be single again, the perfect relationship would be 'you have your home and 'outside' life and I have mine, we come together, spend time together, sharing and 'loving' each other but then we go home'. Space and closeness both in equal measures.

My cousin had a relationship like this when her children were still young. The gentleman (and he was a gentle man) and she shared a 'life' that was separate from her life as a mother. He would have been happy for them to live together or marry but she didn't want to complicate her life nor her children's lives. He unfortunately passed away from cancer after they'd been together about 6 years, but I think if he had lived they probably would have married or lived together once her children were grown.

You just enjoy Mr NM and what you have to offer each other. You can tame your 'unruly heart', it just takes giving yourself a stern talking to every so often.

Hope you stop off and get yourself a bottle of your fav wine And then send your mother a selfie of you sipping a glass.

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