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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
sixpencenonethepoorer · 27/12/2021 09:01

Christmas is a time of barbs and stings sometimes! It reminds me of that restaurant scene in Bridget Jones with the jellyfish stings ratcheting up. Ouch, ouch and ouch! I've had a few of those myself this year Confused

So re Geller and PD - pah! Whatever! My money is on him not doing a great deal. No one thinks Christmas is "easy"! Unless you do very little!

Re new chap - don't take it to heart. Maybe he's been hurt in the past. It sounds to be going so well - and it's absolutely fine to say what you said! You've been honest and shared how you feel. That's fine! Don't let your embarrassment spoil it. Just carry on as you were before - if it was going well, then that's good! No rush. Just enjoy it!

Hope your Christmas with the dollies today is lovely! (And easy 🤣)

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 27/12/2021 09:33

Hi - I remember your earlier threads and saw this on today.
You’re doing amazing and you’ve come such a long way. Hope you don’t mind me saying well done!
Either as pp said Geller has done absolutely nothing and therefore it isn’t stressful. Maybe the PD did it all. Or he’s managed to get one good snap of the day where it wasn’t compete stressful chaos and he’s making out different. Either way hope your girls had a good time and I’m sure they’ll have an amazing time having their second Xmas with you.
With the guy it’s really, really hard when you open up and don’t get the same response back. I’m one to them shut down and back away. And also internally question why I’m not good enough. But the positives are that he is being open and honest and he can see a future with you. I’d take that any day over someone that tells you what you want to hear. Just take it a day at a time and hopefully it will progress further.
But if it doesn’t at least you have a taste now of what a decent man / relationship is like and you can move onto something even better.

CraftyYankee · 27/12/2021 10:09

Polly, I've been following your threads for a long time now but rarely if ever commented.

You have gotten so much stronger and happier, and self aware over the course of them. Well done you!

BUT (always a but eh?) this seems to be a bit of a pattern with you. Didn't you declare strong feelings for someone else previously that didn't go well? Was it DI Dishy?

You're really not long out of a difficult marriage, struggling to co-parent amicably with a twit, dealing with your toxic family. It seems to me as an outsider that you desperately want the love and security of a committed relationship with someone who can be an adult alongside you. So you are prematurely declaring big relationship establishing feelings for men who might not be quite there yet.

I can't remember if you've had therapy yet? But this might be something useful to unpick with a decent therapist.

Because as exhausting as it is being the only adult, you are enough. More than enough. All by yourself. You may WANT someone to share the joys and burdens with, but you don't NEED it.

Apologies if I've overstepped, and I hope you're having a wonderful second Xmas with your girls.

Welshgal85 · 27/12/2021 10:50

Oh sorry to hear about that with Mr New Man, it’s hard when you say how you feel and they don’t say it back. But I think it sounds like he is really keen on you but being cautious. There could be various reasons for this, he has been hurt in the past, or it feels a bit soon for him to put his feelings out there? It sounds like he just needs more time.

Also, maybe because you have the Dollies, he wants to be absolutely sure before he says anything/gets more committed and doesn’t want to mess you around? I’d see how things play out over the coming weeks but try not to withdraw from him now.

On Gellar, I’d put money on that they didn’t have a perfect day but he is doing the classic of wanting things to appear great on Facebook like most people do!

Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your Dollies! 😊 xx

billy1966 · 27/12/2021 11:05

All that photo and remark will show is that it can't be that great a day if he has to have a pop at his ex-wife.....very revealing....and no doubt received a lot of 🙄 upon being opened by people.

He's such a twat.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/12/2021 11:22

I’ll leave it to others to talk about Mr New Man (CraftyYankee’s post is worth some attention, I think).But Geller…

First, no woman has ever declared Christmas is ‘easy’ so every woman who sees that will scoff and say that either his mum organized it all for him or he is outright lying.

Second, cast you mind back to the bauble dramas. You know, when he was doing his best and DD1 was having a meltdown? Do you think he has blanked that out from his memory or was that part easy’ too?

BorsetshireBanality · 27/12/2021 11:41

@billy1966

All that photo and remark will show is that it can't be that great a day if he has to have a pop at his ex-wife.....very revealing....and no doubt received a lot of 🙄 upon being opened by people.

He's such a twat.

This!
RandomMess · 27/12/2021 11:55

I was going to post something similar about New Man.

You seem to give away your heart easily and quickly in the first flush/honeymoon phase.

Do you actually know what real live is rather than infatuation/romance/the first stages?

Did you feel like that with Gellar and how did that progress to engagement, marriage etc?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/12/2021 12:19

*But…I’m a bit lost. And hurt, if I’m honest. It took a lot for me to say what I said. And he’s been SO lovely - never inappropriate or love bombing or anything - he’s respectful and open and we’re having such a lovely time.

I totally respect that he doesn’t want to say something doesn’t feel. And that he’s not prepared to lie to me. But...*

I think as others will point out and mention with regards to talking to someone - this bit really sticks out. Hurt it such a strong word to use in this context because he hasn't done anything as such. You almost describe it that because you were so open and honest with him that the feelings should be reciprocated.

"Falling for you" is so open to interpretation too that could be why he didn't know what to say. Does it mean you're pretty much in love with him? Does it mean you see yourself being in love with him in the future if things progress as they are?

But the big positive I would have in my mind is I would imagine given the way you've described the progress of the relationship so far that chances are he is falling for you in some context or another. It might just not be a phrase he uses.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 27/12/2021 12:27

@billy1966

All that photo and remark will show is that it can't be that great a day if he has to have a pop at his ex-wife.....very revealing....and no doubt received a lot of 🙄 upon being opened by people.

He's such a twat.

This for sure, Christmas is usually only 'easy' for the people who aren't doing most of it and I'm sure the majority of people he sent that picture to will know that :)
WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 27/12/2021 12:36

Anyone reading his report will doubt that he was very involved in the sort of things that make Christmas challenging for most :)

Take credit where it is due Polly: 'easy' means that the girls coped well despite being with him. That would be thanks to you and the way you have helped them through recent not easy times!

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 12:41

What sort of self centred idiot sends a message like that anyway??

Anyone else would just say "had a lovely Christmas hope you did too"

He doth protest far far far too much!

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 12:42

No sign of his eldest daughter being invited or part of it? No surprise there!

comfortablyfrumpy · 27/12/2021 12:45

Says a lot that Gellar feels the need to make that statement. Either PD or his parents did it all, or he is lying. Either way, he is an utter toad and he and PD are welcome to each other!

I don't think you did anything wrong in telling NM how you feel.

Enjoy Christmas with the Dolliesx

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2021 12:52

Oh, don't panic and pull away, Polly.

That is almost word for word what DP said to me many years ago. He needed more time to be sure what he felt - and that was without emotionally stunted morons, a complicated divorce and two children involved.

I can't guarantee once he knows that it'll be the answer you'd want - but if it is, you'll know that it is absolutely true.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2021 13:01

I agree, don't panic and back away. Just be yourself and see where it takes you.

LaChanticleer · 27/12/2021 13:45

When we went to bed, because it’s Christmas and I was a bit pissed and feeling bold, I told him how I felt about him. That I’m crazy about him and falling for him.

Been cheering you on @StuckInPollyannaMode, and sopleased to read how you are step-by-step extricating yourself and becoming more you. But you're smart - you must have noticed this is a pattern? What about taking this to your therapist next time you meet, and explore it with her?

And as pp say, just keep on trying to take it a day at a time.

It's not really your fault, though. Theorising here: I think that men and women are socialised strongly in different emotional directions - women are socialised to always be connecting with others, to seek personal validation in emotional connection & care for others. We're taught that we are emotional creatures (unless that emotion is anger, then we're told we're witches). We're what one feminist psychologist has called "relative creatures."

Men are taught to be more guarded about emotional connections to others, and also taught that it's better not to feel - unless it's anger, which is channelled into all sorts of aggression style actions. So he may be very scared of his feelings, just as much as you delight in yours and want to speak them out.

If that makes sense? - I know it's generalising, but I do think the way we are all conditioned by our culture does have an impact on our interpersonal & intimate relationships - we don't come to these as blank slates.

Mix56 · 27/12/2021 14:35

Didn't you do the exact same thing with DI Dishy?

Its hard to entirely fall in love with a woman knowing she has 2 children (that you haven't even met yet) & all the baggage with G etc.
You need to stop pushing for commitment.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2021 16:45

I think the best thing to do is to just treat 'your moment' like it never happened. Don't apologize for it, don't try to backtrack or explain. Act like you have no memory of it. Hopefully he'll put it down to too much 'Christmas cheer' and file it away in the back of his brain.

Listen, it's perfectly normal to want someone special in our lives and to 'love being in love'. I've also always been a 'heart on sleeves' type who allowed myself to feel 'too much, too soon'. But I learnt eventually to keep my mouth shut about it. I think you need to learn to do that, too.

Men, in my experience, tend to move more slowly than we do and to want to keep things 'less intense' for a longer period of time. And if we 'scare them' by declaring ourselves too soon or too 'passionately', they'll skedaddle for the hills even if they were starting to fall in love and/or consider a serious commitment.

StuckInPollyannaMode · 27/12/2021 18:24

Lots to consider, thank you all so much. And no, no one has overstepped the mark, thank you for your honesty everyone. You’ve raised things I hadn’t even thought about.

In other news, I’ve opened my mother’s presents today and thought you would appreciate them. A packet of Oven Pride and some antibacterial hand gel.

Apparently the Dollies have too many presents, my hair is too long, my dress is too big, my skirt is too short and I should make more effort with my make up.

How I’m not a raging alcoholic is beyond me.

More therapy booked in for the new year.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 27/12/2021 18:35

Polly, may I suggest that for your mother's Christmas present, or birthday, you give her a copy of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'? Heavily annotated. Or, if I could only find it, there's a book I read at a holiday home one year, with my mother, which was all about various ways to dispose of bodies. . .

This was always going to be a challenging Christmas for you this year. You done good. Merry Christmas, and to a Happier New Year!

Sunbird24 · 27/12/2021 18:44

Maybe treat yourself to this: www.amazon.co.uk/Difficult-Mothers-Adult-Daughters-Inspiration/dp/163353717X/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
You could even accidentally leave it somewhere she might see it if she’s being nosy at your house (or hiding your wine) in future…

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 18:48

@Sunbird24

Maybe treat yourself to this: ]] You could even accidentally leave it somewhere she might see it if she’s being nosy at your house (or hiding your wine) in future…
I think I might treat myself to that. . .
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2021 18:50

Awesome.

'Yes, my present was great, thank you. As I was putting the highly toxic, corrosive and incredibly poisonous substance over the oven, I thought of you the whole time'.

'They do? Ah, well, it's good that you didn't add to it with pointless token presents for anybody'.

'It is? It's the one downside of being fit and slim, I suppose, needing to find smaller sizes in clothing. It's quite trying sometimes, I have to say' [dramatic sigh].

'I'll talk to my stylist at my next appointment. Oh, I can't make that date for a visit or any other date - that's when I'm at the salon. Yes, I've decided to go more regularly. Making a bit more of an effort to avoid you , as it were'.

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 19:11

FFS she is a complete cow.

Please make this the last visit with her.

Her jealousy of your happiness and success and wonderful relationship with the dollies pours out of her Angry