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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/12/2021 19:19

Your darling brother may very well tell G, that you sre going away skiing with bf.
What better way if scoring points against you?

Mix56 · 02/12/2021 19:20

Crossed post !

Pashazade · 02/12/2021 19:28

I'd just say your going away with some friends. There's a chance you might be doing some skiing but your not sure it all depends on the weather. Say maybe we could plan a skiing holiday in a few years once they're a bit bigger, because if mummy spends this weekend learning then you'll all be able to spend time skiing together.
I'd be telling your brother he's either coming to see you or just don't bother as apparently Gellar is more important to him than you or his relationship with his nieces.

Justilou1 · 02/12/2021 19:47

What @Mix56 said….
But sweat more.

Justilou1 · 02/12/2021 19:47

Swear!!!!

ASatisfyingThump · 02/12/2021 21:00

Delurking to say just tell the kids you're going away with a friend, it's technically the truth!

And as for your family, get through Christmas if you really feel you have to, but go as low contact as possible afterwards. They've cast you in the role of family fuck-up and are desperate to drag you back down now you've found your wings, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Don't let them!

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/12/2021 21:18

Your brother really is an A grade arsehole. But you know that.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2021 21:42

‘You could always stay with geller if you prefer, and it would be better if you stayed elsewhere if your priority is seeing him anyway. In fact it might be better anyway, that way you won’t have to risk meeting my boyfriend as I know how much you want to avoid that. Have you told geller you will have nothing to do with his girlfriend yet by the way?’

He will definitely tell geller you’re skiiing with new man. I wonder if you should consider lining up alternate childcare if geller mysteriously comes down wiht the flu that weekend?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2021 21:53

@timeisnotaline

‘You could always stay with geller if you prefer, and it would be better if you stayed elsewhere if your priority is seeing him anyway. In fact it might be better anyway, that way you won’t have to risk meeting my boyfriend as I know how much you want to avoid that. Have you told geller you will have nothing to do with his girlfriend yet by the way?’

He will definitely tell geller you’re skiiing with new man. I wonder if you should consider lining up alternate childcare if geller mysteriously comes down wiht the flu that weekend?

^^ This is just about perfect.

And as far as the dollies, the less info you give the better. I'd simply say I was going away with a friend for a 'grownup weekend'. If they ask what you'll be doing just give a vague " Not sure. We'll decide that when we get there" then distract them with a snack or a video.

sunflowersd · 03/12/2021 00:27

This is obviously just a stranger guessing but I wonder if your brother and his wife might feel a bit threatened that your marriage is coming to an end as what does that mean for theirs if someone close to them gets divorced?
Plus they may have some deluded idea that if they just get you in the same room you’ll get back together for the sake of the kids like in a bad rom com. You know that Geller would want to do that as it would make his life easy again and keep up appearances. So they subconsciously or not see you as the stumbling block to making it all better.
The thing is Geller didn’t always seem so awful to you or you wouldn’t have married him or tried so hard to make it work and for the sake of yourself and your kids you have protected your family (and friends) from just how awful he has been. So they still might think it’s fixable.

I think if it were me I would try and share a small part of your story. Not too much detail. That won’t help. But tell them you are hurting. That the break up wasn’t a quick decision but something you prayed and agonised over. Of course you wanted it to work but he didn’t. You understand their confusion. If he wasn’t charming that he would never have been married twice and be dating again now. But there were real problems and behind closed doors there was also cruelty. It isn’t true that he doesn’t know why it ended. You don’t want to badmouth your kids father but it was serious. And this did not happen lightly. One day when it’s not so painful you may talk more about it if they want to know but right now you are looking forward and you just hope they know you well enough to say that you wouldn’t lie about this or break up a marriage if it wasn’t the best thing for your kids. And the good news is that their school and their friends have both commented on how much happier the girls are now they have a more stable home life.
You understand this is a shock for them and you really want to see them but Geller can’t come to the house or go on joint activities currently until he proves he can do this without manipulating and behaving cruelly.
That if they can’t support you that sadly they will need to skip Christmas together this year as it is too fresh for you all to have things being raked up again but that you will of course be happy to see them whenever they feel ready to be back in your life.
For what it’s worth I think it’s great you are finding things to be truly ‘glad about’ as Pollyanna would say and I pray this will all get easier in time. Standing up for yourself and saying no is hard but it is a brilliant example to set your girls. And will also be character building for your brother and SIL. You are doing the right thing. X

Justilou1 · 03/12/2021 00:41

What do they get out of being in touch with Geller? What’s in it for them??? The only reason I can see for them to remain in touch is to try and have some kind of information flow to try and hold over your head for “sabotage” or blackmail purposes. These fucking Borderlines love their power play.
I know the nieces are fab, but what’s the cost? You can post presents and your girls can contact them on Instagram or whatever’s the cool sm de jour when they’re all old enough if they’re interested.
There is absolutely no point explaining your stance to these people. They don’t give a rat’s arse. They will stormtroop all over your life as long as they keep coming in.

Justilou1 · 03/12/2021 00:42

Also, I rather like the Vegas idea. Especially a fat, Rhinestone Elvis wedding.

Justilou1 · 03/12/2021 00:43

Your mum would curl up her toes and staine the Axminster.

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 03/12/2021 07:30

@timeisnotaline

‘You could always stay with geller if you prefer, and it would be better if you stayed elsewhere if your priority is seeing him anyway. In fact it might be better anyway, that way you won’t have to risk meeting my boyfriend as I know how much you want to avoid that. Have you told geller you will have nothing to do with his girlfriend yet by the way?’

He will definitely tell geller you’re skiiing with new man. I wonder if you should consider lining up alternate childcare if geller mysteriously comes down wiht the flu that weekend?

^this.

But remember to get a little dig in "I have already given you my answer, did you forget?" at the beginning.

Mix56 · 03/12/2021 08:19

I have remained friends with my X sister in law. (We aren't in the same country so its a rare event.). However we were always friends & she is still the mother of my nieces & nephews,
The difference is, My brother went off with an OW, deserting her.
I also never rub it my brother's face if I see her for an evening.
I quietly went about my business.

If it was my brother in this situation. I would ask him What the fuck is he playing at ? Why is he trying to engage in this jolly with G who he never liked before, why is he pushing to use the dds as a prop ?
If its to fill the space while they are having this little get together & they have no substance for small talk, why the actual fuck are they going out of their way to keep alight this pseudo acquaintance
Do they not see or care what message this would be giving the dollies?
If they dont give a flying fuck about your family, then
The girls see their father, who has already moved on with a new gf/victim.
When they are with you they are on your precious contact time, not his.
& finally, they need to decide where their priorities lie.
You do not want to know if they're sniffing around G, when & where they see him is not something that you wish to be party to, & not to bother coming to Xmas.
Hasn't he ever learned anything about family & loyalty.
G is a bastard, you were wrong to have stayed as long as you did, you tried to work it out, he is not a nice person as they could confirm with his former 2 wives.
Their insistance on seeing him & trying to rope in you & dds is a kick in the teeth that you will remember

LadyDanburysHat · 03/12/2021 08:42

Argh Polly I am so frustrated for you. I fear it is getting close to you having no option but to disinvite your brother and sil. Your family are truly awful people and clearly do not care at all about your happiness.

RandomMess · 03/12/2021 11:10

TBH the new Covid variant is a great excuse to cancel them coming to protect your parents.

harriethoyle · 03/12/2021 12:09

Well we now know your DB is a twat as opposed to a thoughtless incompetent... I have 3 and 2 of them would be exactly like this. Keep reiterating what you've already said and do not bend an inch!

StuckInPollyannaMode · 04/12/2021 04:40

I have Dealt With DB. Reiterated my boundaries and reinforced what I want to happen. Cheeky fucker. Surprisingly upset by his lack of loyalty. Talking to a friend who knows both of us and she says she thinks he won’t even realise I’ve gone low contact next year as he’s so selfish. I’m still absolutely stunned by my mother’s response to various things last weekend.

My insomnia is RAGING. So decided to be useful and do mahoosive online shop. Only for the app to update and when I get to checkout it says they are no longer delivering to my area. Grrr. Think I’ll look at some Christmas presents instead.

First long run of my training for the half marathon yesterday and boy, I can tell. 7 miles.

I’m absolutely not telling the Dollies nor Geller about Mr New Man by the way - sorry if there were any crossed wires there! Golly, he is just so super lovely. No red flags as yet and we’re three months in. Maybe after Christmas my walls might come down just an inch. I’m not putting him on a pedestal or anything, we’re just having the nicest time.

Went out for dinner with a dear friend of mine last night who had a breakdown this summer. She is looking so much better and brighter, I’m so proud of her. She’s got a new puppy so I will get to puppy sit sometimes!

Off to Wales again today for a night to see friends down Barry. Full on Gavin and Stacey I’ll be! Hoping for a beach day on Sunday.

Hope everyone has a super weekend!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/12/2021 08:13

If you dont give dds & G some kind of half story about lovely new man.
Your parents & brother will probably stick the knife in again & take care of it for you.
What do you think your B is going to chat about with G?
He's bound to plant into the convo that you are holidaying near him with bf in the new year.
G will use it with the dds.
If your Brother doesn't grass, your Mother will enjoy sticking it to you,
Then say she thought they already knew

goody2shooz · 04/12/2021 09:01

Fraid I agree with @Mix56. Brother has doubtless blabbed to your parents and I suspect he or sil will enjoy telling Geller. Do hope you’ve mentioned Geller’s new woman to the b and sil?

comfortablyfrumpy · 04/12/2021 15:57

Good for you, Polly.
As others have said, what's the betting he tells everyone about new man. Git.
Do make sure he knows Gellar has a new woman. Better still, mention it to your parents to get in there first Grin

Tomeeornottomee · 05/12/2021 08:33

I would be so angry with my family. You honestly have way more patience than a lot of people I know. Do you think Geller is behind the “I’d like to take the dollies with me” idea? Also ban him from coming anywhere near your home over Xmas. It will cause you stress and upset YOUR time with the kids. Grrrr am so annoyed on your behalf

Justilou1 · 06/12/2021 03:46

I can guarantee that if they haven’t already, DB and/or Shark SIL will tell Gellar. Haemorrhoids. All of them. I am now referring to them as The Piles.

Gellar will kick off at Christmas. I am predicting that he will turn up with puppy dog eyes and an ACTUAL puppy at your house. Be prepared.

comfortablyfrumpy · 07/12/2021 09:10

@Justilou1

I can guarantee that if they haven’t already, DB and/or Shark SIL will tell Gellar. Haemorrhoids. All of them. I am now referring to them as The Piles.

Gellar will kick off at Christmas. I am predicting that he will turn up with puppy dog eyes and an ACTUAL puppy at your house. Be prepared.

Please no - I thought even Gellar had realised what a dick move getting a dog was going to be.

But you're right, I wouldn't put it past him.