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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2021 14:11

At first I thought (as PP have) about having your B & SiL drop off but I think I might be concerned about what might be said in front of the dollies.

A drop off in a public place might be a good idea. Sure, you'd have to see his stupid face, but hopefully being in a public place would stop him from saying anything too annoying. You could take the dollies out for a treat (hot choc? McD?) which would get you out of the house & away from the 'coven' and then just tell Geller to be there 1/2 hr later (or whatever works for you) so you have time with the dollies away from your family (and a bit of a breather). When he shows up, you simply say 'hello, here they are', kiss the dollies and get up and walk away.

PussyCatEatingPigsInBlankets · 30/11/2021 14:42

Why would you need to avoid the Poisoned Dwarf? Serously Polly Fuck 'em. Head up, bold as brass, polite to the point of cringing and drop the girls off yourself. Remember you are the new, strong, independent, accredited Polly. 💪

Don't engage in any eye contact or small talk with the dwarf. Everything goes through Geller.
Leave your B and SIL out of this completely. If they want a relationship, that is up to them - you have no control over it. BUT you can control how much of a relationship you have with them.

Mix56 · 30/11/2021 14:49

The "poisoned dwarf" may become the DDs step mother, best to be on good terms to be fair, its not her fault that Polly & G are divorcing

ChristmasPlanning · 30/11/2021 14:50

@Mix56

I would tell your family in advance, that Geller has not been inside your home, for very obvious reasons, he will not be setting foot inside your home, any continuing support for him, who you say they didn't really like beforehand apparently) can be orchestrated without your knowledge or participation. He made you very unhappy for a very long time. He is not your friend. Noone is to invite him in for any reason, if they do, they will all be leaving immediately & permanently.

Organise a hand over at a half way spot?

Good idea from @Mix56 and remind your family you have set and will continue to keep boundaries

Your family should feel ashamed at their lack of loyalty

REignbow · 30/11/2021 14:54

The coven can not be trusted, so as has been suggested I think that you meet him somewhere neutral.

How long are the coven staying with you for? I ask as I think that you need to give yourself time to regroup whilst they are there. Walks, runs, meeting friends etc.

Oh and after their behaviour I wouldn’t invite them to stay again. I know that you are sticking to the plan because of your DF, but please remember you shouldn’t have to be a sacrificial lamb to appease your not so dear mother, brother and sister in law!

Mr Schmexy sounds wonderful.

SortingItOut · 30/11/2021 14:55

Isn't the poisoned dward Geller's mother so Polly's ex-MIL and Dollies Grandmother?

crikeycrumbsblimey · 30/11/2021 14:59

I doubt it - is Geller’s mother!

Mix56 · 30/11/2021 15:26

Haha, I thought it was the new gf !!!!😂

GinIronic · 30/11/2021 16:46

I would still cancel Christmas - if only because they rearranged your cupboards (who does that!) and put your wine out of reach. You are not a child. They don’t care if they upset you - so why should you care if you upset them.

HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 30/11/2021 16:53

@SortingItOut

Isn't the poisoned dward Geller's mother so Polly's ex-MIL and Dollies Grandmother?
Oh thank you! Got very confused for a minute 😆 Whatever you do Polly, suit yourself and the girls & no one else!
TheSilveryPussycat · 30/11/2021 20:25

Pedant here. I think it's poison dwarf. The poisoned ones are the people they affect.

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/11/2021 20:27

For clarity: I mean poison dwarf poison the people they come in contact with.

Justilou1 · 30/11/2021 22:20

I don’t understand why @StuckInPollyannaMode didn’t ask why they felt they had to mark their territory by rearranging the wine cupboard? What were they worried about? Had one of their little angels been on the sauce? Did they find the prospect of day-drinking too tempting? Understandable, considering their foiled plans.
S

SpringCrocus · 01/12/2021 00:44

Polly, wtf were they doing arranging YOUR cupboards, and wtf did you not challenge whoever did it?

Seriously, that's well over any boundary. It's YOUR house, so wtf should anyone rearrange anything in it?

Maxiedog123 · 01/12/2021 01:37

I hope you rearrAnged the cupboards back.

Justilou1 · 01/12/2021 07:02

Maybe they were looking for drug evidence for Geller.

comfortablyfrumpy · 01/12/2021 09:08

Next time you go to theirs, make sure to rearrange a cupboard or two...

Justilou1 · 01/12/2021 10:08

Or even better, rearrange their lounge room, and when they ask, say “Oh, you did this at my house… I thought this was a thing!”
If not, just pee on their carpet.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2021 13:48

Maybe they were doing inventory for their next visit. Geller has no doubt cited 'problem drinking' as a reason Polly left him. Because it couldn't possibly be because of him, oh no!

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 01/12/2021 14:16

Rearranged your cupboards!

They put your wine out of reach...
Do they see themselves as so much in charge of your life?
Divorce them all!

Polly - please keep working on the word that is not yes. You are going to need it over Christmas. These people do not have normal family boundaries with you + they are not reasonable in so many ways.

(New festive name :) )

StuckInPollyannaMode · 02/12/2021 17:00

Do you not remember the great Cutlery Wars of 2018? That saw repeated battles. Where one side would rearrange the other's cutlery drawers (apparently I keep mine in the wrong order). So the next time I was at hers I moved all her cutlery to the order I have mine.

That one lasted quite some time, let me tell you.

Moving a load of stuff is NOTHING. I was on a conference call upstairs and had no idea what they were doing. Apparently it's good for my dad to move about...

My DB is being a prat again. In spite of me having stated my position with regards to him seeing Geller, he has asked again if he can see him, and if he can take the Dollies. I have reiterated my position. But it just goes to show how little respect any of my family have for my boundaries.

My apologies, I completely agree, it should have been Poison Dwarf. So shall she be named going forward.

Geller excelled himself this week by throwing a hissy fit about not knowing the date of the school carol concert at a mutual friend. He can ONLY do one night because he's SO busy with work and commitments and it's totally unreasonable that it shouldn't take place during the school day. She told him to just cancel his work commitment if it meant he would miss the carol concert and he said that he couldn't possibly. Whereupon she told him to take his complaint to the headmistress, who, as we all know, has his measure. I'd give a lot to know if he did!

In a major step forward, however, we have the paperwork from Geller's solicitor!! Of course, he hasn't signed it, and his solicitor wants to argue the toss on one last point just to be an arse - but it's a major step forward. I am waiting to speak to SHL to be sure she's ok with me signing it and then it's down to the courts. There is a small part of me that would absolutely love the judge to push back and say this isn't fair... but whatever.

In other news, Mr New Man (going to have to stop calling him that soon!) has put his name down for Adele tickets. Is is mean that if we get them and head off to Vegas for the weekend I won't say anything but will just post on the family WhatsApp a picture of the Little White Wedding Chapel and then turn my phone off? That'd learn them.

I do, however, need yet more advice. This one is about what to tell the Dollies when I go skiing. Seeing as how I'm not in the country. Obviously I've not told him anything other than I'll be away, and I certainly haven't said who with, but going away for a few days I don't want to lie to them about. What would you do? I don't want to breathe a word about Mr New Man, I guess I could say I'm going on a course, or do I just tell them I'm going to learn to ski? But then I'll have a barrage of they want to come (their cousins ski and they have skiied and love it) or I'll get a load of shit off Geller for paying for it.

Thoughts, as ever, much appreciated.

I'm off to see the live stream of Anything Goes tonight with some girlfriends. I'll tapdance back onto the thread later. Have a good evening my loves xx

OP posts:
MzHz · 02/12/2021 18:42

Oh Polly, you know how this goes, just breathe, relax and stop worrying about what others think.

Your db? “I’ve told you my position on this, I don’t appreciate you going out of your way to cozy up to somebody who has made my life suck a misery and someone you’ve never liked but now are bezzy mates with knowing that it’ll get under my skin. It’s treacherous and you know it. See whoever the fuck you like, go wherever you like but you’re not taking my dds, I’ll sort that out myself with their dad, and know that with every action there’s consequences so crack on and happy Christmas”

Your dollies:? Just tell them you’re away with a friend and tell them about learning to ski when you’re back. There’s no need to create too much about this (significant) development in your life for now. Plenty of time for that when the time comes, slow steps on firm ground before you let the cat out the bag.

Plus you don’t need the hassle from their dad, you’re in the midst of legal crap, The least said the better. If you tell the girls, you’ll have to tell them to not tell their dad, and that’s too much of an ask.

Don’t ask for permission, do what you need to do and then others can deal with it

You’re not doing anything wrong in any of this

Stand up for yourself- as a sister, as a mother and as a woman

RandomMess · 02/12/2021 18:55

Perhaps ask your brother if he actually wants to come and visit you at all seeing as though he has more interest in someone he has merely tolerated for a decade as he is more than welcome to not stay with you and just pop in to see the dollies.

The girls - tell them it's an adult only retreat and your going to chill out.

Mix56 · 02/12/2021 19:14

I would love to tell your jerk of a brother
Quote.
No you can not fucking take my daughters to a wave around as a trophy, with my ex fucking abusive husband, you pathetic shit eating crawling mummy's boy,
Go & bend over in front of him, but my children will not be part of your circus

In actuality I would say.
Over my dead body arsehole

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/12/2021 19:15

Maybe your Brother would enjoy staying with Geller better o_O truly bizarre behavior. I honestly can't think of a single good reason for it other than being an arse to you.

Unfortunately as you had the whole exchange with your brother regarding visiting while your skiing we can only expect that Geller will be kept up to date with your plans for a trip away, expect some attempt at sabotage and for the girls to get a grilling about 'mummies friends'.