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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
BigRedDuck · 28/11/2021 00:18

He sounds lovely Polly. Had to find you again as lost your thread.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves and all that......

justtheonedc · 28/11/2021 01:19

Oh you're doing so well Polly. Not just with Geller but parents too!

Justilou1 · 29/11/2021 00:22

I think you should limit your expectations with your parents @StuckInPollyannaMode. Their only genuine joy would be through successes made via husband. (Preferably Gellar.) I honestly think your mother has a personality disorder. (And your brother also, as it truly fits the pattern.)
Once you realise that if you expect nothing at all, you won’t be disappointed or hurt - you’re liberated.

Mix56 · 29/11/2021 07:46

Its hard to accept that your family aren't on your team. (Except your Father but he seems to be at best in submission & at worst an enabler.)
Your B sounds smug & manipulative, SIL in for the inheritance
Your M, well, seriously narcissistic & dominant.
I agree the best way to protect yourself from being repeatedly cut by their lack of support is to go minimal contact, & when you do have some contact for it not to be in your home, stay in b&b locally local to them, allow yourself to leave sooner than planned if you cant cope. (Work emergency)
Remember st some point their health will fail, & you being the girl will be expected to step in & care for your Mother.
Its going to be misery. If you havent cut her loose. Sorry

LadyDanburysHat · 29/11/2021 08:44

Congratulations Polly. New man is a dose of fresh air. And I really have no words for your parents. They just can't be happy for you, can they?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/11/2021 16:00

I hope you have something up your sleeve for when Geller 'accidentally' pops over to see your brother, you know its going to happen.

Justilou1 · 29/11/2021 17:43

@LivingDeadGirlUK - like a rifle? Or maybe an anvil falling from an upper story a-la Road Runner cartoons?

RobertsRadio · 29/11/2021 17:51

[quote Justilou1]@LivingDeadGirlUK - like a rifle? Or maybe an anvil falling from an upper story a-la Road Runner cartoons?[/quote]
I like your style 😂😂😂

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/11/2021 18:43

Copy of the bloody documents he is supposed to be signing would be better!

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2021 00:53

I'd go for motion activated sprinklers for the 'unexpected visitor'.

Newestname002 · 30/11/2021 01:57

[quote Justilou1]@LivingDeadGirlUK - like a rifle? Or maybe an anvil falling from an upper story a-la Road Runner cartoons?[/quote]
Ha!!! 👏🏻👏🏻

StuckInPollyannaMode · 30/11/2021 06:49

Oh you all do make me laugh!

I am beyond exhausted and have a permanent headache. They went yesterday morning, after rearranging one of my store cupboards so I can no longer reach the wine, and via a series of very negative and controlling tripe about Christmas, which I am just ignoring.

The wedding was lovely. I told my cousins about Mr NM - they were all absolutely delighted and have showered me with dinner invitations and effusive good wishes (might have been the booze!) but couldn’t have reacted more differently.

My parents still haven’t said a thing about him. So I haven’t breathed a word. They also can’t see anything wrong with my brother seeing Geller. I said in that case I wasn’t willing to discuss it as to me it is a massive breach of family loyalty.

Interestingly, Geller said to me that it was my SIL who had made contact with him. Hmmm.

How on earth is this handover going to work at Christmas? Either he comes here and my family will be all huggy and nice or I go there and will have to see the poisoned dwarf. Unless she hides. I can just SEE my DB asking him in for a bloody coffee.

Now. How, practically, do you go low contact? I’m going to have to do it. I’m beyond disappointed and need to lower my expectations massively. I need to protect myself and the girls and limit the input they all have into our lives.

OP posts:
ifchocolatewerrcelery · 30/11/2021 07:05

Delurking to say could you solve all your problems by getting BIL and SIL to drop the dollies off at Geller's as they leave never to return?

Newestname002 · 30/11/2021 07:36

@StuckInPollyannaMode

How, practically, do you go low contact?

I can only recall going LC with someone once - it was someone very close to me who had been at most unsupportive most of my life and at others physically abusive.

As I got older and more confident, and lived in my own space as far away as practicable, I just stopped responding or leaving as long as possible responding to his calls. I also had caller ID on my phone in his later years so I would screen, ignore and delete the messages.

If I had to be in his presence at a family event I'd stay as far away from him as possible and/or made polite, non-committal responses in conversations (grey rock, though I didn't know that then) until I could quietly withdraw.

I built a mental wall around myself until I didn't flinch if I had to speak to him, until the day he called wanting to reconcile, at long last, and I told him I wasn't interested. I never spoke with him again and felt much lighter after that. I don't miss him. 🌹

Mix56 · 30/11/2021 07:40

I would tell your family in advance, that Geller has not been inside your home, for very obvious reasons, he will not be setting foot inside your home, any continuing support for him, who you say they didn't really like beforehand apparently) can be orchestrated without your knowledge or participation.
He made you very unhappy for a very long time. He is not your friend.
Noone is to invite him in for any reason, if they do, they will all be leaving immediately & permanently.

Organise a hand over at a half way spot?

Blanca87 · 30/11/2021 07:46

Can you not just lose your sense of smell , evening time on the 23rd and have to cancel their visits until you get a pcr result. Which will be Boxing Day of course 😉

Mix56 · 30/11/2021 07:49

As for Low contact, yes to PP
Dont pick up their calls, dont reply, or only when you feel like it, be noncommittal.
Well I'll check my diary, (then dont, & dont reply.)
Useful phrases: Cant am busy
Dollies are invited to....
Too much on
We'll see, next school hols
No Im going to bf for Xmas
Never mind
No I cant
You'll need to ask brother
Etc

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/11/2021 08:20

Half way handover sound ideal if you have to have your parents and brother in your house at Christmas. Personally I'd be reversing the invite given his disloyalty.

Justilou1 · 30/11/2021 08:55

Well… Isn’t SIL a fucking shark? Tbh, I’d assume that DB is just chucking her under the bus. He’s in contact too.
WHY?
Why is your mum still all fucked up about Mr Schmexy?
There are sharks in these waters

goody2shooz · 30/11/2021 09:22

Surely nobody would be so rude as to invite Geller into YOUR home?? As a po suggested, ask your snakes of a b and sil to drop the dollies off as they leave, or at a halfway point. Tbh, I’d be very reluctant to have those parents or b and sil in my home ever again.

RandomMess · 30/11/2021 10:01

Perhaps the new variant means their trip will be cancelled!

You can drop the Dollies off. Put them on the doorstep ring the bell then walk away and observe from a distance where you can wave and go "bye girls have a nice time"

KosherDill · 30/11/2021 10:29

@ifchocolatewerrcelery

Delurking to say could you solve all your problems by getting BIL and SIL to drop the dollies off at Geller's as they leave never to return?
This is a good idea.
Mix56 · 30/11/2021 10:57

I dont think them dropping off the dollies is good for the girls, it mixes the boundaries.
Pollys family & G should be separate imo.
Also they cant drop off kids if they have more than 1 dc or car with more than 5 seats

TheSilveryPussycat · 30/11/2021 13:08

Have a look for the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, which is a support thread for people with toxic parents.

rainbowstardrops · 30/11/2021 13:53

@StuckInPollyannaMode I've followed your threads but have only just stumbled across this one as have been away for a bit but can you (or anyone) remind me who the Poisoned Dwarf is again please?!!!
You're doing grand by the way!!!