Page 9 | Husband and kids

pointythings · 26/10/2021 11:04

I'm glad you are starting to see how he has manipulated you. The fact that he was made to go to rehab means it is very likely to fail. I speak from experience - I made my late husband go to rehab for alcohol. I did it because I too wanted to give him a second chance (he was not half as bad as yours, but he was pretty bad) after coming up 25 years together.

And of course it failed. The difference is that I was emotionally prepared for that to happen and followed through on the choice I gave him, which was sobriety or divorce. It ended up being divorce and he died before the process was complete.

You're still deep in co-dependency, but you're still here listening to all the people who have come out and told you this man is not worth your time and effort. I admire you for that.

Please keep posting on here, please get support for yourself and please now start divorce proceedings.

MingeofDeath · 26/10/2021 11:49

Probation officer? What has he done?

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2021 11:50

@mommy1977

Thanks for all your posts. This has been a real eye opener. He has basically made the past 4 years a living hell for me and my kids. I think it's time to move on.

And please, please do not move anyone else in whilst your children are still at home.

Especially after such a short time.

What were you thinking?

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 13:26

@pointythings

I'm glad you are starting to see how he has manipulated you. The fact that he was made to go to rehab means it is very likely to fail. I speak from experience - I made my late husband go to rehab for alcohol. I did it because I too wanted to give him a second chance (he was not half as bad as yours, but he was pretty bad) after coming up 25 years together.

And of course it failed. The difference is that I was emotionally prepared for that to happen and followed through on the choice I gave him, which was sobriety or divorce. It ended up being divorce and he died before the process was complete.

You're still deep in co-dependency, but you're still here listening to all the people who have come out and told you this man is not worth your time and effort. I admire you for that.

Please keep posting on here, please get support for yourself and please now start divorce proceedings.

Thank you!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 13:36

I actually already have divorce papers filed. I just haven't signed them yet.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 26/10/2021 13:51

Can you name 10 rotten things he's done to you/kids over the past 4 years?
20 things?

greensunnyday · 26/10/2021 14:02

Poor kids.
I just can't understand women who do this. Put your children first!!
Don't move a man in while you have children still at home- especially one they don't want. Why did he move in so quickly when you have kids in the mix? Why marry so quickly? Just wait a bit- if you had maybe it would have become obvious he is an addict.
Accept some responsibility - you don't think you are putting them in danger but it sounds like they were in danger and you are definitely putting them at risk of mental health issues.
It's awful they even have to ask that he not move back -it shouldn't even be a consideration from what you've written. It must be so stressful for them.

pointythings · 26/10/2021 14:25

@mommy1977

I actually already have divorce papers filed. I just haven't signed them yet.

Get on and do it. Draw a line under this whole mess. Then get some therapy for yourself to improve your self esteem and help you make better choices in relationships. Being single really isn't the worst thing in the world - it will give you an opportunity to rebuild your relationships with your DC and support them at a time in their lives when they need it most.

Zebracat · 26/10/2021 14:53

I think you have been really brave to ask for the opinions of others. I’m sorry that some people have been harsh. You have bee n with this manipulative man for 5 years and it’s become second nature to you to think his needs are most important. It is that boiling frogs thing, you can’t see how outrageous he sounds because he’s been getting more outrageous through the years and you slowly got accustomed o his world view.
please please dont have him back, don’t give him another chance, end it cleanly and firmly and refuse to engage.and tell his Probation officer that you’ve ended it. I honestly think men like this should come with a warning tattooed on their foreheads.
And consider this. You will have time and energy to build real life relationships with nice people if you havent got fuckwit punching holes in your walls. Best of luck.

Zebracat · 26/10/2021 15:02

Because the saddest thing in your posts is that, like so many others, you have nobody else to talk to. That is a consequence of an abusive relationship. They isolate you, resent you spending time with others, even your kids let alone family or friends. Then you don’t want to anyway because it’s hard work keeping their secrets and pretending it’s all fine. Please try reaching out to family, old friends, work colleagues. And if you aren’t ready for that, try Women’s Aid. I think the more you tell your story, the more aware you will become that it wasn’t just the drugs. And it will help you get stronger.

Zebracat · 26/10/2021 15:03

Sorry, nearly 4 years ,not 5.

Ellieraincloud · 26/10/2021 16:22

@mommy1977

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

Maybe think about your children and don't have a violent drug abuser around them.

Daisy1988 · 26/10/2021 17:36

@mommy1977

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

He was violent and scared your kids, they are too frightened to have him back in the house. That's your answer, kids take priority over partners and you need to put them first. A few months clean is nothing and certainly wouldn't reassure me they had changed. If he's already out I'd be keeping it that way.

ScabbyHorse · 26/10/2021 17:47

I can't believe he was taking meth of all things for your whole marriage and you didn't realise.

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 18:14

@ScabbyHorse

I can't believe he was taking meth of all things for your whole marriage and you didn't realise.

I honestly had no idea. He hid it VERY well!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 18:17

@Zebracat

Because the saddest thing in your posts is that, like so many others, you have nobody else to talk to. That is a consequence of an abusive relationship. They isolate you, resent you spending time with others, even your kids let alone family or friends. Then you don’t want to anyway because it’s hard work keeping their secrets and pretending it’s all fine. Please try reaching out to family, old friends, work colleagues. And if you aren’t ready for that, try Women’s Aid. I think the more you tell your story, the more aware you will become that it wasn’t just the drugs. And it will help you get stronger.

Yes he didn't want me talking to anybody, especially about our relationship.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 18:24

What's the plan then OP?

You're going to tell him the relationship is over, sign the divorce papers and (alone obviously) sit your kids down and tell them you're so sorry that they lived with a scary man who you moved in too soon and that you promise that they are your absolute priority so they don't need to worry about you ever getting back together with him or moving anyone else in too soon again?

I think adult apologies can help kids more than the adult realises. They should know you're sorry for what they went through and that you won't let it happen again.

Then you need to follow through on those promises.

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 18:28

@youvegottenminuteslynn

What's the plan then OP?

You're going to tell him the relationship is over, sign the divorce papers and (alone obviously) sit your kids down and tell them you're so sorry that they lived with a scary man who you moved in too soon and that you promise that they are your absolute priority so they don't need to worry about you ever getting back together with him or moving anyone else in too soon again?

I think adult apologies can help kids more than the adult realises. They should know you're sorry for what they went through and that you won't let it happen again.

Then you need to follow through on those promises.

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 18:31

Are you kidding? Did you read my post you've just responded to?

Because my post centred your children, as you should be doing, but all you're concerned about is your husband.

It's really, really sad and unfortunately it sounds like you're going to let him back.

What do you say to that? You say no. You say no, I don't want you back our relationship is over.

A break up isn't something both parties have to agree to. You're allowed to break up with someone even if they don't want you to.

Seriously, how can you have responded to my post about your kids and building bridges with them and still be focusing on this man who SCARES them. They're frightened of him. And rightly so.

Daisy1988 · 26/10/2021 18:32

You say no. He's had all the chances you're willing to give him, your kids come first. Then tell him to sign the papers. It's your decision not his.

Original poster

mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 18:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Are you kidding? Did you read my post you've just responded to?

Because my post centred your children, as you should be doing, but all you're concerned about is your husband.

It's really, really sad and unfortunately it sounds like you're going to let him back.

What do you say to that? You say no. You say no, I don't want you back our relationship is over.

A break up isn't something both parties have to agree to. You're allowed to break up with someone even if they don't want you to.

Seriously, how can you have responded to my post about your kids and building bridges with them and still be focusing on this man who SCARES them. They're frightened of him. And rightly so.

No I understand your post and I am doing what I need to do for my kids. I'm keeping him away. I just don't know how to respond to some of the things he says to me.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 18:40

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

You say "you took drugs and were violent in the home we shared with my children. They are my priority and I can't trust you anymore. I wish you all the best for the future."

Shuffleuplove · 26/10/2021 18:41

Don’t respond at all. Cut it dead. No lingering calls, endless texts, wordy WhatsApp, nothing. Dead. Get out and stay out.

DrSbaitso · 26/10/2021 18:44

I just don't know how to respond to some of the things he says to me.

You don't owe him a response. You tell him it's over, he's not coming back and then you get on with the paperwork. You don't have to speak to him. Don't engage. He's trying to get you talking because then he can get round you once you're open to any sort of engagement.

He had no power that you don't give to him. You don't owe him anything at all. Just say what needs saying and click off. What he thinks isn't your problem.

pointythings · 26/10/2021 18:45

You tell him you're divorcing him, that the relationship is over and that you do not want any further contact with him. Then you let the process take its course and only respond to communications around the divorce.

There's a saying I learned in my support group for relatives of addicts: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

His problems, his feelings, his issues - are all his and not yours. You draw the line. Now.