Husband and kids

[mommy1977]

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

I just don't know how to respond to some of the things he says to me.

You don't have to respond. Tell him once that the relationship is over and you're filing for divorce. Then block him and do it.

I was hesitant to ask this as I didn't want it to come across as snarky because I promise it's not but do you have additional needs? I wonder if it's worth you contacting women's aid and asking if they can support you with some of this? Maybe with the legal side of things so you follow the correct process for divorce, organising some counselling, parenting courses or generally advocating for you during the next few months. You sound vulnerable and potentially unable to manage this process without support.

Your kids aren't running your life, they're asking their mother not to let a violent drug addict live with them.
4 months isn't long enough sober at all.
Drug addicts can turn their life around, but not in 4 months.
Tell him to get a decent job and get his own life stable and then you may consider it way down the line.
If you let him move back in your kids will resent you for it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I just don't know how to respond to some of the things he says to me.

You don't have to respond. Tell him once that the relationship is over and you're filing for divorce. Then block him and do it.

I was hesitant to ask this as I didn't want it to come across as snarky because I promise it's not but do you have additional needs? I wonder if it's worth you contacting women's aid and asking if they can support you with some of this? Maybe with the legal side of things so you follow the correct process for divorce, organising some counselling, parenting courses or generally advocating for you during the next few months. You sound vulnerable and potentially unable to manage this process without support.

I've already got legal aid. That's how I got the divorce papers done. Then he "talked" me into giving him another chance. I know, I'm stupid for doing it. He just makes me feel so guilty.

As you have already been advised.. you don't respond after you tell him you have signed the divorce papers. Then block him... everywhere. All communication through your solicitor.
And I agree about the apology to your kids.. let them see there is a line in the sand and you are making them your priority.. now and for the future.

He makes you feel guilty???...
As guilty as your kids will make you feel when they are old enough to articulate how this situation has made them feel???

@Bonbon21

He makes you feel guilty???... As guilty as your kids will make you feel when they are old enough to articulate how this situation has made them feel???

Yes he makes me feel guilty for not giving him a chance to change. He's very good at manipulating.

It’s true. You don’t have to justify your decision to him. You don’t have to give him another chance. He’s lied to you from the beginning , he’s frightened your kids and made your life hell. The drugs ,in his mind, and therefore in yours, have become an excuse for all of that. They aren’t. They’re another manifestation of his awfulness. Whatever you say and do , you know that what happens next will be your fault. It isn’t though. He’s an adult.
Just cut him off. Tell him it’s over. Block him. Do not engage. You have a responsibility to your children and to yourself. You owe him nothing.

Yes he makes me feel guilty for not giving him a chance to change. He's very good at manipulating.

He's had his chances and you're not his rehabilitation centre. Put your kids first. Don't engage.

I'm repeating myself here but tell him the relationship is over, block him, sign the divorce papers and (alone obviously) sit your kids down and tell them you're so sorry that they lived with a scary man who you moved in too soon and that you promise that they are your absolute priority so they don't need to worry about you ever getting back together with him or moving anyone else in too soon again.

I think adult apologies can help kids more than the adult realises. They should know you're sorry for what they went through and that you won't let it happen again.

Do you see that you need to apologise to them and reassure them as they must be feeling incredibly anxious and insecure?

You need to really repeat to yourself that for an addict, his addiction comes first, second and third. You are only on his list of priorities because he sees you as an enabler to his addiction, your children are a hindrance.
Everything is about his addiction, every single thing he says to you is to manipulate you to his will. You are confused because you love him and want something good to come of this. That is a dream you are holding on to. Grieve for the relationship you thought you had, it never existed.
If you can afford it , get some counselling and work on why you found him attractive and married him so quickly.
Do not engage with him at all. You can say you are not feeling it for him any more and want to move on. Then only communicate through your lawyer. Good luck, untangle yourself, one hook at a time.

Just read the whole thread op and it is clear that you find it very hard to say no or put your or your dcs needs first.

Please read back over this thread, all these women are clear that you are right to divorce and leave for good....There is a huge wealth of knowledge here, please listen.

Know this, he is not your boss
He is not in charge of what you do
He does not get to make you feel anything you don't chose to
You do not have to reply full stop
Understand you can disagree with someone and it won't always be resolved, this is fine.

In a nutshell STOP listening to him and start looking carefully at the future you want for your dcs first and yourself second.

Like others have said your DCs must never have someone in their home who scares them...EVER.

You have been brave to discuss here and hopefully will go from strength to strength without him

Still going on about the druggie? Not asking divorce tips, or how to parent kids you’ve traumatised?
This thread is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

@NowEvenBetter

Still going on about the druggie? Not asking divorce tips, or how to parent kids you’ve traumatised? This thread is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

My thoughts exactly, it reads like the OP is looking for people to justify taking him back. Do you not feel you, and your kids, deserve better than this OP?

If you really, really feel he deserves a chance I personally wouldn't be there we go. Tell him that he can live elsewhere indefinitely, date you and prove to all of you that he's a changed man, but over years not months.
Letting him back after four or so months is enabling his previous behaviour and completely disregarding your children's views.

On the off chance this isn't a wind up...

Just say NO! NO he can't move back in, or remain married to you, or ruin your & your children's lives any longer.

If you pick him now, I guarantee you will lose your children emotionally and probably physically, forever.

He is a deceitful conman and is messing with your head. Back away from him now and focus on your children. Do not doubt or look back.
Good luck.

@3luckystars

He is a deceitful conman and is messing with your head. Back away from him now and focus on your children. Do not doubt or look back. Good luck.

Thank you!

@NowEvenBetter

Still going on about the druggie? Not asking divorce tips, or how to parent kids you’ve traumatised? This thread is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.

I am focused on my children that's why I'm not letting him back in my house. Don't say that I'm not focused on my children. If I wasn't I would be letting him back in.

Don't say that I'm not focused on my children. If I wasn't I would be letting him back in.
If you were then you'd have split up with him rather than basically saying "but he doesn't want to so I can't."

@mommy1977

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

You put your kids first. You show them that violence isn't acceptable or tolerated. You ensure they feel safe in their own home. You don't pick him over them! I'm disgusted you have to ask the question.

Look all I wanted was some advice because I have nobody to talk to but him. All I know is what he crams into my head. I'm sorry people are disgusted that I asked this question but I wanted advice. Isn't that what this app is for??

OP, your attitude and your responses on this thread are very very strange. I’m having difficulty believing this is real. In the off chance that it is, I’m going to reiterate what has already been said:

• Block him
• File for divorce
• Focus on your children
• GET THERAPY!

‘He manipulates me and makes me feel bad’ isn’t a response to that. He can do neither of those things if he’s blocked.

‘How dare you, I am focused on my children’ also isn’t a response. If you were, this thread wouldn’t exist as you wouldn’t have entertained the idea of letting this creature back into your home and their lives. The idea that it was even a remote possibility wouldn’t even have occurred to you.

Every extra post you make reveals more information that makes it even more obvious you need to cut him off.

"4 years of hell' so regardless of the drugs he's be a rubbish boyfriend/husband?

As some PPs have said aside from not letting a man back who has lied to you since day 1, is violent, scares your children and hasn't made you happy you need to have some self respect and demonstrate that to your children! File the papers, change the locks, block his calls and reinstate the non mol order.

How would you feel if one of your kids was in a relationship like this? You'd be horrified and incredibly sad.

And yes, he will 100% relapse. RUN.

Entering rehab was suggested to him because of the charges when he broke into my house. I also had a restraining order on him at the time.

So he's only done it as an alternative to prison. That's not someone choosing to get clean. I've known people in that situation, they try to get drugs when they're let out alone towards the end, they drink endless energy drinks and strong coffees trying to give themselves a buzz. They're doing nothing more than biding their time until they get out and have no intention of quitting.

He says we are the adults so we get to make the choices.

And the choices you make should be in the best interests of the children. Having him there isn't. I'm glad for their sake you've filed for divorce.

He keeps telling me I should give him a chance and the kids should give him a chance.

He can say and think whatever he likes, doesn't make it true. You owe him nothing. The kids definitely owe him nothing.

He puts things in my head and he's so good at making me believe him.

Which is a very good reason to run far far away and never speak to him, or hear him out, ever again.

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

You say you disagree. Your views on your and your DC lives are more valid than his views on your and your DC lives. He gets to make choices about his own life. Other people get to make choices about theirs. You get to make choices about yours. You don't owe him an explanation for your views or choices, he doesn't have to understand your views or choices, he doesn't have to like those views or choices and he doesn't have to agree with them either. He can 100% believe you are wrong, he can think it's unfair, he can be angry about it or confused or upset, and you can still make those choices. You don't need his agreement or his understanding and you don't need to explain.

@Buggritbuggrit

OP, your attitude and your responses on this thread are very very strange. I’m having difficulty believing this is real. In the off chance that it is, I’m going to reiterate what has already been said:

• Block him
• File for divorce
• Focus on your children
• GET THERAPY!

‘He manipulates me and makes me feel bad’ isn’t a response to that. He can do neither of those things if he’s blocked.

‘How dare you, I am focused on my children’ also isn’t a response. If you were, this thread wouldn’t exist as you wouldn’t have entertained the idea of letting this creature back into your home and their lives. The idea that it was even a remote possibility wouldn’t even have occurred to you.

Probably is real. I've just been through all the OPs posts onghis thread. It reads like the messed up thought process of someone who's suffered emotional abuse and doesn't know which way is left/right/up or down because their abuser has been swearing "black" is "white" for years until they doubt themselves. It takes a while for people to recover and work out what's right and what's wrong.