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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 26/10/2021 07:18

Listen to your children
End of

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 26/10/2021 07:19

@user1471442488

Fucking hell. How are you even questioning this? Put your children first. Ffs how many times do women come in here desperate to keep shitty abusive men in their poor children lives.

If you take him back then you are a shit mother who puts her sex life before her children. Choose to be that, or don’t…..

Spot on
Ringonrighthand · 26/10/2021 07:27

OP, don’t forget if he lied to you all through your relationship and hid his drug use/abuse from you he’s probably lying now when he says he’s clean. If he cared for you and your children he wouldn’t be manipulating you in this way. Addicts unfortunately are generally selfish liars only looking out for their own interests. Please don’t consider having him back, your children are your priority.

pointythings · 26/10/2021 07:34

You shouldn't even leave the door open to him coming back. It shouldn't be an option at all.

latte101 · 26/10/2021 07:42

Just put your children first. Who is he to say don't let them run your life? I would be divorcing. He lied to you in the first place. Why are you even entertaining him coming back at some point? Your poor kids!

layladomino · 26/10/2021 07:44

This shouldn't be a big decision. The decision is:

Have the children be frighted and on eggshells, knowing you chose that for them / Pleasing the man who did drugs (and lied about it), was violent and is still manipulative. And who is quite likely to return to the drugs once he has his feet back under the table.
v
Putting your children first and keeping them safe

The very fact you are asking shows you aren't ready to be with this man again. He is manipulative and controlling by the sounds of it - and has almost convinced you that he should move back in - which means he would still have control if he moved in. This man frightened your children and yet he says you shouldn't let them run your life.... where is his remorse? His embarassement? What plans has he made to convince your DC he's sorry what he's done to them?

He sounds self-centred and manipulative and dishonest.

Your children don't like him. That should be reason enough to get rid.

IVFdreams2021 · 26/10/2021 07:46

You are showing your children that you choose a man over them. They should be the most important people in your life not a drug induced violent man!

bluebellYellow · 26/10/2021 07:51

Your children are scared of him! Take this as an opportunity to cut ties from him and keep you dc safe.

DrSbaitso · 26/10/2021 08:07

Your kids of course, even without the full back story that makes the bleeding obvious the absolute blindingly obvious.

pollyroo · 26/10/2021 08:22

I just can't believe that you are on here asking this when it should be blatantly obvious that in no terms should this man be in your home or your life ever HmmDue to how the kids feel.

I hope the kids dad steps up here & applies & gets custody leaving you free to get all the violent golden Willy that you crave,

What is wrong with you woman ?!

MingeofDeath · 26/10/2021 08:29

FFS woman. You've already made enough poor decisions by marrying someone you barely knew so quickly. Now is the chance to break that cycle. Put your kids first and divorce this knacker. I can't believe you are even asking this FFS.

NowEvenBetter · 26/10/2021 08:42

The fact that you even made this thread is a failing. Droning on about your scum husband, when the focus should solely be on your poor kids and getting them residency with a stable parent.

Itstimetoquit · 26/10/2021 08:42

Are you serious? He scared your children,stop putting your needs before there's,so selfish!

wombatspoopcubes · 26/10/2021 08:55

How would you feel about never seeing your children again? Because if you put them last (as you have done by moving someone in after 3 months, marrying after a year and not waited till you knew if it was a good person you gave access to your kids) there will come a time that they will refuse to have anything to do with you. They are teenagers, they know that you are putting your sex life before them. You find it more important to give this violent man a second chance instead of giving your childrens lives a second chance for a loving and peaceful home.

DrSbaitso · 26/10/2021 09:09

Since you've married this absolute wastrel, see a solicitor to secure your children's inheritance for them, not him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 09:24

I'm not saying I'm filing for divorce I'm just saying that I'm not putting them in danger. He's not coming back to the house anytime soon. Maybe never.

He'll be back by Christmas.

Your kids won't forget you letting them down again and as PP said when they are teenagers they'll leave you to it. They can be with their dad while you hang on to this absolute waster you've put before them.

It's so sad and must be so hurtful to them that this is even a difficult decision for you. Choosing your kids not feeling frightened should be a no brainer.

You're clearly not going to follow through with what you say if you aren't even divorcing him. As I said, he'll be back with his feet under the table by Christmas.

What a nice Christmas Day for your kids, with a man who they are scared of. Hopefully they'll be at their dads.

TicTac80 · 26/10/2021 09:34

I divorced XH because he prioritised alcohol and (I found out later) drugs over us. Please please OP, don’t have him back. Addicts will often relapse many times before actually getting/staying clean. And he doesn’t seem to give a shiny shit about the kids.

Also….does your husband actually WANT to get clean, or has rehab been “forced” upon him? My ex didn’t want to, not really. He just paid lip service to it. Took me 4/5yrs of trying everything to help him get sober, before I finally woke up and realised that he had to actually WANT to get clean/sober. I wish I filed for divorce years before.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 10:11

@TicTac80

I divorced XH because he prioritised alcohol and (I found out later) drugs over us. Please please OP, don’t have him back. Addicts will often relapse many times before actually getting/staying clean. And he doesn’t seem to give a shiny shit about the kids.

Also….does your husband actually WANT to get clean, or has rehab been “forced” upon him? My ex didn’t want to, not really. He just paid lip service to it. Took me 4/5yrs of trying everything to help him get sober, before I finally woke up and realised that he had to actually WANT to get clean/sober. I wish I filed for divorce years before.

He was basically forced to go by his probation officer.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 10:14

@layladomino

This shouldn't be a big decision. The decision is:

Have the children be frighted and on eggshells, knowing you chose that for them / Pleasing the man who did drugs (and lied about it), was violent and is still manipulative. And who is quite likely to return to the drugs once he has his feet back under the table.
v
Putting your children first and keeping them safe

The very fact you are asking shows you aren't ready to be with this man again. He is manipulative and controlling by the sounds of it - and has almost convinced you that he should move back in - which means he would still have control if he moved in. This man frightened your children and yet he says you shouldn't let them run your life.... where is his remorse? His embarassement? What plans has he made to convince your DC he's sorry what he's done to them?

He sounds self-centred and manipulative and dishonest.

Your children don't like him. That should be reason enough to get rid.

Thank you for your feedback. Yes he has been very dishonest and manipulative in the past. He keeps telling me I should give him a chance and the kids should give him a chance. He puts things in my head and he's so good at making me believe him. I have nobody else to talk to. That's why I'm on here asking for advice.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 10:15

@NowEvenBetter

The fact that you even made this thread is a failing. Droning on about your scum husband, when the focus should solely be on your poor kids and getting them residency with a stable parent.
I have nobody else to talk to. That's why I made this post.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 10:17

Thanks for all your posts. This has been a real eye opener. He has basically made the past 4 years a living hell for me and my kids. I think it's time to move on.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 26/10/2021 10:30

It really is time to move on. Does he spark joy? No. Bin the bastard.

girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 10:34

Thank you for your feedback. Yes he has been very dishonest and manipulative in the past. He keeps telling me I should give him a chance and the kids should give him a chance. He puts things in my head and he's so good at making me believe him. I have nobody else to talk to. That's why I'm on here asking for advice.

Oh OP, he's still being manipulative. Hopefully this will help you see that it wasn't the drugs making him this way, it's who he really is.

I'm glad this thread has helped open your eyes.

You'll thank yourself for letting him go soon enough Thanks

specialsauce · 26/10/2021 10:36

Yes. Think how great you will feel when you see your children start to relax and thrive. This is their time with you.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/10/2021 10:47

Op you need to block him and go no contact. He is messing with your head and you are not thinking clearly.
The chances of you having a relationship with your children when they are adults and any future grandchildren are virtually nil if you let this man back into your life
He was using the entire time you were together. He needs to be clean for at least that same amount of time before you can have any faith that he is clean for good. Just let him go and focus on your kids.