Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 25/10/2021 21:36

He's actually only been clean for like 2 months. I don't know where the 4 months came from.

Then he ain't nowhere near clean.

Listen to your kids. Sounds like they actually have good heads on their shoulders. And I think they're trying to look out for you, as much as for themselves, because they worry about your ability to make good decisions.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 21:39

Both adults yes but you have decisions to make for more than just your own well being.. Sadly imo you married a man you barely knew... He was already committed to drugs.

specialsauce · 25/10/2021 21:39

Sorry for misreading 'ruin'!

I hope you decide to look after your children and help them thrive and get over what they've already been through.

pointythings · 25/10/2021 21:41

Oh OP, he's done a number on you, hasn't he? Firstly, he is not your DC's parent so there's no we to make the decisions. There's really only you - and you need to put your DC first, above him.

Secondly - I really need to reiterate that you need help and support too. read this link - it describes you to a T. You need to overcome your codependency and become your own person again.

stillonthattightrope · 25/10/2021 21:44

I don't think you should even consider seeing him until he has been clean for a long time. Honestly, I'm all for giving people the chance to change their lives and will be their biggest cheerleader. I wouldn't have a relationship with an addict though, not unless they have been clean for many many years.

It's just too risky and I don't think I could cope with the worry especially not with kids at home.

stillonthattightrope · 25/10/2021 21:47

He's lied to you for the whole of your relationship. He'll be very good at that. He's potentially had drugs in your home and around your kids.

He's so so early in his recovery and I'm sorry but there's every chance he will relapse at this stage. I really really hope he doesn't but it often takes many tries to get off drugs and alcohol.

It's very sad but please hold your boundaries and keep your family safe and well.

Littlepaws18 · 25/10/2021 22:00

No no no and NO! Your Children's safety comes first every single time. Every single time. This man used drugs and was violent in your home. This is not second chance territory. Your children are telling you he's frightening, they are telling you they hate him and for good reason. Don't be that pathetic weak woman who puts her own feelings ahead of the well being of their children. If you do, you deserve the consequences.

Littlepaws18 · 25/10/2021 22:01

But your children do not deserve the consequences!

Littlepaws18 · 25/10/2021 22:05

Put yourself in their shoes, can you imagine living in a home with an adult who is unpredictable, violent, scary, frightening to them. Imagine how this will impact their mental health, future trust of adults and men, the impact of what they could potentially witness. It's more than not fair, if you bring him into your home again social services should be involved.

AaalrightyThen · 25/10/2021 22:07

I don't think you should give him a second chance. Apart from the fact that you need to put your children's safety and well-being first, and show them that you are listening to them, how can you trust this man? He lied to you for years. Two months off the drugs is surely no time at all.
Plus did you not know he was off his face half the time? And he must have had no money? Was he stealing? Was he working? Can you even trust your own judgement after having the wool pulled over your eyes for all that time?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 22:10

Plus did you not know he was off his face half the time? And he must have had no money? Was he stealing? Was he working?

I wondered this too.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 22:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Plus did you not know he was off his face half the time? And he must have had no money? Was he stealing? Was he working?

I wondered this too.

Obviously I couldn't tell he was on drugs or else I would have done something about it. No he wasn't stealing, he had a very good job.
OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 22:40

Obviously I couldn't tell he was on drugs or else I would have done something about it.
Would you though? As you started this thread Annoyed your children didn't want your violent, meth addict husband moving back in to their house after being clean for two months.

Do you work?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 22:43

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Obviously I couldn't tell he was on drugs or else I would have done something about it. Would you though? As you started this thread Annoyed your children didn't want your violent, meth addict husband moving back in to their house after being clean for two months.

Do you work?

Yes I would have. I made him move out like almost 6 months ago because of his mom but I had no idea he was on drugs yes I work two jobs.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 22:44

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Obviously I couldn't tell he was on drugs or else I would have done something about it. Would you though? As you started this thread Annoyed your children didn't want your violent, meth addict husband moving back in to their house after being clean for two months.

Do you work?

I made him move out because of his violence not his mom. Sorry.
OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 22:45

Well, he was still violent and is still an addict. Nothing has changed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 22:46

OP.

Well if you love your kids more, end your relationship with a man they are scared of.

Imagine being one of your kids. Imagine how it feels being scared of your mum moving back in a man who is violent and scary and was on drugs the entire time he lived with you.

Would you ever trust your mum again if she moved him back in? Would you feel she had your best interests at heart? That she loved you more than the man in question? I wouldn't.

thenewduchessofhastings · 25/10/2021 22:52

You do know your children's father could easily go for full custody of your kids if you allow your DH back into your home?

It doesn't matter if he's clean and sober;his actions have traumatised your children and they are frightened of him.

All your children has to do is tell a teacher at school what's happened and social services will be on your doorstep and your children will end up on the at risk register.

Do you actually understand the gravity of your situation;you could actually lose your kids.

First and foremost you are their parent and your responsibility is to safeguard them.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 23:04

@thenewduchessofhastings

You do know your children's father could easily go for full custody of your kids if you allow your DH back into your home?

It doesn't matter if he's clean and sober;his actions have traumatised your children and they are frightened of him.

All your children has to do is tell a teacher at school what's happened and social services will be on your doorstep and your children will end up on the at risk register.

Do you actually understand the gravity of your situation;you could actually lose your kids.

First and foremost you are their parent and your responsibility is to safeguard them.

I know this. I'm not putting my kids in danger.
OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 23:08

I know this. I'm not putting my kids in danger.

So youre not getting back with him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 23:17

I know this. I'm not putting my kids in danger.

So you are filing for divorce and you're not considering getting back together or living with him again?

TacCat49 · 25/10/2021 23:29

You say he's been on drugs since the age of 16 so you will find that his maturity level hasn't progressed much from then. He has learnt how to be deceptive so don't believe for a moment that all this is behind him. You have taken a real beating with most of the replies and rightly so. You seem to be unaware of the dynamics of drug addiction whereas it's only part of a very huge picture. How about seeking the advice of Narcotics Anonymous and learn more about the subject?

heyday · 25/10/2021 23:31

Move this man in and your kids will probably then stay with their dad full time....for goodness sake i can't believe you would even be considering it.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 26/10/2021 00:00

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I know this. I'm not putting my kids in danger.

So you are filing for divorce and you're not considering getting back together or living with him again?

I'm not saying I'm filing for divorce I'm just saying that I'm not putting them in danger. He's not coming back to the house anytime soon. Maybe never.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/10/2021 07:16

I know this. I'm not putting my kids in danger.

How many times was he violent before rehab? You don't go to rehab for one violent episode.

Who was he violent towards?

Even if he's not coming back into the house yet, which I don't believe for a second, they'll be in danger psychologically even if not physically.

Swipe left for the next trending thread