Husband and kids

[mommy1977]

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

If he really thinks he has done nothing wrong, then he has not learned anything in rehab. He has not changed in rehab. He has failed to address his issues in rehab.

He has used drugs in secret for the entirety of your marriage. He did not tell you he had been a drug addict from the age of 16.

And he thinks he has done nothing wrong? There is no hope for him. None at all.

If he really thinks he has done nothing wrong, then he has not learned anything in rehab. He has not changed in rehab. He has failed to address his issues in rehab.

This. He can't even be arsed to fake grovel. That's how little he thinks of you and how stupid he thinks you are.

Prove him wrong. Tell him it's over. Block him. File for divorce. Tell his family you won't be able to speak to them for the foreseeable (because they'll want you to have him back so he's not their problem). Apologise to your kids. Reassure them he will never be back.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If he really thinks he has done nothing wrong, then he has not learned anything in rehab. He has not changed in rehab. He has failed to address his issues in rehab.

This. He can't even be arsed to fake grovel. That's how little he thinks of you and how stupid he thinks you are.

Prove him wrong. Tell him it's over. Block him. File for divorce. Tell his family you won't be able to speak to them for the foreseeable (because they'll want you to have him back so he's not their problem). Apologise to your kids. Reassure them he will never be back.

No he knows he's done things wrong he just doesn't think it's as bad as everybody makes it out to be.

No he knows he's done things wrong he just doesn't think it's as bad as everybody makes it out to be.

Well then he's a fucking idiot as well as a prick.

Didn't scare his bosses did he? Or his mates?

Just a clearly vulnerable woman and her children in their own home. He's a pathetic coward who will hurt you again if he comes back. In fact, it's likely to escalate violence wise as he would then know you'll put him above even your kids.

He CHOSE you. He didn't choose you because he loved you. Users like him don't do that. He chose you because you're vulnerable and because he knew he could control, confuse and coerce you.

And you're still letting him do it despite the fact your children are now living in fear he might come back.

You've again ignored the part of my post with practical advice about you and your children, instead defending this absolute arsehole.

So here it is again:

Prove him wrong. Tell him it's over. Block him. File for divorce. Tell his family you won't be able to speak to them for the foreseeable (because they'll want you to have him back so he's not their problem). Apologise to your kids. Reassure them he will never be back.

And follow through.

If you can't do everything on that list I genuinely think it's best your kids stay with their dad full time until you get your situation sorted. Because you sound so, so, so likely to give in to him.

Tell him it's over, you're filing for divorce and you won't be speaking again unless it's through solicitors, you'll consider further direct contact harassment and will report it to the police accordingly then block the fucker. And follow through. If he can't talk to you then he can't persuade you or confuse you.

It doesn't sound like you want it to be over and that makes me frightened for your poor kids. All the shit already going on in the news at the moment making the world a scary place, covid fucking their lives up for two years, this man 'making their life hell' (your words) for four years and now they can't even trust their mum not to get back together with him.

Wise up, choose them. Stop obsessing over the man who could make your children cut you off when they are older.

OP, no matter how much he minimizes his actions to manipulate you, you know the truth. Throwing things, punching holes in the wall, and traumatizing children is wrong, wrong, wrong. These are violent acts in a toxic home, which damages your children and sets them up for a dysfunctional future. He chose to terrorize all of you.

Please don’t betray your children by bringing this violent, controlling addict to their home ever again. Use your agency and fortitude and stop listening to him and his family. Stop talking to him and giving him opportunities to manipulate you. Cut him off with ‘We are over’ and if he shows up at the door, call the police.

@mommy1977

So the reason I was thinking it was a decision was because he doesn't really think he has done anything wrong. I mean he knows he's done things wrong but he's never actually hit anybody and so that makes it not quite as bad in his eyes. That's what he puts in my head so that's what I start to believe.

So on one hand he's telling you he's changed and become a better person, and on the other he doesn't acknowledge his faults take any responsibility. I'm sorry but it's not possible that he has changed unless he has worked on his issues, and while he's denying they exist that hasn't happened. Block him, don't engage in a discussion, if you're scared of him talk to someone and leave if you need to. He only wants you back to look after him so he can leach off you, it's what addicts do and I've been there, trust me don't be fooled.

How long had he been a drug user in the 4 years you were with him? How long had he been using drugs before the violent episodes? How long did YOU know he was using and still allowed the children to live you while they became more afraid? I am surprised that their biological father didn't report this situation to the Social Services. The way you have written this smacks more of what you and your current husband want and not what your children need! Were you not scared when he became belligerent and violent? Did you not think that your children need someone on their side to listen and to protect them? If you take him back and your children decide they want to stay with their dad permanently are you prepared to suffer that loss? Are you prepared to lose contact and communication with your children because they will know that you chose him over them? You have too much to lose!

www.props.org.uk support family members of drug abusers. There may be a local one near you. I've found them very knowledgeable, non-judgemental and kind. If you're stuck for someone to talk to irl I recommend them.

Not sure if it's been said but you don't need a justification to leave him. Even if he hadn't been violent, even if he hadn't been on drugs, even if your children loved him. He doesn't have a right to be with you unless you can give him a suitable reason that he agrees with that you should split up.

You don't need to convince him that he was in the wrong (or even yourself)

You can just tell him it's over, for multiple reasons and you don't want to have a debate about it. It's how you feel and what's happening. It only takes one person to end a relationship

@mommy1977

It's just going to be so hard because I've gotten so close to his family during all this. I know what I've got to do for myself and my kids. It's just not going to be easy. He's going to lose it if I tell him it's over!

If he kicks off then he has not changed has he ? You know deep down that you can't suddenly become a non-abusive person who doesn't take drugs.

Major red flags that he is minimizing what he's doing. May I suggest you write down some of the things that your kids saw and have said so you can remind yourself how nasty he is ? You only need to write down what happened (facts not excuses)

When he's pressuring you and minimizing his behaviour you will have something to help you stay strong. It's unforgivable that someone scared your children so deeply. You don't seem as concerned about protecting yourself but please do it for the kids. They are not trying to run your life. They are telling you how they feel so please keep them safe

Please look into going to a support group for families of addicts.

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

How long had he been a drug user in the 4 years you were with him? How long had he been using drugs before the violent episodes? How long did YOU know he was using and still allowed the children to live you while they became more afraid? I am surprised that their biological father didn't report this situation to the Social Services. The way you have written this smacks more of what you and your current husband want and not what your children need! Were you not scared when he became belligerent and violent? Did you not think that your children need someone on their side to listen and to protect them? If you take him back and your children decide they want to stay with their dad permanently are you prepared to suffer that loss? Are you prepared to lose contact and communication with your children because they will know that you chose him over them? You have too much to lose!

I didn't find out he was on drugs until a month and a half ago. By that time, he had been out of my house for about 4 months. I made him leave because my daughter refused to come back while he was there because he scared her.

I made him leave because my daughter refused to come back while he was there because he scared her.

I've repeated myself on this thread but fuck me, it's heartbreaking your daughter said this and you are still saying 'but he said he's changed' etc.

I'm copying and pasting again as I'm not sure it's getting through to you but it's really, really important that it does. For your kids' sakes...

Prove him wrong. Tell him it's over. Block him. File for divorce. Tell his family you won't be able to speak to them for the foreseeable (because they'll want you to have him back so he's not their problem). Apologise to your kids. Reassure them he will never be back.

And follow through.

If you can't do everything on that list I genuinely think it's best your kids stay with their dad full time until you get your situation sorted. Because you sound so, so, so likely to give in to him.

Tell him it's over, you're filing for divorce and you won't be speaking again unless it's through solicitors, you'll consider further direct contact harassment and will report it to the police accordingly then block the fucker. And follow through. If he can't talk to you then he can't persuade you or confuse you.

What's your parents relationship like?
You were very lucky that your dd agreed to move back in. She trusted you to do the right thing and if you want her to stay then you need to do the right thing -even though you fear he'll kick off.

Time to take control. I know it's going to be hard but it won't be as hard as if he returns

@mommy1977

It's just going to be so hard because I've gotten so close to his family during all this. I know what I've got to do for myself and my kids. It's just not going to be easy. He's going to lose it if I tell him it's over!

Sign and send the divorce papers and change your locks

Don't you mean 'when I tell him' not 'if', do not waiver on this, it will cost you dearly

I made him leave because my daughter refused to come back while he was there because he scared her.
Why didnt you make him leave because he scared your daughter?

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

I made him leave because my daughter refused to come back while he was there because he scared her. Why didnt you make him leave because he scared your daughter?

I tried to make him leave and he wouldn't.

Why do you want him to move back in then?

Did you tell him that he can't because of the kids? In which case you need to start telling him that it's you who doesn't want him to move back in and your kids aren't trying to run anything

It's really sad that you're even considering putting this man before your children.

OP, this man is a manipulative abuser. He wants everything his own way. Not because of the drugs, or anyone else’s behaviour, but because he has learned how to twist people, minimise the harm he has done, and get other people to take responsibility for him. The drugs are a red herring. Don’t blame that, blame the man.

He didn’t need to actually hit you because he had already got you scared by breaking things. Like he didn’t actually need to physically hurt your children. They were already scared of him.

Im guessing he manipulated you into moving into your house after 3 months. He will have love bombed you and promised you the world.

He is still manipulative. You ‘owe it’ to him to give him another chance? Really? No you don’t. He has lied to you for as long as you’ve known him.

You owe it to yourself and your children to get him out of your lives. Sign those divorce papers and don’t get drawn into any contact or conversations. Go ‘grey rock’. Be dull and unemotional if you see him. Give him nothing to grab onto.
Look into doing The Freedom program.

He said he thinks, he did, he will, he, him, he, he. 🙄
F.o.c.u.s. O.n. Y.o.u.r. T.r.a.u.m.a.t.I.s.e.d. K.I.d.s.
Why is this not sinking in, at all? Excruciating.

Do you want to split with him?
Are you scared how he will react?
You need to be safe if/when you do tell him.
If you don't tell him, do you want all this to be the rest of your life? Because his psyche is not going to change.

I tried to make him leave and he wouldn’t.

He’s a thug who scared your daughter and refused to leave the house. Do you understand the far-reaching ramifications of children being terrorized in their own home? Why on earth would you even give him the time of day now?

You can do this. Shut him down. Block. Divorce.

This can't be real. Your poor kids. Your fucking children, for god's sake, what is wrong with you?!!!!!!