Husband and kids

[mommy1977]

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

Block him
Sign the divorce papers
He's a violent drug abuser and your kids hate him.
That's the only thing you need to know.
Block him so he can't manipulate you anymore.

@InPraiseOfLadyGrey That’s fair. Possibly I don’t want to believe it can be real, because it’s so baffling to me. ‘Messed up thought process’ covers it pretty exactly.

Hopefully she can take the responses here on board.

@buggritbuggrit my first thought on reading the first post was same as yours. It's awful what these abusers can do to people's minds.

[quote Buggritbuggrit]@InPraiseOfLadyGrey That’s fair. Possibly I don’t want to believe it can be real, because it’s so baffling to me. ‘Messed up thought process’ covers it pretty exactly.

Hopefully she can take the responses here on board.[/quote]
Thank you "InPraiseOfLadyGrey", you're exactly right! I don't know what to think anymore.

[quote InPraiseOfLadyGrey]@buggritbuggrit my first thought on reading the first post was same as yours. It's awful what these abusers can do to people's minds.[/quote]
Exactly!! My head is so messed up at the moment. It's really hard to think and make the right decisions. People think it's so easy to just do the right thing but when someone has filled your head with something for so many years, sometimes it is not easy to do so.

@mommy1977 No matter what this man tells you, your children should be your priority. Please keep sight of that. Having him in your life would be to their detriment. It would also clearly be to your detriment. So, he needs to not be in your life.

Having read the unanimous responses you’ve received here, are you clearer in your mind with regards to what needs to be done?

He keeps telling me I should give him a chance and the kids should give him a chance. He puts things in my head and he’s so good at making me believe him.

OP, this man married you under false pretenses and has had 4 years of chances. He is a DANGER to you and your children. You must cut him off now. Sign the papers and seek counseling.

VIOLENT
FRIGHTENED YOUR CHILDREN
BROKE INTO YOUR HOME
DRUG ADDICT since age 16
FORCED INTO REHAB
WILL VERY LIKELY RETURN TO DRUGS AND VIOLENCE
DISHONEST
CONTROLLING

ALLOWING HIM BACK = ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN

What to say ——> WE ARE OVER.

Why? Why? Why does he deserve another chance? He fucked up. And this isn’t “that one thing that happened that one night” this is a series of events, all chosen. A pattern of behaviour, all chosen, by him.

Addiction is a terrible tragic thing but there IS an element of choice in it and that’s something that your kids don’t have.

OP you need to cut him loose.

OP, I can feel your distress and it sounds too that you have been a victim of this awful man. He's hurt and traumatised you along with your children. Some real life support would help. I recommend women's aid and also the Freedom Programme.

People here are giving you permission to no longer be responsible for him at in any way. His housing, emotional needs and wish for support from you do not trump your wishes to put your kids and you First

He is an expert manipulator so the safest way to exit this marriage is to tell him it's over, file for divorce and have no further contact at all with him. Talking to him just gives him more opportunities to lie, wheedle and guilt you into doing stuff he wants.

You will get stronger, your kids will be your whole focus and hopefully begin to regain trust in you and begin their recovery too. You can do this, keep posting and get more support from MN.

Hi OP. No judgement from me. You know what you have to do and just need someone to talk to. You do sound beaten down.
Is life easier now without him? Are you less stressed? Not walking on egg shells anymore?
Just remember how frightened you were when you called the cops and keep talking to us.
Have you done "The Freedom Programme"?

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

Please understand that he is VIOLENT. He is ALSO a drug user. The fact that he isn't taking drugs right now does not change the fact that he is VIOLENT. Most violent men do not take drugs anyway, they are violent because they are fucked up arseholes.

Even if he stays off drugs (he won't) he will still be VIOLENT.

You say he took drugs throughout your relationship but that nevertheless he held down a good job. So, he wasn't VIOLENT towards his boss or work colleagues, was he?

No. He was only VIOLENT towards you and your children. He CHOSE to be VIOLENT to you. So it wasn't the drugs at all, was it? He was VIOLENT because he is a dangerous, abusive arsehole.

You lived with a man being VIOLENT to your children when according to you, you didn't even know about the drugs. How did you excuse it away then?

Do NOT buy into his utter lie that 'drugs made him do it' or that anything has changed.

@Haffiana

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

Please understand that he is VIOLENT. He is ALSO a drug user. The fact that he isn't taking drugs right now does not change the fact that he is VIOLENT. Most violent men do not take drugs anyway, they are violent because they are fucked up arseholes.

Even if he stays off drugs (he won't) he will still be VIOLENT.

You say he took drugs throughout your relationship but that nevertheless he held down a good job. So, he wasn't VIOLENT towards his boss or work colleagues, was he?

No. He was only VIOLENT towards you and your children. He CHOSE to be VIOLENT to you. So it wasn't the drugs at all, was it? He was VIOLENT because he is a dangerous, abusive arsehole.

You lived with a man being VIOLENT to your children when according to you, you didn't even know about the drugs. How did you excuse it away then?

Do NOT buy into his utter lie that 'drugs made him do it' or that anything has changed.

You know what?? I never thought about that. He WASN'T violent at work. It was just me!!! OMG!! That's an eye opener!!

@Haffiana

He keeps telling me I need to give him a chance because he's never been to rehab before and he is clean and things will be different. What do I say to that??

Please understand that he is VIOLENT. He is ALSO a drug user. The fact that he isn't taking drugs right now does not change the fact that he is VIOLENT. Most violent men do not take drugs anyway, they are violent because they are fucked up arseholes.

Even if he stays off drugs (he won't) he will still be VIOLENT.

You say he took drugs throughout your relationship but that nevertheless he held down a good job. So, he wasn't VIOLENT towards his boss or work colleagues, was he?

No. He was only VIOLENT towards you and your children. He CHOSE to be VIOLENT to you. So it wasn't the drugs at all, was it? He was VIOLENT because he is a dangerous, abusive arsehole.

You lived with a man being VIOLENT to your children when according to you, you didn't even know about the drugs. How did you excuse it away then?

Do NOT buy into his utter lie that 'drugs made him do it' or that anything has changed.

I just blamed it on us being in arguments.

Oh OP, you really need to do the Freedom Programme. You'll learn so much about not internalising blame when a relationship isn't working.

I think you're being manipulated again.

I don't know if this is a TV "thing" but aren't addicts told not to enter relationships after rehab/recovery for a year ? Presumably it's easier to work on yourself outside the relationship and it takes a year to know if the new life has a good chance of being permanent? Is he attending a support group like Narcoticw Anonymous?

In your shoes a major hurdle would be that I didn't have a clue that he was an addict and that could have been dangerous for my kids. I would be attending a support group for families of addicts and arming myself with practical information so that this could not happen in future relationships.

You're placing a worrying amount of trust in his words. He can't know if rehab has worked yet. He's going to have a lifetime struggle not to go back there and I know addicts who wouldn't say they were "cured" even though it's been years since they had a drink.

You don't owe him a chance. It's perfectly ok to divorce for this reason. Quite frankly if you get back with him then don't be surprised if your boys want to live with their Dad permanently. Your husband is a nasty piece of work and you need to protect your kids. If I was your ex and you reconciled with your h I would be calling Social Services and not returning the kids. They are not safe with your h and you'd be a fool to get back with him. I realise that part of you would like him to come back, pretend nothing happened and live happily ever after but recovery from addiction isn't like flicking a switch. Your sons deserve the best and so do you.

Major red flags that he was forced into rehab rather than wanted to go.

He should be apologizing right now and not manipulating (abusing) you again.

I've not read the entire thread but surely this boils down to him or your kids, which would you pick?? Because honestly if you even think about having him back your kids will be gone, if not today then as soon as they can. If I was in their shoes and you had him back I would find it unforgiveable, not because I'm a manipulative child but because I could not fathom under what circumstances that decision would be acceptable. Pick yourself and your kids and don't even feel you owe him an explanation, his behaviour is explanation enough.

You start off by saying 'I have a big decision to make' but actually it is a very simple decision, end of.

He comes home from rehab tomorrow....

@mommy1977

He comes home from rehab tomorrow....

What does that mean? He comes home to you?

He is absolutely not coming to my house. I just meant he's getting out tomorrow. He'll be going to his moms house.

It's just going to be so hard because I've gotten so close to his family during all this. I know what I've got to do for myself and my kids. It's just not going to be easy. He's going to lose it if I tell him it's over!

He's going to lose it if I tell him it's over!
So still fear. Still the threat of violence. This is him. It isnt drugs.

Put your children first.

So the reason I was thinking it was a decision was because he doesn't really think he has done anything wrong. I mean he knows he's done things wrong but he's never actually hit anybody and so that makes it not quite as bad in his eyes. That's what he puts in my head so that's what I start to believe.