Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

Thanks Yearonebesties I didn't feel pressurised from my siblings... If they wanted to talk to me about the situation like grown ups then they could of done but they've decided to take this route, so they can fuck off now.

I felt pressurised because we don't know how long mum has left, & I think I made the right decision.

I decided to do it, text their dad, got us ready etc then we got in the car & they said 'Where are we going?' & I realised I'd forgotten to tell them! But they were soooo exited to see nanny when I told them & I thought 'Thats what you are doing it for'.
I said to their dad 'I didn't know what to do for the best' & he said 'This is the right thing. Look at them'.

Your children will come to no harm while you are with them. Your mum should come before your hatred for this man.

To be honest, I think that you have stewed over this for so long that this man (and yes he did something despicable) had become some kind of ogre in your head.
ABSOLUTELY your kids should NEVER be alone with him. But I don't really understand why your mother and your children have been deprived of a relationship for all these years..

Your refusal to bend in her final months or weeks is something that I can understand your siblings finding hard. They see her being upset at the point when they are about to lose her, and for no practical reason. Her OH cannot hurt them. You'll be there. So they don't understand why you would hurt her at this time.

Yes, they're being unpleasant, but you are also being intransigent. What is clear though is that it's your mum that's suffering because of it.

@Yearonebesties

I’m so sorry you felt pressured into putting your children in that position.

Her children weren't put in a 'position'. They were excited to see their granny. They had a visit to her. They know nothing about her OH or his past.

saraclara I haven't deprived my mum of a relationship with my children at all. Ever. That isn't true.

@saraclara people have different levels of tolerance to risk. OP wanting to ensure her children and the sex offender her mother took as a partner never meet is not an unreasonable way to deal with the risk. If you read her past posts you’ll see she regularly tried to organize contact between her children and her mother outside the home without the presence of the problem partner. This man is nothing to her or her kids so why the fuck would she want to take the risk?

@saraclara they are children who were put in the presence of a sex offender. What else would you call it?
Everyone makes their own decisions about their own children and risk.
It’s awful this may be op’s mums last Christmas, but equally, she’s chosen not to see her grandchildren over however many years it’s been, and has repeatedly chosen a sex offender (and a ‘significant’ (for want of a better phrase) one at that, to have served eight years by the way - I work in this field) over them. Op has had understandable boundaries to protect her children this whole time.
It is glib to say ‘he can’t hurt them if you’re there’. Many of us would not countenance having our children in the same room, having them in his eye line, letting him speak to them etc.

Thanks Changelingbutonlyforme. That's it. Outside the home, away from him. As I've said, he hasn't sold himself to me. Take away 'what he did' & he STILL isn't a nice person. There is a Christmas activity Specific to our town that I always did as a child & I asked mum if she wanted to come & do it with us just before Christmas, & (to my surprise) she did, & it was lovely. So it's hardly as if they never see her anyway.

Thanks Yearonebesties.That is exactly it. The police woman specifically said to me 'Your mum goes to use the toilet or goes to make a cup of tea & he is left with them' I haven't made that up. My siblings have decided to take the risk. I haven't & I'm allowed to make that choice too.
If I visit somebody's house with my children I don't (apart from the other day!) Keep them with me. They can go & play in the next room/garden if the doors open & we can see, use the toilet etc. (As long as the person we are visiting says it's ok of course) so he would have access to them, & something could happen in minutes.

I imagine this thread is a frustrating read for some as they are either on the 'Just stay away from your mum now. She made her choice' camp. Or the 'Why aren't you letting your kids see your mum?! What's wrong with you?!' camp. But, at the end of the day, I didn't ask for this situation either. It tears at my heart & I wish more than anything that things could be normal. But they aren't. Things change, & I'm doing my best to deal with the situation now.

Hi all. It's coming up to that difficult time again... (Birthdays/Christmas)

Anybody got any wise words to help me through it?!

Since I last posted things have been extremely strained between myself & sis. She's txt on the odd occasion & I've given her a few words of response.

Mums health is worse although we are still managing to meet, we met up once in the summer holidays & once since. And I still go round there when the kids are at school.

i was on your thread before under a different name @PoppleZopple
i appreciate it’s probably of little comfort but you are doing the right thing for your children, and as much as I know it hurts, that is obviously the most important thing. Well done for staying strong, some wouldn’t. Your children will have you to thank for their safety in future.
you’re a good mum.

Thanks Justanotherlittlename, it's really kind of you to post some kind words again.

I'm always wary of re-starting the thread for obvious reasons, but at the same time I feel like I need it as a little support network.

It's so lonely dealing with this. Honestly, some days it feels like this thing is affecting every single part of my life & I still daren't tell anybody

My oldest is having some trouble (nothing to do with this) & my mum keeps saying 'Why don't you let him stay at mine for a few nights? He just needs some time with his nanny'

Like she doesn't know the reason why.

I know it's probably cold comfort, OP, but I really admire your strength in keeping these boundaries to protect your kids. I'm only sorry its coming at such a great personal cost to you. Its truly worth it though. I could only hope I would put my kids first like you have here. Holidays are always the hardest.

Thank you Eatingjumper. I know what you mean but it does help a little. I don't feel strong. I feel weak. If I was strong then I'd be able to tell everybody where to go, when they made a comment about me being nasty to my mum for 'No reason'.

So, I managed to get through the birthday celebrations relatively unscathed. (Huge sigh of relief!) Several mentions of future celebrations & 'I know you won't bring your kids/I wish you would/I wish it were different/it's not even worth asking if your kids will come, is it?' etc but I managed to ignore. That was all from my mum.

Comment from my oldest as my little one opened her birthday card that my sis had put through the door... 'She won't know who that's from as we never see her'... Ouch. That stung. But it's true.

Christmas next.

What a relief! it sounds like it went as well as it could, in the circumstances. You are right, you really are.

Thank you ReleaseTheDucks

Keep going @PoppleZopple you’ve got this 💪🏻

Thank you Cmsquestions.

My mum was in full-on guilt trip mode when I saw her today, apparently my bro has told her that he will take his kid to hers on boxing day but if my kids aren't there then they will just pop in as there's no point if we aren't all going to be together as a family.

'I know you don't want to but'
'I know you probably won't but'
'I know you will say no but'

Etc. Etc. For an hour today.

its so hard

You have the patience of a saint, @PoppleZopple

She really doesn't stop with the guilt tripping at all does she?

Stay strong.

Thank you for the support ReleaseTheDucks. I actually thought she was going to leave it this year, a few weeks ago she told me that we are welcome at Christmas & I thought that would be the end of it.

Little did I know my brother has been in her ear. She's really upset now as they said that they were going for boxing day lunch so she got all this food etc, & now he's changed it to they will only stay if we go too.

It just goes on & on doesn't it

I can imagine it must be very hard to listen to, but the truth is your mother is all about HER needs.

She lives with a sex offender.

Consistent with someone with a very poor moral compass.

She's not thinking of you or your children, just herself.

I appreciate that she is your mother but I wouldn't want a mother who lived with a sex offender within a hundred miles of my precious children.

Really end of.
No conflicting emotions, just a plain, it wouldn't happen.

A school friend of mine was abused by her father's friend.

Her father was a headmaster and his friend was the local married solicitor.

He abused her for 3 years until she said she was going to tell her Daddy.

He never went near her again.
She never told her parents a word and they died not knowing because she couldn't bear to burden them.

She told her friends in her 30's because she finally sought help and she was advised to share it at least with friends, if not her parents.

She married a lovely man, had two children but has dealt with an eating disorder and depression for years.

She was exceptionally brilliant academically and attained a first class degree despite suffering terribly with her mental health at times during Uni.

She has a professional career but in no way fulfilled her enormous potential.
She has battled the demons of those 3 years between 5-8 for 50 years.

An enormous burden.

Being sexually abused is absolutely horrific and leaves an enormous scar that many NEVER recover from.

THIS is what you are protecting your children from.

Your mother isn't concerned.

How anyone could live with a person who ruined the lives of children is really beyond me.

You are doing the right thing.
It is hard and painful.

But your mother is not a good grandmother.

She would risk your children's safety and their future happiness.

Because what she wants is more important than anything else.

I would strongly recommend that you see less of her.

She is consumed by what she wants.

You and your children are bit players in all this.

There are consequences with associating with scum, but she believes the laws of decency don't apply to her or her perverted criminal partner.

Stay strong and keep protecting those precious children of yours.

Your brother doesn’t care about protecting his child - you do. There’s the difference. Keep on keeping on @PoppleZopple your children will tHank you x

Thank you billy1966 I know you are right. I'm so sorry about your friend, I'm sure there are thousands out there & even though my mum's partner served 8 years, that's just a fraction of the life of the person who they hurt, isn't it.

I don't see her much, nothing like what I used to before all this. We don't talk about 'it' anymore (just the comments like above) But the last time she did mention it properly, she was still firmly believing that he was innocent & was framed, so I suppose that's how she finds it so easy, that in her eyes he never did anything.

Thank you Swiminanglesey. I hoped after all this time that I might find it easier, but it's still really difficult for me.

Sending you a HH

She's really upset now as they said that they were going for boxing day lunch so she got all this food etc, & now he's changed it to they will only stay if we go too.

Yes, it goes on and on - and it's all manipulation, and she's absolutely going along with it. So is your brother, big style.

You are right here, you have a strong and right mind and you are protecting your children. Frankly given your mother's partner's record, and that you have fought so hard to protect your children, if you did give way now I wouldn't be remotely surprised if the partner targeted them in particular as a sort of revenge for standing out against his domination. He's got your mother and your brother under his thumb. You're the one who's holding out, and it wouldn't be a surprise if he really hated that.

Little did I know my brother has been in her ear. She's really upset now as they said that they were going for boxing day lunch so she got all this food etc, & now he's changed it to they will only stay if we go too.

Does that sound like something your brother would genuinely say? Or does it sound like bullshit your mums made up to manipulate you further?

I'm just going by your brothers previous statement that he "can't be arsed" with you. I'm also querying why he would decide not to see his ill mother, whose choice of partner he has no problem with, if the sister he dislikes will NOT be there. Like, how realistic is it for someone to say "I'm only interested in going to this party if someone I hate is going. If I like all the attendees I won't bother." 🤔