Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

Popple I genuinely know what you mean, it took me many years to let go of my family for the same reason but in the end I realised I did have a family and a place where I belong in the world and you do have family too. You have your children and they are going to be influenced for life by how you conduct yourself so I’m willing to bet that they are going to turn into pretty spectacular adults. Unfortunately for us because of what is going on beyond our control we have to make our own place where we belong in the world.

i dont think you should turn awsy from dating OP. You dont need to go into detail about the situation with your family , just a 'its complicated' or 'mums OH and I dont get along' is all is needed when dating.

I hope you have something nice planned with your DC this weekend x

Muttly That's so true. It's nice to speak to somebody who's kind of been through it. I will survive! We barely see my family now so it won't make much difference to the kids, It's just that thing that, where we all rallied round if there was an emergency before, they won't for me now.

SoTiredoftheStress I'm just not sure. Look at my earlier replies on here, people think badly of you if you aren't in touch with your family & don't have a 'decent' reason.

Thank you for your kindness though. We had a nice day today, I hope you get some nice times & some calm times too! x

Hi. Is anybody around to talk? I'm struggling.

SoTiredoftheStress I hope things are a little bit easier for you at home now

Hi PoppleZopple,

I've been following your thread and I entirely agree with your choices. You have to protect your children first and foremost. Anyone who thinks you should allow this person anywhere near your children should be ashamed.

I an nc with my three siblings.

My mum died in 2018. As the oldest male it seemed to fall to me to be responsible for sorting her life out before she died. After she died and they realised that she wasn't leaving as much money as they thought my two brothers and sister (although my sister was influenced by the brothers - easily led but old enough to know right from wrong) pointed the finger at me. Even down to one brother reporting me to the Police for theft/fraud. All sorted out to the Police satisfaction as I had kept every single bill and receipt. Everything including meals on wheels, electricity, ground rent, maintenance etc. It was a really low and shitty thing to do as my job requires Enhanced Security clearance so could have cost me my livelihood.

I no longer have anything to do with these 'people' who would stoop so low because they didn't get what they wanted. I thought they got less than they expected but way more than they deserved.

Sorry, waffling on a bit. Basically your life is for you to live how you want. Don't have people in your life just because you're linked genetically. And bollocks to anyone who says you only get one mum etc. That statement doesn't make them worthy of your attention. They need to earn the right to stay in your life, not demand it. Most do, a lot fall far short.

Carry on protecting your kids. They deserve an innocent life with no risk from people around them.

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing your story billyt. I'm sorry you went through that, what an awful thing for your siblings to do! That's just horrible.
I hope your life is much happier now.

You & everybody else are right of course, I'm just finding it so hard to let go

I've never cut anyone out of my life OP, it's a bit final and drastic but I've quietly just not seen them for a long time and stayed away until I can cope with seeing them.
Sometimes family is just all too much especially when they are toxic.
Its better to quietly withdraw and refuse to participate in the drama. Families breed drama.

She's let go my love, you haven't, you'd be there in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the fact that it'd put your children in danger. You mother is choosing this final ending, she could contact you to see the kids when he is not there, you aren't stopping her, she is choosing not to out of some misplaced loyalty.

My father is a complete narcissist but I've kept my children away from him because he would emotionally damage them. I've no regrets, I'm their mum, their well-being is my responsibility but this guy is a paedophile, if I were you too I'd be using that word very very frequently. Don't let his actions be swept under the carpet. If someone asks you why your not being the dutiful daughter and dragging the kids round there you tell them that your mother is in a serious relationship with a paedophile and the police came round to advise you of his crimes and on that basis you do not think it safe to do so. Say it to your sister, he is a paedophile and I'm not having my kids in the presence of someone who is sexually attracted to children, who has been to prison for sexually abusing children. Believe me, more people would be questioning the behaviour of the rest of your family if they know the true reason why all this is happening.

You'll get through this. Don't let anyone shake your belief that you are a fantastic mother and daughter, you as a mother though have a duty to protect those who are more vulnerable and in this instance that is your children.

Thanks Shehasadiamond. That's what I'm doing really, I've gone from seeing mun twice a week to once every other week which I feel awful about on the one hand, because I know she might not have long left, but then I think on the other hand I need to look after me. She could see me & the kids any time she wanted to but she's choosing not to.

I ran into her in town & she was really putting the pressure on about Christmas. I didn't even answer her I just stood there.
I phoned her today to tell her that I will come if she wants, but not the kids, & I won't stay long because I'm going to be completely alone & know they are all talking about me... But I couldn't get the words out so again I said nothing.

Thanks Vitals your post made me cry.
He seems to think I'm ok with everything or something, the last few times I've been round he's been chatting to me (I mainly grunt back tbh) & sitting on the other side of the sofa with me, whereas before mum got sick & I'd go round, he would stay in the kitchen or whatever.

I'm there to see my mum. I'm not there to accept what he's done.

We haven't seen her the last 2 Christmas days because of all this, but this year of course 'Its my last christmas' mum keeps saying. And it might be. But this is how it is.

I don't feel like I will get through it, I don't feel strong enough

I think if I were in your shoes I'd tell him you don't want to speak to a paedophile, keep saying it out loud, not only will it help to clarify that you're doing the correct thing in terms of your choices but it might give everyone around you a bit of a head wobble.

It may be her last Christmas but this is what she has chosen, no matter what, you stick to your guns and keep those kiddies safe!

Thanks Vitals. I know what you mean, I wouldn't say it though as I'd be scared of his reaction.
Most of those around me believe that he isn't a paedophile so I'm sure it would fall on deaf ears anyway.

I'm certain that I'm doing the right thing. That's not the bit I'm struggling with, I'm struggling with the fact that my mum is hurting, & I don't want her to be hurting, but at the same time I refuse to do what she wants to make her happy... & I'm at peace with that decision but the results of it makes me sad. (I know I'm pathetic)

Your words
"She could see me & the kids any time she wanted to but she's choosing not to.

I ran into her in town & she was really putting the pressure on about Christmas."

You are not keeping her away from your dc. She's choosing not to see them. She's able to go to town, but can't come and see her grandchildren?! I don't think so.

If anyone says anything remotely like that, reply she's welcome whenever she wants and you aren't sure why she won't come.

Yes, picklemewalnuts That's it exactly. She isn't housebound at all, she's still out & about.

I re-read my sister's last nasty message the other day & she says 'You are isolating her from her grandchildren'. That is so far from the truth
I re-read it because my sis sent me a text saying 'I can't send you a Whatsapp for some reason'... All fake innocence that she doesn't know we blocked each other. So I played along, unblocked her & said 'It should send now'.
It was just a stupid meme but I'm sure, in her eyes, that's her olive branch & that's me causing the problems, not her.

Don't bother trying to work out what's going on inside their heads. It's not your concern, really. Just leave them to it. Stick to what you know and what is your business. Which is that she can visit whenever she likes. If she isn't visiting, it's her problem.

picklemewalnuts I know. You are right. I'm just finding it difficult.

I took the easy way out & sent a WhatsApp, saying that I will come for a little while at Christmas if she wants me to, but not the kids.

Oh well, 4 days working myself up about it & it wasn't so bad!

She said that she had a go at my bro & my sis for bringing everything up & being nasty to me before (never told me that, made out that it was all my fault) & that she completely accepts my decision.

Said that she doesn't think to let me know when he is out... Which is a bit of a sting, you know, if she's so desperate to see her grandchildren then you'd think it might cross her mind at some point? He goes out early, 4ish am until 6ish pm on these days after all)

Anyway I don't think that's the end of it at all, but I'm feeling better about things (for now) than I have been the last few days!

Sorry you've had a horrible few days. I hope now that the Christmas thing is sorted you will have some peace for a bit.

Honestly we are so similar, the endless lows, doubts, guilt and worry then the slight relief you get when you receive a message that isn't nasty or stressful.

thinking of you x

Thank you SoTiredoftheStress. I hope things are ok for you over christmas.

I think I will hear from either bro or sis but I don't think my mum will mention it again (before Christmas)

I told her that she has effectively chosen not to see my children as she & she alone has decided not to contact me when he goes out. (That's when she said she doesn't think to)

She kind of ended things yesterday by saying 'Hopefully I will feel better soon & we can arrange some days out'.

I mean, all I can take from that really is that he doesn't want us in the house when he isn't there. Really, that's got to be it hasn't it? Otherwise it's just a bizarre way to end things isn't it! She would rather force herself to go out for the day when she isn't feeling well than send me a text & she can stay in her home...

It's fine though, it is what it is. We will go on living our lives as if he have no other family & at least I know she won't keep badgering me about Christmas.

It's been so long since we all had a Christmas together that I can barely remember, & I'm ok with that.

My brother dropped some presents round today & asked 'Are you going to mums?' I said 'Im not sure' he said 'She isn't well. I know you have hesitancy but she isn't well. I just think you should be aware of that'.

Fucking hell! He sounds like a broken record. The kids were standing there so I couldn't tell him to go fuck himself like I wanted to. I said 'I am aware of that. You don't think I know that she isn't well? What is the point of telling me that?' & he says 'Im not having a go at you, I'm just reminding you that she isn't well'.

So I said 'Well I don't need to be reminded, thank you. I was round there the other day. I've been round there a lot, you might not be aware, but I have. I know she isn't well'.

He didn't say anything else. Fuck me. I cried for 2 days after I went round there the other day as I hate how things are & she's really gone downhill quickly. Who the hell does my bro think he is?! Like he's the only one who's aware that she isn't well?! & 'hesitancy'. Nice choice of words.

I know I'm kind of talking to myself & that's ok, I just want to get it out I think.

I was back & forth over what the right thing to do was right until Christmas morning. Then I decided to ask my ex if he would come with me & the kids for an hour. I told them in the car that they were to stay with myself & dad (not that we would of let them go anywhere anyway) sis turned up halfway through. Barely a word spoken between us which was fine by me. Honestly, I gazed out of the window most of the time, I didn't want to be there but at the same time I wanted to. Very confusing day. My youngest kept saying 'Theres a stranger in the garden' when mums partner went out to smoke. My new bracelet was broke & mum gave it to him to look at & he dropped a piece. I picked it up & had to place it in his hand & just felt sick at touching his hand.

I feel kind of empty about the whole experience. I got some photos of the kids with mum. I cried looking at them when I got home, but had no desire to go back & be around them all again either.

I went to see mum today. Better without sis there. She told me that for ages sis has been saying 'Popple will come for Christmas with the kids. You will see. She won't let you down'. Mum apparently said she doubts it but didn't tell her about our texts the other day.

Bro told her he was going to 'have a word' with me, & mum said 'Dont have a go at her, it's all been said.' & he said 'Why not? Why shouldn't I?' & she said again 'Because she doesn't need everybody having a go at her'.

Apparently. That's what mum said today. I feel numb. My kids are with their dad. I'm glad it's all over. I hate my mums partner & wish he would disappear.

Your mum’s partner will disappear. Sorry it’s a bit of a morbid way to think of it, but once your mum has passed on and funeral etc has happened then you won’t have to see consider seeing him ever again. It’s totally understandable that you find having to see him horrible and any physical contact with him repulsive, but he is no threat to your kids long term because you have kept them away from him and safe through all your contact with your mum and their contact with their grandmother. You have kept them safe until now and you are clearly going to keep them safely away from him until he is no longer a consideration.
Your brother and sister will probably drop all contact with him too.

Thanks for answering Changelingbutonlyforme. They won't stop contact with him. I can already see him being invited to everything in the future & me being the one that's pushed out. But it's ok. It makes me sad for my children though

I have kept my children away from him. My conscience is clear there. My youngest is 5 & that's the one & only time she's ever been in their house with him.
I think I will do what I said earlier in the thread & ask my ex if he will come with the children if my mum becomes more housebound.
I haven't really spoken to him about this latest situation with my siblings, I only just told him about mums illness & he asked if people knew he was coming Christmas day, & I said 'I'm hoping nobody else comes when we are there. They've all fallen out with me, so you might feel uncomfortable but trust me, I will be feeling just as uncomfortable'.
He asked 'Are they STILL defending him?' & I just shrugged.

It is really sad but I do keep thinking 'I can't wait until I never have to see him again... But that won't be until mums gone'

I’m so sorry you felt pressured into putting your children in that position.