Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

If you marry the right person everything is fine. My life hasn’t changed since having children because my partner pulls his weight 50% and I still go and do my hobbies.

I wouldn't have married my ex but I would deffo marry again (early years parenting would have been so much better/easier with just about anybody else but him)

There are terrible marriages, wonderful marriages, people who adore being mums, people who find it tougher, and everything in-between... its a bit of a leap of faith really the whole thing

Mine lands somewhere in the middle - wasn't a fan of the baby/toddler/preschooler phases but now mine are getting older I'm finding it's getting really fun & interesting - my kids are now my favourite people to spend time witb... also getting time back for me for hobbies/exercise etc. It's a long game, don't look at things just in terms of the all-encompassing baby stage

Marriage is good, problems here and there like everyone but overall we make a good team. DH does absolutely share the load very fairly in terms of work/housework/mental load, and I think that's a key to a content marriage

Don't believe in marriage apart for the security that it brings legally.

Don't believe men and women should live together. Believe they should have completely different places / spaces. No matter what, somebody will always compromise more.

Having kids is great but we're socially conditioned to go to school, get a job, date, move in together and have children. Why do we all do the same thing / follow the norm.

For instance I know 2 gay women raising a child. 50 years ago this would have been shock horror, now it's fine and the child is loved and cared for. Apart from certain practicalities why the hell live with someone all the time. FCUK that is where I'm at now.

Why can't it be normal to the kids that mum and dad are together but don't live with each other.

Sometimes it's good to see how NOT to do something. I think you have to be very, very clear what YOU want from a marriage. Sometimes you don't actually need to get married legally the same as not having to have children. If you find the right partner, it is one of the most wonderful experiences in life. So yes it is absolutely worth it. The only thing I would always point out is that having a child or children really does test the strength of a relationship and that's even when both parents have planned for it. I would definitely get married again to my hubby.

Marriage and children has been 100% worth it for me. But I think marriage and children with the wrong person would be awful. I haven’t really had to give up hobbies as DH does his half of the parenting.

Met my DH about 13 years ago, we’ve had a wonderful adventure together with lots of time just the two of us. We have been married now about 5 years and I’m currently expecting our first baby.
I’d say we have a good marriage/relationship. I don’t think the things you mention in your op are very normal! Sounds very controlling and possessive. I think the key is compromise- you both need to be able to really talk; and both need to be prepared to compromise (even on things you feel quite strongly about occasionally!). Amongst my friends (30-35 age) this is seen generally as negative- but I don’t agree. I think it’s key to keeping a healthy relationship on an even keel.

I very much hope we continue as we are when baby is here; im expecting DH to take on his share and be a partner from the get go.
I hope that offers you a bit of reassurance! Something I love about marriage- yours can be exactly how you want. It’s for you & your partner to decide. No one else’s standards or views matter; only your own. Ignore your friends’ marriages- there’s no such thing as a right or wrong set up- you can design yours as you like with your partner. Xox

Don't rely on someone else to make you happy and don't let somebody else make you feel unhappy.

Kids are hard but there is time for yourself, maybe not in the beginning but you can't just put yourself first, especially if your living with someone, you'll be expected to think of them too or you/them will put everything before you/them.

Relationships are hard. Now I have my kids I've decided I no longer want one in that traditional sense any longer. I'll be finding what works for me, if the other person doesn't like it, they know where the door is. Freeeeeeedom

Honestly, hobbies when you have little babies will go out the window, especially if you will also be going back to work. My partner does way more in the house than me and he works full time. With 2 under 3 kids, there’s not enough time for my hobbies as well as working part time and doing childcare on my non working days and housework. However, I expect my hobbies to pick up again when the kids are a bit older. Husband also has had to stop his hobbies or drastically reduce his commitment to them

My exh wasn't as supportive, so I did have to pull back on my hobbies when the kids were small. But I loved having children and had a great time with them. They were never a lot of trouble, which obviously helps. I went back to my hobbies once I had more time.
The effect on my career was worse, although again, that was partly as my exh was not supportive. I did end up with a job I enjoy, but if I'd just focused on my career, like my exh did, I'd probably be in a different position.
I feel bad about the children's future: climate change and all that might potentially make their lives hard as they get older. Half of me thinks that if I was young now I would not have kids. But realistically, I loved bringing them up and love having them around now they are adults. I doubt that selfish wish would be any different if I was young now.
My relationship with exh lasted more than 20 years and was far from being all bad. If I went back in time with the experience I have now I'd choose a different mate - but there was none of the abusive behaviour you describe. I'd definitely be with someone, as I'd have been a miserable cow if I'd never had a partner. And marriage is important, legally, if you have children or merge finances.

Both of the relationships your friends have sound unhealthy. It wouldn't be good to have an unhealthy marriage. They're not all like that.

As for hobbies when you have kids, you still can do that but speaking for myself my interests and priorities have massively changed. Life is much more fulfilled and although it's not always easy it's very happy.

I have never married but that was purely though my own choice. I do have a beautiful adult daughter who I raised with the help of her father, extended family and myself. I chose not to marry as I saw my sister who is 10 years older than me go through an horrific marriage with her abusive husband. I was in my early teens seeing this and it put me off for life. I also see many of my close friends battling with not just their first marriage with children but their second marriages with step children. However, I do have a couple of friends in lovely stable and happy relationships, so I think getting married is like betting on a horse, you have no idea if you are going to get over the winning line with the man you marry. Even though I raised my daughter alone I made a pact that my hobbies would not be constrained as they were important to my well being. My daughters father fully supported that as I supported his hobbies whilst raising her too. If I had my time again, I still would never marry and do exactly as I have done. I have also have had to step away from some of my friends who continue to moan about their life with their husbands but do not want to do anything about it, it is exhausting listening to the marrieds whinge on and on about their inefficient husbands. So your question...is marriage and children worth it? The children bit is worth it for me but I will pass on the marriage bit!

I think it's really about doing it with the right person. I was married to my ex and he is the father of my DD. He was the wrong person and it was miserable. I lost all hobbies, in fact my sense of self entirely, everything in life felt like an exhausting battle.

However with my DP it's very different. He supports and encourages me. He pulls his weight with everything and we are a team, which frees up time and mental capacity for myself. I have time for hobbies and exercise. He is course not the father of my DC but he is wonderful with her. He provides practical support with DD but almost more importantly, he's always thinking about her, anticipating her needs and feelings and comes up with great ideas regarding her upbringing. A level of parenting support I never had with her actual father.

1st 2yrs if marriage were really hard. But we both knew we wanted kids and we were lucky we pulled together when we had them (we have pretty similar views on most stuff). Sometimes the stress of kids does affect a relationship, as well as having different views on what is best for the kids.

Regular hobbies are v difficult to keep up with everything when kids are young (we are still at this stage). We lurch from 1 weekend to another trying to get everything done. But it is nice to have the kids and see thier personalities develop. Our marriage has strengthened over time and going through these things together has helped us. I don’t regret it at all.

But everyone’s situation is different and it depends on whether you are compatible as a couple.

IMO no, it’s not.
It’s hard work and boring. The happiest people I know are without children by choice. I think it’s different if you can ha s any and want them.
I wanted them but knowing what I know now I’d not have them. It has ruined my life tbh.
I’d not get married either but I could get divorced now if it wasn’t for the dc. Instead I’m trapped.

I only got married a few months ago so admittedly am probably still in the honeymoon phase, but we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and my husband is my best friend. He’s a brilliant dad and does more than his fair share around the house (I have a chronic illness). Absolutely worth it to me.

Re: kids and hobbies, it really depends what your hobbies are! I liked reading, running, gaming with my husband, going to the theatre now and again. That’s stuff that’s all easy enough to fit round kids and I didn’t feel too badly impacted by having DD (although health means I can no longer run). I usually have an evening with my friends every 2-3 weeks and have been on weekends away with them, same as before DD. This has all been possible because I have a husband who pulls his weight and is a capable parent. If your hobbies are clubbing or kayaking or playing on a rugby team that meets 4 times a week, then that will obviously be much harder to fit in around children.

I mean how long is a piece of string OP?? It can be with the right person who doesn’t become an arse and has staying power— it can be a bloody nightmare and limit your options if the right person suddenly ‘isnt’ — I’m afraid it’s leap of faith

Sounds like you know some people in some bad marriages, and at least one in an abusive one (controlling social media and email use is not normal). Not sure what putting on weight has to do with anything.

It's been worth it for me. I've never been happier than since having my daughter and I have a pretty good (though far from perfect) marriage. I didn't meet my husband till later in life though and didn't have DD till 40, I had a wonderful time prior and don't feel I missed out on anything. DH can drive me up the wall it's true but he's a good, kind husband and a great dad who does his share of housework and parenting and supports me in what I want to do. DD is still just a baby/ toddler and so it's a bit all encompassing and it's true I don't get much time to myself, I'm tired and theres bits of parenting I find really hard and exhausting. But overall DD is a joy and I wouldn't swap it - I'm very aware that it's not like that for everyone and that as DD grows up there will be times that are more difficult as well.

If you pick well, marriage enhances your life and is comforting, fun, safe and warm. I love the man I chose, and childfree life is bliss. Don’t know why anyone has a kid, seems like a load of shite, all parents do is whinge.

I am mid thirties and have thought very long and hard about this and I think for me personally it is not worth it.

Even if I picked the most perfect partner ever....it still wouldn't be enjoyable.

I would maybe have them if I had all the money in the world and could afford live-in nannies and hired help...and send them to boarding school as young as 😂

The person you have children with, married or not, will determine your quality of life. It’s the most important decision a woman will ever make and girls need to be taught this.

I brought up one child alone and that was doable, I'm straight but I don't really like men very much. I wouldn't have wanted more than one.

IME and from observing other people, actual marriage is never worth it. IMO the risks to both parties are enormous and they far outweigh any benefits.

Having a regular partner who lives in a different house from you, is what I would do if I had my time again.

Having children is possibly worth it but only if you are ready to say goodbye to your previous life. You will never get it back. Hobbies are possible only when the DC reach secondary school age.

@NowEvenBetter

If you pick well, marriage enhances your life and is comforting, fun, safe and warm. I love the man I chose, and childfree life is bliss. Don’t know why anyone has a kid, seems like a load of shite, all parents do is whinge.

I'd say people have children because they want to create a life long connection (hopefully), legacy, to nurture & develop. And probably there's an element of FOMO, the societal narrative of 'settling down' finding a partner/cohabiting/getting married/having children.

Marriage and children has made me happier than anything else in life. My DH is my best friend and the first person I want to talk to/share things with.

My DC are just incredible. They're funny, embarrassing, frustrating, cuddly, loveable, exhausting, stressful and being a parent is a constant memory minefield. But when it's good, it's worth all the tea in China.

But... I know plenty of couples who don't want children and they're also incredibly happy and fulfilled. So it's a very personal decision