Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

Yes, still going strong after more than 50 years.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

My parents were happily married as far as I could tell until I was about 13 and then argued constantly and seemed to hate each other for 9 more years before separating. To anyone who is thinking of staying together for the sake of the DC, don’t, it’s awful.
My DM then had a few long term boyfriends before marring a man 25 years younger than her and that marriage lasting 6 years.

We get married and have children, accepting that we can’t be happy for our whole lives 😀🤣

Most of my friends/family members think that their husbands are the most irritating, annoying people they know ! But, as we are moving towards being aged 60, we know that we’re there to look after each other in old age ❤️ and if we’ve succeeded for 20-30 years, the hardest parts must be over 😃

@StylishMummy

Marriage and children has made me happier than anything else in life. My DH is my best friend and the first person I want to talk to/share things with.

My DC are just incredible. They're funny, embarrassing, frustrating, cuddly, loveable, exhausting, stressful and being a parent is a constant memory minefield. But when it's good, it's worth all the tea in China.

But... I know plenty of couples who don't want children and they're also incredibly happy and fulfilled. So it's a very personal decision

Absolutely this! I know I am incredibly lucky to have met my DH and it was an absolute fluke that we bumped into each other halfway around the world. Twenty five years later and we are still crazy about each other.

@Lana07

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder :)

Mine are, his are both happily re married

If you marry the right person everything is fine. My life hasn’t changed since having children because my partner pulls his weight 50% and I still go and do my hobbies.

First poster got it! What she said.

Marriage benefits men more than it does women.

It really isn't worth it.

psiloveyou.xyz/marriage-disproportionally-benefits-men-59e5a4dd89be

@Lana07

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder :)

Yes…still married after 35 years. Mostly happy I’d say. It’s not perfect- everyone has their issues- but my parents are generally in agreement on most things, and are big on compromise. My grandparents the same. IMO it’s about putting your marriage first, it’s hard work but staying together is a choice you have to keep choosing even when sometimes you are pissed off/angry/tired etc. I think picking your battles is also important! I don’t raise an issue unless I know its a biggie that it I can’t let go Xo

If it feels like a chore... surely the answer is no?!

@CrispsnDips

We get married and have children, accepting that we can’t be happy for our whole lives 😀🤣

Most of my friends/family members think that their husbands are the most irritating, annoying people they know ! But, as we are moving towards being aged 60, we know that we’re there to look after each other in old age ❤️ and if we’ve succeeded for 20-30 years, the hardest parts must be over 😃

I find this post really sad. If you marry the right man you can be happy until one of you dies which could be most of your life (well grown up life).

How horrible to think that your husband is the most annoying person you know but you are going to stay together because of your age.

Me and DH are in our 60's (DH early 60's, me later 60's) and have been married 40 years. We are very happy and still very much in love. We prefer each others company to anyone else's.

I am retired and DH has been cutting down on work and hopefully is retiring next year. Neither of us can wait. We loved lockdown and being home together.

Some of my friends feel the way yours do but, whether coincidence or not, they all have children.

I thought the most irritating thing was pretty common, my DH definitely gets on my nerves but he’s also the most most kind, funny and generous man.

@1MillionDollars

Don't believe in marriage apart for the security that it brings legally.

Don't believe men and women should live together. Believe they should have completely different places / spaces. No matter what, somebody will always compromise more.

Having kids is great but we're socially conditioned to go to school, get a job, date, move in together and have children. Why do we all do the same thing / follow the norm.

For instance I know 2 gay women raising a child. 50 years ago this would have been shock horror, now it's fine and the child is loved and cared for. Apart from certain practicalities why the hell live with someone all the time. FCUK that is where I'm at now.

Why can't it be normal to the kids that mum and dad are together but don't live with each other.

Jesus, you sound very bitter! Some of us happen to really love living with our partners which is a pretty good reason to do it. How peculiar

@DampSquidGames

I thought the most irritating thing was pretty common, my DH definitely gets on my nerves but he’s also the most most kind, funny and generous man.

Why on earth would you want to be married for years to someone who you find the most irritating person?

Not saying DH doesn't sometimes irritate me and vice versa but not that much. I find most other people far far more irritating.

Kids yes, marriage/men no.

@Interrobanger

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

No. Their marriage was a dysfunctional, emotionally abusive shitshow that only ended when one of them died from substance abuse.

I went on to have an abusive relationship for almost a decade. When that ended I had a tonne of really good therapy, did some solo travelling and then I met my lovely husband.

Do you think you've subconsciously attracted your 1st negative relations based on bad things you witnessed in your childhood?

@Hoolihan

Kids yes, marriage/men no.

Have you been married?

Why can't it be normal to the kids that mum and dad are together but don't live with each other.

I think mainly because it costs more to pay for 2 properties,

Also for practical reasons - dinner together, daily company someone to talk to, sex more often :) if it happens often enough. Maybe some weekends, days off together if there are common interests.

Often 1 property can be rented out and to live in as a family for extra income if there were 2 properties on a mortgage or inherited to start with.

When people get on well, living together CAN be a pleasure. Maybe you haven't experienced that.

If living in different houses, they could be a walking distance apart not to waste time and money on travelling and having an eco-friendly lifestyle saving the planet if possible.

@DampSquidGames

I thought the most irritating thing was pretty common, my DH definitely gets on my nerves but he’s also the most most kind, funny and generous man.

Why does he get on your nerves?

I find this post really sad. If you marry the right man you can be happy until one of you dies which could be most of your life (well grown up life).

How horrible to think that your husband is the most annoying person you know but you are going to stay together because of your age.

Me and DH are in our 60's (DH early 60's, me later 60's) and have been married 40 years. We are very happy and still very much in love. We prefer each others company to anyone else's.

I am retired and DH has been cutting down on work and hopefully is retiring next year. Neither of us can wait. We loved lockdown and being home together.

Some of my friends feel the way yours do but, whether coincidence or not, they all have children.

@mydogisthebest I feel the same. Except I couldn't wait for all lockdowns to finish to go back to some sort of normality asap. We also got on very well in lockdowns with my DH. He was working from home for 15 months and had more sleep and was more relaxed. We had lunches together on my days off too.

We get married and have children, accepting that we can’t be happy for our whole lives 😀🤣

@CrispsnDips

You CAN be happy all your life with the right person.

Studies have shown that single women report higher levels of happiness on average than those who are married.

Where as married men are on average, happier than single ones.

Perhaps because of traditional gender roles meaning women are more likely to be put upon whilst in a relationship. Where as men are more likely to benefit from a maid, mother and sex on tap.

Having DC has been a totally unexpected joy for me. I never actively wanted DC, they sort of just happened but wow, I’m so glad they did! I loved every phase, baby, toddler, primary, teens, fledglings, now awesome late 20s adults. I kept working - hard - throughout and maintained friendships too, some of these went on the back burner but they’re bubbling away very happily now. Hobbies - tricky admittedly, both headspace and time have been devoted to work and DC primarily.

I absolutely hated being a wife, from day one. I’m a fan of the legal side as it protected both of us when we divorced. I loved XH but he coped so badly with events (multiple redundancies, bereavement, DC serious illness) that I lost respect for him and the love died. I won’t marry again.

To parent as a partnership to the best of your abilities, get married - but be aware that events may end it, so ALWAYS retain the ability to be financially independent.

I got lucky with DC, I love being a mum so much, but I’m not sure I advise that risky approach… having said that, far too many women buy into the ‘you must have children’ narrative wholeheartedly then find themselves solely responsible because the ‘man’ thinks everything is on her. A case of ‘be careful what you wish for’?

Everything in life is a risk, nothing is certain except death and taxes….

Lana07 his snoring!

If I had my time again I'd have married my husband sooner.

But he's a good one and I love him. It's all worth it when it's the right person.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

They would say so.

Was horrible being raised by them, though. I wouldn't have married an angry, shouty, fisty twat myself but my mother seemed to like him.