Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

It definitely is if you find someone who is a good person who genuinely loves you and cares about you.
No one is perfect so no marriage will be perfect but if you care about each other and want to support each other, it can enhance your life.
Having children in that kind of relationship can be wonderful, if you both want them.

At 60 my most trusted and loved ‘people’ as well as my dh are my adult children. I can’t imagine life without them; the support they offer and the quality of the connections I have with them and their children are immeasurable.

But if I were young now I think I’d choose not to have children. I don’t trust the future and worry about life for my descendants. However, it’s easy for me to say that where I am now.

Single childfree 38yr old here - have had a mix of loving & toxic/abusive relationships.

The way I see it now, 50% of marriages end in divorce.

The other 50% in marriages are made up of X number of people happy & Y number of people discontented but unable or unwilling to leave.

We don't know what X & Y is, is it even split? That means 25% of people in marriages are happy. That's not a great odds to show marriage makes people happy.

Mumsnet is going to have a skew towards unhappy relationships, as people who are content generally aren't finding forums to make posts about their happy life.

People criticise that on here cries of "LTB" are too frequent - but people on this forum are more likely to make posts about bad behaviour that others who aren't in relationships or in happy ones simply wouldn't put up with.

I also agree that have seen a lot of peers "settle" for someone to get the life they want - whether that be wanting children, security of committment, buying a house together etc.... The thing is after you get the things you want, you're stuck in a life that may not make you happy.

Having a child is a personal decision & it's still shrouded in the fallacy that it "completes" you & you somehow can't have satisfaction in life without having entered parenthood. I think if you have an instinct to want children then go for it, but don't try to talk yourself into having them or think they will solve your life's problems.

Your friends sound like they married the wrong people or got married for the wrong reasons OP, both of which are recipes for unhappiness.

As PPs have said, make sure you marry the right person (or at lease A right person, since I don't believe there's only one person for each other person on Earth). Think about what you want from life, look for those qualities in a DP which you know will make it more likely that you'll go the distance. You clearly know the red flags for controlling behaviour, so FGS avoid anyone like the plague.

Having DC does involve some compromises and the early days can be tough, I think a lot of us feel we lost 'ourselves' for a little while there. I was just so tired that it never occurred to me to prioritise my 'hobbies', quite honestly my priorities changed for a while, but as long as your hobbies are broadly compatible with family life and your DP is supportive of them there is no reason why you should have to give them up. Having a baby may temporarily disrupt them, for sure, but many people have a DP, DC a job and things they do for enjoyment outside of that. To suggest otherwise is madness!

I've been married for 18 years, 3 kids and I'm very happy. No one can predict the future but there are definitely successful marriages out there OP.

To smoko: Your logic is flawed. The 50% of marriages that end in divorce were not necessarily unhappy for the most part. People can also (shock horror) separate amicably. Life, people and circumstances change.

If you marry someone you love and respect and vice versa it’s great. There’s always a chance you or your partner change or grow apart over time but if you have a strong connection it’s worth the risk. If you do what you’re friends did (it’s possible that things changed after marriage but most likely there were big alarm bells going off before they married) then you will be utterly miserable and much better off single.

It’s hard work and boring. The happiest people I know are without children by choice.

I think it depends on what you’re interests and passions are. I have a friend who isn’t interested in having babies - she’s a real globe trotter and is passionate about travelling, so that and parenting isn’t particularly compatible. I love holidays but have never been caught by the travelling bug. I had childfree fun in my early twenties and then felt I was ready for ‘child-included’ fun.
Some people don’t plan a pregnancy and then that’s a tricky adjustment.
Some people bizarrely love partying, doing what they want when they want etc. but want a baby at the same time and are then surprised that it’s not the fun they imagined (what they really imagined isn’t really clear).

For me marriage maybe, if you find the right person who shares work ethic and earning potential. Because otherwise it is a subsidy to the lower earner often even if they choose to be so. You need to like the same things too or be happy living independent lives (like my parents who seem married in name only but both happy). Basically you need to be really picky about your life partner otherwise resentment builds in and half of marriages fail anyway.

Kids I have nothing really to say about. For environmental reasons I didn't want them and much like not getting a dog didn't like the limitations they will put on my life even if having an adult child did appeal but not the bit before.

I’m married with young children and it’s hard but completely worth it and I’m confident that as they get older and we get out of the younger years I’ll get more time back. The controlling side of it is not normal but yes there is a lot less time for yourself but you can still find it. Some of it is about choices; people will say they don’t have time for hobbies or exercise (I often say that too) but actually there is time but by the evenings often I don’t want to and I just want to chill out whereas before DC I’d come in from work and chill out then go back out whereas if I do a hobby or exercise I don’t get the time to relax and for me I’d rather have that and pick the other stuff up again in the future

Also marriage has only enhanced my life but that’s about the right partner

For me marriage and dc has been the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done- the source of immense happiness and of the worst worry and stress.

Without my dc I don’t think I’d have stuck at marriage, which isn’t to say anything bad about dh. He’s great. I’m a bit tricky to live with. And I’ve always had a tendency to want to throw it all up and begin again somewhere else. But in all honesty I’m not even sure I’d have stuck at life either. I’ve always wrestled with depression to some extent.

Having dc was a paradigm shift. It was no longer about me anymore - my identity as the mother of my dc is very strong; the choices I make are no longer about suiting me but about how they will affect them. And the urge to be rootless and free spirited is subsumed by the urge to nest and build a safe, stable home. But I’ve never been happier.

I realise writing that down that it’s not remotely healthy! I wouldn’t actively recommend anyone get married or have dc because it’s something we are conditioned to sleepwalk into. I had no intention of doing either and wasn’t very enamoured of men, but dh blindsided me by being bloody wonderful.

Before having dc I used to find birthdays very hard, a time to reflect on getting older and the state of my life. Now I getting woken with hugs and demands to share my birthday chocolates before breakfast and life feels good.

These days people are quite sanctimonious about having no more than 2 dc, and are very disapproving of big families but I think that maybe we should all leave child bearing to people who really enjoy it and aren’t worrying about how it will affect our careers and our hobbies.

So basically I really don’t know one way or the other.

The happiest people I know are married and have/ don’t have children

Marriage - no, Nope.
Children- hell, yes.

If I could live my life over, I wouldn't get married or have kids

@Rosesareyellow

It’s hard work and boring. The happiest people I know are without children by choice.

I think it depends on what you’re interests and passions are. I have a friend who isn’t interested in having babies - she’s a real globe trotter and is passionate about travelling, so that and parenting isn’t particularly compatible. I love holidays but have never been caught by the travelling bug. I had childfree fun in my early twenties and then felt I was ready for ‘child-included’ fun.
Some people don’t plan a pregnancy and then that’s a tricky adjustment.
Some people bizarrely love partying, doing what they want when they want etc. but want a baby at the same time and are then surprised that it’s not the fun they imagined (what they really imagined isn’t really clear).

I have lived in 8 countries with two children and globetrotted to my heart's content. You can choose what your parenting is compatible with.

I didn't enjoy being married/the relationship shouldn't have gone as far as it did.
We split (more or less amicably. Aged 39, now I decoded to go at it alone (IBF via a sperm donor) and am currently pregnant. I can't see myself getting married again, I am happy as I am now, perhaps a 'together living apart' relationship would suit me better going forward? I'm really happy to have the chance to be a parent - I was ready for this for years and am glad a poor marriage/subsequent relationships didn't rob me of this opportunity - they easily could have.

Oh, I also wanted to add something. So many of my friends have drifted away or I have lost them because of moving so much. The friends you have in your 20s are not the ones you will have in your forties when many people disappear into work or caring for elderly parents. Without children, I would have very few deeper connections.

That isn't to say everyone should get married or have children. But your friend who married the controlling idiot who won't let her add men on social media just married the wrong person. I would leave my husband if he did that.

When I was younger I used to think (believe) that every couple was madly in love on their wedding day and felt 100% certain they were marrying the right person. I couldn't understand why so many couples split up. As I got older though I've seen that actually lots of people get married despite having significant relationship problems already or serious doubts. Now I go to some weddings thinking 'wonder how long this will last?' rather than 'oh aren't they perfect together!'. I suppose what I'm saying is, marriage certainly is only worth it (IMO), if you really believe you have found the right person and you have a healthy and strong relationship prior to marriage.

As for children, I personally love being a mother but it did test my marriage initially because the whole dynamic of my relationship changed by adding extra (small) people into it! This is where some couples struggle the most, particularly if their relationship wasn't that strong to begin with. Thankfully we adapted (eventually!) and found a new 'normal' and we have a happy family life. As for hobbies etc... there's no reason why your social life or hobbies need to end when you have kids. If you and your partner parent as a team and respect each other's needs for 'me time' then you make it work. The main thing that goes out the window is spontaneity, but hey, you can't expect your life to be completely unchanged by kids! So for me, that's been a hit I've been willing to take.

I think many childless women have very deep and substantial relationships with wider family and friends, in ways more so than those with dh and dc taking up their time (as of course they should).

Marriage is great if you marry the right person. It requires a fair bit of compromise but that is to be expected when you are sharing your life with someone. I love being married but I am married to someone that I get on very well with and we have the same views/attitudes on things. I can well imagine that I wouldn't enjoy being married to someone that I'm not compatible with or who is generally just an arsehole. Marriage with the right person for you has a lot of positives that far outweigh the negatives.

I think that different people enjoy different stages/aspects of having children. A lot of mothers I know loved having babies but struggled a lot with toddlers. Tbh I hated having babies. I found it really, really hard. I'd rather have a tantruming toddler over a baby any day. But overall I think parenting gets a lot easier and more enjoyable once the child is about 3/4
And yes hobbies do tend go out the window when you have small children, but you can get back to enjoying the things that you used to enjoy once the dc's are a bit older. Having small children is a slog, it's hard, it's pointless to pretend that it isn't. But it does have lots of highs and imho is worth it. My children bring so much happiness to my life and I have never felt love and pride the way that I do when I look at my children.

Of course there are some people who just don't want to have children and that's fine. Parenthood is not for everyone and I think that society would benefit hugely if we got rid of this idea that the 'goal' of life is to get married and have children. I think that quite a few people sleepwalk into this set up because they think that it's what they ought to be doing rather than what they actually want in life. I think that the 'goal' in life should just be happiness, whatever that looks like.

It depends, its possible to have a happy marriage and enjoy being a parent, just as its possible to be childfree and single/unmarried and happy, and everything in between! I was married previously and unhappy, I am extremely happy with DP but not fussed on getting married again. I have one DC, and I love him but if I had my time again I could see being happy both with and without children.

Been with my husband for 16 years, married for 5, 3 kids (Inc twins born when eldest was 2), a dog, lucky enough to buy our first house when we were 23 and just sold and moved again before that we rented two different places, we've travelled, had times were money has been tight and we're still really happy. We got together when we were 17 so have essentially grown up together. We've had loads of good and a fair few bad life experiences but we get stronger with all of them. There is hard times but what part of life isnt hard at times? It's all about how much you value your relationship and if you're right for each other but if you don't try you'll never know. Don't ignore red flags but don't have a guard so high you don't give happiness a chance weather that includes marriage or not.

It sounds to me like you just unfortunately know people with shit marriages and shit family set-ups.

You can absolutely have a fulfilling life as a married person with a family.

'Marriage' doesn't enhance my life - my husband does. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. We met young and basically grew up together through our late teens, 20's, and now in our mid 30's. We share everything in life including the work and responsibilities. He's got my back and I've got his.

We were happy for years without children and even thought in our 20s that we might not have any, but a few years ago, we both felt like we changed our minds (now we argue light heartedly about whose idea it was first!) Now that we have a baby daughter, she is the centre of our universe. Yes there's hard work and some sacrifice at times - pregnancy was very difficult for me and new parenthood is a rough transition - but there's so much joy and love. She's so worth it.

I do think we would also have been very happy had we chosen to remain child free, as we had a full life anyway; but actually I'm so glad we had her.

There is NO way I would want to get married or have children just 'for the sake of it'/with the wrong person.