Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

This is like asking if doing a particular career is worth because you know some people who hate it and most people seem to hate their jobs, so maybe working isn't worth it at all...

Point being there are billions of people on the planet and some in great, fulfilling marriages/relationships with kids, others in terrible one, some unhappily single and others happily single.

I always use the example of Olympians like Laura Kenny, who clearly has not given up her dreams or goals and still going for medals after having a baby. Or any of the Fortune 500 CEOs. Or someone like Kamala Harris.

An interesting read about how most big company CEOs are also mothers.
www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704763904575549842261018652

Or on a more relatable level, look at all the hobby groups out there - do you really think all the women in there are single? My sports club has mostly married people with kids, including a lot of women.

If you think we live on average 70-80 years, I really don't think the few years you give up sleep or the 18 years you have to full time parent should affect the quality of overall life.. People devote far more years to miserable jobs where they'll have nothing to show at the end of it, whereas with children and a partner you can have some sort of legacy and a love/bonding you won't get elsewhere. The trick is to not make marriage/kids the be all end all of life, and still maintain your own identity, hobbies and interests.

I think maybe getting married and having kids in your 30s is better as you've had time to establish yourself and are less likely to feel resentful at the youth and opportunities sacrificed?

My marriage and children 100% enhance my life and I'd be lost without them. However this has come about because my dh is absolutely the right person for me. He gets me, loves me, supports me and is a decent human being who is actively engaged in making the relationship a positive one.
If I couldn't say the above I think it would be awful. If I hadn't met the right person I would rather have built a diiferent life centred on other choices and found fulfilment through other channels.
Choose wisely and live well. Choose poorly and regret at your leisure.

@DigOlBick

If you marry the right person everything is fine. My life hasn’t changed since having children because my partner pulls his weight 50% and I still go and do my hobbies.

Me too.

Before the child is about 5 there is less time for hobbies as he/she demands a lot of time.

After that, it settles a bit more. I felt much more freedom to do what I like when our son started secondary school and could walk there and back on his own (35 minutes walk meeting his friends halfway as we live in the village) or go by bus before the lockdowns.

So I get him up and 6:45, he leaves home at 7:30 and comes back home by 15:50 -16:00. Sometimes he phones me to ask if he could play with his friends after school for 1-2 hours or visit them. So then he comes home by 17:00 or 18:00. Sometimes they invite him for tea and he invites them.

So if I have a day off (every Monday & Wednesday), I can do whatever I like. On Monday I take him to Maths tutor at 17:00 (and my husband picks him up at 18:00 after work). So on Monday, he must be home by 16:00 maximum. Today in half term his tutor is at 13:00.

Our hopefully, happy marriage of 16 years was absolutely worth it as at 20-25 I was very maternal too. We got married for the right reasons - mutual love (physical & spiritual), respect, humour, honesty, loyalty, open communication, support, common hobbies like travelling & fitness.

I was 25, my husband was 37 when we got married.

Crikey, no wonder you're a bit sceptical if your friend's marriages are your closest reference points. One of them sounds abusive.

As other PPs have said - for me, my partner came first and the marriage and children were secondary. If you set out with marriage and kids as the end goal, I can see how easily you might end up in the wrong relationship or making choices which aren't right for you.

I'm recently married, but we've been together for almost 10 years. Our first child was a happy accident and our second baby is days away: we got married because it felt like a meaningful, heartfelt commitment to one and another and to our children, rather than a sense of obligation or because that's what we "should" do.

I met my husband and just ended up
building my life with him. I didn't need a husband to build my life.

Only if it's really what you both want and with the right person. Even then it can go to shit obviously.

The fact you're even asking makes me think the answer might be no, for you!

Marrying in desperation because you want kids usually goes wrong. It happens!

A male acquaintance of a friend of mine said that he never had luck with women in his twenties, but now he is older, he finds beautiful, successful women in their thirties who want to settle down and have children, he's going out with women who are objectively way out of his league. He has no intention of settling down with thembut but is enjoying the power shift. I don't like him very much. He's a bit ratty.

So, when it gets like that, it's obviously not great. But very difficult to switch off if you have your sights set on babies!

A relative of mine is in this situation now. She's about to turn 36 and has found a new partner who she is basically trying to hound into having babies now, now, now. He's mid divorce and doesn't sound like a nice man at all. I honestly think she'd be better off adopting or using a sperms donor, but that doesn't fit with her dream.

For me absolutely yes, but I'm on the second shot! Never married DS1's dad luckily but that experience (and extensive reading of MN Relationships!) taught me what to look for and prioritise in a relationship.

A good marriage is priceless. Having someone in your corner, on your team, no matter what. My family are supportive but not the kind of people to be practically helpful. My husband is both. We lighten the load for each other (I hope) and where there are dreams we have the support of the other to make them happen, where we can. He's a totally equal/competent parent that I trust with our DC even when I would not trust anyone else. Which doesn't mean we do everything the same. Also I get to hang out with one of my best friends every day.

OTOH if you have accidentally wandered into marriage with a shithead it makes everything heavy. You're carrying two people (or more if you have children) instead of just yourself. Being taken for granted to do all the crap work is awful. Being alone when you're supposedly partnered is awful.

Having children is worth it if you want children. I've always felt immensely privileged to get to be a part of the experience of them growing up. Of course it's hard but it's worth it hard. Like having various pets or a demanding job or running a marathon, these things involve hard parts but they are satisfying and worth it if you're the kind of person that enjoys the payoff of that particular experience.

@AtlasPine

I think many childless women have very deep and substantial relationships with wider family and friends, in ways more so than those with dh and dc taking up their time (as of course they should).

It depends if they are childless by choice or not.

Before I became pregnant, there was an assumption that I was satisfied with my life aged 39 (I wasn't truly). I did and do have a good relationship with my mother and sister, have a good couple of strong friendships. Most other people that I know of are coupled up and bogged down in family life. My life was looking more and more disparate from theirs - I felt like I was losing people and I wasn't part of the parenting 'club'.

Now that I'm pregnant (and this is what I wanted) I feel my life is moving in the direction I want it to be. Sadly for me, 'the deep and substantial relationships' being single and childless in my late 30s weren't happening, as everyone else was busy with their families.

@todaysdilemma

This is like asking if doing a particular career is worth because you know some people who hate it and most people seem to hate their jobs, so maybe working isn't worth it at all...

Point being there are billions of people on the planet and some in great, fulfilling marriages/relationships with kids, others in terrible one, some unhappily single and others happily single.

I always use the example of Olympians like Laura Kenny, who clearly has not given up her dreams or goals and still going for medals after having a baby. Or any of the Fortune 500 CEOs. Or someone like Kamala Harris.

An interesting read about how most big company CEOs are also mothers.
www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704763904575549842261018652

Or on a more relatable level, look at all the hobby groups out there - do you really think all the women in there are single? My sports club has mostly married people with kids, including a lot of women.

If you think we live on average 70-80 years, I really don't think the few years you give up sleep or the 18 years you have to full time parent should affect the quality of overall life.. People devote far more years to miserable jobs where they'll have nothing to show at the end of it, whereas with children and a partner you can have some sort of legacy and a love/bonding you won't get elsewhere. The trick is to not make marriage/kids the be all end all of life, and still maintain your own identity, hobbies and interests.

I think maybe getting married and having kids in your 30s is better as you've had time to establish yourself and are less likely to feel resentful at the youth and opportunities sacrificed?

Kamala Harris is child free.:) Very much also depends on the children. Some people get a rough deal and unfortunately there is no way to predict this.

Marriage for me is a bit of a red herring - my life looks no functionally different now that I'm married from when I was in a long-term relationship and living with my (now) husband. If you are already cohabiting and particularly if you already jointly own property and other assets, then I find it hard to see how marriage can change things. I would marry my husband again in a heartbeat, but then we had a happy relationship before marriage, and that for me is key.

We're currently one month out from the arrival of our first child, so can't comment on that part, but I can 100% see how that might change things and I'm really hoping that we don't come to regret that decision and that the principles of team-work and equality that we've established so far see us through without too much pain.

Should say, for me, like others on here, it was definitely partner first, then marriage, then babies. I would not have been happy never to marry dh, but if we'd not been lucky enough to conceive, I think we would have still been OK.

I know some couples who have split after infertility, as they wanted the chance to have babies more than they wanted to stay with their partners.

@MareofBeasttown Yes, I meant she is married (seemingly happily, and is a step mother so not a completely child free existence) and still managed to achieve a career high. So obviously marriage isn't a deterrent to living the life you want.

How I see your friends situations:

1. They either communicate better and find common interests or divorce and find other partners with common interests and be happy. Very little in common ended many marriages.

They need to start making time for each other and prioritize their marriage and happy relation above other activities. They also need to have their own hobbies and interests. The relations with in-laws could be improved too. There are many useful videos on YouTube about that.

2. Hobbies can be integrated again after the children are older. Where there is a will, there is a way.

3. Jealousy is insecurity. He needs to work on himself. I love the fact my husband is not a jealous type and gives me a lot of freedom. Again, YouTube videos are very helpful.

4. Putting on weight. He can improve his fitness and go back to a healthy weight if he wants. It's all about establishing what healthy weight he wants to achieve, self-discipline, and developing healthy eating habits.

I am into fitness, healthy eating and healthy lifestyle.

There are never any guarantees unfortunately, you could be more fulfilled for having a family or you could be more restricted. That can be due to your partner/support system but it can also be how you feel when you have children. Some parents are very focused on carving time for self or career focused and will juggle all areas. Others give things up once children come along. You may feel if your working that you should spend all other free time with your kids. Finances can also be a factor, you may not have the money to do hobbies. There is no right or wrong and there's no definite answer. Go with your gut based on the people you allow into your life. Good luck.

Didn't notice the weight gain comment...I mean, people gain a lot of weight sometimes, single or not. I don't think anyone can blame marriage for weight gain. Maybe being pregnant and breastfeeding makes you more likely to gain weight, but if that seriously is more of a concern to you than having a child, then my god, NO, don't have babies for the love of christ!

@DigOlBick

If you marry the right person everything is fine. My life hasn’t changed since having children because my partner pulls his weight 50% and I still go and do my hobbies.

Was about to post exactly the same.

My DH is an amazing parent and partner. Life with him and our DC is lovely. Sure, it can get stressful and work/life stuff bites us in the arse now and again, but we’re happy.

If I had married my ex and had children with him, I think my life would have been utterly miserable.

For me yes! I found the baby/toddler stage tough and tiring but love the teen years. Ive had so many amazing experiences and seen the world differently through my kids.

From an eco point of view though - should we have so many kids? It wasn’t something I even thought about 20 years ago.

Marriage - made my life far better - more loved, safer, more adventures. Not always perfect of course in many ways. How can living with one other person every day possibly work really? It’s crazy what humans decide to do due to hormones and societal pressure.

Yes I think marriage is absolutely worth it as long as you marry the right person and not only love them but also like them. Personally I think your OH should be your best friend as well as your OH.

I don't think children are worth it. Me and DH chose not to have any and have been very happily married for 40 years. Quite a lot of our friends and family are childfree and they, on the whole, seem much happier than the couples we know with children.

A lot of our friends with children are divorced, quite a few more than once. Lots of them say having children was the cause of their marriage breaking down. None of the childfree couples we know are divorced and all have been married quite a long time - shortest 20 years and longest 50 years.

So many too say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

A lot of women only seem to marry because they want children and it's almost as if any man will do so no wonder so many marriages break down.

You need to marry the right person. Unfortunately it doesn’t always become clear whether they’re the right or wrong person until after the fact.

Agree with others that hobbies after children depends on the hobby. We’ve both had to cut back a bit but still get plenty of time to ourselves with a toddler - what I wasn’t expecting was not wanting to pursue hobbies in the same way as pre-children because I was so tired 😂

I’m pretty happy with my marriage, best thing I’ve ever done really. Being a parent on the other hand - knackered and I’ve aged ten years (DH very hands on dad)

I think life is hard, and (generally speaking) gets harder as you get older, whether you are married or not. The married state has its advantages and disadvantages as does being single. Again speaking generally, you get out of life, what you put in. I say that as someone who has been very lucky in the husband department, with a reasonably happy marriage of 27 years. Mainly in life, everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and hopefully doing things aimed at making our spouse or partner happy is part of that.

Raising children is probably the hardest thing I have ever done if I"m honest (speaking as someone who didn't have a great role model and isn't naturally maternal) but again, anything worth doing is hard and challenging. And DC teach you about yourself, take you down routes in life you would never have anticipated and stretch you. And I do think (again generally) they change you in a positive way.

For me personally, the point of life is love. If you are lucky enough , to be loved by someone, and love others in return, then it's a privilege. There is something very uncomplicated about love for ones DC in that they may drive you mad, but you would happily step in front of a bus to save them any day of the week. I know I would without hesitation. And I am (mostly!) grateful that my DH is there every day and feel happy when I hear his key in the lock, and still feel good walking beside him in the street, having known him for over 35 years.

What I haven't confronted yet, is being a widow after 40 or 50 years of marriage. (I hope I go first tbh!) I have an aunt in that position and she is utterly bereft. She says she doesn't miss having someone to do things with; she misses having someone to not do anything with eg have a cup of tea and an aimless spontaneous chat. And everyone just expects you to carry on and not make a fuss because bereavement is so usual in her age group. I can't get my head around it tbh or understand how she puts one foot in front of the other tbh She was married for 59 years. She does have adult DC who she sees every week. And she says it was all worth it.

Wow. I mean, I do different hobbies now but I’ve changed as a person and I like what I do. My DH hasn’t given anything up.

I weigh the same as I did before, I’m very happy with my DH and my DC are my life (in a healthy way). My life is amazing and I’m extremely happy with it.

I should add my children have changed me, I have more compassion, more empathy, more boundaries. They have brought new friends into my life, improved my relationships with my parents and highlighted flaws in me I wanted to change.

@Fourstronghocks that's really very well put. I agree the point of life is love and that this love can be found in many ways, within and without marriage, with and without children.

@mydogisthebest

Yes I think marriage is absolutely worth it as long as you marry the right person and not only love them but also like them. Personally I think your OH should be your best friend as well as your OH.

I don't think children are worth it. Me and DH chose not to have any and have been very happily married for 40 years. Quite a lot of our friends and family are childfree and they, on the whole, seem much happier than the couples we know with children.

A lot of our friends with children are divorced, quite a few more than once. Lots of them say having children was the cause of their marriage breaking down. None of the childfree couples we know are divorced and all have been married quite a long time - shortest 20 years and longest 50 years.

So many too say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

A lot of women only seem to marry because they want children and it's almost as if any man will do so no wonder so many marriages break down.

But I'd rather be divorced with children than married without. So neither of us wants each other's life and that's as it should be!

Sorry to hear so many of your friends wish they'd never had children Linsey.

@DigOlBick

If you marry the right person everything is fine. My life hasn’t changed since having children because my partner pulls his weight 50% and I still go and do my hobbies.

Your life hasn't changed at all?