Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

Honestly, when I look at my friends who are married with kids, no, most of them aren't happy. Some of them do a great job at pretending they are on social media, and they you go round to their house and see how tense the atmosphere is and how they snap at each other. Others seem to do nothing but whinge and tell me how lucky I am not to have children. I do know a few families who seem genuinely happy but they are few and far between.

I think it's a type of propaganda almost, that marriage and especially children are sold to us as the thing to aim for in life, or even as an inevitability. I remember watching my mum struggle with housework, cooking and everything else when I was a tiny child and feeling total dread that this would be my life one day. I remember feeling as a teenager that I should really enjoy those years and my twenties before the drudgery started, and I was quite old before it truly clicked that the drudgery wasn't compulsory. I spent most of my early thirties travelling, and loving every minute of it.

I haven't 100% decided I don't want a family but the older I get, the less appealing it seems. I have some physical health issues and am on the autistic spectrum and I think I'd struggle a lot without seriously good support. Many people have told me I'd be a great mother (I used to work with kids) but I'm well aware of what an enormous responsibility it is and I don't want to do it unless I'm sure I can give the child everything he or she needs.

Being married to someone you don't love or even like, and who doesn't like or love you either, and who treats you like a skivvy, sounds utterly soul destroying. I'd certainly rather be single than live like that.

Marriage was an absolute delight for me and I was very sad when it unexpectedly ended. I am now remarried and have children and am just as happy. I do have less time for hobbies but wouldn't have it any other way.

I agree it's all on a spectrum and we'll all feel differently about each life choice and step of whatever journey we choose or are able to take. I often think how can people find the newborn stage of having a baby boring when I loved having this tiny person to connect with and nurture. People saying they don't have time for hobbies until children are teens must have partners who don't pull their weight.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

Mine are locked in a til-death-do-us-part dysfunctional marriage, but dh’s are happily married and it’s his even tempered, good natured agreeableness that keeps us on an even keel.

My parents were both divorced twice each! My mum gave me a really low bar to judge men by sadly.

DH's parents happily married until FIL passed away. MIL has pretty much given up since then :(

I don't think it's really true that you don't know how a person will be years later. I just think societal messages about relationships are massively fucked up and cause us to ignore the information that we really should be paying attention to. Like whether your communication styles work rather than clashing. Or whether you have compatible views on the stuff that's important to one of you. Our cultural messages about relationships are awful - like expecting people to magically grow out of annoying behaviours or become more responsible for example which doesn't make sense. Look at how responsible or annoying somebody is now and assume it won't get significantly better. Or another unhelpful belief is that it's fine for people to have bad points if their good points make up for it. Not really - don't marry someone whose bad points are any worse than marginally irritating. Luckily we all see different personality traits as bad, so it's not unfair to dismiss someone for that. Another unhelpful idea, that there is some kind of magic one size fits all template and therefore if a relationship is unsuccessful it means one or both of you did something wrong, rather than simply being incompatible, which also leads to the unhelpful idea that it's unfair to break up with somebody or make them feel that you're displeased! Why? It's a really useful testing of your communication styles.

I really liked this article about how the messages about how we should choose relationships are faulty and that's why they go wrong.

www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

@DampSquidGames

Lana07 his snoring!

Can you sleep in separate bedrooms?

You are getting a weirdly skewed view on marriage!

Kids are hard and do change your life but they're also amazing. My husband is my best friend, yes he occasionally irritates me but I think that happens with anyone you spend all your time with. He makes me laugh everyday and I am so grateful for the life I have with him

How are these different experiences skewed, @endlesscraziness ?

@ravenmum they all seem negative with themes of control and misery. Not my expectations nor most of my friends

*Experiences damn autocorrect

Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts

Your friend is in a controlling abusive relationship. I would let her (presuming its a her, but could be a he) know you are there to talk if she ever wanted to. Let her know about woman's aid if she wants someone to talk to.

[quote endlesscraziness]@ravenmum they all seem negative with themes of control and misery. Not my expectations nor most of my friends [/quote]
It wasn't my expectation, either :) but I have to say, now I'm in my 50s, it's a pretty common experience among my friends. Probably half-half. And while both of my parents remarried and have been with their partners 40+ years, I wouldn't actively describe either couple as "happily" married.
The divorce statistics alone suggest that your experience is the slightly more unusual one. It's good to hear the more positive side; I'm just not 100% sure the rest is that skewed, alas.

@DrSbaitso

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

They would say so.

Was horrible being raised by them, though. I wouldn't have married an angry, shouty, fisty twat myself but my mother seemed to like him.

Lol. My parents divorced after 44 years and by then I had long worked out they were simply incompatible and so it was inevitable. Among my closest family members, sadly there were unhappy marriages I was witness to throughout my childhood. But I always still believed in marriage and always will. I do feel that even when we are able to identify behaviours/personalities/habits etc we know we can't accept, there isn't as much emphasis on how to leave that relationship or even that it's ok to leave, whether it's among friendships or work or romantic situations.

Yes, it's wonderful, providing you have a good husband! I love being married and having children is the most profound and beautiful and joyful experience of unity with another human being I have had.