Is marriage and children worth it?

[Zig27]

I have always thought about getting married and having children.

I have a few friends who are married. Some of their marriages have given me doubts. One friend married her husband out of desperation as she did not like being alone and always used to say this but wanted children. They have nothing in common and her husband does not get on with the in-laws. Other people have said they have to give up their hobbies to have a family, they made that choice to have children. Another is not allowed to add members of the opposite sex on social media and has to have a joint email account to monitor contacts. Others have put lots of weight on.

They always seem to moan and be unhappy. I thought marriage was supposed to enhance your life.

Is there no room for hobbies once you have children?

If you had your time again would you have married your spouse, waited for someone else or not married at all?

There must be some success stories.

Your friends sound like they have bad marriages. If you meet a nice and giving person your life will be all the better for it. No wonder they're unhappy. I've been in terrible relationships where it's hard to leave for one reason or another though so maybe it's that.

For me having children 100% worth it, marriage / romantic relationships absolutely not. There will always be a compromise, often huge and nearly always on the woman's part (unless you can find one of those men who don't take the piss - I'm sure they are out there but the effort to find one ...). For your kids they are compromises worth making but haven't met a man yet that was worth the sacrifice.

Marriage and children were miles better than I ever could have hoped for. The children are young adults now and they are fabulous.
I love been married and if I had my time again I would marry DH in a shot.
I would be absoultely lost without him. He gives me love, respect, space, companionship and humour. He has always had my back even when times were very difficult and challenging. He is my biggest supporter.
What's this nonsense 'Is there no time for hobbies'
Of course there is!
I love mtb, road biking, gym and mountain walking and skiing and cinema I have been able to do all these since the children were born, once I recovered from childbirth. I have not given anything up at all.

We have been together 31 years.

@backtoschool1234

For me having children 100% worth it, marriage / romantic relationships absolutely not. There will always be a compromise, often huge and nearly always on the woman's part (unless you can find one of those men who don't take the piss - I'm sure they are out there but the effort to find one ...). For your kids they are compromises worth making but haven't met a man yet that was worth the sacrifice.

So far for me regarding marriage/relationships it really hasn't been worth the effort/compromise/sacrifice.

What I don't understand is the comments about 'selecting the right partner'. People change and we cannot predict how someone will be in 5/10/20 etc years time. Only retrospectively can we say the partner/marriage lived up to our expectations and us to theirs. It is impossible to know in advance (nobody is an Oracle) how someone's behaviour will be.

I have a lot of hobbies. When DC were small and I was a SAHM, I would do them once a week and DH would have his time with them. They could be left at home from the time they were 14 or so, and I did them more often. I haven't given them up.

Marriage yes, kids yes, although I wish my husband actually had time alone together once in a while

It’s not always the partner’s fault for not being right - some of us are quite difficult to ‘partner’ ourselves. The state of being in a couple so often involves so much compromise. Add children to the mix and even if the person you chose seemed absolutely right for you, it can fall apart.

What I don't understand is the comments about 'selecting the right partner'. People change and we cannot predict how someone will be in 5/10/20 etc years time
I agree with you to a point. However when i was in my 20s I had plenty of friends and acquaintances that everyone could see was going to be a disaster because the bloke was a complete tosser, either boorish, a cheater or quite clearly an obvious twat.
I was always surprised that people were convinced they would change ' once they settled down'. I had so many conversations with a couple if friends that didn't want to be alone. I did try to convince them that being alone is much better than being treated badly but they wouldn't listen.
Often there is a lit if clues about how a bloke is going to treat you. I'm not saying its foolproof of course it's not but I always judge how they treat their mother and sisters, how they talk about their ex and how they treat service staff. I've walked out of a restaurant because a date clicked his fingers at the waitress and was so dam director her almost sneering when she was just doing her job.

However I also recognize that some men do change completely once you are living with them.

Oh well, I will never understand the urge to get married for the sake of it (loneliness? status? why?). I never got married but my partner and I have been together 30 years and have a beautiful baby together.
It's absolutely worth if you love your other half. All the compromises are nothing compared to sharing your life with someone who loves you and you love.
Children do change things. We both work full time and have no family around. Our little one is also a very demanding baby. I don't have as much time for my hobbies as I used to, but I know it's a phase and I will have more time in the next few years. For instance, I really struggle to find time for my allotment, but I haven't given up running. I terribly miss reading books as I am too exhausted at the end of the day, but I still read few books a year (and find Netflix-ing more appealing).

What I don't understand is the comments about 'selecting the right partner'. People change and we cannot predict how someone will be in 5/10/20 etc years time. Only retrospectively can we say the partner/marriage lived up to our expectations and us to theirs. It is impossible to know in advance (nobody is an Oracle) how someone's behaviour will be.

Yep.

Which is why:
a) marriage vows are rubbish "I will definitely love you forever and ever and ever..." "I promise I will always feel xyz way about you" Errrr.....rediculous promises but ok. Probably the only thing you can promise each other is that you'll be honest. Not very romatic tho is it....

and

b) when you think about it, in a way it's more stable to raise a child by yourself. Because when you introduce another person into the mix, it just increases the unpredictability of everything. This is financially harder though of course.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder :)

Definitely worth it for me. I love having a family. I’m early 50’s and my DC are grown up now, I have time for everything I want to do and I’ve help create three wonderful young adults.

Another vote for “marry someone who’s not a complete bellend and your life will only be enriched”. I have a nice life with my husband and kids but that’s because my husband is a mature and functioning human who does his 50% without complaint because he’s great. But I also have lots of miserable and constrained friends and have seen the flip side of what I describe. Without exception all of these people are unhappy due to fear: fear of being alone/never having kids so marrying a total numpty or fear of leaving the status quo so they stay married to men who were always numpties or became them over time. So I guess the lesson is: don’t let fear take you don’t the aisle or keep you there. But what with biological clocks and the fact that compromise is necessary for most people to some degree, that’s not always as easy as it initially sounds.

Lana07
People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder

Yes my parents are still married and they are in their 80s
DH's parents were married but were older parents ( for 60 years ago!)
However my sister had a very brief terrible marriage when she was young and her 2nd one is to someone 26 years older. That is long lived and very happy. My brother is in his 50's and never married or lived with anyone.

Dh and I are the only one out of his siblings that are still together. All the others have divorced.
So I don't think it follows happy married parents will have kids who will also stay happily married.

@notacooldad

Lana07 People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder

Yes my parents are still married and they are in their 80s
DH's parents were married but were older parents ( for 60 years ago!)
However my sister had a very brief terrible marriage when she was young and her 2nd one is to someone 26 years older. That is long lived and very happy. My brother is in his 50's and never married or lived with anyone.

Dh and I are the only one out of his siblings that are still together. All the others have divorced.
So I don't think it follows happy married parents will have kids who will also stay happily married.

I agree.

But happily married parents set a very good example of how the relations should be.

Why do you think your brother chose to stay single most of his life?

Why do you think your brother chose to stay single most of his life?
Mainly because he is a knobhead and no one would put up with him I imagine.

At least now it is easier to get out of a marriage or partnership, my Nan was in an abusive marriage, twice she tried to leave him, she turned up on the steps of rented accommodation, the landlords all said the same " l will take you, but not the kids" so she had no choice but to go back to him.
I think the pressures of life now are at an all time high, we are all working maximum capacity day in, day out, it takes it toll on relationships, it's easy to feel burned out and take our partners and children for granted.
Are we ever happy,? most threads on here, literally two different sides of a coin, the ones regretting marriage, and the single ones looking for a relationship and starting a family.
What l have learnt is to depend on yourself, be as independent and self reliant as possible, surround yourself with love, but always have your own back.

@Lana07

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married? Just wonder :)

My parents were married for 67 years and were incredibly happy. Always holdings hands whether walking down the street or sitting on the settee.

Both my siblings have been married for a long time - 39 years and 38 years. Both first marriages and are happy.

DH's parents were not happy at all. His sibling has been married for 32 years (again first marriage) and is happy. They do not have children

@Snugglemuffin If you would rather be "divorced with children than married without" it must mean you care more about having children than a happy loving marriage.

That's why I say so many women seem to marry just because they want children.

I get that the urge to have children can likely be strong and thank god I never felt that way but to feel that children are more important in life than a loving partner is, to me, sad.

Children grow up and usually move away, sometimes to another country. They will likely eventually have their own family. Sometimes (and it is not that rare) they fall out with their parent(s). A partner that you love and who loves you will hopefully be there until one dies.

You could always do a Darwin and write a list of the pros and cons of marriage then pick whichever list is longer (he chose marriage).

If you marry the right person, it's bliss. If you don't, it's worse than being single.

DH was perfect and being married to him was absolutely life-enhancing. Now that he's passed away I'd rather be on my own than with someone who isn't as well-suited to me.

@MoonlightApple

You could always do a Darwin and write a list of the pros and cons of marriage then pick whichever list is longer (he chose marriage).

Had to Google this and found:

Marry

Children — (if it Please God) — Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one, — object to be beloved & played with. — better than a dog anyhow.– Home, & someone to take care of house — Charms of music & female chit-chat. — These things good for one’s health. — but terrible loss of time. —

My God, it is intolerable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all. — No, no won’t do. — Imagine living all one’s day solitarily in smoky dirty London House. — Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, & books & music perhaps — Compare this vision with the dingy reality of Grt. Marlbro’ St.

Not Marry

Freedom to go where one liked — choice of Society & little of it. — Conversation of clever men at clubs — Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle. — to have the expense & anxiety of children — perhaps quarelling — Loss of time. — cannot read in the Evenings — fatness & idleness — Anxiety & responsibility — less money for books &c — if many children forced to gain one’s bread. — (But then it is very bad for ones health to work too much)

Perhaps my wife wont like London; then the sentence is banishment & degradation into indolent, idle fool —

better than a dog anyhow 😂 but kind of relatable ...

That's hilarious Ravenmum. I'm not sure that men's attitudes have changed that much tbh!

:) Darwin must have got over his reservations because he then had 10 children and put his wife in a mental asylum.

People who are happily married, are/were your parents happily married?

No. Their marriage was a dysfunctional, emotionally abusive shitshow that only ended when one of them died from substance abuse.

I went on to have an abusive relationship for almost a decade. When that ended I had a tonne of really good therapy, did some solo travelling and then I met my lovely husband.