How soon after your marriage did you realise 'this was a mistake'?

[faithfulbird20]

What made you think it and did you stay or leave?

He did, but the truth was he became that way. Perhaps if he'd understood that I had a disability he'd have been far more understanding, but he didn't know and I didn't know. To him, I was the abusive one. I shouted and cried and had what he thought were tantrums and had restrictive routines and rules to follow. He thought he was just reacting to my 'abuse'. He was at the end of his tether. All his friends thought I was the monster who was making him miserable. I thought so too. I hated myself. I wondered why I couldn't do something as simple as walk through a crowded airport without getting upset and crying and covering my ears. I thought everyone else must just be better people than me for finding life so much easier than I did. I remember my ex hissing at me "why is everything such a fucking problem for you?" when I was struggling at a party, exhausted, towards the end of our relationship.

I guess my point is that sometimes people become abusive, for whatever reason. There are no red flags at the beginning because the traits aren't there at the beginning. Sometimes people just bring out the absolute worst in each other. It's not necessarily the case that it's some intentional thing, with the abuser looking for a victim to purposely abuse, and that's why it's basically impossible to avoid.

Sure yes, there are the obvious narcs and love bombers and downright evil people, but there are also a lot of 'normal' people who become abusive in a certain situation. In my opinion, anyway.

Sadly I’d have thought gay, a friends friends husband was similar to this.
It’s easy to say, but start planning, and start a happier life, when you’re ready to

I got married in December and by March I knew I had made a mistake. I kept trying to make it work and read loads about the first year of marriage being the hardest, love language bullshit, how to communicate with your husband advice (I communicate well for a living ffs) and I kicked him out in the November. I waited until April for no fault divorce to make things easier. I cannot wait for my divorce to go through, I'm having a party for it!

I think your analysis is spot on there. Events such as bereavement, redundancy and ill-health can certainly turn a relationship abusive. The smug poster above would do well to acknowledge this.

I’m sorry you went through this and I hope your diagnosis is helping you to navigate life more happily.

I wasn’t sure on the morning of my wedding and then he punched someone at the reception, then I was sure 😬 Still stayed a few years. Anyway, divorced him and remarried 9 years later to DH who is amazing 😻

I disagree. There are countless threads on here of people ignoring glaring red flags that others can plainly see. What I’m saying is that I think an individual’s upbringing and role models growing up can affect how well they can spot the red flags. I also think your self-esteem can affect things. If when you’re young and a man showers you with attention and presents and is completely OTT, constantly phoning or texting, saying how they like you to wear certain outfits etc, someone who had grown up feeling loved and secure in relationships is going to immediately be on edge and suspicious of the OTT nature of the attention and think “there’s something wrong with this man.”. Someone who has had mixed signals of love throughout their young life and/or never had much attention from parents may well be flattered or grateful for such attention and think it just shows love and devotion, not creepiness, or someone being overly controlling.

There are people on this thread saying they knew it wasn’t right even before the wedding . They felt external pressures to go ahead with it. Others are lucky and don’t have the same external pressures.

There is no blame. Of course there is no blame. The way I view men and relationships doesn’t make me better than anyone whose circumstances mean they can’t spot red flags or feel they must ignore them. I don’t think I’m arrogant or smug as I think it’s purely down to luck and the hand I’ve been dealt - I’ve been very lucky to have had a loving childhood with healthy role models for relationships. And personal circumstances determine how easy/hard it is to leave an abusive relationship once someone recognises it as one. Is there a support network to help you get out? What about finances? does the person feel too frightened to do anything? I know I would have backup if my relationship went tits up. And I’d be ok for money. That’s not arrogant or smug. It’s pure fucking gratitude that they are my circumstances, believe me.

No. It’s not the right reasons. It’s wrong to encourage women to believe it is their role to sacrifice themselves for the sake of what a man wants from them.
OP would be absolutely right and justified in walking away tonight to start to build her own life that centers her.

I'm lucky that I have a wonderful DH and we've supported each other through many crises and I will be there for him come what may. But, if I were still married to my exH, I'd feel no obligation to stay and be his carer whatsoever. No amount of 'what will people say' would make me stay.

It's a hard one, though. I agree that no one is 'required' to sacrifice their life for another person. But it isn't simply 'what a man wants from her'. She may not love him, but her post doesn't indicate that he was abusive or otherwise 'bad' to her. It could be that this man has been a good husband to the poster despite his ill health. Perhaps he's supported her at times. Perhaps she feels a sense of obligation to him for the 'good times' in their marriage. If the man was abusive, a total shit, or otherwise uncaring then I'd agree with you. But we don't know 'history' between the two of them.

@CurlyhairedAssassin It does help if someone has a 'shark cage' developed during their childhood and happens not to have other vulnerabilities. But it's kind of problematic to say you would always spot and dump an abuser quickly etc. It comes across as you're saying women who find themselves in an abusive relationship are somehow inferior to you or stupid (or that's how it came across at first.)

But as you say in your later post, anyone can come across an abuser/potential abuser, what differs is how quickly women distance themselves from them.

Once someone's in a certain depth thouugh, it can be hard for anyone to get out.

@AcrossthePond55 It's still a tragedy though for someone to feel they have to spend their life with someone they aren't really into at all (unless there are some other compensations I guess- but the PP doesn't describe any- she just feels trapped.)

Are you still with him ? And how is he doing health wise