How soon after your marriage did you realise 'this was a mistake'?

[faithfulbird20]

What made you think it and did you stay or leave?

I have never been in an abusive relationship though and would recognise the start of one immediately and be out of there no matter what.

Are you certain you would?

It’s easy to say you would when you haven’t been in the situation but much harder to do in many circumstances. It’s often like boiling a frog. It doesn’t start with anything major and the ‘red flags’ are only really recognisable retrospectively.

There are lots of things people think they’d recognise and avoid in their life. Some of those people find that such certainty was misplaced.

The honeymoon.

About two months in when he was really secretive and odd.

It took me 16 years to leave, kept telling myself it was ok, it absolutely wasn’t, I was half my former self by the time I got out of it.

Some truly sad and awful stories on here.
Every now and then I think how things could have been different for me - but I still haven't concluded that our marriage was an actual mistake. I wouldn't have my boys if it wasn't for him, and he's not awful - just something of a manchild, and not much of an actual life-partner. But he's a good provider and he puts up with my moods - and I can't say that I'm any better of a wife to him than he is a husband to me - so we trundle along.

If we did split, I wouldn't bother again though.

I am certain I would. I put a stop to at least one relationship when I was 22 which had red flags all over it. I also distance myself from people generally if I don't agree with/like their behaviour/values, that's included acquaintances or so-called friends over the years. I do count myself lucky that I seem to read signals in people well. I hope that doesn't sound patronising or naiive, it's just that there are so many posts on here where people are blind to the obvious when it comes to relationships, both romantic and platonic. So many "she is not your friend" ones.

About 3 weeks.
He came home from work, told me he’d given his company away ( signed it away that afternoon) Didn’t have a job to go to but a vague idea that one of his clients might employ him for a few hundred a month. I pointed out his child maintenance, car, mortgage on his own property came to at least twice the amount he was expecting.
Wasted almost 5 years of my life on the freeloading, drunken bastard.

Im reading this as a happily married guy and Im sad reading all of your stories. Many of you got out but it took so long. Im glad some of you have found peace and other relationships. Men are shit sometimes.

I felt it about 8 weeks before the wedding, went through with it and stayed another 8 years.

Probably when we arrived at the airport check-in desk to go on honeymoon. The flight was overbooked and he wanted to take the cash offered and stay overnight at the airport travelodge equivalent instead of getting on the plane. Also, we had sex once during the whole two weeks of honeymoon (we’d had regular sex up until then- when I asked him
why, he actually said: “ we’re married now, I don’t need to make an effort”. I cried). Divorced now.

^feel fat and ugly and he says because I say it he’s starting to see it :(
if you say something enough the other person will eventually believe it to be true.
what have I done.^

@MoreKidsThanHotDinners Absolutely not. He is psychologically abusive or he wouldn't say that.

Max - these are women commenting on a site with a high percentage of women so it will be skewed. Lets go with 'Some people are shit sometimes'. There are awesome men out there, as well as the shits.

About 11 months in. We were together for almost 11 before I left him.

@Tyredofallthis1
Unless I'm mistaken all these stories are about men, and most of them about men being shit (at least). There is nothing inappropriate about Max's words, and no need to correct his own response to hearing these experiences.

@galvanizethis yes there are. I'm on my 2nd marriage. First husband died 10 years ago aged 50 just before our silver wedding. He was a wonderful kind person. 3weeks ago I married another gem who is very kind and at 58 I'm like a teenager again. I would say 99% of my friends have similarly good marriages. Don't give up.

Mine was about 2 weeks after getting married abroad we had a small party at a local hall which I didn't want and paid for myself. The whole time he spent with his friends doing cocaine while he left me alone, I was also pregnant at the time so feeling pretty exhausted and alone. When he did some speechs he didn't even acknowledge me. It took me another 7 years to leave. I really shouldn't have married him.

I agree with PP, this is so sad, a whole life dedicated to the wrong person but for the right reasons x

I had an abusive 28 year relationship (from the age of 16) got the courage to leave, swore blind I was going to remain single, but got love bombed and taken in by what I thought was a lovely man, only for me to realise I was with another abusive man, got out of that after 7 years...so sadly for me, I am not going to risk another relationship in this lifetime.

My DF was lovely to my DM throughout their marriage, but he had a very good relationship with his own DM and I think that transferred over in to how he treated my DM.

Im aware of all that thanks. Like I said, 'Men are shit sometimes'

Broke off two engagements before I hit 3rd time lucky. I was called the Runaway Bride but there was no way that I was committing myself to a lifetime of unhappiness.

However I really feel for everyone here, some of these stories are horrendous. Sending ❤

Having read all these posts I’ve made a vow to myself to say seriously to each of my children, on the morning of their wedding: if you have any doubt, please pull out now - hang the wasted money, your happiness and MH mean far more.

I have never been in an abusive relationship though and would recognise the start of one immediately and be out of there no matter what.

It really isn't as straightforward as this. I always thought myself a pretty strong person and would leave if a man ever lifted his hand to me etc etc. I ended up unknowingly being in an abusive relationship for 20 years.

I don't think anyone intends to stay in an abusive relationships, abusers are clever people. They pick at your confidence until you have none left, they make you believe it's your fault and that no one will believe you. It can happen to anyone.

Yep. It's pretty arrogant to say this. I think any relationship has the potential to turn abusive, to be honest. I was in a long term relationship with someone who definitely wasn't abusive at the start but it became very toxic at time went on. I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism and he just couldn't cope with it anymore by the end, and would shout in my face if I had a meltdown or was struggling to cope in a crowd, telling me to grow up because I was nearly 30. He truly couldn't comprehend that I couldn't help the meltdowns or tears and wasn't doing it to manipulative him. I had tried really hard to get help over the years and was fobbed off and misdiagnosed with generic depression.

As far as he's concerned, I was difficult and demanding and he was the long suffering perfect partner who finally cracked. The reality is he was abusing a disabled person who was just trying to cope in the world. Does that make him a serial abuser who treated the next partner just as badly? Not necessarily.

I have never been in an abusive relationship though and would recognise the start of one immediately and be out of there no matter whatI have never been in an abusive relationship though and would recognise the start of one immediately and be out of there no matter what

@CurlyhairedAssassin Probably virtually every woman in or previously in an abusive relationship thought the same.

@pixie5121 Please don't blame yourself for him being abusive. He acted like an ignorant thug.