How soon after your marriage did you realise 'this was a mistake'?

[faithfulbird20]

What made you think it and did you stay or leave?

I'm so sorry to read all these stories. As you ask, I can conform that there are kind men and I am married to one. My parent's marriage was abusive and I always worried I wall fall into the same trap. I have been married to my DH for 12 years this very day. He is very kind and supportive. He has his faults (differing parenting styles, sometimes a bit rubbish at communication, can't see mess in the house etc etc) but he is a lovely, decent human being who has my back and who I trust with my life. It took him 7 years to propose to me and I was very certain when we wed that it was absolutely the right thing to do. Don't lose hope!

My first one - 2 days into my honeymoon!
This one, 37 years, not yet…

We are going on 28 years later this year. My 2nd marriage, his first one but a couple of defacto partners beforehand.

I married a kind, loving man. He is very generous.
Unfortunately that doesn’t mean you’re going to get on for ever. I quite like my DH as a person, but years of bad dad jokes and not getting DIY done takes it’s toll. Resentment creeps in, and now we are two people who live in a house together.

I realised in the taxi to the airport for the honeymoon, he turned into a manchild as soon as we married. I spent the next 8 years trying to save the marriage because “marriage is forever” and “that’s what you do” and the last 3 carefully putting my ducks in a row.

My only regret is not leaving s as free a year as, by trying to save the marriage I just allowed myself to get into a situation that was very difficult to disentangle myself from so many years later. At the start I would have just needed a bag and a job, after those many years with a kid to consider things just got more and more complex.

I’m intrigued how long those that regretted it were together before marrying?

@VaddaABeetch

Jesus!!!!!

@VaddaABeetch That’s utterly shocking. I hope you’re safe now and have had support to get over such an ordeal. He’s obviously a monster.

Long before we got married. I was pregnant and we were living together. I didn't want to marry him, but I did.

In fact, being married saved my bacon when I left him. If I hadn't married him, I'd have had nothing. So in that sense, I don't regret it for a second.

Oh dear, this is bad, but I first married very young and I realised it was a mistake on the day. The second time I didn't realise it until a few years in. I've since learned my lesson and I will not marry the love of my life. We've been together 2 decades now!

My first husband I knew that morning. Of my dad had given me a get out I’d have taken it.

but he looked so proud, and we’d all spent so much money. We were miles from home.

o got pregnant on my wedding night and left when my son was 5 weeks old. Came back home, stayed with parents for a few weeks and then set up on my own.

married again 13 years later and couldn’t be happier. Feels very different. was so confident and happy with my decision.

trust your gut.

My first marriage, on the day, like wtf am I doing here, walk away, never did.

Not me, my sister.
Roughly 8 hours after the wedding ceremony he tried to strangle her. Thank god DH and I were staying in the same hotel.
2 year relationship, 8 months engagement.

My first marriage - the same evening. So about six hours! I found him in our bed with one of my friends.

I forgave him, like a twat. He did it again and again. Once after he'd been away I found half a packet of condoms in his overnight bag (we didn't use them), and he actually managed to convince me that using condoms with other women proved he cared for me and my health.

I was only 18 and very, very messed up when I met him. He knew this and took advantage. I can see this now, but at that age I couldn't. I was with him for three years altogether and it was such a waste.

Are you sure they weren't affected? My parents did exactly the same thing and although I put a brave face on, it affected me deeply, and still does to this day. I ended up on antidepressants because of it. Don't just assume your kids are okay.

Yeah, I sometimes think that. My last boyfriend was vile. Started off charming and lovely and thoughtful and I truly thought I'd finally found the One. Just a few weeks in, he came round to make me dinner the night before a hospital appointment I was worried about and on the day of it he took the afternoon off work to pick me up and take me out for a drink and then dinner afterwards. Started talking early on about getting married and living together (I know, I know) My normal guard was lowered because we had so many friends in common and they all vouched for him and I vaguely knew him as an acquaintance.

As soon as we became official bf/gf, he changed almost overnight. Started negging me and insulting me. Whereas we'd previously chatted and chatted for hours, he suddenly started creating these weird uncomfortable silences, and when I tried to talk, he rolled his eyes and said "you've talked about this a million times". He mocked me for being nervous about Covid when the pandemic started and washing my hands when I got in, even though that was literally the government advice at the time, and I have underlying issues including asthma. Just total gaslighting and cruelty, interspersed with occasionally being decent again, to keep me on the hook for sex and hoping the old him would come back. If we had a good couple of weeks with no fights or arguing, he'd invent something to get upset about and make me cry. Once it was the way I was holding a spatula. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was stupid or pointless.

I know for sure that if I meet someone genuinely kind and decent, I will never, ever take him for granted.

The mistake was mine. I am one of those typical 'nice' people who love helping others and thought they could help/change an emotionally damaged man, who hit me and broke my things even before we got married. I forgave him so much.

By the time we were married and had children, I had lost my inner strength and confidence so much that I didn't have the courage to leave for many years. He has continued to blame me after the divorce, even going to perpetrator counselling in an attempt to win me back, and then when that didn't work saying his counsellor had told him it was my fault...

Thanks everyone for asking am I ok. I am now.

I stayed with him 7.5 years. He financially screwed me when I left.

Many people still believe he’s a ‘nice guy’.

I’ve never remarried.

They always do, don't they? My own mother still talks about my first boyfriend as if I messed up by leaving him (he's very wealthy and successful now) when she knows he cheated on me and then spent months gaslighting me about it, convincing me I was insane. It's as if charming, good looking men are just given a pass to do whatever the fuck they want and still be considered 'nice'. It's mental.

Gosh, poor you and your poor dad - he obviously knew he wasn't right for you and wanted to give you an "out" without outright vetoing it.

Before the marriage. I acted like a knobhead and felt too proud to pull out. My mum and dad had spent 20 grand and I just couldn't. The marriage was boring and we had nothing in common. He wouldn't pay for things or have a joint account. He did this to his 1st wife and I had no idea. We have a child together who He sees intermittently but now he's got a new gf he's playing dad of the year. I honestly wish I'd never laid eyes on him and his passive aggressive toxic boring personality

I have one - and my marriage wasn't a mistake.

This probably isn't going to be the thread for people who are happy to be posting on - I only saw it as it was on trending for me.

While I'm happy with DH - I did dismiss how my family and his behaved before during and immediately afterwards - very very badly. After the first GC - our pfb- their behvaior was so much worse and it blind sided me and with hindsight I really should have expected it much more.

Well I've been married for 26 years and I've never thought it was a mistake. My husband is a wonderful, kind, caring man who does his half of everything and who is my favourite person to spend time with.

Less than a week. But I had reservations beforehand. I just hoped it was a set of circumstances that would work themselves out. They didn’t. They got worse. And the marriage seemed to give him a sense that I just had to accept everything and had no right to object. ‘You are MY wife now’. 😩

Of course there are kind and loving men out there. I didn't have any doubts at all on the day of my wedding and just felt relaxed and happy and looking forward to a lovely life together. That's EXACTLY how you should be feeling. That was 22 years ago and I'd feel exactly the same if I was marrying him tomorrow and I'm confident in saying that he would too. He's not perfect, but neither am I, and we have definitely had our ups and downs and big arguments etc, like any couple - we are perfect for each other though. Any bride who doesn't feel like that should really listen to what her heart is telling her and do something about it before the ceremony, even if it's on the way there, honestly.

You know deep down if how you're feeling is just down to nerves about the big wedding and if all the arrangements will go to plan/will your dress hold up etc or if it's something more serious.

I have never been in an abusive relationship though and would recognise the start of one immediately and be out of there no matter what. Before DH I was always perfectly happy to be single and wasn't looking for relationships like some of my friends. I had good role models growing up though, so I assume that if you grow up surrounded by unhappy marriages then you'll have difficulty in knowing what is normal especially if you have low self-esteem. Have you had counselling?