How soon after your marriage did you realise 'this was a mistake'?

[faithfulbird20]

What made you think it and did you stay or leave?

Two days into the honeymoon, we were excitedly talking about our amazing wedding (it really was, thanks to my lovely parents) when he said ‘next I want a sports car’. I realised for the first time that he had expensive wants that didn’t involve me in any way, it wasn’t ‘us’ as a team. I thought maybe that was ok so long as some wants did involve me. We carried on, had three fantastic DDs and a 25 year marriage in all - but that comment had put me on notice, and over time I became convinced that we would not last once the DDs were grown as his wants for post-DC life did not coincide with mine in any way. I called time when youngest was 20, no regrets.

And we were living together before marriage. Funded entirely by me.

He switched, the moment we got married. Literally on our, wedding night.
He knew, once married he now had legal right to my body and all my money (pre 1992 so getting seperate finances was a huge difficultly, and marital rape wasn't a thing 🙄😢)

Horrific. I'm so sorry.

That is such a horrific story - I am so so sorry. Sending you lots of love

My wedding night. I’ve never looked so lovely and my new H had zero percent interest in any intimacy. He’d always had a lower sex drive than me, but that hurt.

We met at uni. It took him 6.5 years to propose, then he had zero interest in planning an actual wedding. It took 3 years of cajoling (why did I bother??!) to set a date. I made all of the wedding plans. He literally chose the wine for the reception and turned up on the day 😂 Even the honeymoon he was supposed to organise took place a month after our wedding and it lacked in imagination too!!

It didn’t really sink in how rubbish it was until BIL got engaged a few years after our wedding… BIL was so involved and excited about his wedding and then he planned such a lovely thoughtful honeymoon for SIL. I wish I’d had that experience of an engagement/excited groom!!

Now my H has ED which he doesn’t acknowledge, so very little physical intimacy has gone to zero physical intimacy. I’m an idiot for marrying him, but more of an idiot for having our beautiful DC with him (he was actually the one pushing for a baby)!! I don’t want to split our family now. I do wonder at age 40 if I’ll ever have sex again 🤦🏼‍♀️ I only have myself to blame really, as it’s not like he’s actually changed. I haven’t decided if he’s gay or asexual.

Even if you’re married, don’t stay and tie yourself down if you have doubts early on!!

I think it was about 4 days into the marriage. Our ds was suddenly very ill and hospitalised during our honeymoon. He sulked and fumed. I told my sister when we returned from honeymoon and I was sort of bullied into staying with him.

I had to leave in November as the situation was so awful. I end up crying every time I see him and he thinks it's because I still love him...it isn't that but I am traumatised after years of having to gaslight myself to make it work.

He wants to start seeing other people now which would be ok but I am sure he will be an absolutely stellar twat to cement his bonds with his new girlfriend.

She's welcome to him....I wish I'd never met him.

To the women married to the revolting ( rapists, controllers, gas lighters), I am sorry that happened to you and hope you all are, or at least will be, safe soon.

I knew before I married that I didn't love DH but he was a nice solid man and I was usually attracted to pricks. I stayed married to him for 17 years. I cried through my wedding. However, we are now still friends.

I met the love of life 3 years after I left DH and he makes me so happy! I am.much more confident now about what I am attracted to though, so that has helped enormously. I would happily marry him tomorrow.

On the morning of my first marriage. Dad and I were in the car the way to the church and he said to me it’s not too late… now my Dad was never big on feelings and emotions but I looked at him, and then through the rear window to see the intended’s uncle and Aunty in the car behind us, running late.

That pretty much nailed that we couldn’t pull over because then they would too…

I decided to end it 2 years later. Went for a drive after work, got lost (mind elsewhere) and came home very late to find parents there. Mum started to ask questions but Dad knew, he just said ok she is home, it’s time to go.

I never really considered dad having much insight until typing that…

but it wasn’t the intended’s fault, he was a decent bloke, but I should have lived with him first and fallen out of love then.

My eyes were so closed it took me a whole 24yrs to realise what was right in front of me. I never ever thought I'd end up divorced.

I have a friend in a terrible marriage. She thinks they're 'working on it'. The truth is he's doing exactly what he wants & she's having to agree to everything. He rapes her, takes all her money, even throws things on occasion & screams in her face. Will she leave him? No. I hate seeing it.

@MoreKidsThanHotDinners why don’t you start your own thread so that you can get some proper advice. It’s just not worth staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. You deserve happiness. Life’s too short.

Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry. What happened after that? Did you stay long?

Please tell me, are there kind men out there? Has anyone married to someone kind and loving now? I have only known abusive relationships so feel like I can't risk entering into anything again.

@MoreKidsThanHotDinners
When you haven’t been married long and there are no children, end it, cut your losses and move on! There is no shame in it. It is far worse to continue on, have kids, invest more years of your life and regret spending your one precious life with him. I should know. 😢

@MoreKidsThanHotDinners
You really should start a new thread. You’ll get more responses.

On the actual day of the wedding. Even my stepdad who never said a word before got in the wedding car and asked me if I was doing the right thing. Still went through with it though. I think if we had lived together first it would never have happened. I think I got married to get away from my family situation which was a huge mistake.

I knew I didn’t feel like I thought I should feel when I married my ex-H but excused it because he ‘wasn’t as bad as the others.’ Cue an unhappy 4 years (apart from the arrival of my gorgeous DS!) where he got steadily drunker and drunker, more and more verbally abusive until the first lockdown brought about an unbearable living situation. I eventually left when he told our 3 year old that he wasn’t his dad because our son had curly hair and he didn’t, so he couldn’t be his! I should have known from the moment ‘we’ started planning the wedding and my mum had more involvement than him. He wasn’t interested in anything to with me and then with our son and I wish he hadn’t bothered turning up!

A few years on, I am 2 months away from marrying the love of my life after a whirlwind relationship full of love and laughter. I cannot wait this time!

Yes, I'm now married to the loveliest, kindest man now who loves me, looks out for me and makes me laugh every day. I adore him, and he me.

Previously I was married to an alcoholic who was physically and emotionally abusive. I knew the marriage was a bad idea even before we did it, but I persuaded myself that if I loved him enough it would be ok, he would change. It wasn't, he didn't. We split up two years after the wedding and they were without doubt the worst 2 years of my life.

There are good men out there and there is a good, happy life waiting beyond a shit marriage. (Although there's nothing wrong with being on your own either!)

Very soon with my first husband. He definitely changed when we got married. I stayed until he did two things that were unforgivable. Letting me take our 3 children to hospital while had had a suspicious breast lump examined was not the worst one.

I always joke that my first marriage worked fine as long as he wasn't there!

About 5 years after we got married he changed his job and stopped working away. Then I realised what a lazy, entitled, unengaged, selfish POS he was.
I told him he needed to start pulling his weight about the place but all he pulled was one of his staff!
As soon as I found out he was cheating I threw him out and divorced him.

Years later I met and married a wonderful man who was everything he wasn't.

Sometimes I think you need a difficult relationship to show you what you don't want!

I hope you got away from him. I hope you are ok now.

The day of the wedding. The light bulb moment was when my brother mentioned that during the vows neither of us even looked at each other. It was like a gut punch as I realized that I'd made a mistake. Then my father asked me if this was the happiest day of my life. I just said yes to him as it's the right thing to say, but it wasn't.

Forward to the honeymoon. He spent most of it in the pub on his own. We were in a really nice area and I wanted to go for nice long walks and to see the area. All he wanted to do was sit in the pub and get pissed. I am not a pub fan so we ended up doing things alone, on our honeymoon ffs. I comprised and spent some time in the pub, but he refused to do anything I wanted to.

I stayed for 20 years. I was a shell of myself at that point. I have two DC from the marriage which I wouldn't change for the world. BUT, if I had the chance for a do over, I either would not have gone through with the wedding / or I should have left straight after.

I do feel a bit cheated in life and that I have missed out on meeting someone who really would have made me feel loved.

As general chat, the wedding went down as one of the better ones amongst. friends and family. If only they all knew.

Immediately. During the wedding and before. Shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I stuck it out. And now, 7 years later I've realised that actually it was the right decision, I'm very happy, he's a wonderful man and I wouldn't change my life for anything.

I'm not sure what changed. But I spent the first 6 years regretting it and the subsequent life choices I made.

I will say however that he's always been a wonderful man and my worries about the marriage and relationship were not born out of red flags or concerns about him but from me and what I needed and wanted from life.

The night before but it was too late to back out. Parents had paid for everything, very traditional etc. it just wasn't an option.

My SIL first marriage she told her parents the week before that she didn’t want to go through with her wedding as she didn’t love him and he’d been cheating and they basically told her she had to go through with it, what would their friends say, it’s cost a lot of money and to give it a couple of years. She felt she had no choice, went through with it and it was over within 12 months. She’s been married to my brother for 17 years now.