Is my bf taking advantage - finances

[Loui98]

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

Phone the bank, cancel the card and order a new card and pin.

Have his bags packed and on the doorstep. Get your keys and card off him. Don’t let him take you for a mug.

You need to cancel that card even if you get it back. He'll have written down the numbers and can easily use it for online purchases. The bank will not repay anything he spends on it as you gave it to him. You also need to change the locks even if you get the keys back. He could have easily got copies. Just tell landlord you lost a set. Don't be naive about how far this guy will go to sustain his addiction/s.

You need to permanently block the card and order a new one.

If I messaged him does it make me look controlling

Who cares OP, just get rid of this useless waste of space.

I need my bank card back as I can stop the pause on it.

Don't do that, he'll have the details and continue to use it.

I’m glad you’re listening to what people are saying, I don’t need to add to that, but if you have another relationship with a man, please raise your standards! It’s possible and normal for a partner, male or female, to love and care for you, not lie and not steal from you. That’s the kind of relationship most people are in.
Don’t rush onto the next stage in a relationship, whether that be moving them in or having a child together, take your time, get to know a person. I’m betting that if you hadn’t been in such a rush to move in with him in the summer, the relationship wouldn’t have lasted till now

I read back through your previous posts and yes git rid of him today.

He's a con artist.
He was pestering you for months to move in with you.
Now you know why.

Cocaine, drink driving, stealing, disappearing, lying

He should be here soon so I will tell him to take his stuff and go. I wonder what excuse he will come up with today

Oh please get rid of him, he thinks nothing of your boundaries and nothing over taking your money when he’s blown his own wages.

OP its important that you cancel the card and get a new one. If he has noted the numbers he can keep using it online

OP, your ex sounds horrible and your current bf sounds equally awful. But you don't have to choose between two different types of abusers. There are lots of lovely men out there who don't steal and cheat and lie, and who are also kind, caring and fun to be with. You don't have to put up with ANY kind of abuse in order to get to the good parts of a relationship.

You were clearly vulnerable when you got into this relationship and you are even more vulnerable now. Please look into the freedom programme. Get rid of this freeloader. And start thinking about yourself and what you deserve in life.

Don’t bother arguing with him or wondering why. ‘It’s over’ is all you need to say. You don’t need to give him a reason. Be careful. Men can become aggressive when rejected- especially ones with addictions.

It doesn’t matter what the excuse; is not acceptable and if you do let him off he will just do it again

Honestly, I'd have his stuff already bagged up, I'd be tempoted to leave it on the doorstep. If he's got a key, have the locks changed already, and until you do, leave your key in the lock on the inside so he can't unlock it.

What he has done and has been doing, is completely unaccceptable.

@Loui98

With regard to what I am getting out of this relationship, when he doesn’t act up he is very nice. He is the one that usually cooks for us, helps around the house, tidies, can be quite caring and loving when he’s not acting like such a dickhead. My previous relationship was very different. My ex partner was very cold, aggressive, would get angry a lot, swear, has hit me on odd occasion, wouldn’t let me say good morning for example in the morning because ‘it’s morning can’t you just shut up’. So when I met this one, he had all the qualities that my ex was lacking but he has his own demons and I don’t know who is worse!

Everything good about my ex is everything bad about this one. For example, he would not drink, never did drugs, was hard working, responsible and everything bad about him, is what’s good with this one. For example, this one spends time with me, doesn’t get aggressive, can be caring, can be sweet etc, doesn’t mind cooking and helping out around the house, is always cheerful at home and never in a mood. Etc etc

I totally understand your perspective on this, I made the same mistake. I'd been in a relationship with grade a dickhead so when grade c dickhead appeared on the scene I thought he was amazing. It didn't take long before the true him came out-another cocklodger.🤦‍♀️

Geez, why on earth did you give him your card. Cancel the sodding thing now (if you haven't already) and then give serious consideration about where you're going from here.

This con-artist has no access to a bank-account because he’s run up an overdraft he can’t pay back.

Hence being paid weekly in cash. How accommodating of his employer.

He hasn’t lost his phone, he’s been cut off because he’s no longer paying for service.

Not paying you what you’d agreed. Borrowing money from you which he has failed to pay back. And now abusing your card.

I think your card has been marked from the very beginning. He’s groomed you.

Please, please don’t accept whatever excuses he’ll trot out, he’s probably had years of experience doing this to soft-hearted and gullible women over and over again.

He is a user, untrustworthy, and useless, with other things more important, than being a proper partner.

You're doing the right thing OP. He's a pisstaker not a keeper.

Good luck today @Loui98. I recommend you have therapy to work on issues you've had with abusive men and learn how to set boundaries and improve your self esteem-you deserve a good partner.

Stay strong and dump him. Change the locks and cancel the card.
He’s an adult and you’re not his mother so you have no responsibility to him even if he hadn’t stolen from you.
He’s not a project for you to rehabilitate.
The bank account excuse is very weak. I wonder if he was a money mule as if you’re found doing that even if you aren’t prosecuted the banks stop all access to bank accounts .

@EKGEMS

Good luck today *@Loui98*. I recommend you have therapy to work on issues you've had with abusive men and learn how to set boundaries and improve your self esteem-you deserve a good partner.

Please do this OP.

You've gone from one type of abuse to another.

And he's escalating too, he's arrogant and thinks you'll tolerate it. Men like him choose women who have been in abusive relationships before because they know you'll think they aren't 'that bad' if they don't hit you. But they are still not the kind of men you should ever have a relationship with.

Best case scenario he's an irresponsible, drug using, problem drinker and liar with no bank account and no sense of personal accountability. That's best case.

You deserve more than this and you're only 30 - plenty of time to do some work on yourself before dating again.

You need a new card; he can still use it if he has the details.

Get a locksmith round for when he’s there. Call your landlord and explain the situation and I’m sure they will send a locksmith.

Pack his bags, dump them outside, get the locks changed & get rid, it will be worth £90 to get rid of him. I don't believe he spent the night on the streets, he is probably shagging someone else.

My friend had an ex that behaved like this man. He ended up leaving her with thousands of pounds worth of debt. It started lovely but changed when they moved in. he would take her card too and use it, he pretended once that he hadnt stating it had been cloned. He was always 'borrowing' money off her, couldnt pay the bills. She ended up paying for everything and he too couldnt get credit due to his credit rating. This man will bleed you dry...