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Original poster

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 23/10/2021 12:03

Are you scared of him?

pelosi · 23/10/2021 12:06

So glad you’re not going to let him in.

Bag up his shit in black bin bags ready to dump on him.

Eddielzzard · 23/10/2021 12:06

He's deliberately made it hard for you to kick him out. He's manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing by saying he can't do this and that and he's got no money blah blah blah. He isn't your responsibility. He has options and choices, as do you. He's really blown it. He chose to spend all his money and yours. He thought about it, and did it. He's a manipulative, thieving cocklodger and it's only downhill from here.

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2021 12:08

From your thread in July

It’s funny how the last couple of weeks he is really winding me up with how he is acting but we have just agreed on a place to rent together! And signed! It’s almost like he thinks he’s got me now so can behave how he wants. Before anyone says it’s too early to move in, please don’t. We have discussed this and it’s difficult him living in another city and he is the one that wants to move to me

OP he saw you coming.

fumfspos · 23/10/2021 12:09

’ve read a lot about cocklodging on here and I didn’t think it applied to him as he was initially paying money. But the thing is, let’s say he gives £100 for food and bills, that doesn’t cover the money he’s been taking when using my card so I guess essentially he’s not really paying his own way

Cocklodging by stealth. They move in and then start gradually reducing their contribution.

He needs to go immediately because:
a) he drink drives
b) he stole from you
c) he can't have a bank account because of something he did??? What was that then?
d) Alcohol problem and possible drug addiction

It is not your problem where he goes. He can move in with a family member, workmate or friend temporarily.
These cocklodging types normally manage to find someone to scrounge off pretty quickly. My ex did this when I kicked him out - within a couple of days of being given notice to get the fuck out (gave him a couple of weeks notice) he had found some friends to move in with and scrounged off them for nearly a year until they got rid.

Also, cocklodgers/hobosexuals are pretty good at finding a partner to fall in love with as quickly as possible when they are in need of accommodation.

Don't worry about him. Not your problem.
And if he ends up on the streets - also not your problem. He can go to a hostel for the homeless and try to get accommodation there. He won't though - he'll have moved in with someone else in no time.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 12:10

@ExcitedtoTry

He’s treating you with zero respect and you’re treating him like your teenage child.

He is an adult and finding housing is his problem. Of course let him kip on the sofa if he really have no where to go in those first few days but if he’s out with friends… they probably have a sofa to offer him.

Seriously, not your problem.

Oh come off it.

Would YOU let a thief kip on your sofa?
Fucker can sleep in his car if it comes to it.
He doesn't need to spend another minute in OP's home or life.

Original poster
Loui98 · 23/10/2021 12:11

I’m not scared of him. His friend rang me again today and told me he has issues and to think of myself and kick him out. On the surface he’s very nice and he hasn’t displayed any behaivior which would make me scared of him. It’s his habits which have destroyed this relationship and his lack of respect for me. He doesn’t seem to think what he’s done is wrong when he called earlier I asked him why did you use my card when I told u not to and his response was ‘but I get paid and was going to pay you back’ but it’s not about that it’s about principle. Don’t use someone’s card when u don’t have permission!

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 23/10/2021 12:11

He's an utter waste of space. What kind of grown up doesn't have a bank account and doesn't have a phone so that you can contact them? What kind of man makes comments like I'll go to a petrol station and phone my boss to authorise a payment, for me to get to work, but if he doesn't answer I'm fucked?

What kind of fucking adult expects to phone their employer to bail them out so that they can meet the basic requirements of their work, ie turning up to it?

And you are 30? Get rid, immediately.

BTW - the £600 a month that he was expected to pay is the kind of thing parents charge their adult kids as a token amount to pay. I don't know any grown up that expects to live all in for that price.

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 12:11

He's irresponsible OP. Get rid of him our of your house at least.

How long have you dated?

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2021 12:14

@Loui98

Sorry for the confusion it was late when I posted, he has moved in with me.

He called me this morning from his work and I asked him if he used my card (he doesn’t know it’s been cancelled) and he said I did use it but I get paid so was going to pay you back. On the same phone call I’ve learnt that he’s just blown his weeks wage on whatever it was he was doing last night.

The reason why I thought is it ‘OTT’ is if I kick him out he has nowhere to go. He gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…

Should have thought of that, shouldn't he?

If you want to give him a chance to straighten up, two months max. After a long, frank discussion.

But I'll lay odds there's a pile of debt in there too...

fumfspos · 23/10/2021 12:15

It’s funny how the last couple of weeks he is really winding me up with how he is acting but we have just agreed on a place to rent together! And signed! It’s almost like he thinks he’s got me now so can behave how he wants. Before anyone says it’s too early to move in, please don’t. We have discussed this and it’s difficult him living in another city and he is the one that wants to move to me

Oh it's that fucker.
You were concerned about his possible drug use in July.
And then he started treating you badly as soon as he'd hooked you to move in with you.
Classic hobosexual. Needs somewhere to live as cheaply as possible - finds woman, falls in love, makes all the right noises etc.
As soon as the accommodation is secured he doesn't need to behave decently any more so he can fuck off for days on end with minimal contact and once he's moved in and paid for a couple of weeks, starts dialling back how much money he gives you (and he'll do this until it's nothing) and in addition starts stealing from you.

I was on one of your threads under a different username and suggested you LTB back then.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2021 12:16

@Loui98

He’s already blown his wages that he got yesterday so doubt I would get a penny out of him.

With regard to subletting, he is allowed to live with me and as I clarified earlier, the money he gives me just goes towards bills and food as I pay my own rent. It’s easier just to give him a figure and say it’s for everything (bills, rent, food etc)

Before he was living with me, he had rented a flat for cheap but gave it up to be with me. I know this is going to make him sound even worse than what I’ve described him but he no longer has access to a bank account due to something he did so he will find it very very hard to rent a place

Oh!

Bankrupt?

Fireflygal · 23/10/2021 12:18

@Loui98, when someone is devoid of decency or empathy then there is no sense in trying to change their mindset. It's usually fixed by adulthood so at 30 he won't be able to change.

The assumption we make is that other people are like us but that isn't the case. There are many people who are highly exploitative. They just are...it's part of their nature and like eye colour isn't changeable.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 12:23

If I am honest, I feel as though I shouldn’t have contacted the friend?

My dear OP, I want to shake you.

In the kindest & most helpful way though!

You can contact whoever you damn well please. You are a grown woman with her own agency. This friend has contacted you often enough, for exactly the same reasons you called him "where the heck is Conman now?" - it's a perfectly valid call for you to have made!

Also, keep thinking on the fact that the friend WANTED to talk to you. He has warned you off his own friend FFS! - Conman is bad news. Please stop second-guessing & blaming yourself like this -
If I messaged him does it make me look controlling

  • see what I mean? Who planted that false seed in your head - that YOU are the controlling one? Did Conman tell you that you are controlling for wanting his weekly financial contribution? For wondering why he stays out all night? Or why he can't afford fuel, or why he spends all his money on booze & drugs? Is this where that feeling is coming from?

Please sign up for The Freedom Programme. It will help you to stop falling for pricks like Conman - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

ApolloandDaphne · 23/10/2021 12:24

Well I hope you have seen his true colours now and do not let him back in. He seems to manage to fuck up everything he does, best not let him fuck up you too.

LittleOwl153 · 23/10/2021 12:25

Go through your cerdit card bills - work out what he has spent. Add on the last 2 weeks rent. This is what he owes you. Tell him to pay up. Then tell him to get out. Do not give him any more money or access to any more cards. Make sure he doesnt have acccess to any of your accounts or that he has any paperwork to take credit out in your name. Hes a disgrace. You can do so much better!

beautifulview · 23/10/2021 12:33

What are you getting from this relationship? You know that nobody else has a partner who acts like this right? Stealing, staying out all night. It’s crap. He’s crap. Tell him to stay somewhere else. You can then put your energy into building up a different life

Original poster
Loui98 · 23/10/2021 12:33

With regard to the £600 he contributes, with my contribution it’s £1200 so it’s enough for bills and food etc. I already pay rent from my own account. He buys whatever additional food he wants with his own money so his contribution seemed fair.
And yes I’ve seen his true colours and I agree that he does fuck everything up. His friend has contacted me to say that he (the bf) is on his way to me now. I need my bank card back as I can stop the pause on it.

He can’t come with a lame excuse as his friend has already told me what’s what and what he was up to last night, but no doubt he will spin it

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 23/10/2021 12:36

Good luck but get him to pack his bag, no coming back from this. You deserve much better!

Eddielzzard · 23/10/2021 12:37

When he comes home, let him talk. Don't say anything. Let him fall into the silence. It's remarkably effective at getting people to talk

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2021 12:38

Do you have anyone who can be with you when he turns up? In case he tries to talk you round or causes a scene?

Original poster
Loui98 · 23/10/2021 12:39

With regard to what I am getting out of this relationship, when he doesn’t act up he is very nice. He is the one that usually cooks for us, helps around the house, tidies, can be quite caring and loving when he’s not acting like such a dickhead. My previous relationship was very different. My ex partner was very cold, aggressive, would get angry a lot, swear, has hit me on odd occasion, wouldn’t let me say good morning for example in the morning because ‘it’s morning can’t you just shut up’. So when I met this one, he had all the qualities that my ex was lacking but he has his own demons and I don’t know who is worse!

Everything good about my ex is everything bad about this one. For example, he would not drink, never did drugs, was hard working, responsible and everything bad about him, is what’s good with this one. For example, this one spends time with me, doesn’t get aggressive, can be caring, can be sweet etc, doesn’t mind cooking and helping out around the house, is always cheerful at home and never in a mood. Etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui98 · 23/10/2021 12:40

No I don’t have anyone that can come around but he won’t cause a scene as his friend knows he is coming and will probably check to see how things are. His friend has been very supportive tbh not just this time but another time I’ve had issues.

OP posts:
TeaStory · 23/10/2021 12:42

This man thinks nothing of stealing money from your card. Get a new one, because I bet he’s written down the numbers on it.

CiderJolly · 23/10/2021 12:43

This one obviously has addictions, whether it’s alcohol or drugs, it’s sad but it’s not within anyone’s capacity to sort his life out for him.
Wish him well and move on otherwise he will drag you down with him.

Then raise your standards!

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