ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

[VivaVegas]

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

At 14.5 I think your DS should be the one to say if it's acceptable to him.

You might want to check your privilege on this one.

They'd need to check their budgeting priorities.

And generally.

Right back at you.

My ds and I always had a twin room when we went away. Last time we went he was 15 as ore covid.

What's weird about it? There's bathrooms etc to get changed in.

@AutumnLeafy

Actually. If OP is genuinely concerned about this, and fair enough that's up to them, why don't they offer to pay for an extra room.

Further abuse of op by this pair.

@Snog

At 14.5 I think your DS should be the one to say if it's acceptable to him.

Children and young people are not in a position to make those decisions.

He may feel very differently about it in future, as an adult.

Also men displaying the sort of behaviour ops ex has; are generally quite dominating and selfish. Their children's behaviour is a response to that.

In any case, op will be forced to let her child make this decision because of circumstances.

If OP is unhappy with the holiday plans and dad can't afford to pay for a 2nd room then one option if OP can afford it is for her to pay for the 2nd room for her son.

@SleepingBunnies21

You might want to check your privilege on this one.

They'd need to check their budgeting priorities.

And generally.

Right back at you.

Oh go on, do explain how I have shown my privilege in the same manner you have, you can do that whilst substantiating your claims that this is inappropriate...

... we're all waiting...

@SleepingBunnies21

There are many scenarios in which people, including teenagers, share bedrooms with people other than their parents. Dorm rooms at boarding school, for instance

Its like you're trying to hit the "completely irrelevant" point button as many times as you can.

Who could object to a young person sharing a room with their peers in a context like that?

people living a less privileged life often have no choice but to share sleeping quarters.

I know people living a less privileged life and the are all housed to ensure children, past the early years, are not room sharing with adults.

😂 oh I'M being completely irrelevant am I? Please explain why a young person sharing with two adults, including his parent, is inappropriate, but unchaperoned with peers is not. Please explain your views on camping.

As to the last part, perhaps you have only seen people who are somewhat underprivileged. Have you ever seen a homeless shelter or refugee camp? Have you ever seen multiple families having to share a home?

we're all waiting...

Wow, a self appointed spokeswoman and moderator for an entire thread (or is it the whole of Mumsnet?); while telling other posters to check their privilege.

@SleepingBunnies21

we're all waiting...

Wow, a self appointed spokeswoman and moderator for an entire thread (or is it the whole of Mumsnet?); while telling other posters to check their privilege.

Multiple people have asked you to explain your viewpoint, you have flat out refused and yet insisted on throwing baseless insults back.

Op, as before, you're not being unreasonable.

All you can do however is stick it, or pay for extra room (which they'll probably block you from doing, and which you really shouldnt have to).

Best of luck ... and only 3 more years, give or take of having to split parental responsibility with this "man".

Assuming that ex and his partner intend to behave entirely appropriately... OP is still right about privacy. Ds should have his own room, especially as he has expressed a preference for that. It's the cost of going on a holiday all together: ex, his partner and his son. It would make the trip multiple times less awkward for everyone involved.

The camping analogy seems odd - all teens I have camped with are thrilled to have their own smaller tents as soon as that's allowed! Or a tent with 'rooms'. There are plenty of low-cost ways to camp while giving everyone a bit of privacy. (Or as much as anyone gets on a camping trip).

If it were a 14 y.o. dd and a male partner, I'd be even more worried.

That said, unless OP thinks there is a safeguarding concern and has a good reason to think that, I think this one's a decision for the ex. If he thinks it is okay, and if ds does not object, then it is for his Dad to sort.

But I too would wonder about what uncomfortable details about their relationship he is being exposed to, even if nothing overly inappropriate happens.

Don't back down x

Let him get a villa. X

I wouldnt want to do this for that length of time. Id bloody hate it as either of those 3 people, but considering your sons age and the fact its his dad, id butt out. Its not up to you.

@lisaandalan

Let him get a villa. X

If they can't afford two rooms they won't be able to afford a whole villa.

We don't share with DS15 unless it's a stopover night at a Premier Inn on the way to somewhere, but I do know plenty of families that do share for a week or a fortnight when away, not many blended families though.
It really needs to be what DS wants, and unfortunately it sounds like it's share a room or don't go on holiday, so that's what he needs to choose from.

I don't think children of any age should be sharing bedrooms with unrelated adults. It's not necessary and is not in any way the same as sharing with parents.

I've just come back from a few days away and we had one room for my husband and two teenage boys (14 and 17). We sometimes book two rooms but the hotels we were looking at on this occasion were too expensive to justify two rooms.

I changed in the bathroom or the hall and the kids often watch tv in their pyjamas at home so it wasn't really a big deal. My kids would choose one room in a more expensive hotel over two rooms at a cheaper hotel. Other families might take a different approach. I can understand it might feel different if there's a step parent or partner present though.

@SleepingBunnies21, I’m happy to be corrected if you can actually spell out WHY it’s an issue for a 14yo to share a room with his dad and stepmum.

Because I have done it with my own parents. I’ve done it with my own children. I’ve shared room with friends, male and female. And I do not see what the issue is. Esp when you think that camping for example is different.
What will be different if you are camping that will somehow protect a 14yo from.. some thing??

@lunar1

I don't think children of any age should be sharing bedrooms with unrelated adults. It's not necessary and is not in any way the same as sharing with parents.

They are related though. It’s his dad and stepmum. Nit a random person in the street/a teacher/friend or whatever.

I’m also lost at the idea of privacy.

There is plenty of privacy in a hotel room. You can changed in the bathroom wo anyone ‘seeing you’.
Most people will have seen other family member in pj at home so no difference.
On thé other side, a family tent with no ‘rooms’ (like the one I have) afford very little in terms of privacy. But somehow people seem to think this is ok vs hotel room.

I have to say, I’m struggling tI understand the logic of it all.

At 14 I had my own little 2 person tent when we went camping. All my friends of the same age had their own tents or shared with other friends/similar age siblings.

DH and I haven't done camping holidays with the dc's yet but if we wanted to then we would buy a tent with separate 'rooms'.

related though. It’s his dad and stepmum.

She's not his step mum, she's his dad's current partner, and it diesbt sound like a relationship of long standing.

The father should not be putting his teenage son in the position of sharing a room with them (or missing out on his holiday). They've already been on holiday themselces; that money could have been used for a separate room for his son, but they're too selfish and their boundaries are weird (which fits with the infidelity and gas lighting).

When is a partner become a stepmun (or dad) @SleepingBunnies21?
Do they need to be married? Have a child together? Have been together for than 2 years?