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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just lost it over the wrong coffee

133 replies

losingitoverdecaf · 22/10/2021 14:18

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

OP posts:
themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 14:24

I don't think in a normal relationship where you love someone that you usually get this angry and frustrated at little things like this no. I pick my battles with my partner, and I overlook a lot of things and shrug it off that's love for you. I get irritated, but it's occasional and it's fine and usually not a big deal. What you have described is all little things but it sounds like it's a huge deal for you.

When I fell out of love with my ex and saw what he was, All of a sudden it was like o hated absolutely everything about him it was hard to Stay nice to him. Speaks volumes

Sakurami · 22/10/2021 14:26

It's not about the coffee, it is the fact that he is not listening,paying attention...caring. like you're not important

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2021 14:30

Lots of little things can add up to far bigger things as well.

You're not that important to him and he is not listening at all to you. I would think if you were doing this to him he would not be anywhere near as forgiving as you have been.

SwanShaped · 22/10/2021 14:30

Like above said, it’s not the coffee. He doesn’t listen to you or care about what you like. You may as well be anyone.

eleanorsos · 22/10/2021 14:38

I think PP is right - my DH does lots of these things and they are annoying but generally I let them go because our relationship is good otherwise, he's a great dad and we get on well. For the same reason I'm sure he overlooks all the very annoying stuff I do.

Sounds to me like he just irritates you as a person - maybe you really just don't like him that much? Which is fair enough but maybe not destined to be a happy relationship, and it's OK to call time if you're miserable!

1forAll74 · 22/10/2021 14:46

You are not going to find much harmony at all, if you are getting snappy,angry and irritable about small things all the time, and your partner won't be happy with this either, as he doesn't think along the same lines as you. Have a break .

Original poster
losingitoverdecaf · 22/10/2021 15:07

@AttilaTheMeerkat what makes you think he wouldn’t be as forgiving? I just feel like a monster being so angry all the time.

OP posts:
GrapeViney · 22/10/2021 15:10

What exactly do you mean by "lost it"?

Yes him not listening or being forgetful I imagine is very frustrating, but losing your temper frequently over this stuff isn't fair on him or the correct way of dealing with it. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/10/2021 15:14

Anger was the defining feature of my last marriage. Because he was a wanker and I didn't like him. When I left, all the anger was gone.

There's a recurring theme that he doesn't listen or care what you want. That's shit behaviour.

OtterAndDog · 22/10/2021 15:15

Sounds like you find him irritating and unlikable. You don't like him so stop trying to force yourself to. You'd be happier single, with your own space - just move on x

JurgensCakeBaby · 22/10/2021 15:16

It's not ok to lose it because someone bought the wrong coffee. If you're not happy in the relationship leave, don't get angry over nothing, he's a person too

Original poster
losingitoverdecaf · 22/10/2021 15:27

@GrapeViney I yelled/vented at him. You’re right, it is frustrating and doesn’t feel healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
losingitoverdecaf · 22/10/2021 15:32

@JurgensCakeBaby it’s not just about the coffee

OP posts:
Collaborate · 22/10/2021 15:34

You're right. It's not healthy. It sounds abusive. He should probably end the relationship.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 15:35

He’s probably wondering what he’s done so wrong Op. can you apologise to him about the coffee things and the way your reacted whilst you go off and figure out what you are going to do about your relationship? He’s probably been left feeling awful about it and it’s not fair. If it is a big resentment thing that has built up over time, the last thing he will want is to feel like he has done something wrong and is stepping on eggshells around you. No one should be made to feel like that, but at least you are aware it it and you can try and rectify it

ErickBroch · 22/10/2021 15:38

That sounds incredibly frustrating and is the frustration is a combination of actually falling out of love in the relationship (and therefore way more irritable with him) and also, his lack of focus or interest being an instigating factor in this. Sounds like a cycle. I think it's time to call it quits as I can't see how that will get any better?

Frymetothemoon · 22/10/2021 15:39

@Sakurami

It's not about the coffee, it is the fact that he is not listening,paying attention...caring. like you're not important
This absolutely

Arguing over insignificant things is a sign of other frustrations

Ellextra · 22/10/2021 15:40

Might sound a bit out there but it could be hormonal

That's not to dismiss your very valid feelings, it's just that with hormonal fluctuations they can be magnified

I started going wonky around 40, progressed to totally losing it over trivial things

Tracked periods and saw a pattern...

Again, not dismissing tour feelings, just focusing on the part where you say your reaction is disproportionate

picklemewalnuts · 22/10/2021 15:42

It sounds as though he isn't actually looking at or listening to you, so over time you feel invisible.

DH is extremely set in his ways. He does what he's always done, despite many conversations where we agree to do something different. It's very frustrating. If you take an individual incident in isolation then it sounds like an over reaction.
As a response to being routinely overlooked, less so.

Do you shop at his house? Fill his cupboards with things you like and want and need and he doesn't. See how it goes.

He may be being accidentally selfish, or he may value his choices above yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 15:43

Stop ignoring your instincts. This relationship is all wrong, it's never going to get better, and you know it. You've wasted enough time, move on.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 22/10/2021 15:47

Yea this would boil my piss too OP. Eg. I expect my partner to buy the items I like and know what products I like, and how to prepare them the way I like, not feel as if a stranger is in my house lol.
It's the same as us learning what their fave cut of steak is and how to cook it correctly, even though we might never choose to eat steak if we were alone. Double standards won't fly with me!

mumjustmum · 22/10/2021 15:51

I could have written this about my husband.
We have three very young children.
If I were in your position, I'd run. Please please run. This won't improve.

Tyredofallthis1 · 22/10/2021 15:53

I think I would ask - is there a pattern?

There seems to be an underlying level of little niggles. He buys stuff that you can't or don't use. He asks you to repeat yourself when you know that he's heard you. He keeps asking about things that you have already explained to him. It sounds utterly exhausting and it must wear you down.

I suggest that you try not to react, but keep a diary or journal somewhere where he can't find it. See if there is a pattern. Does it happen often or just now and again? Is it after something or before something or is it random?

When he asks you to repeat yourself even though you know he heard, can you see a pattern in the context? Is it about particular subjects or questions?

He gets coffee that you either don't have the machine for or don't drink. Is coffee important to you or something that you have now and again? What is the end result - do you have to go out and go shopping or is it something that can work around?

All these little niggles can exhaust and overwhelm you and keep you on the back foot. It can make everything hard work. It's hard not to react to this, but what happens if you don't react?

Take care of yourself.

mumjustmum · 22/10/2021 15:55

For instance, this week, my husband and I were having sex and he did something I don't like and find painful.
I've told him REPEATEDLY for 5.5 years I don't like this and find it painful in the past.
I told him twice during this weeks sex to stop, the third time I LOST MY SHIT.

He then is all 'wounded fucking soldier' who "just got carried away".

He doesn't give a fuck about me, and if we didn't have three young children I'd have left a year ago. Run op, please please run. Please.

Ellextra · 22/10/2021 15:57

@mumjustmum

For instance, this week, my husband and I were having sex and he did something I don't like and find painful. I've told him REPEATEDLY for 5.5 years I don't like this and find it painful in the past. I told him twice during this weeks sex to stop, the third time I LOST MY SHIT.

He then is all 'wounded fucking soldier' who "just got carried away".

He doesn't give a fuck about me, and if we didn't have three young children I'd have left a year ago. Run op, please please run. Please.

That's awful Flowers

I would leave my husband if he did that to me. I appreciate it's easier said than done though.