I just lost it over the wrong coffee

[losingitoverdecaf]

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

Alright no need to get pissy with me too.

Look you were concerned about how angry you were around him and questioning why you lost it over coffee gate, I was offering a reason why you might feel like that. (Suppressing how you feel, not communicating your needs, letting frustrations build up ).

I'm just offering that perspective.

@SmileyClare thanks for your perspective.

My pissy self and I will now get on with things!

Have you managed to get rid of him? He's had it that good with you, he may well not let go of his cashcow without a fight. Sounds like he has ongoing money issues and has been leaning on you, and you are just beginning to realise that. He needs a lodger to help with his mortgage, he can't afford his own car, and you've been putting money into a joint account.for holidays that haven't happened. I hope you get your money back and can disentangle yourself.

@Opentooffers it’s weird. He doesn’t have cash flow issues (I see what he earns) but I do think he has a very offbeat attitude towards money.

I said that I would call him today (no sign of him over the weekend) but I’m going to speak to a counsellor before I do that.

I’m really frazzled because he has been generous and kind with lots of things and I don’t fundamentally think he’s a bad guy at all. It’s easy to focus on the coffee being wrong when there were other items that weren’t, I hold my hands up.

But the annoyances and the reality of the money situation is really dawning on me. The other day he agreed that he should be doing more in terms of laundry and utilities.

It sounds like you're not getting as much out of this relationship as he is and he doesn't have the empathy or desire to see it from your point of view.

I think you know what to do. Suggest a break maybe? See how you feel without him. Although I think you already know.

Because its really not normal to feel angry about a few slight things, unless there is something else going on? My husband has bought the wrong foods before, it really doesn't matter! I laugh it off. If feeling angry is.your automatic response to your partner, then I.dont think you are both a good fit. He should make you feel happy.

It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour.

Reminds me of some twat of an acquaintance, bragging that he doesn't properly listen to women or accept a difference of opinion until the woman has repeated herself often enough to get frustrated & possibly shouty.

He was actually proud of himself, thought himself very clever for it.
It's a deliberate wind-up, done to destabilise & undermine. Very much from the school of Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Perfect".

I told him I'd be warning female friends, because men who enjoy not accepting women's "no" are usually rapey bastards. He didn't enjoy that - we've not spoken again
Think I was meant to be some kind of mixture of cowed & impressed ... tosser.

@ChargingBuck

It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour.

Reminds me of some twat of an acquaintance, bragging that he doesn't properly listen to women or accept a difference of opinion until the woman has repeated herself often enough to get frustrated & possibly shouty.

He was actually proud of himself, thought himself very clever for it.
It's a deliberate wind-up, done to destabilise & undermine. Very much from the school of Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Perfect".

I told him I'd be warning female friends, because men who enjoy not accepting women's "no" are usually rapey bastards. He didn't enjoy that - we've not spoken again
Think I was meant to be some kind of mixture of cowed & impressed ... tosser.

Excellent post.

There definitely is a type of covert behaviour that likes to wind women up, play dumb and enjoy that they have caused them to be really frustrated.

It gives them a really controlling kick.
Like a sport for them.

I think it implies that they are really fxxked up and not someone I would want to be involved with.

I definitely think you need to take at the very least, a break and really give this some serious reflection.

Of course he has some good points, they usually do, but the truth is he is really annoying you with his disrespect and he is using you financially.

You sound far too good for him.

Value yourself OP.