I just lost it over the wrong coffee

[losingitoverdecaf]

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

@AttilaTheMeerkat I know he hasn’t had a great deal of long-term relationships. His longest was 2 years (not me). We’re both 34.

@Bluntness100

And if a woman came on here and said her husband yelled at her like this for getting it wrong she’d be told to leave him fast, to run and never look back

Yes, but then we'd be in the position of advising the husband.

The shouted at person should consider leaving, and the shouty person should work out why they're shouting, and that will help them to work out how to stop.

The advice is the same, regardless of which sex is playing which role.

OP,

Why are you putting yourself through the stress of this man.

He sounds dim, tedious and bloody annoying.

Very young children have a habit sometimes of asking the same question again and again as they just love to chat and engage.

It can be very wearing at times.

How you can bear to be with someone so irritatingly thick that he can't remember the correct coffee or milk.

Stop wasting time and get rid of him.

This level of irritation is not good for you and is unnecessary.

Is he paying for your car?
If not why is he driving it and you are loosing the convenience of it outside your door?

He's at yours all the time?

You need a break from him.

Send him home.

I love my coffee too.

I just couldn't be dealing with that level of stupidity.

My children can pick up the correct milk and a bag of the beans i like.

It's really basic stuff.

10000 x Yes

@losingitoverdecaf

OK then. The bit inside you that gets dismissed: that's the real you. That's your heart, your nature, it's your soul. It's your true voice, and it's the part of you that's in charge of how you feel, so if that part is peaceful and relaxed, you are peaceful and relaxed. If that part is angry, you are angry. It's the part of you that you need to take care of, because you can't be happy unless that part of you is happy.

The other part of you is the 'conditioned' part of you: it's all your training, all the examples you were set, all the things that people who weren't you told you should be your 'shoulds'. It's the representation of all the pressures put on you by the outside world.

Currently, your conditioning is winning, and your heart/soul/real/natural part is having tantrums. This is because she hasn't been listened to, ever. She's screaming her head off, trying to get heard, and she keeps getting told to shut up by your conditioned part. But every now and again, over some seemingly insignificant thing, she screams so loudly that even the outside world can hear it.

Your emotional self is something you have to take care of as it it's a child you're looking after; it will never grow up. Emotions are always a bit wild when they get set off. When we turn into adults, we parent our emotional selves in the way that's been demonstrated to us by our parents, so, if that wasn't particularly healthy, we end up with something inside us that we feel we can't really control. It feels a bit crazy, a bit 'extra', a bit wild.

How do you parent a child that keeps getting upset? You LISTEN to it, and you keep it away from the source of the upset. You don't try to make it like something it doesn't like. You respect it, and try to find it a life that it finds settling and enjoyable. This minimises tantrums and wobbles, and maximises peacefulness, curiosity and openness.

Do this for yourself. Your feelings aren't something to be minimised: they are YOU. Respect them. Put yourself in places and with people that make you feel nurtured and calm. After you do this for a while, the child inside you will quiet down, and she'll have calmer reactions that make more sense. These will be your boundaries. She'll have a 'No, I didn't like that very much... oh, no, he's done it again!' response, and you'll move away from that person. No tantrum.

And then what you've got is self respect (because you are respecting your feelings, and you will respect your own mature, calm response), and a life where nobody gets to piss you off for long, so you'll be much calmer.

[quote losingitoverdecaf]@Snoken I feel a great deal for you. That is incredibly thoughtless after such a long time.[/quote]
Just don’t let that be you. It’s much easier to get out now. After 2 years you shouldn’t feel like you are, you should still be in the honeymoon phase. I don’t think he’s right for you.

mumjustmum it is death by a 1000 cuts, and it is far easier to leave when the children are small. Maybe not physically, but emotionally.

I was in a similar position to you, stayed for similar reasons, and it was a mistake. I wish I had left when my kids were small.

I thought that I had lost my teenage son, as he had lured him to "team dad" and started to treat me like his father did. All ok now, but that was honestly the worst period of my life.

I agree with Bluntness the relationship is abusive.

It's a classic cycle of abuse to lose your temper, shout, criticise and follow that with (your words) remorse, affection, telling him he's awesome.

For the first time since you've known him he's bought de caffeinated coffee. And so what if he buys you some things you don't like? Yet posters are calling him "dense" "how can you stay with someone so thick?" etc

Maybe the poor sod buys a few things he fancies eating or drinking.

For perspective, imagine you're in your next door neighbour's house and can hear your angry ranting at your partner, through the walls.
Would you think it sounded like a healthy equal partnership?

Do the decent thing and end this instead of blowing hot and cold with this man.

As I see it, he either doesn't care enough about you to actually pay attention to what you like or want, or he's doing it on purpose to push your buttons. Neither is good.

How much does he contribute financially? Does he pay for the fuel in your car that he uses? Contribute to wear and tear? Pay for the food he eats at your house? Contribute to utility bills? Does he borrow money off you?

And yes, it's not about the coffee. Only a pillock would think it was.

I once lost my shit over a tin of spag bol from netto. Except I couldn't care less about the crappy tin of barely food. It was the fact this girl constantly took my stuff despite me telling her to pack it in, time and time and time again. She bought me another tin after I yelled at her about her lack of respect and I could not get it through to her that it was not about the tin of food.

It is not recoverable. You really would be better off ending things or at least taking a step back and not having him mooch off you while you decide if you even want to go see a film with him once in a while.

@Bluntness100

And if a woman came on here and said her husband yelled at her like this for getting it wrong she’d be told to leave him fast, to run and never look back

She's here. And she's being told to end the relationship.

And stop pretending male and female behaviour is exactly the same. Men kill women with frightening regularity. Women don't kill men in situations like this. It's tiresome whataboutary and it's constant.

Male abuse is often fatal and frequently injures women physically (head injuries) in a life limiting way. Female abuse isn't OK but it isn't the same.

Cut out the coffee. Sounds like an addict that can't get a fix getting that angry. Caffeine is a stimulant and like all drugs you get a higher and higher tolerance to it.

Go and see your doc for a chat. It could be low level depression creeping in too.

Remember it's been a horrible two years for everyone, we're all frazzled and at our wits end. Every couple are probably sick of the sight of each other at the moment.

This will pass. This feeling is transient.

I 1000% get you op... I only like 1 particular sort of chocolate.. In the 8 years I had been with dh that's all he had ever seen me eat. One day he gave me a huge bar of another sort.... I absolutely cried.. He had absolutely no thought for me or knew me at all. He didn't care enough to. Straw that broke the camel's back
..
He was enraged I wasn't grateful..

male abuse is often fatal and frequently injures women physically. Female abuse isn't ok but it's not the same

I agree, but this thread is not about an abusive man injuring a woman. It's lots of people bending over backwards to excuse a woman frequently losing her temper with her partner, and continually blowing hot and cold with her emotions.

Yes everyone snaps at their partner occasionally but this is a continuous toxic cycle.

I agree with the general consensus; end it. Have an adult conversation about what's wrong with the relationship instead of venting your anger over trivial matters.

@SmileyClare I haven’t done half of the things you have insinuated that I have done in your post. I don’t follow the ‘cycle of abuse’. I tell him I’m frustrated with him and explain the reasons why. I have yelled on occasion, yep. For what it’s worth he’s yelled back. Have you never snapped? Lucky you.

I don’t ‘rant and rave’. I’m not engaged in a ‘continuously toxic cycle’ and I have brought this issue(s) to his attention and I’m taking actions to address it. Me being pissed off with him doesn’t constitute abuse, however you have interpreted my posts.

Ok maybe I have misinterpreted what you've written. Look you're (quote) "snappy and rude to him on a regular basis"

Maybe it's his fault for being annoying, doing things wrong, not listening to everything you say and he deserves it.

It's difficult to judge a relationship on a few anecdotes. However, it seems clear he irritates you, you're angry and pissed off with him, for whatever reason.

You don't seem able to communicate with each other. Something is very wrong with the way you interact with each other. I'm not sure you can change this dynamic you've both fallen into.

I'm no relationship expert, but that's my take on things

@TheFoundations that’s brought a tear to my eye being honest.

I’ve asked him to come and get his stuff at the weekend.

Op, it could be that you are not compatible or you are highly irritated by him and act unreasonably..or that he is trying to wind you up and he acts passive aggressively.

If it's the latter it's causes confusion and can take quite a while to work out. It is however a fairly common tactic for controlling men who don't want to appear controlling.

How does he react when you raise an issue, does he apologise quickly and is it genuine. Do you resolve issues or is everything left up in the air?

Do you try constructive ways to raise an issue but nothing changes?

@Monsterpumpkins solidarity… did you stay with your OH?

His lack of respect ended up in him doing something very wrong to me. I took my rings off and planned my escape.. Took 15 months but I left... Wish I had had the courage to report him.

[quote losingitoverdecaf]@TheFoundations that’s brought a tear to my eye being honest.

I’ve asked him to come and get his stuff at the weekend.[/quote]
Your first self respecting act. I'm sure it feels like shit right now, but I hope that that core part of you is feeling relief

Rule 1 for a happy life: don't hang around with people who make you lose your shit.

Well done OP.

I'm married nearly 30 years and we can both irritate each other at times🤷‍♀️, that's life.

But the annoyance you feel I have never felt and I have definitely felt pissed off.

Yours is of a level of unheard frustration that is not healthy.

Well done for acting on this.

I think that’s the right thing to do. This constant slightly screwing things up would drive me bonkers. When my husband screws something basic up he goes straight back to the shops to fix it!
Plus the cocklodging- this jumped out at me When he buys the wrong type it means I’m out of coffee because he typically will take my car off to do an errand (we share one) and I don’t live within walking distance of a shop therefore = no coffee unless he does another trip to buy the right kind
Do you mean your car? So you are kindly sharing your car meaning hes bought you something useless to you, expected you to be grateful, fucked off in your car so you not only have no coffee but no way to get it? Your life will be simpler without him!!

@timeisnotaline bang on

It sounds like contempt has set in for you, once that happens it does not get any better.