I just lost it over the wrong coffee

[losingitoverdecaf]

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

Just split up with him. You don’t like him very much.

He likely would not want having them 50-50 because they would likely interrupt his working life and lifestyle too much. I would not put too much faith in his mother either because in the event of a divorce she could well side with her son out of loyalty to him.

Hopefully he will remain amicable if you were to split but it is likely he may not be and use them as a further way of "punishing" you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, this to him the most perfect of specimens. Would get legal advice on all aspects of separating and divorce asap.

Would also urge you to start your own thread here. By hitting the Start (a new thread in this topic) button you will create a thread of your own.

@SecondClassmyass So you've picked up on something that I think underpins all of this. He stays at mine and to use your words 'uses my home as their safe and free haven'.

It has only been two years, you have no kids and don't live together. If it is making you this angry and it is regular not a one off or attributable to stress/hormones/other stuff then it is a sign it isn't working.

End it now amicably before it gets worse or you become more entangled.

You're angry over the lack of respect, lack of thought. "Don't you know me by now, within a millisecond I would know if you'd like that meal/cake/whatever", is what you feel like screaming at him.

No. This is not good.

Honestly if he annoys you end it. I don’t know what the two of you are doing, you’re becoming abusive because he annoys you so much just by being him. The two of you need to be grown ups, understand it’s doesn’t work and move on.

[quote losingitoverdecaf]@SecondClassmyass So you've picked up on something that I think underpins all of this. He stays at mine and to use your words 'uses my home as their safe and free haven'.[/quote]
There you go. I picked up on it because I have been there. I had a cocklodger in my home and it made me permanently sizzling under the surface and getting annoyed at anything. AND exactly like you, it would momentarily get better and i would question my thoughts, for my anger to only surface in uglier way later. You need to address this, as in put a stop to it, otherwise this relationship will burn you out. Is he using your home and good nature because he is oblivious or a CF? It doesn’t matter to b e honest but if the former, at least you can salvage what there is left (if you want)

I would stop lending him the car for a start!

Where did you learn to minimise your feelings, OP? I mean, for example 'I'm furious, but perhaps it's just little old me being faaar to sensitive, and I need to squash those feelings, because they're really not important.' That's basically the picture here, isn't it.

What example did your parents set you when you were growing up, of what a relationship between adults should look like? Were they respectful and loving towards each other? Sensitive to each other's needs? And what about how you were treated? Were you listened to, and taken notice of? Were they patient when you showed your feelings?

@TheFoundations Oh this is such a toughie. My mum catered to my dad's every whim. Growing up was like a scene from the 1950s. I promised myself I'd never be like that because he was super entitled and a product of his time.

I agree that it could be influenced by hormones BUT is more likely to be the fact that you feel like he doesn't listen, does stuff on whim and then can't understand why you are cross. If he's this bad now it's not a great sign.

Just out of interest, what do you call ‘weird’ veg, OP?

You do come across as very stressed/het up and it's hard to tell if it's proportional to the 'crimes' he's committed.

Understandable if he keeps repeating the same stupid mistakes again and again however small they are, in which case it's like death by a thousand cuts.

I think you're incompatible and shouting at him won't change him one iota.

Surely the bottom line is you don't like the person you are when you're with him? A good relationship brings out the best version of ourselves. He seems to bring out the worst in you.

You will be much happier when you end it. He'll probably do the kicked puppy act, but I've been there and it's better and kinder all round to let them go. Mine was 'thoughtful' and would bring me disgusting McDonalds coffee and some kind of cake/pie every single time he turned up. Great, except I'd said a million times I don't have a sweet tooth, and hate McDonalds coffee. Even if he'd gone to Caffe Nero or Pret and got me a coffee and a BLT there, that would have been caring, but it was like he brought the things that he would like, and didn't listen to me. I didn't like that I felt a pressure to thank him and eat crap stuff I didn't want, and if I said anything I was ungrateful.

[quote losingitoverdecaf]@TheFoundations Oh this is such a toughie. My mum catered to my dad's every whim. Growing up was like a scene from the 1950s. I promised myself I'd never be like that because he was super entitled and a product of his time.[/quote]
OK, well, that explains it. Emotionally it may be a toughie, but in terms of explaining why you do what you do... well, we're very 'monkey see, monkey do'.

You disregard your own feelings, in order to try to cater for his every whim (or his every feeling)

Do you get a general feeling of 'Why don't you F*cking LISTEN TO ME???!!', with smoke coming out of your ears and a purple face (internally)? And then sometimes it gets out into the world, via losing your shit over the wrong coffee? I mean, have you just got a part of you inside that he never hears, that just gets dismissed in this relationship? And that's the bit that gets frustrated?

@TheFoundations 10000 x Yes!

@Sparklfairy This really speaks to me. On the surface it's kind and sweet, the type of gesture that someone else would gush over. In reality it makes you feel obligated and hacked off that someone wouldn't go that one step further and buy you something that you might actually like.

My DH is like that and it drives me insane. We’ve been together over 20 years and he constantly buys me things I don’t want or need. This sumner he bought me a food hamper filled with things he should know I don’t like. There was even coffee in there, and I have never once had a coffee during our decades long marriage. There was also crackers and biscuits in there which I can’t eat because of gluten. It makes you feel quite worthless when you know somebody pays such little attention to you.

@losingitoverdecaf exactly. when he would go home I would rant about him to my friends or my DM, and without fail every single one said, 'oh but he's sooooo nice to you, give him a chance, he brings you xyz'. Yes, but I don't like xyz!! I felt I was painted to be the ungrateful bad guy by everyone, including him. He never said anything like 'you don't appreciate me/the things I do,' but I know he felt it.

I'm not sure if they feel an obligation to go through the motions of doing 'nice' things and bringing 'gifts' or whatever because they think it's the 'done thing', and just miss the mark because their hearts aren't in it iyswim.

@Snoken

My DH is like that and it drives me insane. We’ve been together over 20 years and he constantly buys me things I don’t want or need. This sumner he bought me a food hamper filled with things he should know I don’t like. There was even coffee in there, and I have never once had a coffee during our decades long marriage. There was also crackers and biscuits in there which I can’t eat because of gluten. It makes you feel quite worthless when you know somebody pays such little attention to you.

Totally but that’s a husband of twenty years this is a boyfriend of two who she doesn’t even live with

Op are you of the mindset you’d rather be with someone you dislike than be alone! As in any bloke will do. Even one who angers you!

I’m concerned the few responses agreeing with you are going to mae you think you’re right and so abuse him further, and the poor fucker is going to take it

And if a woman came on here and said her husband yelled at her like this for getting it wrong she’d be told to leave him fast, to run and never look back

@Bluntness100 No, I am not. I've perhaps over egged the 'losing my shit' line. I'm snappy and rude to him on a fairly regular basis at the moment. And actually he practically does live with me.

Might sound a bit out there but it could be hormonal

No. This isn't a justifiable excuse for losing your shit with your partner.

This is the kind of comment that pisses us off when men say it.

There are quite a few issues in this relationship - completely unrelated.

OP, you say you share a car but also say 'he takes my car' and that he spends most time at yours. Is he taking advantage financially?

To be honest if you're having to shout at someone to be able to get your point across I'd end the relationship. It's never going to be successful if you can't communicate respectfully.

@girlmom21 I do believe he is taking advantage of me financially. He strongly denies this.

@Snoken I feel a great deal for you. That is incredibly thoughtless after such a long time.

@losingitoverdecaf he would deny it. It's what cocklodgers do.
Stop letting him use your car and tell him he needs to contribute to the bills as your gas and electric usage has increased with him being there and see what he says, if you're going to stay with him.

But to be honest it sounds like you're on completely different wavelengths anyway.