I just lost it over the wrong coffee

[losingitoverdecaf]

I'm struggling at the moment. Going through waves of feeling like I want to exit my relationship of 2 years followed by remorse and good periods where everything feels right, he's awesome again and I regret ever having doubts. Looking at the 'ok enough' marriage thread is really making me think. I'm feeling so cranky but is it me? Or is it him!

DP is a lovely man but is doing things this week that are driving me to distraction. I'm worried about how bloody angry I feel around him this week and I just lost it over... coffee. This isn't normal is it?

DP accidentally bought decaf coffee and full cream milk. In two years I have never consumed either of those things. This is a bit of a habit, too. He often buys things for my home (where he stays most of the time) that I have no use for, like coffee pods that don't fit my machine, weird veg etc. It sounds funny to some, but two years in this stuff feels really annoying.

Last week he asked me to take time off over Xmas and I'd already said very clearly, maybe a five or six times, that I don't know what the arrangements are for my work over Xmas (I'm in a v. new job) and that I want to make a good impression/see what the deal is incase I need to cover.

Anyway, he raised the issue again about me booking time off and I lost it. Explained that I had told him a thousand times. It seems like I have to lose my temper before he 'gets it' and stops the behaviour. I could go on... He's started to ask me to repeat what I've said when I know that he's heard me the first time around and I can feel my blood boiling. There is a whole other stuff I could offload here but it doesn't seem relevant. This is what's popped up this week. He only got back on Monday. Sh!t!

Am IBU or is he really frustrating? We're both mid-thirties and no kids so it's not like we have DC in the crossfire. I don't have a sense of whether I'm nitpicking and looking for issues or whether we just need to separate. I'm a bit of a perfectionist as well so I'm in no doubt that I'm probably annoying too.

Help :(

www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Why are you sharing a car when you don't live together ?

From reading your posts, he seems to be a devious, underhand twat who is taking advantage of you. He's pushing your buttons and sending you over the edge. Get rid! I hope you're ok, you shouldn't be treated like this.

You've done the right thing but I notice you haven't answered peoples questions about if he is contributing to the household.
From your silence I'm guessing he didn't (apart from crap you neither wanted or needed).

Sounds like he has practically moved in with you while keeping his own place abd you pay everything including food and you let him use your car- its not sharing a car unless he contributes financially to its running costs.

You clearly already knew he was taking advantage because you called him out on it, and he denied it which all cocklodgers do, if he wasn't a cocklodger he would (not have created this situation in the first place or) have apologised profusely for the situation and given you money and brought shopping etc but instead nothing changed.

I bet by Sunday you'll be feeling so much better and be glad you got rid.

OP,

It would be really wise to reflect on why you have accepted this bullshit for 2 years?

Why has he been allowed to take advantage of you financially?

Why is he sharing your car?

Why have you allowed this?

If you don't want to attract another loser, figure out why you allowed this to happen.

@SortingItOut sorry, i thought I had addressed this in a roundabout way. This is an area he and I can’t agree on I.e. what he’s actually contributed. I also have to take responsibility for being so chilled out and allowing this situation to take place to begin with.

He pays for food shops, for trips and meals out, he does all the DIY at my property (mainly because he doesn’t like the idea of me going to someone else) and he fills my car with fuel that admittedly he uses. I have been making a modest contribution to our joint account to cover holidays etc. although I’ve pointed out that we’ve only been away once this year.

He has his own property with a mortgage where someone is lodging therefore he’s subsidised. That means the following falls to me for my place: mortgage, utilities, water, gas, internet etc. I obviously don’t expect him to pay for my mortgage but he hasn’t made a monetary contribution bar the things I’ve mentioned above. However he swears blind that isn’t the case and I’m overlooking what he has done.

Last summer it was practical for me to put him on my car insurance so he could run errands whilst I was at work. It was very much my car that he simply used as he didn’t own one of his own.

@Thatswhatmamasaid it was a practical thing to share a car but in hindsight I wish I had reconsidered what that would mean. It felt very natural at the time to just put him on my policy abs share the burden.

He thinks because he spends the odd night at his place that we don’t actually live together(!) I called him out on this as he clearly has spent most of his free time/evenings at mine when he’s not working away.

I haven't read all the PP's, but he seems like a grade 1 cocklodger from the bits I have read

If you added up the totality of his spending on things and compared it with your spending, you're £'s more every single month

Now add up how much you've saved by having him living with you, and compare it to how much he's saving ? Every single month ?

He doesn't even need to buy himself a bloody car because you added him on to your insurance ! (which you pay for ! )

He even has the bloody cheek to argue with you that you're underestimating his bloody financial 'contribution' ffs !
It's like he sees you as the 'little woman' who will be told by the 'big man' that she's wrong, even though she knows she's bloody right ! And she'll be 'quiet' and 'accepting' just because he says he 'disagrees'

Seriously, do some arithmetic, then tell him to move out !

A user and a loser.

Get rid permanently.

Remove him from your insurance TODAY.

Put it this way op. Since he has a lodger, all his own house costs are being covered (could even be making a profit), he has no bills and all the has to cover extra is your food and your trips. He doesn't even have to cover the running costs of owning a car, only the petrol that he uses. Your council tax will also be more so that will take a think out of the food that he's paying for you.

But I had my children to raise them myself!

With a father who sexually abuses their mother? Did you think you’d be raising your children with that man?

[quote losingitoverdecaf]@girlmom21 I do believe he is taking advantage of me financially. He strongly denies this.[/quote]
He can deny it as much as he likes, but simple arithmetic will give you the facts.

It's just another way of refusing to hear you. Like filling your cupboards with food you don't like, failing to notice in 2 years that you don't do decaff, taking your car so you are without one, & can't get to a shop ...

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Cut out the coffee. Sounds like an addict that can't get a fix getting that angry. Caffeine is a stimulant and like all drugs you get a higher and higher tolerance to it.

Go and see your doc for a chat. It could be low level depression creeping in too.

Remember it's been a horrible two years for everyone, we're all frazzled and at our wits end. Every couple are probably sick of the sight of each other at the moment.

This will pass. This feeling is transient.

It won't pass, because it isn't a transient feeling.

It is a reaction to consistently repeated annoying behaviour, such as this b/f refusing to ever listen, asking OP to endlessly repeat herself, & refusing to accept that he is not making an equal contribution to the costs they incur when together.

Unless the b/f is capable of changing those behaviours (spoiler - it's been 2 years, he isn't), whether OP drinks coffee or not will make not the slightest difference to how annoyed she feels about the behaviours.

I have been making a modest contribution to our joint account to cover holidays etc. although I’ve pointed out that we’ve only been away once this year.

Fucking hell.
Watch that OP.

In fact - take out your contribution now. Just in case.

@ChargingBuck thank you for this

You shouldn't get angry over those little things. The Christmas thing may be that he thinks the closer it gets to Christmas, the more you'll know if you're covering it or not.

@Beautiful3

You shouldn't get angry over those little things. The Christmas thing may be that he thinks the closer it gets to Christmas, the more you'll know if you're covering it or not.

Oh go & Handmaiden your own man & stop telling a grown woman how to respond to hers. OP has a perfect right to feel annoyed when her b/f does annoying things.

Absolutely remove any monies.

Hope you are doing ok.

@Beautiful3 you shouldn’t tell me what to feel

@Beautiful3

You shouldn't get angry over those little things. The Christmas thing may be that he thinks the closer it gets to Christmas, the more you'll know if you're covering it or not.

How do you change your feelings to what you 'should' feel?

It's not about what you should or shouldn't feel, it's how you react to those feelings, how you act upon feel irritated or annoyed is within your control.
Reflecting on that and the reasons why you couldn't communicate your feelings over the wider problems may help you prevent this being a pattern in future relationships.

I think you've recognised your relationship issues Op and I'm sorry you've decided to split. Even if that's the right thing to do, a break up is always painful so I hope you're doing ok x

@SmileyClare I have communicated my feelings over the wider problems. Not entirely sure where you think I haven’t as I’ve not given you that impression.

I think you believe I’ve been only pissy about coffee when I’ve actually been saying to the person involved exactly what’s up. You’re getting a snapshot here, but numerous problems/incidents have continued, hence me making this thread. It’s been the cherry on the cake this week. Please don’t insinuate that I don’t communicate about wider problems. It’s simply not the case.

OP,

I get it, as do many, many posters.

He's a user and a loser.

Well done for getting him out.

I hope he is no longer insured on your car.

You deserve better.

Well done.

@billy1966 thank you. So much!

@billy1966

OP,

I get it, as do many, many posters.

He's a user and a loser.

Well done for getting him out.

I hope he is no longer insured on your car.

You deserve better.

Well done.

This. What an irritating man, and extremely disrespectful in that he never listens to you. Sounds like deliberate behaviour to me. There’s someone else for you out there, someone who behaves reasonably and normally, and doesn’t play games or sponge off you financially.

You’ll feel so much better when he’s out of your life.